Phoe Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Alright guys, need a bit of a push in the right direction. Communication, obviously, is essential for a relationship. That's easy. What's not easy, is knowing the nuances of HOW to communicate the right way. I don't quite think I'm doing it right. We all have moments where are partner may say or do something that we do not appreciate, and it's necessary to let them know that you do not appreciate that. HOW do you do this without causing a negative reaction, thus making the situation worse? Tonight my boyfriend made a comment that I did not appreciate, and I told him word for word, "I don't appreciate that you said XYZ, it made me feel bad" - which didn't go well. He responded that I took his comment up the ass and I shouldn't have, and of course, this response from him was not appreciated either. Rather than argue and get grumpy, I told him goodnight, and went home. Is there a better way for me to communicate that I don't like what he said to me? Or should I pick and choose my battles, perhaps creating tension over a grumpy comment is not worth it? We're both sick right now. He got sick about a week ago, which then got me sick. While I'm getting better, he got worse this morning and ended up in urgent care. I took care of him all day, so after trying my best all day, his grumpy comment really grinded my gears. It's something that I likely would've just brushed off on an ordinary day. So do I brush it off, or change the way I communicate my displeasure?
Els Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 I don't see anything wrong with the way you communicated it. That being said, if he's sick, he's probably going to be understandably grumpy anyway. Is this a one-off thing or has it been ongoing? 4
LilGirlandOW Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 My opinion is you did the right thing in communicating that you didn't appreciate his comment and that it hurt your feelings. Sometimes men can be like children when their sick, tired, stressed and "act out" unlike their ordinary self. The problem comes when you stop communicating how he makes you feel, then you're essentially allowing and inviting future disrespect Goodluck xo 2
Author Phoe Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 I don't see anything wrong with the way you communicated it. That being said, if he's sick, he's probably going to be understandably grumpy anyway. Is this a one-off thing or has it been ongoing? This is the 2nd time he's gotten sassy out of left field, he normally doesn't. The first time he told me I looked like ****. When I told him that I did not like that, he was immediately apologetic and shocked at himself for saying it. He STILL apologizes for that. What he said today wasn't nearly as bad, but still really not necessary and just made me feel crappy after spending the whole day trying to give him all the care I could to make him feel better. I tried being straightforward, while not taking an accusatory tone, but I think my irritation was showing quite a bit, and since he was already grumpy about me leaving in the first place, he made his comment, got a reaction he didn't want, and then furthermore felt even more grumpy. He's so sick and exhausted... this may have been one of those moments where I ought've just bitten my tongue.
pickflicker Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 That was not a good thing for him to say. You communicated in a clear and non-accusatory way. With comments like that, he's only asking you to take further comments "up the ass". Lovely. 5
Els Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 This is the 2nd time he's gotten sassy out of left field, he normally doesn't. The first time he told me I looked like ****. When I told him that I did not like that, he was immediately apologetic and shocked at himself for saying it. He STILL apologizes for that. What he said today wasn't nearly as bad, but still really not necessary and just made me feel crappy after spending the whole day trying to give him all the care I could to make him feel better. I tried being straightforward, while not taking an accusatory tone, but I think my irritation was showing quite a bit, and since he was already grumpy about me leaving in the first place, he made his comment, got a reaction he didn't want, and then furthermore felt even more grumpy. He's so sick and exhausted... this may have been one of those moments where I ought've just bitten my tongue. Twice in 6 months, with one apologized for and the other while sick, isn't much cause for concern IMO. You didn't do anything wrong, he was wrong, but it's really not a big deal given the context. I do find other parts of your R concerning, but not this. 1
Author Phoe Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 As long as I'm not making things worse with being direct in communication. That's what I was most concerned about, that my way of communicating is not productive. Grumpy Sick Man? I can deal. Actual failure in my ways of communicating? Not so good..
David87 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 You did the right thing by telling him what bothers you, but i think that the timing was wrong. Next time he does something that bothers you tell him when you cool of. Do it the next day for example. I always did this when my girlfriend did something that bothered me, especially when she was sick or depressed. 2
Els Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 As long as I'm not making things worse with being direct in communication. That's what I was most concerned about, that my way of communicating is not productive. Grumpy Sick Man? I can deal. Actual failure in my ways of communicating? Not so good.. Ever thought you second-guess yourself waaaay too much? You get a bad response and immediately think the problem is you. You need to stop that. 6
gaius Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 That was not a good thing for him to say. You communicated in a clear and non-accusatory way. With comments like that, he's only asking you to take further comments "up the ass". Lovely. This is what happens when you let guys run over you. It was inevitable from the last time she had to apologize to him while he was being a dick. Terrible advice. At some point you're going to have to stop being the one who rolls over or it's just going to keep getting worse and worse Phoe. You're going to have to make him be the one to apologize to you and win back your favor. 2
Treasa Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 What was his comment that you didn't appreciate? Apologies if you already mentioned it and I missed it, as I just woke up. I've read all your threads about this guy, and I think he's a pain in the ass. Seriously. He sounds like one of my exes, and that guy had a lot of problems. You should be more firm if he makes comments about taking his original comment "up the ass" when you calmly tell him that you didn't appreciate what he said. At that point, I would have said, "You know what? You're a whiny little bitch. And you can shove that straight up YOUR ass." And then I would have left. Permanently. 4
GoreSP Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Alright guys, need a bit of a push in the right direction. Communication, obviously, is essential for a relationship. That's easy. What's not easy, is knowing the nuances of HOW to communicate the right way. I don't quite think I'm doing it right. We all have moments where are partner may say or do something that we do not appreciate, and it's necessary to let them know that you do not appreciate that. HOW do you do this without causing a negative reaction, thus making the situation worse? Tonight my boyfriend made a comment that I did not appreciate, and I told him word for word, "I don't appreciate that you said XYZ, it made me feel bad" - which didn't go well. He responded that I took his comment up the ass and I shouldn't have, and of course, this response from him was not appreciated either. Rather than argue and get grumpy, I told him goodnight, and went home. Is there a better way for me to communicate that I don't like what he said to me? Or should I pick and choose my battles, perhaps creating tension over a grumpy comment is not worth it? We're both sick right now. He got sick about a week ago, which then got me sick. While I'm getting better, he got worse this morning and ended up in urgent care. I took care of him all day, so after trying my best all day, his grumpy comment really grinded my gears. It's something that I likely would've just brushed off on an ordinary day. So do I brush it off, or change the way I communicate my displeasure? Nope. The way you said it is perfect. Your boyfriend needs to stop being an ass. sry.
Gaeta Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Nothing wrong with your communication style. That being said this is way too much drama for a very young relationship. You've been together only a few months and he constantly complains, tries to manipulate you, guilt trips you as much as he can AND is using a very disrespectful language with you. Any man telling me *I look like shlt* would not get a second chance to talk to me like that. 3
Iguanna Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 In moments like this I thank God that my bf is so open to discussing everything that bothers us. I have learnt though that, while it's ok to express anything, the timing is not always the right one to do it. For example when he comes home from work he needs to spend some time to relax, eat, watch a funny video etc. Whatever I say in this hour will most likely make him sad and/or angry. What I do say when I feel the timing is ok is "you did/said something the other day that bothered me - made me sad - whatever". I have this right. And he has the right to address to me whatever I did/said to bother him. I can't be in a relationship where I can't express my feelings. Period. Now if your bf does not respect that something he did was not appreciated and he immediately turns angry, then the problem is deeper. (If I am allowed to express my opinion, I think that deep inside you know that there is something wrong with this guy but you don't want to accept it. You are one of these people that need to get things to the real edge in order to get out of the situation. I'm like this too. I hope you don't lose much time in the process though...) 1
veggirl Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Phoe someday you'll enjoy a truly healthy relationship that makes you shake your head at the s.hit you put up with from this guy after only 3 months. Like I said in your last thread, he's just a big giant baby. You did nothing wrong and I can't believe you even need to ask. What about that communication on your end could POSSIBLY have been wrong/bad? I mean seriously. 7
Chubbi Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Can you tell us what the comment was? If not, our advice could be one-sided because we don't have the full story.
somedude81 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 "I don't appreciate that you said XYZ, it made me feel bad" That's exactly what you should have said. If he's not mature enough to handle that, then it's his problem. "He responded that I took his comment up the ass and I shouldn't have" And that's how mature he is. Don't worry Phoe, you are doing nothing wrong. 1
Author Phoe Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 After some time to think he apologized for making me feel bad. The more I think about it, David's advice about waiting a day probably seems most realistic, considering that if I HAD waited til today, I wouldn't have been bothered with mentioning anything anyway. Now it's a matter of me figuring out the difference between the things I DO need to bring up to him, or the things I should just brush off. He took the day off from work since he's sick. I'm actually feeling worse again, thought I was getting better yesterday. Gonna go spend the day with him and rest. It'll be the sick caring for the sick, lol.
Author Phoe Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 Ever thought you second-guess yourself waaaay too much? You get a bad response and immediately think the problem is you. You need to stop that. I second guess myself yes, but that's because I have no idea what I'm doing. That's why I'm here though. It's best I second guess myself on a Internet forum and get unbiased advice rather than second guess myself while in situations with him and then do or say something completely stupid and wrong. I'm in this weird balance between trying to let my heart and emotions be equally as involved as my brain and logical side. Trying to balance both is maddening. I feel inept.
veggirl Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Do you struggle this much when communicating to friends, family, coworkers? I mean if your best friend hurts your feelings, what do you? Do you panic about saying the wrong thing or do you simply say how you feel? Whats the difference with this guy? His over-reactions! And his need to be coddled.
Author Phoe Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 Do you struggle this much when communicating to friends, family, coworkers? I mean if your best friend hurts your feelings, what do you? Do you panic about saying the wrong thing or do you simply say how you feel? Whats the difference with this guy? His over-reactions! And his need to be coddled. my best friend and I have never fought or had hurt feelings, but our time together is limited. We both like our solitude and kind of are best friends who chat sometimes, see each other sometimes, really GET each other, but for the most time spend time away and when we are together, it's just very relaxed and reasonable. Coworkers are coworkers. Simply communicate necessary info to get stuff done and then get the stuff done and go home. Easy. Anytime I ever have some sort of conflict, whether it be friend, family, coworker, whoever, I THINK first. I don't just blurt out what I'm feeling. The problem with doing this in a relationship is that I have NEVER done it before. The last time I was in a real relationship I was 17 and didn't even have the derpiest idea what it meant to try to communicate. I'm almost 25 now. I know I ask stupid questions and I appear to be in panic mode, but it's not "panic". It's me being confused and curious as to what the right thing to do is. For a lot of the situations I'm in, it's my first time being in this situation, and I'm the type of person who likes to be prepared with knowledge rather than charge in blindly and find out what works the hard way. That's why I'm here asking stupid questions, so when I come across unknown situations, I can get advice NOW, while I'm actually going through these things. I wanna work things out the right way while I have this wonderful guy in my life, rather than botch things up with inexperience, "learn the hard way" all at the expense of my relationship.
somedude81 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 You just don't have any relationship confidence and you're very lacking in experience. Though from what I see of your posts, you aren't doing anything wrong. It's just that your boyfriend is acting strangely. Is he lacking in experience as well?
Author Phoe Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 Is he lacking in experience as well? He's had one girlfriend before me, back when he was 19, but it only lasted about 2 months, so this is already the longest relationship he's been in. We're both just about on equal footing, really. Blind leading the blind.
somedude81 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 He's had one girlfriend before me, back when he was 19, but it only lasted about 2 months, so this is already the longest relationship he's been in. We're both just about on equal footing, really. Blind leading the blind. And there you go. He's clueless as well. That also goes a lot way to explain some of the problems you're having, why he wants to move so fast etc. Both of you guys don't know any better. No offense, but it's almost as if the both of your are teenagers in adult bodies with no idea what to do with each other.
Phantom888 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 I think you communicated clearly and nicely. If I were him I would apologize. That happened on Monday when I accidentally said something that sounded like an accusation, which I didn't mean. My fiancee told me she felt bad that I said such things, and I immediately apologized. Everything went back to normal, and we feel good that we worked things out.
Recommended Posts