bk89 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 (edited) Was with her for a year, moved to NYC together after graduating in Boston. We had the best time of our lives in Boston and NYC changed her so much. I messed up in the beginning with lies due to my insecurities and rough upbringing, however, she forgave me and accepted me for who I was. She was possessive in the beginning, however, we put it behind us and accepted each other's individuality. I knew she smoked weed every now and then, I didn't care. Her group of friends in Boston were all successful and drug-free. Her friends in NYC weren't. The first few months in NYC were fine - her and I constantly going out together and exploring the city. We even bought two puppies which I quickly grew attached to. We started hanging out with an old group of friends of hers which she knew from Boston and I never got along with them. Constant arguments and so on - I was told by my GF that I was awkward, embarrassing and childish. By the end we had grown apart - she was smoking weed 3 hours a day for the past 5 months, even in bed, and cocaine surfaced as well from once a month to every ****ing weekend. I don't smoke weed, never liked it, but I did try coke a few times with her. Every time I did these arguments would occur - I couldn't control myself. I had told her many times she should stop because I was to weak to not do it with her - I would have a few drinks and then give it a try. Essentially, I didn't recognize the girl I fell in love with. She went from being the jealous one, the possessive one, to starting to tell me that she wanted space and wanted time to go out by herself - I then became jealous, possessive and bipolar. She messed with my emotions so much. She asked me to move out, I did, I left everything behind. I couldn't stay in NYC because I was so heartbroken and decided to move back to upstate NY and find myself. I got my things a week after the BU and I was very strong for her. She started crying on my shoulder telling me how much she would miss me. I asked her to make me 2 promises. To stop using and to distance herself from that group of friends. I was heartbroken. She said that night in a text that she misses me and thanked me for being so strong for her. A week later I got our phone bill. Not only did she do coke every single weekend after (saw from texts to drug dealer), she had done it the night before - nothing changed. I was falling apart and she was continuing on like I was never there. I lost my job, the apartment, the dogs, NYC and her. I was embarrassed and ashamed. Shorty after that, I couldn't sleep - I kept texting her and talking to her on the phone and skype - I kept telling her how I can't live without her and that she's the first girl I've ever felt so strong for. It only pushed her away. She involved my family, I involved hers. The last message from her before blocking me on facebook was that she wished she never ****ing met me. That statement ruined me. I am now in therapy and started antidepressants yesterday. My head is killing me. I can't stop thinking about her. She is now going out and exploring the city - she would never get off the couch and go out with me even after saying that she feels bored. Perhaps it was because it was the winter and it wasn't that great outside, who knows. Everything happened so fast and i cannot move on with the words she said. I have done so much for her. I always put her ahead of myself. It's been a month since the BU. I stopped e-mailing after 20 emails with no reply yesterday. I go from blaming her to apologizing to blaming myself.... I can't accept that she is gone. I hate that she just deleted me from her life like I never existed. I can't take this treatment, I do not deserve it. I am such a genuinely good person, she knows that. I can't believe she is treating me like this. I tried telling her family about her drug problem - they ignored me - god only knows what she told them. I miss her so much! I loved waking up to her every morning - it would get me through work and I couldn't wait to see her at the end of the day. I was very weak by the end, and very possessive, I know, and I regret I didn't try harder to get her off drugs and not enable her by doing it myself a few times. I ****ing miss her so much I can't get her out of my head. Her smell, her voice, her face, her tattoo, her belly ring. I can't imagine anyone else pleasing her, undressing her, I can't!! Not in that apartment, in my bed!!!!! Help!!! Edited March 26, 2014 by bk89
Omei Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 (edited) What your feeling is a bit of fear I think to let go, eventually you will have too, do you see yourself in a long life commitment with a girl that does coke everyweek the more she does that stuff the further she's gonna get from the person she once was if she keeps it up she will just surround herself with the same types of people so she can have easy coke access, you cant save her at all there is nothing you can do she must want to change herself her priority's have changed and you're not one of them dont fall for I miss you's etc that's just coming from whatever loneliness or boredom she's feeling at the current time then bounces back to what she really cares about and you're no longer on that list. You feel so hurt because she emotional abused you, used you as a crutch likely now that you're in love with her its a shock you cant understand why she would do it, but she can and did because she's not on the same mindset as you. You now have an opportunity to heal and find someone clean that cares about you, dont regret that you didnt try harder for her to get off drugs no one on earth can do that for someone except the drug user themself, staying with her and accepting her behavior prob made it worse. Moving away is a good idea glad that you could do it a lot of people that go through breakups only wish they could get away. Building a whole new life is great, you should maybe even get your own dog one that no one can take away you may think nay not now but animals have a way of making you fall in love with them quickly too! May be good to have a companion. Edited March 26, 2014 by Omei
robbysurfs Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Addicts and alcoholics are very selfish individuals you have to let this go for now assuming she is one. This is a problem she has to acknowledge herself and you sound very co-dependent. There is nothing you can do anymore from this point on trust me I have a lot of experience with this. Look at this and maybe it will help good luck. Codependency Relationships - Codependent
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