jacktorranc Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Hi guys, I am trying to find a place to vent a little bit and get some advices and comfort. Let me just start off by saying that my first language is not English so excuse me in advance for any language issues. About 3 years ago (august 2011), I went study abroad in Louisiana, leaving my home country in western Europe for what I thought would just be a year. There I met this american girl, long story short, we were pretty much together the whole year and I have some of the best memories of my life associated with this year abroad and this girl. She contributed a lot to make a great time even greater. Although she did stuff that could make me jealous (she can be flirtatious with other guy), and had some personal issue in her life that could sometimes make her become irritable or even mean, I think she is a really good heart and is a great person. I loved her particular personality and her authenticity. We had a total sexual connection, something I have never had before. She was good at it and since I think I am good at it too, it was great. Did I mention she is gorgeous? After I left Louisiana, I was lucky enough to be admitted to a good university in Arizona for grad school with a great financial package. I wanted to remain in the south but I was not going to take out a loan for my studies and so I went there for 2 years (I am currently finishing my last semester there). During this time, we started a long-distance relationship, it was not expected, but it just happened. Overall, we did really good, we would visit each other once a month and shared some great times. Sure there was a lot of suffering too and I would not do that again. This pain was also enhanced by the fact that I had a really great circle of friends in Louisiana and Arizona wasn't that good in that aspect. She also came visit me home last summer for 5 weeks, we traveled across Europe. Germany, France, Switzerland, Italy, Such an awesome time. I never really intended to stay in the US after my master for her, because I love my family a lot. Without this factor, I would probably have stayed since I love the usa, especially the south (I know it is odd). Therefore I always had, and still have, serious consideration in staying here for her. But it is scary. We did this whole 2 years long distance thing with each of us knowing that it was possibly pointless since I was going to leave. But we still did it and for me it matters a lot, it takes a lot of commitment to do a long-distance for 2 years with no plausible end-date in sight. But what can i say, sometimes breaking up is just too hard. I think we were both expecting the other one to just change their mind and leave their home country. In December we decided to do a break, which lasted much longer than expected. We didn't talk for about 2-3 months. I didn't care much at this point because during my last visit for thanksgiving she was really rude to me and distant, and at this point I told myself I didn't want to spend more time with her, despite all the great memories. Things weren't just as good in general anymore, I got hurt a few times and stop caring as much for her. Finally she texted me and on skype she said she had been missing me, she explained the reason why she was so distant and rude was because of the loss of her grandfather about a month earlier. I still don't know if this is a valid reason but... Skyping even after 3 month brought up so many feelings and I started missing her again because she was so sweet during the conversation. Anyway 2 weeks later I suggested that we break up because at this point I knew I didn't really intend to come back in the states and it was no fair for her. Some of her behaviors just scared me to take such a huge commitment: getting married (we are still young), leaving home and family for a girl that even if I loved her, was sometimes unpredictable (I am not saying I am perfect either but I am relatively stable emotionally). Many times during our fights I told myself there was no way I was staying for her, but I still did because as I said overall things were good, sex was still the best, and the effort she was putting to make it work mattered a lot to me. We both cried during the skype and didn't know what to do or want to do it but it seemed like there was no other way around. Life is though sometimes. So we broke up in a very civilized and caring way. The last word to each other were "I love you". What a way to break up with someone. If felt also unreal cause it was done over a freaking computer. Now we are not talking anymore and I miss her like crazy, and she does too. So much effort and pain for nothing, so many great memories left behind. Yes I know it is our fault for starting something that maybe wasn't meant to be but as I said, 2 years ago we didn't know what was going to happen and sometimes emotions take over reason. Breaking up for a physical reason (immigration, distance, work) is very frustrating. I am leaving the country in about 1.5 month and so many things scare me. I am leaving behind me someone I love, and the best memories of my life. I am moving to a new city where I know no one, and making friends in europe can be though. I am also starting a full time internship for 6 month. I know it is silly but I never had a full time job before and it scares me as well. Just a lot of major changes, it is so hard. Also it is difficult to think she will have someone else in her life soon, it makes me very jealous and sad. I am usually a strong and independent man, but relationship are my weakness. I hope someone had the courage to read this long (damn it is very long) story and thanks in advance for any help, advice or comfort. Thanks
thecrucible Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Now we are not talking anymore and I miss her like crazy, and she does too. So much effort and pain for nothing, so many great memories left behind. Yes I know it is our fault for starting something that maybe wasn't meant to be but as I said, 2 years ago we didn't know what was going to happen and sometimes emotions take over reason. Breaking up for a physical reason (immigration, distance, work) is very frustrating. I am leaving the country in about 1.5 month and so many things scare me. I am leaving behind me someone I love, and the best memories of my life. I am moving to a new city where I know no one, and making friends in europe can be though. I am also starting a full time internship for 6 month. I know it is silly but I never had a full time job before and it scares me as well. Just a lot of major changes, it is so hard. Also it is difficult to think she will have someone else in her life soon, it makes me very jealous and sad. I am usually a strong and independent man, but relationship are my weakness. I have been in a very similar situation. It is so tough. Was she your first love? The best thing you can do is remember the good times (I know that's cliched), let yourself heal and stay in touch if it's important to you. If it's going to work out in the future, it will work out. But I would say that it's good to move on in your mind so you can deal with things not working out as well. I know it doesn't help much to say but time really does heal all wounds. I would throw yourself into your new life as a distraction, focus on yourself rather than love for the time being, and see how things pan out. The worst thing to do is to wallow in self-pity. The best thing to do is to take action and try and keep yourself as happy as possible (whilst being patient with yourself and your feelings). There will always be 'what ifs?' in life. The older you get, the more you collect! Life sucks that way. But feel glad that you tried and that you had a good relationship while it lasted. If relationships don't work out, it doesn't mean we're failures, just means we're human. In some months' time, you will have a different opinion on this. You may see that it ended when it did because it wasn't working and that there are other people out there for you. Let yourself heal and gain a sense of perspective. This will take time but gradually things will be brighter for you. I hope that helps in some way. Virtual hugs x
Author jacktorranc Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 Thank you for your answer and time, No it is not my first love, I have been in a situation like this twice before. The first time was the hardest (first girlfriend, first love, lasted 3 years), and then the second time we didn't date for long but it was also very hard. Each time I experienced states of deep confusion, anxiety, etc. Funny thing is that each of these 3 breakup happened right before I went through important changes in my life. First time was right after highschool and before going to the army (1 year mandatory in Switzerland), second time right before leaving for the united states, and third time now, just before coming back home. It sucks that it always happens during times where I need to deal with a whole lot of other major adjustments.
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