cocahouts Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 I’ve got a tough one, and looking for some different opinions. I caught my wife having an EA about 6 months ago with someone who I thought was my best friend. This Friend actually started to stalk, harass and continuously text my wife under the guise of looking for help with his wife. At first my wife warned and complained to me about it and when I confronted him in the early stages he was apologetic and said he was looking for both our help, he played it off very well and I thought as a friend I didn’t have to worry but it looked to have stopped. He eventually became her “Friend” and they secretly went to each other for help with his failing marriage and my marriage that was having problems. He convinced my wife I was having an affair and he told me that my wife was fooling around and produced some evidence here and there, I feel like I got played. After I caught them I didn’t tell them for about 3 weeks and got a lawyer and collected video and pictures to secure my adultery case. I had lock tight evidence. I love my wife and after confronting her and having her confess to everything and more than what I knew she was destroyed. We started to talk and after listening to her side of the story it made sense that this bastard was setting us up for over a year. Also going over texts, chats, and watching them she was constantly trying to push him away but would always give in when he pushed it. She admitted it wasn’t like this at first but was trying to get out of it. She still doesn’t try and push off any blame for what she did. Now this Friend is some sort of “official” and I caught them fooling around during his work day, and in an “official vehicle”. He has two kids, one out of the house and another teenager, plus 18 years of retirement and pension. I blasted him over email and text and am so upset that I didn’t knock his teeth out, (The safe way of saying what I was planning). I threatened him with exposure because the tricky part is our kids are in the same high school class. I don’t want the kids involved. Also his wife is extremely confrontational and already unstable from their screwed up marriage that he’s been caught cheating on before. She’s a loose cannon, Literally. I reported him to his work, he lied and falsified several “Procedures and other stuff” that his work knew because I produced the video evidence of him with my wife. He is now suspended and under review and looks like might lose pension and retirement, happy about this in my own sick mind. He is no longer a threat to me in this manner and there is documentation showing what he did. I feel secure about this, hard to explain. I’ve most likely took his job, career and retirement…..good… let him remember for the rest of his life….I am not struggling with this. But His wife that used to be a family friend does not know but she was always nasty to us anyway and our family relationship was because of our kids. She’s given me the Finger several times as I’ve driven past her so I’m sure he lied his ass off and made up some story placing the blame somewhere else most likely me. I don’t know if I should care. Now what I am having problems with…… I want to tell her….show her what I have…..give her my attorney’s info because they have a lock tight case and would love to get her as a client. But will it turn back on me and blow up on my kids, they don’t know about any of this. She might try and attack my wife and my wife does deserve an ass chewing from her, I’m torn about this or protecting her. But I don’t want her to get violent, and she could. My therapist has told me to focus on us as a couple, we are attempting to Reconcile. It’s bumpy but moving along a little slow. I’m still pissed and it eats me inside. It’s just eating me that I need to tell her…..she deserves to know but I am trying to protect my kids at the same time…… we live in the same town and are staying in our corners sort of but because of kid functions will bump into each other from time to time.. Any thoughts????
drifter777 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 You are focusing all of your anger, hurt, and humiliation on the guy she was screwing. Really? Just think about that for a while. I know it's easier to see him as a conniving player and his wife as the wicked witch of the west, but that is denial - plain and simple. Stop talking about him and his wife. Don't let them distract you from the reality you are trying to hide from. Your wife had sex with another man. She lied and cheated you. Deal with that. Work on yourself and your own recovery before looking outside for someone else to blame. Your reconciliation is doomed to fail if you don't face reality. Your wife betrayed you and you have to figure out how to handle it. 4
AirForceWife038 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 First I'm sorry for what u are going thru and I completely understand as I'm 3 months out from finding out about my husband of almost 20 years and my so called friend. I say good for u that u were able to get some revenge and I say Yes tell his wife even if she's a wench she deserves to know and it will cut him deeper and whoop ur wife's ass... Can u tell I'm still in the anger stage I guess it's better than when I stuck I'm disbelief. Most won't agree but I say finish it go for the jugular he did when he was laying with ur wife. 3
Author cocahouts Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 I'm all for telling his wife....but my Dilemma is about the Kids Yes I know I should tell her..... should I wait 2 years for the kids to be out of school? I could give a S*&t about the other man, but I just feel bad that the other wife doesn't know the truth...I got my revenge and that's out of my system but his wife deserves to know.
bubbaganoosh Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 If he loses his job and retirement it's going to take a ton of BS to explain that to his wife and she, no doubt wont buy it and she'll find out on her own. Then she can deal with him so that takes him out of the problem. You have a problem to solve and it resides in your home, namely your wife. That's what you need to deal with and until you do, then blowing that guys life up will be for nothing. 2
Buckeye2 Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 I reported him to his work, he lied and falsified several “Procedures and other stuff” that his work knew because I produced the video evidence of him with my wife. He is now suspended and under review and looks like might lose pension and retirement. I would wait and see if he is fired and loses his retirement after 18 years on the job. If he does, that’s enough. There would be no reason to poke his crazy wife with a stick and possibly involve your kids. If he gets off with a slap on the wrist then reconsider. If I understand you correctly, the OM convinced your wife that you were having an affair by producing “some kind of evidence.” That caused your wife to have a revenge affair with the OM. Is that correct? She still doesn’t try and push off any blame for what she did. It sounds like both you and your wife have "pushed off" all the blame onto the OM.
Author cocahouts Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 I would wait and see if he is fired and loses his retirement after 18 years on the job. If he does, that’s enough. There would be no reason to poke his crazy wife with a stick and possibly involve your kids. If he gets off with a slap on the wrist then reconsider. If I understand you correctly, the OM convinced your wife that you were having an affair by producing “some kind of evidence.” That caused your wife to have a revenge affair with the OM. Is that correct? It sounds like both you and your wife have "pushed off" all the blame onto the OM. Correct about the Some kind of evidence....his wife and mine went on a trip together where they disappeared at a night club and never came back to their room till extremely late. He told me that they both ended up having one night stands. He was telling my wife that I was with a woman at work when I had to do a late night shift twice a month. When she asked me who I would be working with I would identify this other woman and confirm her by name so she believed him about My affair that wasn't happening. This other woman was on a development team that worked with mine so our projects intertwined. There were a lot of other little things here and there too, things I would tell him in confidence. I'm sure the other way around for my wife too. There was once when he bragged about being with a woman with fake boobs and how they felt different but then described my Wife's boob as a lot better with all the guys laughing and joking. I just didn't know he was talking about my wife and it was just a bunch of us Bull S*$ting around. He had the nerve to brag about it. I don't blame him for what happened....A lot of it is on my wife because of the choice she made. A lot of it is on me because of the way I treated my wife. We would fight about everything and we weren't in a good place for many years so it was bound to happen. If she would have told me that he was sending dirty pictures to her it would have snapped me awake. Pushing off the blame is easy to do, I do it more than her because I trusted this person. She's told me how she feels used. I will never know exactly what happens with the OM and I really don't care anymore. He's no longer a threat to me. I just feel I should tell the wife but I don't want my kids at risk.
MuddyFootprints Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Protect your kids. You don't owe his wife anything. 3
lolablue17 Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 You are in a great position now. You handled the situation very well. You have evidences, you got your satisfaction when you managed to punish the OM. Any further action is a risk as it can make your situation worse. Why risk it? you can still use it in the future if necessary. The problem is your wife who doesn't take any responsibility for her cheating. explane her that by doing that she is acting very selfishly, thinking only of her image, and not thinking about you, as the BS and not about your M. Because i think you can reconcile only if she takes all blame and responsibility from her side. this is the only way you can fix it and forgive her, because otherwise, the meaning of her abdicating of responsibility is that it can happen again... Why not? if she doesn't take any blame, that means she haven't learned anything and she proved just now how damage she can make. 3
Arieswoman Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 cocahoots, I agree with muddy footprints. Concentrate on your kids for now - they didn't ask to be in this mess. This is also a smart comment from lolablue;- You are in a great position now. You handled the situation very well. You have evidences, you got your satisfaction when you managed to punish the OM. Any further action is a risk as it can make your situation worse. Why risk it? you can still use it in the future if necessary. Stay smart and you can get through this with your self-respect intact. Good Luck. 2
miguelcervantes Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 In your first post you say that she had an EA with this scumbag - but it sounds like a full blown PA. Six months is a long time for it to not have gone physical given the proximity. And how did he know how your wife's boob felt? And can you really be sure you have the full truth from her? Was this her only affair?
road Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 The OMW deserves and needs the truth. Expose the affair. Best you can count on is his employer will slap his hand at best because your WW was not a co worker. Also put up OM on cheaterville. 1
petee Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 I agree with the post above. Six months of an EA and no boundary crossing? You need to get to the bottom of this mate, as something definitely does not add up. I hope I'm wrong, you seem to be in control of what should be runaway emotions.
gettingstronger Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Have you asked your wife what she thinks about exposing to his wife- she will also suffer the fall out- It seems your kids are already suffering even if they do not know why from this woman isolating your family- This is a difficult position to be in and I wish I could tell you to flip or fly but each has its upside and downside- I would talk it over and then over again with your wife before taking any additional action-
notbroken Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Sounds like your wife hasn't come completely clean. They most likely had a full blown PA. Both were 'missing' but were with separate people? Not likely. The uncertainty will likely eat at you and destroy both you and your relationship. Tell her to come completely 100% clean with a timeline. Ask for a polygraph just to eliminate doubt. I'll bet she won't take it or will confess more than she already has. Yes, your friend is dirt. But your wife got dirty being with him. The blame is not solely on him and you have to deal with that fact before it is too late. 1
drifter777 Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 The focus should be on you and your wife. I never have understood how people shift blame and find pleasure in revenge. My ex-wife has a boyfriend that I know she was talking to while we were still married. I do not, however, blame him for my divorce. If I had taken care of business and been the husband I should have been he would never had the chance to enter the scene. You and your wife have decided to reconcile - why not trust your counselor and follow his/her advice? Blaming yourself for her cheating is really no better. You advise focusing the blame where it belongs - on his wife. What about you?
Author cocahouts Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 No....I know this was a PA. That's how I caught them. The one thing that helped me believe my wife was her confession and the timeline that she told me. For about a year I knew something was funny....don't touch her phone, unexplained computer use, etc. Do you know with most android phones Google keeps a location history that's turned on by default. If they have an Android like my wife type in "Location History - Google Maps" and sign in with their password. it will give you a day by day location of your phone. From Her year EA that moved to a PA she told me pretty much the truth. My lawyer showed me this before I told her about the divorce. From everything I pieced together she has been pretty straight forward and told me more details than I wish I asked for, and I asked for everything. Two people make a marriage so there has to be two parts of wrong. My wrong didn't didn't go nearly as far as hers and she knows it. She had done everything that I have asked. She voiced concern over a few things that I asked but still did as I asked. I was not thinking and it made it worse for us in the long run but she still complied. His Career is based off of integrity, now that I have show what he was doing "on the clock" with his time he can no longer function in that position. Losing retirement and pension happens all the time for this infraction so it's not so uncommon. He will have to lawyer up pretty good to get out of this but there would be no way he would keep his job, retirement and pension he could fight to keep. I don't really care but am curious what he told his wife how it happened. The kids were suffering before, mom and dad always fighting. We started some MC and it's helped. I am trying to get her into IC because I think it's helped me a lot. The kids are my #1 concern, then the marriage. We've talked about how we would end it and stay civil but neither of us just want to walk away. It feels like we're both trying at this stage, just bumpy. I think I will hold what I have....focus on my "Family"
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