thegreatesthumphrey Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 (edited) Okay, so we broke up a week ago. l broke up with him, said its done that is all. l made it clear later that night that l wanted to be friends. The most honest thing l could say. This man is amazing and l want him in my life regardless. The day after we broke up l was still staying at his place and he cuddled with me, hung out. Then we he came home the second day he was different. cold, mean, judgmental and wanted me gone. He has been so distant from me since, but still responds to me. l texted him this tonight: "We both know that you dont have to, but l would appreciate it if you would tell me why you dislike me so much. lt kind of came out of no where. Just be honest with me. The truth never hurts." He wrote back: "Thats not it at all." How the hell should l take that and what should l say??? Edited March 26, 2014 by thegreatesthumphrey error
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Maybe he just has accelerated Kubler-Ross stages! So you dumped him and you're wondering why he's acting cold to you?? 1
Mo_Do Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 What a mess... Leave the poor guy alone. You broke up with him, and then went over for a cuddle? WTF 3
SammySammy Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Break up with him, still staying in his house, stringing him along emotionally and wonders why he isn't thrilled about it. Wow. 1
thecrucible Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 You need to give him space. Then once wounds are healed then you can know whether you can be friends. Just respect the fact that not everyone can be friends with an ex. For instance, I've only just recovered from an ex who stayed in contact rather than giving me space to grieve. It was awful. A quick question - do you really want to be friends with or are you just guilty about breaking up with him? Think about this carefully because that's what my ex has been like with me. And it's why I wasn't convinced. In the end it hurt me more, because his texts (which I didn't reply to) kept him in my mind and I found it harder to get over him. You'll need to give him space to heal. Let fate take it's course. If you're to be friends in the future, it will happen naturally.
Author thegreatesthumphrey Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 the thing is i still love him. i ended things because he had been acting distant before i told him i wanted to break up. Granted, on Valentine's Day he showed me such a connection and a bond. Then after that he backed away. This man is my match in every way. lt just feels like it is the wrong time for us?
Mrin Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Don't mean to be a jerk but what did you expect? You did the breaking. Then you stuck around a cuddled? Basically the only thing you can hope for (not expect) is that he is civil to you. Anything more is a reach. But just remember, 'tis always better to be a hammer than a nail.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Don't mean to be a jerk but what did you expect? You did the breaking. Then you stuck around a cuddled? Basically the only thing you can hope for (not expect) is that he is civil to you. Anything more is a reach. But just remember, 'tis always better to be a hammer than a nail. Exactly. Give your head a little shake, OP. You can't really blame the guy for not wanting you around when you dumped him. Give him space. By cuddling up and getting cozy you're sending huge mixed messages and being unfair. 2
soccerrprp Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 the thing is i still love him. i ended things because he had been acting distant before i told him i wanted to break up. Granted, on Valentine's Day he showed me such a connection and a bond. Then after that he backed away. This man is my match in every way. lt just feels like it is the wrong time for us? Did you ask him why he was being distant? Why do YOU think it was the wrong time? Did you do this in "anticipation" (however irrational) of him breaking-up with YOU? People are known to beat someone to the punch b/c it somehow makes them feel better to be the dumper...
Arieswoman Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 thegreatesthumphrey, If there was a thread about a guy treating a girl like this he would have been flamed off the page by now. IMO this is no different. You broke up with him. It's done. Now you are giving mixed messages. Stop messing with his head and move on. 3
David87 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 the thing is i still love him. i ended things because he had been acting distant before i told him i wanted to break up. Granted, on Valentine's Day he showed me such a connection and a bond. Then after that he backed away. This man is my match in every way. lt just feels like it is the wrong time for us? Why did you broke up with him if he's your match in every way? If you say that you love him than you should have talk about those issues, not dump him and then give him false hope by cuddling. Do you want him back or not? it's not fare to act like this. If you don't want him anymore then leave the man alone to heal and recover. 1
GemmaUK Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Okay, so we broke up a week ago. l broke up with him, said its done that is all. l made it clear later that night that l wanted to be friends. The most honest thing l could say. This man is amazing and l want him in my life regardless. The day after we broke up l was still staying at his place and he cuddled with me, hung out. Then we he came home the second day he was different. cold, mean, judgmental and wanted me gone. He has been so distant from me since, but still responds to me. l texted him this tonight: "We both know that you dont have to, but l would appreciate it if you would tell me why you dislike me so much. lt kind of came out of no where. Just be honest with me. The truth never hurts." He wrote back: "Thats not it at all." How the hell should l take that and what should l say??? He's saying he doesn't dislike you. However, you broke up with him. Surely you don't expect him to go through no emotion at all over that? Back off from wanting to be friends just now too. Give the guy a break and some space. Get out of his place too. You broke up with him so you are further along the healing process as this has obviously been on your mind for a while. To him this is a shock and all new.
Author thegreatesthumphrey Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 We have a less emotionally invested relationship than the norm. We are both single parents with full custody, so that makes both of us extremely logical. l have somewhat more emotion than he does though, because l am a woman. The staying there the second night had to do with the fact that my car battery failed on me, so l needed to go buy another one. l asked his permission to stay and he put the battery in for me when l got it. What he said right after l said its pretty much done - " Yea, l should not have hinted at wanting a relationship, that is not fair to you." That was all. Then we went on like nothing happened and treated each other like we normally do. l started crying a little later and ran to the bathroom. He followed. There is no doubt in my mind that we BOTH care about each other a tremendous amount. lt just seemed like it got to the point where it was just pointless for us to stay together, would just make things worse. lf we didnt both have our own baggage that conflicted each other's so badly, l guarantee that l would never have to date again because we mesh so well. Our kids dont like each other, l have had a string of bad luck this year, We both struggle with money because we get no child support, and l have maintained my own residence the entire time so we couldnt put our money together, not only do our kids not get along, but they are all bad lol, we are both very introverted so the constant screaming, crying, fighting all day long exhausts us. We both fear commitment, him moreso then l, so it hasnt allowed us to create a stable family system. l ended up texting him back after a couple hours last night Original Convo Me: We both know that you dont have to, but l would appreciate it if you would tell me why you dislike me so much. lt kind of came out of no where. Just be honest with me. The truth never hurts. 10:08 PM Him: Thats not it at all. 10:17 PM Following Convo Me: Can you tell me what it is? l dont like assuming. l am bad at it lol 11:44 PM Him: I needed my space. I will always need my space. Especially while i have two daughters constantly around 12:05 AM Me: Fair enough and understandable. 12:10 AM Me: l want u to know that you could always tell me that. That is always something l understand. l get the same way, maybe not to your extent, but l do. Have a goodnight and thanks:) 12:15 AM Me: Will you come visit me soon? 12:22 AM Him: Sure 12:24 AM Me: l have an idea for you. We will talk later though, l am going to bed. 12:32 AM
Author thegreatesthumphrey Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 l feel like this relationship is bittersweet, and l just have to accept the inevitable... but part of me doesnt want to let go, which is the whole point of me seeking this advice:)
Gaeta Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 l guarantee that l would never have to date again because we mesh so well. If you were a match you would not have all those issues, everything would be easy and smooth. not only do our kids not get along, but they are all bad lol, we are both very introverted so the constant screaming, crying, fighting all day long exhausts us. I apologize ahead of time for what I am about to say: Get control over your children. People that can't manage their kids properly also cannot manage anything else properly in their life. You let your children walk all over you and disrespect your authority then you turn around and expect a man to respect you? Start by getting a grab on your life, then maybe you can get a grab on your love life. Being an introvert is no excuse to let children run your life, it's just an excuse to not take control.
Supes Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 "Will you come visit me soon?" Why on earth are you saying that to him after he said he needed space. Stop playing with his head, this is utterly disgusting behaviour. It sounds to me like you're being passive aggressive and toying with him after he pulled back slightly with you on Vaentines Day. Leave the poor man alone! 1
crederer Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 My ex did something similar. Dumped me, then wanted to be friends. I hung out with her a few times basically hoping her saying that meant she was unsure of breaking up. All she did was use me as a shoulder to cry on so I decided I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to take all the negatives and none of the positives of a relationship. Then she got upset with me when I basically started ignoring her, talking to her only about important things (i.e mutual friend with cancer, death of my grandmother). Haven't spoken to he since around July or so. Ran into her at the bar, she was drunk as hell and gave me hell for not being her friend. lol get real.
Tk123 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Don't forget the fact that YOU broke up with him. I feel like wanting to be "friends" still is greedy of you. Let him give you what you want. You broke up with him now you're going to have to move on with life without him. Maybe down the road you will realize what you lost. Sorry it sounds so harsh, but my girlfriend pulled the same BS with me and she came running back after only a couple days of NC.If you want to break up with him, you're willing to let him go.
Author thegreatesthumphrey Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 l guess l didnt provide alll the facts. lt was a mutual break up, l am just the one that said it. We broke up on logical terms, not emotional because we have kids involved and we are each the only support systems for our families. l am 26. He is 32. We are not kids. He has two daughters 8 & 11 and l have one son 2 1/2. The kids dont get along and his daughters are resistant to the relationship and they lash out. By asking my initial question, l was trying to figure out if he was opting not to maintain a friendship and where this anger was coming from. Since l asked him , and he said space, l get that. l dont want any other man but him. The current situation was not conducive to our goals and plans. 5 People in a 3 bedroom 900sqft duplex. l also want to say that our relationship had been taking steps backward, not forward, because we both cannot stand chaos. We moved in together quickly because he needed a babysitter for his too girls and we were agreed it would save money. l maintained my own home though through out the relationship. l just stayed there to save time and gas money. Then l got a huge promotion but worked 60 hours a week. We decided to buy a house together. His girls started going crazy. We decided against it. Me more so than him, because l need cohesiveness at home. Then a month after that, we decided not to live together any longer. l would come over, only because my place is even smaller than theirs. l got tired of driving back and forth all the time. As the only bread winner and the only parent, l dont have a lot of time, if l am going to support my home. lt seems almost impossible for us to force this family together. He said he wishes this could work. l said there is no rush. We laughed and agreed that if we are still having sex in 10 years we would move in with each other then. l also think it is important to describe our relationship personalities -- neither one of us believe in marriage.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 From what you describe, it doesn't exactly sound like the relationship was going in a positive direction any way. You were wise to pull the plug. Time to move on, for both of you.
MidwestUSA Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 How does a 2 and a half year old not get along with anyone? Do you mean to say that his daughters fight? I'm sorry, but you're all over the place! You're with this guy for all the wrong reasons. 1
Author thegreatesthumphrey Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 No his 9 year old daughter likes to bully my son, and yes his daughters fight all the time. And l am starting to get that feeling that it is all over the place, but wasnt supposed to be.
Gaeta Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 I would not want to be with someone that doesn't take time and pride in educating their children properly. At 9 y/o that child should get serious consequences for bullying a 2.5 y/o!! You are better apart in each your home. Don't expose your son to mean children and bullies. He's still just a baby. What a child goes through before the age of 5 will build his self-image.
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