NiceGuy73 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Its been about 2 weeks since I had to move out of our family home (if I did not leave she was going to). She told me she is done with the marriage , is going to buy a place on her own with our 3 kids...... Each day is a living hell I have seen my kids for certain days but picked them up from our parents in the meantime so I have avoided her (on purpose) I am soooo tempted to do or say something to try and win t her back.....but my head is telling me it will backfire as I have already tried this and it either wont work period or its just too early....She probably has not even missed me yet I have tried to do NC as much as practical but losing my family set up and my wife has completely devaststed me...There is no cheating involved we just used to fall out all the time on how we should bring up the kids WHAT DO I DO?????? SHOULD I CONTINUE NC???????? I need the strength to carry on.....I know its really pathetic but I need advice before I do something I regret
Zimber Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Its been about 2 weeks since I had to move out of our family home (if I did not leave she was going to). She told me she is done with the marriage , is going to buy a place on her own with our 3 kids...... Each day is a living hell I have seen my kids for certain days but picked them up from our parents in the meantime so I have avoided her (on purpose) I am soooo tempted to do or say something to try and win t her back.....but my head is telling me it will backfire as I have already tried this and it either wont work period or its just too early....She probably has not even missed me yet I have tried to do NC as much as practical but losing my family set up and my wife has completely devaststed me...There is no cheating involved we just used to fall out all the time on how we should bring up the kids WHAT DO I DO?????? SHOULD I CONTINUE NC???????? I need the strength to carry on.....I know its really pathetic but I need advice before I do something I regret Yikes! This sucks NG. NC is an inaccurate term when children are involved. BO - Business Only is more appropriate. I know it hurts more than you think you may be able to handle ... but you will. I did. Many here have. Your main concern right now is you! Your children need a father. Start working on yourself ... now. Do not whatever you do start going nutjob on your ex as you will only strengthen her resolve!!! Do the usual things that people would suggest (yep, I'm serious), hit the gym (workouts/testosterone) do wonders for recovery. Start taking care of business wrt the law and child/spousal support. See a lawyer for goodness sakes ... yesterday. If you want your wife back you must improve, improve, improve. If she notices, it must be discovered by her and not communicated by you. Regarding if she misses you yet, if she doesn't she will. However, understand the dumper has a significant advantage over the dumped; they have been emotionally preparing themselves for this transition for some time. You should not even be allowing yourself to contemplate such things (although, I know that's almost impossible). Don't spend all your time plotting how you can get back together. Ultimately, it will just hold you back on your healing. I didn't read your other threads, but your wife sounds a bit scorned. Either she's grumpy at being neglected, taken advantage of, sick of something ... or she's looking for greener grass (it's not your fault, it's just the times). Clearly the ultimatum of you or her move out NOW suggests ... something other than I've fallen out of love with you breakup. You need to deal with the situation and not wallow in despair before you end up a broke fellow, working for a family that doesn't live with you. Whatever you do, go for joint custody. Do not feel confident that this is what will happen because she says it (sounds like you were blindsided, believe nothing). You must make it happen through a lawyer. Whatever you do, don't hit the booze! In fact, if you enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, give it up for now. Use this forum friend. I'm fairly new here, but have used a different one when I went through all this and it really helps. People care! Z 1
David87 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Yes please continue NC. Im going to give you a very grafic example. Being dumped it's like a death sentence. You have 2 options, die with dignity , or beg for your life. This is the perfect time to show your ex that you are a man, that you don't need her in your life to be happy, that she doesn't matter anymore. Be strong and think that other people around the world are dying every day because of hunger for example. Be grateful that you're healthy. The very first time i've got dumped I cried like a little bi**h and my ex told me that she couldn't be with a man that's weaker than she is. 2
legion113 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 I've read most of your posts after reading the one today. I'm sorry you are going thru such a hard time. However, I think you have a shot at reconciling, just not for awhile. I'm predicting about 6 months or so and she'll be back. You state her mom passed and she hasn't been the same since. What happened is she had a revelation that life is short, that she is mortal. She may have felt trapped in the relationship, maybe there are things she feels she needs to experience. That's why I believe she wants to sell the house, she needs quick cash to be able to afford doing all these things she "believes" she wants to experience. However, that will come to an end in a few months. The money will run out, the kids will be a constant reminder that she just can't take off and do stuff, the feeling of being "free" will not materialize. Furthermore, the way she lets her kids do whatever they want will come back to bite her. Kids need rules, discipline. She won't be able to control them soon, and it will frustrate her and make her life that much harder day to day. You were being the good parent, she wasn't. What you should do in the meantime is what everyone recommends. Start working out. HARD. It's not so much for anyone else but yourself. When you look good, your self confidence will increase, and people will notice, including your wife. Start saving your money. Know that there will be an end to this, start marking it off in your calendar. Be there for your kids, they are the most important thing right now besides you. They will always be your kids. Do these things, and in six months, whether she comes back or not (and I'm assuming she will) you will be in a much better place. The choice is yours, either be in a better place in six months regarding everything, or be in a worse place. When you look back 6 months from now, how do you want to feel about the actions you took. I know it's tough, but you aren't alone. Back off on her, when you are in her presence and start feeling weak, just think to yourself "Do I look like someone who gives a ****?" Use it as a mantra to project the right attitude. Indifference and confidence. Your countdown begins today. Get to work...
Author NiceGuy73 Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 Hey you guys I cant put it into words what a boost your posts mean to me....many many thanks!!!!! Especially taking the time out to read all my other posts...amazing I joined the gym at the weekend......I am average build and of average fitness but doing a 2mile run on Monday night + half an hour swim did make a massive difference....Going again tonight as I know its just gives you a temporary uplift but it will make me more confident that's for sure. I just need to be reminded over and over again to go NC unless we have to meet to sort the kids out etc....I think I am a bit scarred of breaking down and begging at her feet. I am also haunted about her going off with someone else in the short term. I know its a bit ridiculous as she is probably upset as well but I need to coach myself to stop thinking about this but its bloody hard!!!! When I had the kids stop with me last Saturday night I knew she was going out with her friends.... I was a right state and had my parents come round to keep me company......as it was just me a 2year old and a 6 year old to talk to .....Was tough but I managed it somehow. Anyway enough bloody whining.......I NEED TO BE STRONG THANKS AGAIN LS BUDDYS
legion113 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Regarding her going out with friends, the way to look at it is this, the more guys she meets and goes out with, the faster she will realize that you were something special. Why do you think she is doing this right now? Because she thinks there is something better out there, she doesn't know...Besides, who knows, you might realize she wasn't all that herself, and find yourself someone who is not only better, but feels the same way you do about raising kids:-) Hang in there buddy!!!!!
Author NiceGuy73 Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 Thanks Legion seriously Bit nervous today.......Tonight is the first time we will come face to face when I drop the kids off at 7pm after having dinner with me. Over the last 2 weeks its been possible to use her Dads place to swap over so NC Plus also when we first agreed the kids visiting schedule there was one quirk as she had a prearranged night out after work this Friday night..... This weekend is down on the schedule that the kids stop with her but I agreed as a one off to stay over at her house to watch the kids. She would stay at her Dads.....She now emails me last night and says she is still going out but will back at her house at 2130.......So I have to face her then also and instead of staying over as originally planned I will have to leave. I still don't have my full time house yet because I am going to rent a friends house but he is still refurbing it. It will be ready in 4 weeks so in the meantime I am staying at mixture of friends and parents....Plus when its been agreed that when I have the kids at a weekend I can stay over at the former marital home while she goes to stay with her Dad. Sooo nervous about tonight and also the switch at 930pm on Friday I just going to try and be as pleasant and cool as possible.....Is this the way to go. Anyone have anymore tips or advise?
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