LilacGirl Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 So...I ended the relationship a few weeks ago, while at home for Christmas vacation. We're back at school now, and not only is no contact hard (we live in the same building and share friends), but it hurts so much! I love him, and while our relationship had more then its fair share of problems, I miss him so.bad.ly. I DO NOT want to get back into the relationship - he was convinced I did. We talked for two days while back at school, and fought about the relationship/cried/acted like we were dating like before.... Since then I've blocked him and avoided him in the dorm. It's killing me. I wish he could know how much it is hurting me. I know it must be killing him, but...I just feel like I want him to know he's not alone in his pain. But, I'm afraid if we talk, it'll be more fighting, or more of him trying to convince me to get back in the relationship. I miss him badly, particularly tonight - while everyone's out partying, this used to be one of our big nights. I really want to talk to him - particularly since a mutual friend of ours told me today that he's doing pretty badly - but am afraid of the consequences. I'm looking for advice on what's best in this situation and how to get through it. Is there anyway I can make him feel better? Thank you guys so much.
Zoot Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 Trying to leave a bad relationship is much like trying to quit smoking. You have to realize it's a habit and find other things to replace it's control over your feelings. It may be the hardest thing you ever have to do. However, if you don't follow through with your resolve, you will only find yourself in the same bad position you were in when you made the decision to end it in the first place.
Weird Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 Out of curiosity how come you do not want to get back together and try and work things out? Problems that you feel just can't be fixed?
Author LilacGirl Posted January 29, 2005 Author Posted January 29, 2005 Correct. There was a lot of control issues and, as I already knew, and everyone and their brother still feels like pointing out to me, he was psychologically and verbally abusive. Not all the time. He's a good guy, I just...I don't think he knows what he's doing. Or that he's doing it. Or something. And I really just want both of us to be happy...just seems far away right now. Anyway, by the end I felt trapped because we were either always fighting, or else I was walking on eggshells, on guard, terrified of a fight starting over nothing. So, yes, getting back in the relationship would be a disaster. And I know that. But this NC thing is sooooo painful, and I hate causing him anymore pain...I wanted to find out if there was anyway to make him feel better....but I sort of already know the answer.
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 Lilacgirl, you're so sweet. If you're really convinced that this won't work, try NC for a month or two. It's the kindest for him. If it's any consolation, I'm on friendly terms with all my ex-girlfriends, although we usually had a period of NC first. But you know, sounds like you still like him in a way. You could use the NC to see if you really can live without him. All of us have issues... maybe with some work at his end (NC really encourages this lol) you could live with his...
Author LilacGirl Posted January 30, 2005 Author Posted January 30, 2005 I still care about him. I'm sorry for hurting him. I'd still like to be friends. I absolutely Do Not want to get back into a relationship with him. Period. Nonetheless, thanks for the supportive words, guys. One of his friends just released a general announcement online that I should be shot. What a fine thing to wake up to. Why do people do this?
clynn Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 Oh. Just buddies supporting buddies. That's all. Don't take it personally. Definitely, definitely NC.
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 Wise words from Clynn, as usual. If this helps you any, your ex-bf may well be pissed off with his buddy's actions when he finds out. I have already warned 2 friends off actions damaging to ReluctantJuliette... whatever she did in our relationship is between me and her - hurting her would be a *very* misguided way to pursue my friendship. Try NC and communicate through one of his friends (a more sympathetic one) that the NC is temporary and you are still rooting for him - you just can't do the romantic thing. Ever.
imokurnot Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 Unfortunately my ex isn't strong enough to tell her friends not to be hurtful to me or to not disrespect me when discussing me. So don't take it personally at all. My ex may in fact need them to say negative things about me otherwise she misses me and she is the dumper not the dumpee.
UCFKevin Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 Once more, with feeling: SCREW NO CONTACT. Just call him if that's what feels right. To hell with "the rules."
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 Lilacgirl, if you don't mind me asking, could you help me understand a bit more of female psychology? Basically, what do you want out of this guy? You're missing him - especially on evenings in - and I guess ideally you'd want lots of friendly contact with him. But you definitely don't want to date him or be romantic. Could you explain how you feel? I really think I'd be a wiser guy if I understood this. And if from your experience you have any comments on my story, that would be great: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56007
zep52 Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 Go with ur heart and forget the rules, if you want him let him know, and if you dont still let him know that you will be there as a friend only, Lifes to short to play games...
Author LilacGirl Posted February 1, 2005 Author Posted February 1, 2005 Okay...well. I talked to him about the thing with his friend. It took a loooong talk...but it's taken care of. The conversation overall was very interesting. He was very angry and disappointed in me for not talking to him, even though I told him I wanted no contact. After talking with him again and talking to a supportive friend (not to mention folks here!), I feel I have made the right choice. I'm still very sorry that he is hurting, so sorry. But I do feel much better knowing I did the right thing. Now, even though I'm in a pretty different mindset then when I started this thread, I will answer your questions, ReluctantRomeo... What I was really, really depressed about, was not so much that I missed him (We had too many problems too want the relationship back), but that I was so sorry I hurt him. I knew he was miserable because he, and a mutual friend of ours told me all about it. And I felt absolute sick that he was so upset. That weekend a number of friends either hung out with him (which is fine with me), or else weren't around, so I was left stewing, thinking he was miserable (he later told me what a good time he had...which was a good thing, even though I spent my evening being sad), and I just felt like....I felt like if we could behave like friends, then it would mean both of us were happy again. I wanted to have the friendly, happy, dorky part that made us originally become friends. Obviously, that's not going to happen, at least not for a while. But I felt like if he could feel better, I could then also feel better, because the person I hurt would be hurting no longer. I've learned...or been reminded since then....that that isn't practical. I really, really would like friendly contact with him. And I'll be ready when he's ready. I hope that makes a little sense to you and helps you understand! Thank you again so much everyone!!
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 That makes a lot of sense Lilicgirl, and clears up a few things in my mind. If it's any help, I think that since you 2 had a very friendly bond to begin with, this will come back after a couple of months when the hurt is over. Take me as an example: I'm on good terms with all my ex-girlfriends. We're not always in regular contact, but we have a great time when we do meet up. In 2 weeks I'm organising the music for the wedding of one of them. Btw, out of curiousity, was he onside in dealing with his friend's behaviour?
Author LilacGirl Posted February 1, 2005 Author Posted February 1, 2005 He didn't want to erase it because he said it made him seem like a control freak. He told me to take it up with his friend (who I have never met and is over 8 hours away). In the end though, to his credit, he did erase it, so that's good at least.
Author LilacGirl Posted February 1, 2005 Author Posted February 1, 2005 Ran into him coming back from the gym today. Walked back to the building together. Did the whole "You look better" thing. Small talked. Said a few things that weren't bad, but weren't small talk either. I guess that's how it always is when you know a stranger very well. I'm not sure if we'll ever get to the point where we can really be friends...but if we can just both be happy again, that'll be enough. We did look better. So...I guess we're getting there.
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 Sweetie, if the relationship was mainly good and you carry on being nice he will like you. I have a soft spot for all of my exes, including the ones that dumped me. The pain and awkwardness is temporary... in the longer term he'll remember all the nice things you did together.
clynn Posted February 7, 2005 Posted February 7, 2005 Sounds like you're doing the right stuff. It'll fade out in its own natural way and time, as it already is doing. He is a decent person, as you've said so to be all nasty and cut him off like that all in one shot would be nasty. He's already getting used to the fact you're not an item and each time you see each other I suspect he gets closer and closer to realizing what that means. And you also. Since this is a new situation for both of you. Maybe try not to flaunt any new boys in front of him for a long time. That'll really hurt his feelings.
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