andreautick Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 Hi all, I have been dating this guy, Matthew, for a couple of weeks now. We've always had a great time, and we haven't slept together. I've been dating 4 other guys really casually--but Matthew has been the most serious of all of these, as we have spent the most time together and have done the most physically. Matthew is great...he is good looking, great sense of humor, same priorities, doesn't drink or do drugs, very upstanding, extremely intelligent, knows how to treat a woman and other people in general, humble, sweet...an all around fantastic, down to earth guy. The thing is...I don't know if there is that essential chemistry. There is on some levels, and part of me thinks that because he is a deep, reserved guy, that perhaps he isn't revealing all of himself, so if there would be more chemistry I wouldn't know right away. I know that is at least partially the case, as we have clicked more and more the more time we have spent together. It's not that there isn't any, I just don't know if there is enough to warrant being exclusive with one another (which he has asked about). My question is, have any of you been in this sort of situation? What came of it? What did you do? I'm not extremely interested in the other guys I am dating, although it is a lot of fun to get to know a wide variety of males (by get to know, I don't mean physically, but just personally). We have fun together, and that's about it. Let me know what you think, and thanks for reading this!
WatchaWaitingFor Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 Honey, if there's no spark, there is no point in pursuing this relationship. I too have been out with guys in the past who seem perfect on paper. Good looking, good career, funny etc etc - but I just didn't get butterflies when I met up with them. On the other hand, I have met guys who are all wrong - drinking, drugs, no career etc, and have felt jolts of electricity everytime we touch. Needless to say none of these relationships lasted past the 3 month mark. You need to find a middle ground! Someone you respect and have fun with, but with whom you also have an undeniable sexual attraction. If you're not feeling the chemistry, chances are that neither is this guy. Unfortunately it's something that cannot be forced. Let him know the issue, and he'll probably agree. Ideally you could stay friends with him, and keep looking for someone that you do spark with. I would advise not to continue dating this guy too much longer, otherwise it will be harder to extricate yourself from him - if there's no chemistry now, can you imagine what kind of a marriage you would have 10 years down the track?! Good luck!
very-confused-girl Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 I dont agree with Watchawaiting for at all. All my life I have been attracted to darker type of guys - brown or black hair, big brown eyes, very youthfull looking and young and slim with darker skintone. My exboyfriend was completely this type of guy and when I met him, I had these butterflies in my stomach. My recent boyfriend has light brown hair with a little bit of ginger colour in it - he is Australian and has Irish ancestors, white skin like alabastr with pigmental spots, blue eyes, he is not young, he is 36 and I am 23. When I met him I didnt have these butterflies in my stomach at all. I considered him very likeable, but was a bit sad that the "chemistry" was missing. Not for a long time my friend! Once we started having sex, the chemistry somehow developed and he turned to be the most attractive man of my life, all these dark guys would not compare to him in a million years. I am having butterflies in my stomach when I see him but I got them much later. I also thought that once you dont have the spart at the beginning, it can never be the right guy for you. In some cases it can be truth, but not everytime. Especially if you become very intimate and sharing great sexual and romantic experiences, he can really turn out to be the most physically attractive guy for you even that at the beginning it wasnt the case and you couldnt imagine that one day you could be attracted to him. Dont give up I am sure that soon you will find something very sexy about him, it can be an eyebrow movement, smile, the way he is doing his shoe lace, the way he talks, anything. I can even remember one month in our relationship I took him to introduce him to my parents. And a day later I was asking them what do they think of him, how did he impress them, and whether they find him physically attractive. See, I was not attracted to him that much even after one month in your relationship, it took me really two months to develop the "spark".
Author andreautick Posted January 29, 2005 Author Posted January 29, 2005 Thanks you very_confused and WatchaWaitingfor. I see both sides. The thing is, there are some things I find attractive about him physically, and as we have become more phsyical (we haven't slept together, as I've mentioned) I've become more attracted to him. And,it's not that there isn't any spark at all. I dunno. It is something that may take time to develop, and if we did have sex, it would be present. That is some of what I have thought. On the other hand I subscribe to the theory that if it isn't there to start with,it never will be. I've dated guys like that before, where I couldn't bring myself to kiss them even. This isn't really the same as that feeling. But it's just like...well, there is some chemistry and there could be more in the future--but do I want to invest myself more to find out, or go find someone who I have it with immediately? The other part is...he really, really likes me. He has asked about exclusively dating, and he's come up with all sorts of things he wants to go to together. So, he's definitely feeling chemistry and a lot of other things. So, that ups the ante...which is why I have posted this:) Thanks for taking thetime to reply!
very-confused-girl Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 Go for it! You would be silly if you didnt take the risk. If it turns out that theres absolutely no physical attraction on you part, then you will have to leave. Attraction is a big part of relationship. But dont give up IF YOU STILL DONT KNOW YET! I would invest the time to find it out, the guy seems to be worth it, definitely, and maybe it will surprise you in a very pleasant way! I can tell you that if you are with somebody where you experience the "love at the first sight" thing, once the excitement of meeting the person is gone, the relationship is somehow empty. I am not saying that every relationship that you start with somebody who you feel extremely strong attraction to is crap and that every relationship where the progress is slower and you dont feel attracted to that person AT THE BEGINING must turn out to be great, not at all.. but there are some many variables in life, you cant just "write off" the person because you didnt feel the butterflies. In my case butterflies flew into my stomach much much later! I am sure if you already feel something to him, when you develop your sexual life with him, things will get better. But dont rely on that, dont try to search for that desperately, but dont give up beforehand either. Be cool, go with the flow and see what happens! Good luck
Author andreautick Posted January 29, 2005 Author Posted January 29, 2005 Well, thank you for your input! You are a wise woman:) I agree about the "love at first sight" thing. I think that it builds that person up to be...in a sense..."perfect" in your mind. And then, it only can go downhill. I'll give it a shot, and just be honest and natural about it. I was glad to hear your insight, and thank you again:)
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 I definitely agree that very confused girl should change her name to very wise girl. My ex-girlfriend, I felt no chemistry for her at the beginning. But it came over time and she was one of the most passionate relationships of my life. Give it a try!
Author andreautick Posted January 29, 2005 Author Posted January 29, 2005 Thanks Reluctant Romeo. I understand that there is a difference between no chemistry, and chemistry that takes time to grow. I think that WatchaWaitingfor was talking more about the former, than the latter. And i understand where she is coming from. But I think that Matthew is a very worthwhile guy, and I think I am going to pursue it. Sometimes the deepest most meaningful relationships take time to get into, I know that the deepest, most meaningful relationships i have had weren't the ones where there was passionate chemistry to start with..I just haven't had a lot of experience at it because I always get into long termsorts of things. Anyway, thank you for your input! It is very valuable!
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