Ap22 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Having sex with my wife and shes being pretty loud. Kids are asleep so I put my hand over her mouth to shut her up. This gives her a massive O and she comments afterwards how much me doing that turned her on because she felt like she was being assaulted, in a good way I guess. She felt dominated. Last night she passive aggressively starts complaining that home projects arent being done even though its completely her fault. This morning when she called from work I lay down the law. I give her exact orders in my firmest voice on how things will go down this weekend. What she will do, what she wont do, and tell her I'm taking control because I was tired of her excuses. All she said after that was "Oh i love you". Now, she had an affair about 2 years ago. Life from that time to dday sucked with her. She was an ugly person, only gave me passionless duty sex, and hardly showed me love. All that time I was a complete beta because I thought I was going what any good husband was supposed to do. I failed every ***** test, and she had many. Looking back, I was reactive instead of proactive to her. I was the one trying to please her to "win" her passion back. After dday, I've done a complete 180 from beta to alpha and she has responded. I know a lot of it is due to her trying to make up the affair to me, but i'm wondering how much of it is due to my new attitude. Does she secretly desire to be submissive? She'll never admit it if she does, but I've noticed her actions say otherwise. Had I been like this all the time would she have had an affair?
karnak Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 After dday, I've done a complete 180 from beta to alpha and she has responded. I know a lot of it is due to her trying to make up the affair to me, but i'm wondering how much of it is due to my new attitude. Does she secretly desire to be submissive? She'll never admit it if she does, but I've noticed her actions say otherwise. Had I been like this all the time would she have had an affair? Yeah. Maybe she wouldn't have had an affair. Or maybe she would. But did she had an affair just because you weren't active enough in bed? A bit futile isn't it? If such is the case then rest assured, my friend. Sometime later she'll grow tired of your body and will engage in another affair with a man who'll be more alpha and agressive than you. Some people are so fickle that they can engage in infidelity just because they can't get enough in bed. Regardless of what your marital problems were, there is never a good excuse for infidelity.
Author Ap22 Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 No, bed problems were not the reason she cheated. Insecurity, need for external validation, selfishness, low self esteem mixed with a severe mid life crisis.... Her affair was all about her. I'm thinking though that I gave her to much "freedom". I'm starting to see that she wants to follow. She wants to be led. She doesnt want to have "freedom" because she has no confidence in herself. Shes weak and has admitted to being so. I never tried to dominate her. I always treated her as equal but I'm starting to see she doesnt want that. She wants someone to decide for her. Sure, she wants to have input, but she doesnt want to make the decisions. Shes unsure of herself and has proven that she has bad decision making skills. I think she wants and needs to be led. 1
ClemsonTigers Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 (edited) She spent two years living in the secret shame of what she did. Every time you were kind to her made her feel more guilty so she punished you for being nice/kind. Her guilt|shame kept her from feeling passion for anything in life and she was trapped because if she told you… 1. You'd know how low she really is; 2. You'd probably dump|leave her. 3. She didn't deserve you The fact you found out, didn't dump her and instead have given her the opportunity to redeem herself, repent and be forgiven is breathtakingly amazing to her. You didn't yell. You didn't scream. You didn't call her names. Instead you looked at her when she was the worst more hurtful double crossers betrayerl in the world to you and you chose to love her anyway. You could be doing alpha | beta | whatever …. it just sounds like she's liking this new life and new chance at happiness she's found with and through you. The fact that you seem confident and strong now reassures her that she didn't break you (because it would have broke her if you had cheated on her). Confidence is attractive. My wife did the same thing. The last 17 years have been pretty darn good. God Bless Edited March 26, 2014 by ClemsonTigers 4
Author Ap22 Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 Well to be fair, I screamed a little and called her a couple names on dday. Since then I've tried my hardest not to throw it in her face. She knows she brought me to my knees but she didnt break me. She tells me all the time that she is not strong like me and she wishes she had my strength. I do think she does love this life. Its amazing what happens when you open your heart to somone, as opposed to closing it. However, I still feel that she is just the type of women who needs to be led. Instead of walking side by side, I think she secretly wants to walk slightly behind me. Many times I let her lead herself and she crashed and burned. I've never really given much thought into the submissive wife or alpha/beta traits but maybe some people need that. I'm just trying to find the best approach to give this marriage the best chance to succeed. Obviously doing what I thought a good husband should do was not the best approach. 1
janedoe67 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 For the wrong kind of man, the "dominant" thing can get out of hand and become a sledgehammer. It doesn't sound like you are the wrong kind of man. And yes, she probably DOES really like the dominance she sees, though she might never think of herself as "submissive." There are exceptions and outliers all over, BUT i think most run-of-the-mill women DO appreciate a man with some strength. It builds respect. 1
Mycatsnuggles Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 A strong confident man is hot. She probably doesnt want you to tie her up and spank her, but push her back against the wall and kiss her, YES. Lead in the bedroom with new positions firmly repositioning her body, YES. The pull my body towards yours while you stand at the end of the bed, YES. Dominance is hot in moderation. Don't you occassionally wish she would take complete control? Think of it this way. 1
Poppygoodwill Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Let's be clear...there's a huge difference between what happens in bed and what happens in the rest of the relationship. They shouldn't be confused because that way trouble lies. Sounds to me like she wants you to be more proactive in your life together, which means saying : this is what I want, and this is how we'll do it...etc etc. There's also a huge difference between expressing your opinion and making things happen, and dominating another person. It's interesting that you conflate the two in that it seems for you to have a proactive attitude, equates with dominance in your mind. I think that's your interpretation of it, not hers. I want my husband to get on with things and not wait for me to tell him what to do. I want a person with a backbone and opinions, someone who is willing to fight his corner and make things happen. That has nothing to do with being dominated. Farthest thing from it, in fact. It's about a person having a strong sense of themselves and being equals. I have a feeling that your understanding of 'equal' means you standing back and letting her take charge of everything. 3
Almond_Joy Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I agree with Poppy's post and distinctions. Standing your ground is not dominating someone. Maybe becuase you see your wife as exceptionally weak-willed you see assertiveness towards her as you being domineering. I also notice that you keep talking about her problems and what she wants. What do YOU want? Do you want to maintain your current behavior? Does that feel more natural and comfortable for YOU? Maybe she wants to be led, but if she does, I don't see that as a responsiblity you **have** to bear. If you don't want to lead another person you shouldn't feel you have to, especially for a marriage to stay intact and be fulfilling. She needs to be able to make her own decisions and stand behind them. "Leading" another person puts all decison-making reponsiblity and the stresses of that responsibility on your shoulders. It seems an unfairly disproportonate burden for you to bear in a marriage between what should be equal partners.
still_an_Angel Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 I think being a sub is being in that frame of mind (submissiveness). There are domestic subs, slave/subs, subs only in the bedroom, and many other types. It depends on one's frame of mind and how much dominance one would allow. Your W might have some tendencies that she hides or secretly desires some sort of dominance. If you were a beta before her affair and is now an alpha, and you can she responds to this, then you must be fulfilling her need for dominance. What you described in the bedroom signifies (to me anyway) that she likes aggressiveness and spontaneity. It seems you guys have been married for some time, things might be needing some spicing up and she is giving you an indication of what she likes because she had a massive O. As for being firm and telling her what to do about the house projects, well maybe she really wants you to take charge and make the final decisions and make things happen. It might have nothing to do with being submissive... I have a question for you though... do you like being dominant? How do you feel playing the role of dom? i think you need to clear the air and just ask her.
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