beembm Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 I feel so nauseous and panicky. I'm trying to stay calm. I know part of my desire to send an email is because of my need for action when big feelings come up... please guide me with honesty and thoughtfulness if you read this... I'm new to this site. Been reading posts since the weekend every day and it is helping but this is my first new thread. Very long story short just to give you background: I broke up with my gf of nearly 5 years about 2 months ago after 5 months of anxiety and obsessive thinking about not feeling "in love" anymore. I tried an ecourse to move past it, I tried single therapy, we tried couples counseling, and she stayed so strong and so sweet and so willing to work things out through everything but in the end I felt like it was too much and I felt like I was hurting her so I ended it. I've been sad and doing lots of crying over these two months but we were still talking here and there through text and gchat and facebook so nothing felt drastically different until this weekend, when I realized she was pulling away, not answering or barely answering, and had hooked up with someone. It hit me, I mean HIT me, that she was no longer in my life and I have been sobbing and screaming multiple times a day now. Sometimes the grief is for me, not having her anymore and sometimes the grief is for her, about how much pain I caused. Reading the posts in these forums really opened my eyes to what she must be feeling and causes constant nausea and guilt and sadness. I never lied to her or cheated on her, and I really feel like in those 5 months of heartbreak and distance before the official end that I gave it my all, but at the same time I worry that it was just a spiral of anxiety. I don't know I'm rambling now and not getting to the point. Basically I texted her on Sunday or Monday and eventually said I was hurting and that it was all hitting me. I realize now I absolutely should not have done that - it is not her burden and I don't want to cause pain or just give breadcrumbs. She said "let's not do this anymore" My question is - today on the way to work, I realized how controlling and critical I have been throughout our relationship, and at times unknowingly probably emotionally abusive (that's a very strong word and probably not accurate but I am beating myself up). We even got in a text fight 1 month post break up and I gave her a hard time for something she was doing and I just hate myself for that now, for being so inconsiderate of the pain she was going through and giving her a hard time for anything! I really want to apologize. She didn't deserve any of the criticalness or control and I just want her to know that I so regret it and feel like she deserves an apology. I'm trying to really analyze why I would want to email her. Am I looking for forgiveness? (I don't think so). Am I trying to get rid of guilt? (I think I will feel it anyways). I don't know I just feel so terribly and just can't stand that I can't take any of it back. Will these email help or hurt her? If it was kind and to the point? I know many people on here are or have been on the other side of this and I would love to know honestly what is best. I don't want to cause any more pain. Everyone says I need to let her go and let her heal but it's killing me this distance. Please tell me would it help or hurt? I feel so nauseous. The other option is to email her friend who my ex is living with and ask what she thinks would be best? She knows her and could probably tell me how she would take it. Ugh I just hate myself and these feelings and everything that has happened. I am a woman btw, not a player, cheater, or selfish *******. Please be kind. I am hurting hard.
d0nnivain Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Do not send an apology e-mail. They are always a bad idea. IMHO if you are truly going to apologize & it won't fall on deaf ears in person is the best way. E-mails are a cop out. That said, don't apologize at all You broke up for valid reasons. Even if you were less than perfect your EX didn't seem to mind. You were the one who wanted out. You saying sorry to her does not change how you felt while you were agonizing over the decision & counseling wasn't working. You feel this way now because the reality hit you. Your GF is moving on. That doesn't mean it's healthy for either of you to go back. Don't go back. If you need the catharsis, go ahead & write out whatever it is you need to say but don't transmit it to her. Instead print it & burn it. You will feel better.
Zahara Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 I don't want to cause any more pain. Then don't. You made a decision to end it. When you end it with someone you're choosing to let them go and the kind and selfless thing to do would be to allow them distance to heal and move on. If you do not want to cause her pain anymore, there is no need to send letters, emails, call, text -- digging at the wound doesn't allow it to heal. Regurgitating the past and trying to undo and redo doesn't change the fact that it's a break-up. It's over. You two should have cut contact a long time ago. I believe you are panicking because you feel her slipping away. You're losing control and the thought of being on your own and standing by your decision is starting to set in. You never really accepted the ending. You knew you ended but you still had her as a crutch but now the crutch is gone and you have to stand alone. Dumpers seem to always go into a panic and try to conjure ways to pacify whenever they realize a dumpee is letting go. Somehow introspection and self-awareness always sets in when the dumpee has had enough. I believe you want to do this to control, not so much to help her. If you do want to help her move on, leave her alone. At this point, what happened in the past is water under the bridge. It doesn't change the present. Maybe when you both have moved on and much time has passed by, you can reach out and extend an apology. I think it would have more significance and meaning, but most of all sincerity. 1
Author beembm Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 (edited) Thank you both for the honest answers. Also for anyone else reading - THIS http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome That is EXACTLY how I was feeling when things started reeling for me. Every single bullet there. It's scary how similar it is, except that my therapist who I am still seeing is helping me realize partying or random hook ups or even drugs wont bring me the happiness or alive feeling I thought I was looking for. I can't find it in a partner I need to find it in myself. heartache Edited March 26, 2014 by beembm
Never Again Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 The only time you should reach out is: - When you believe you've both reached indifference and would like to try friendship - If you decide you made a mistake and truly want them back Anything else, no matter your intentions, will only hurt her more. It might alleviate your guilt or validate your decision and help you move on, but it will only hold her back. Apologizing for your bad behavior is something you do IN a relationship, not after. You'll have to deal with this yourself. 1
Zahara Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 That is EXACTLY how I was feeling when things started reeling for me. Every single bullet there. It's scary how similar it is, except that my therapist who I am still seeing is helping me realize partying or random hook ups or even drugs wont bring me the happiness or alive feeling I thought I was looking for. I can't find it in a partner I need to find it in myself. heartache It's good that you're taking the effort to delve into your issues and work on yourself. This isn't about her anymore. It's about you. And good for you for finding introspection and wanting change. Good luck to you. 1
Author beembm Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 Thanks for the insight everyone. One thing though, at the bottom of the page there were some "similar thread" posts and I read 3 where people were saying along the lines of "I finally got an apology" and in the comments someone else wrote "at least yours came only 2 months later, instead of 2 years later..." ? this site is so hard I guess because every relationship is different and everyone needs different things... still not sure what is best
Elias33 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Just don't. Is saying sorry benefit her? or you? If you really feel like you have to say it, at least let time go by.
Elias33 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Thanks for the insight everyone. One thing though, at the bottom of the page there were some "similar thread" posts and I read 3 where people were saying along the lines of "I finally got an apology" and in the comments someone else wrote "at least yours came only 2 months later, instead of 2 years later..." ? this site is so hard I guess because every relationship is different and everyone needs different things... still not sure what is best It is never too late to say sorry. But right now it is more important to not cause any more harm. And when you do finally apologize, you can explain this to her. In this case, saying sorry is better late than too soon. 1
Author beembm Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 It is never too late to say sorry. But right now it is more important to not cause any more harm. And when you do finally apologize, you can explain this to her. In this case, saying sorry is better late than too soon. This makes so much sense to me and has calmed me. Thank you so much. I will let her heal
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