conmorse Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 These past couple of days my emotions have flared up again. Feelings of anger, sadness and betrayal. My ex and I haven't spoken in almost 5 months and I started thinking about telling her personally that I forgive her for the wrongdoings she did post break up. I'm not trying to be a doormat or a person without a backbone, but having thought about it for a long time I realized maybe one of the ways that I can finally let this go and not let it haunt me is to tell her that I forgive her. I know from an outsider's perspective this looks really weak, but are we not told to forgive and forget? Is it not easier to let go rather than hold resentment towards this other person? What are your guys' thoughts?
OzHeartache Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 These past couple of days my emotions have flared up again. Feelings of anger, sadness and betrayal. My ex and I haven't spoken in almost 5 months and I started thinking about telling her personally that I forgive her for the wrongdoings she did post break up. I'm not trying to be a doormat or a person without a backbone, but having thought about it for a long time I realized maybe one of the ways that I can finally let this go and not let it haunt me is to tell her that I forgive her. I know from an outsider's perspective this looks really weak, but are we not told to forgive and forget? Is it not easier to let go rather than hold resentment towards this other person? What are your guys' thoughts? Sounds like an excuse to break NC Forgiveness/acceptance should come from within...... you don't have to tell them anything, nothing you say will change anything so just accept/forgive in your mind and move on.............. in the future you will look back and be glad you did 1
bluegreen Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 And you can not say all that out loud verbally to yourself and go on Why not ? 1
Allumere Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 I have been divorced for over 5 years. To say that I still suffer from some damage caused during that 10 year circus would be an understatement. With that said I finally got to a point that I could forgive him, not because I suddenly was all good, but because I needed to stop falling back on that mess being the cause of hard-times now (if that makes sense). There has not been contact with my ex since he left and I had no interest in speaking directly to him so the way I handled it was I sent an e-card from an email account that I created solely for that purpose....and deleted the account afterwards (I truly had no interest in speaking to this man). I simply told him that I forgave him for the mistakes he made and hit "send". There was no reminiscing or well wishes, just to the point. I have no idea if it was even opened but it doesn't matter. The process served it's purpose. 3
Author conmorse Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 Sounds like an excuse to break NC Forgiveness/acceptance should come from within...... you don't have to tell them anything, nothing you say will change anything so just accept/forgive in your mind and move on.............. in the future you will look back and be glad you did Maybe, maybe not. I've been putting in a lot of thought about this and I'm trying to look at it objectively. I understand it's breaking NC, and I'm not trying to make any excuses, but I feel like this is a valid reason to talk. I've realized that my thoughts and emotions of what she did to me post break up has slowly taken a toll on my mental state and has been "haunting" me these past few days. I don't want to let those emotions consume me anymore. I feel as if by not forgiving it's only doing more harm to myself that it is. I understand that it won't change anything, what's done is done. However, I want to end these thoughts once and for all, and I feel like telling her personally would help me achieve that. I would really like to hear everyone's else's opinions or experiences
Author conmorse Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 I have been divorced for over 5 years. To say that I still suffer from some damage caused during that 10 year circus would be an understatement. With that said I finally got to a point that I could forgive him, not because I suddenly was all good, but because I needed to stop falling back on that mess being the cause of hard-times now (if that makes sense). There has not been contact with my ex since he left and I had no interest in speaking directly to him so the way I handled it was I sent an e-card from an email account that I created solely for that purpose....and deleted the account afterwards (I truly had no interest in speaking to this man). I simply told him that I forgave him for the mistakes he made and hit "send". There was no reminiscing or well wishes, just to the point. I have no idea if it was even opened but it doesn't matter. The process served it's purpose. How did you feel afterwards when you sent that email and told him you forgave him? Did that take a burden off your shoulders?
melell Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 I am of the opinion that if you have a desire to verbally express anything to your ex then you are not quite in a place where you have moved on. I think that contact before you have moved on is usually detrimental, certainly not beneficial. In my own experience you have moved on when you have no urge to say anything. There were plenty of times in the past that I wanted to express certain things to my ex, now there isn't anything I would really want to say- certainly nothing meaningful. This will dissolve in time 2
lauri Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 (edited) She may not even feel like what she did was wrong and she also may get a huge ego boost for you reaching out. I'm just warning you that the chances are the response you will get may effect you negatively (rather then positively). I recall I fished around trying to find a way to get my ex girlfriend to apologize and realize what she did was wrong. In the end, after I cut her off, she "apologized" but only as a way to try to get leverage in the situation with me. In the end, reaching back out only made things worse and made me realize that if I forgave her to her face, she would think what she did was OKAY and that I haven't moved on. You will be a much stronger person if you do not contact her saying you forgive her, but by forgiving her internally and moving on until you are in the point of indifference. I'm getting there, and I have probably forgiven my ex for ending it with me, but I will never ever get back with her after everything she did. Its not our job to teach our ex's right from wrong, and its not our job anymore to make them feel better about themselves. Our job now is to make sure we are 100% and ready to take on the next exciting challenges in front of us, and not trip on something that should be behind us. Edited March 27, 2014 by lauri
Strength in Healing Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Sounds like an excuse to break NC NAILED it. Don't be silly. She isn't waiting for your forgiveness, and it won't matter overall anyways really. You aren't going to get back together as a result of this. Let it go. 2
Allumere Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 How did you feel afterwards when you sent that email and told him you forgave him? Did that take a burden off your shoulders? More than anything, because it was done with intention and not expectation, it was more of a push forward than a burden release. Again, we are suppose to forgive folks anyway but in my case it forced me to make a conscious effort to let it go so to speak and take more control and responsibility when things go wrong verses the "I wouldn't be in this mess if......"
skydiveaddict Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 My ex and I haven't spoken in almost 5 months Keep it that way. 1
Author conmorse Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 NAILED it. Don't be silly. She isn't waiting for your forgiveness, and it won't matter overall anyways really. You aren't going to get back together as a result of this. Let it go. Who said anything about getting back together. I've realized that it's never going to work between me and her due a few incompatibility issues and the fact that I'm moving away from the city she's in for school. I know she's not waiting for my forgiveness. This isn't about her, it's about me. I want to get rid of these demons that are haunting me- the pain of betrayal, anger, sadness. By wanting to "forgive" her I want to step into the right direction of moving on and closing this chapter in my life once and for all. This isn't to alleviate any guilty she may have, this is to retain my mental health and sanity.
Zahara Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 The fact that you just said you feel anger, sadness and hurt is enough proof that you're only doing this because you want to break NC. There's no real forgiveness if you still harbor negativity. Your forgiveness is forced. You're forcing the process because that could be your last ditch effort/excuse to break NC. The many threads on LS about dumpees feeling it's the only way to move forward if they announce it. It's an excuse. When you forgive, there is no need to announce it. Forgiveness is for you benefit and no one else. It's your process of letting go. It's your transformation from within. And most times forgiveness emerges when you're well on your way to reaching indifference. If you still feel anger and hurt, while you may call her and forgive her today, tomorrow you'll wake up and still have to deal with your unresolved and still stirring anger and hurt. Best you just focus on dealing with what you need to internally resolve than to reach out to her and provide her with forgiveness that she's not even worried about. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 These past couple of days my emotions have flared up again. Feelings of anger, sadness and betrayal. My ex and I haven't spoken in almost 5 months and I started thinking about telling her personally that I forgive her for the wrongdoings she did post break up. I'm not trying to be a doormat or a person without a backbone, but having thought about it for a long time I realized maybe one of the ways that I can finally let this go and not let it haunt me is to tell her that I forgive her. I know from an outsider's perspective this looks really weak, but are we not told to forgive and forget? Is it not easier to let go rather than hold resentment towards this other person? What are your guys' thoughts? All joking aside, this is a lameass way to try to break No Contact. Don't do it. 1
Ordinaryday Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 I once got contacted by an ex to let me know that she "forgave" me. It MADE ME FURIOUS. why? because she emotionally abused me for months, treated me like dirt and dumped me when I was at a very very low point in life and it made me suicidal. I needed her support and she just dumped me and completely gave up on me, when I needed her the most. then eight months later I got contacted by her not because she wanted to reconcile or BEG FOR MY forgiveness but because she wanted to let me know she FORGAVE ME! It was obvious that through her conversations with her friends and her own thoughts she had made me out to be the 'bad guy' which by extension made her the 'good guy'. and she actually thought I wanted her forgiveness! Unreal! I really let her have it, called her all kinds of names and told her that I didnt want her "forgiveness" and that she should never contact me again for whatever reason. so stop looking for excuses to break NC. if she hasnt contacted you then she doesnt want or need your forgiveness, she has no desire to speak to you. dont drag up old hurts, because believe me it wont go how you think it will/ 3
erklat Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Maybe, maybe not. I've been putting in a lot of thought about this and I'm trying to look at it objectively. I understand it's breaking NC, and I'm not trying to make any excuses, but I feel like this is a valid reason to talk. I've realized that my thoughts and emotions of what she did to me post break up has slowly taken a toll on my mental state and has been "haunting" me these past few days. I don't want to let those emotions consume me anymore. I feel as if by not forgiving it's only doing more harm to myself that it is. I understand that it won't change anything, what's done is done. However, I want to end these thoughts once and for all, and I feel like telling her personally would help me achieve that. I would really like to hear everyone's else's opinions or experiences You forgiving her for what? Rest assured - in her eyes she did nothing wrong. Hence she looks for no forgiveness. 1
Ordinaryday Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 You forgiving her for what? Rest assured - in her eyes she did nothing wrong. Hence she looks for no forgiveness. EVERYONE is like that, to an extent. I have read about it, really interesting. because everyone obviously sees everything from their point of view, most times when they stuff up they always have a good reason for why it was NOT their fault. you can see this on an extreme level in the law (a criminal will claim "yeah I murdered her, but I was abused as a child which screwed me up, not my fault") and to a lesser extent in relationships ("Yeah I cheated, but it was only because he was emotionally unavailable and not giving me the love I needed. if he had loved me properly I would not have been forced to cheat"). and when they realise the other person HAS A DIFFERENT POINT OF VIEW they are always surprised because they just assumed that both them and you shared THEIR VIEWPOINT. So yeah, I dont know what happened in this relationship but even if she was nasty or mean to you she has long rationalised it in her mind ("Yeah I was mean, but only because he was emotionally unavailable. if he had been there for me I would not have had to be nasty to him" or something) so she feels NO DESIRE AT ALL to get your "forgiveness". if anything she thinks you want HER forgiveness. so please leave it be.
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