Fondue Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I just realized this is long. OOps. TL;DR: Chinese gf's parents think I'm an ugly white dude. Most people find me very handsome. This is an awkward revelation. What should I think? Exactly what the title says. I found this out yesterday. Still kind of in a bit of disbelief over this one. First off, let me just say this: I am very frequently told by both women AND men that I am very attractive. I hear it on a daily basis. I am not trying to brag at all, it just is what it is. I actually didn't know I was quite handsome until I graduated college and begun dating around. I have a very social job in which I meet new people constantly and build relationships with older, middle aged, younger people. So it isn't just a single age group that finds me good-looking. I had a lot of success with online dating and frequently had responses. So that's that. So this new revelation is a kind of hurtful to the ego, not going to lie. I have been dating my girlfriend for about 8months now. She's met my family plenty of times and I've never met her's. Although I did meet her sister--once. I have never brought it up to her (about meeting her parentals), but it is a subject that occasionally gets touched. She mentioned on more than one occasion that her parents do not speak a word of English although they lived here for almost 20years; and thus why she doesn't want me introduced. I am okay with this, but I kinda don't understand the assimilation bit. BUt that's a different conversation all together. Anyway, they're Chinese. And according to my GF, pretty damn racist against non-Asians. Or non-Chinese in particular. I'm white. Apparently I am sometimes a topic of conversation for when my GF and her mother have girl-time, or whatever you want to call it. She asks my GF for pictures once in a while. So she happened to show her a whole album of me to her this weekend and... Momma thinks I'm unattractive. I am not sure if this is something NEW, or she mentioned it for the first time this weekend. GF didn't just tell me plainly. She just said that her Mom wanted some pics of me and she saw a whole album and that';s it. So I asked, "does she approve?" After a few back and forths, she finally tells me that her mom doesn't find me good-looking. I tease her a bit, saying she must be disappointed that her parents think she is dating someone ugly. She didn't really respond to that and seemed a bit bothered by that comment. It tells me that I was probably right. Is there anything I should feel? ANything I should be concerned about? Or is this not an issue?
Joaquin Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 They probably just think you look the same as all other white guys.
Stay Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 You said they're against non-asians so that's where it's coming from. Asian families who aren't open to dating outside their race will usually say anything to have their daughters not to date a person. They'll say things that might not make a difference like your teeth is too white or something dumb sometimes. Nothing against asians but old fashioned parents are like that. I know it's difficult when the parents don't like you but who cares if you're really ugly or not, you shouldn't let that affect anything. If you both really like each other and get along that's all that matters. This isn't anything you should be concerned about, if her parents are understanding they will learn to accept you. Try to kill them with kindness, asian parents are very family oriented so when you visit try to help out or do things and not sit around. It will force them to like you eventually and see you're not that bad of a guy. 3
slizl Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 You are told on a "daily basis" how attractive you are? Doubt it, but moving on. Who cares what your GF parents think about how attractive you are?
ascendotum Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I guess for people used to getting compliments for their looks, they would be thrown off when someone told them the opposite. When you say this..."She didn't really respond to that and seemed a bit bothered by that comment. It tells me that I was probably right."....I would tend to agree with you that your gf is disappointed by what her mom says about you. It's natural that you want your parents approval of your choices in life, and I say that would be all the more so for Chinese children. To me this is more of a problem for your gf than you. You know you are a decent looking guy and I'm sure having her mom say you are not is not going to make you insecure all of a sudden over your appeal. I don't know what you can really do about this except be a gracious guest whenever you visit them. For me if my gf's mom thought I was creepy looking, I'd be upset & disappointed but unless my gf points out obvious flaws in the way I dress or speak, wtf am I supposed to do. What counts is that my gf find me hot stuff and not her mom. Look quite a few people just do not find some other ethnicities attractive. Her mum might be one of these. Her mum also might have a bias against her daughter dating/marrying an anglo, so then she would see anything about you in a negative light. 2
Author Fondue Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 You are told on a "daily basis" how attractive you are? Doubt it, but moving on. Who cares what your GF parents think about how attractive you are? I work in the healthcare field with mostly women while seeing ~9 different patients a day in their homes and often meet their families. I actually do hear it on a daily basis. There's always talk of the "handsome nurse" that came by. Thanks for the doubt. It matters (at least I think it should) because they probably try to use that to say I might not be right for her. I'm sure it affects her. Which is why I wrote that she took my comment poorly when I made a joke that she is embarrassed that her parents think she is dating an unattractive man. I mean let's be honest. If my parents thought she was ugly, I'd be uncomfortable, too.
SammySammy Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Wow. How rude. As far as being concerned goes, how much do you think her parent's opinions influence her? Some people place a lot of value on what their parents and friends think of their mates. Others do not. If she is a person whose decisions can be swayed by the opinions of her parents, then you may have something to be concerned about.
ponchsox Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Chinese finding an American ugly? It should be the other way around.
Author Fondue Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 I guess for people used to getting compliments for their looks, they would be thrown off when someone told them the opposite. When you say this..."She didn't really respond to that and seemed a bit bothered by that comment. It tells me that I was probably right."....I would tend to agree with you that your gf is disappointed by what her mom says about you. It's natural that you want your parents approval of your choices in life, and I say that would be all the more so for Chinese children. To me this is more of a problem for your gf than you. You know you are a decent looking guy and I'm sure having her mom say you are not is not going to make you insecure all of a sudden over your appeal. I don't know what you can really do about this except be a gracious guest whenever you visit them. For me if my gf's mom thought I was creepy looking, I'd be upset & disappointed but unless my gf points out obvious flaws in the way I dress or speak, wtf am I supposed to do. What counts is that my gf find me hot stuff and not her mom. Look quite a few people just do not find some other ethnicities attractive. Her mum might be one of these. Her mum also might have a bias against her daughter dating/marrying an anglo, so then she would see anything about you in a negative light. Thanks for the feedback. I honestly am disappointed. Which makes me less inclined to meet them, or even discuss the possibility of meeting them. I would rather avoid them now completely. I think it makes me view her differently, too. I am not sure how much approval she seeks from her parents... And if it's any amount, then I am feeling like it might not be worth it. Or something like that. I don't exactly know how to put my thought into words.
smackie9 Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 They want their daughter to date within her race obviously. They sound very traditional Chinese. Some call this racist, but really it's just what they believe in, it's their choice to feel that way. So yes it's a cultural thing. Not sure if you are thinking of marrying this girl, but you have to consider that when you marry, you marry into her family, they come as a package deal. I would never marry someone that has a family that doesn't approve of me. No one needs that kind of tension, especially when children enter the picture. You don't want to expose them to a family that detests you. 3
Author Fondue Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 Wow. How rude. As far as being concerned goes, how much do you think her parent's opinions influence her? Some people place a lot of value on what their parents and friends think of their mates. Others do not. If she is a person whose decisions can be swayed by the opinions of her parents, then you may have something to be concerned about. Honestly, I think their approval means a lot to her. Although she is pretty "westernized," she is still a bit traditional when it comes to her parents. They still loom over her daily. If she is sleeping over, or is hanging out with me till late, she always has to call and give report to her mom. Has to discuss a few things; she's always trying to please her in that way. SHe told me that they used to be more strict than that. I am not sure if that means anything, but it seems like there's still a tight umbilical cord there, so it makes me think she needs their approval. Dunno if that makes sense.
Author Fondue Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 They want their daughter to date within her race obviously. They sound very traditional Chinese. Some call this racist, but really it's just what they believe in, it's their choice to feel that way. So yes it's a cultural thing. Not sure if you are thinking of marrying this girl, but you have to consider that when you marry, you marry into her family, they come as a package deal. I would never marry someone that has a family that doesn't approve of me. No one needs that kind of tension, especially when children enter the picture. You don't want to expose them to a family that detests you. You know what? I didn't want to say it, but I definitely thought about this earlier today. We recently spoke about moving in together and moving to the west coast (she got into a top5 grad school there) in the fall, possibly, but this makes me not consider that option anymore because I don't think it is worth building this relationship further when I know I am simply not accepted. It seems fruitless. That's kinda why I posted this. I am at a loss. Not sure if this is not a concern, or something I should legitimately consider.
Author Fondue Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 How old is she and does she live on own? 23yo and no. She did before, but moved back in. For reference, I'll be 27 next month and yes, I live solo.
Joaquin Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 http://m.youtube.com/?#/watch?v=Ryoq3Rv97tg Reminds me a bit of this.
Els Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I think the biggest problem is their prejudice - which is fairly common amongst traditional folks, both Caucasian and Asian. Not liking your looks is merely a symptom. Can you live with the former? Didn't you know it was going to be like that? You stated quite blankly in your OP that you find them racist, so how is this only a problem now that your looks are being discussed?
jay1983 Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 They want their daughter to date within her race obviously. They sound very traditional Chinese. Some call this racist, but really it's just what they believe in, it's their choice to feel that way. So yes it's a cultural thing. Not sure if you are thinking of marrying this girl, but you have to consider that when you marry, you marry into her family, they come as a package deal. I would never marry someone that has a family that doesn't approve of me. No one needs that kind of tension, especially when children enter the picture. You don't want to expose them to a family that detests you. A very high percentage of asians in my part of town, date within their race. People are usually attracted to their own kind, or something similar to their own. Asians look very different from other races, not in a bad way, but they have very different features. Also I wouldn't marry someone who's family didn't approve of me. 1
SammySammy Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 23yo and no. She did before, but moved back in. For reference, I'll be 27 next month and yes, I live solo. Hmmm. I don't know, brother. Her parents opinion could have no effect or it could spell doom for your relationship. I wouldn't have a problem with you continuing to date her to see how it goes if that's what you want to do. Things may work out for you two. If the opportunity to meet her parents arises, I wouldn't avoid them. Go ahead and meet them. Be yourself. Who knows, they might just learn to appreciate you for who you are.
Author Fondue Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 I think the biggest problem is their prejudice - which is fairly common amongst traditional folks, both Caucasian and Asian. Not liking your looks is merely a symptom. Can you live with the former? Didn't you know it was going to be like that? You stated quite blankly in your OP that you find them racist, so how is this only a problem now that your looks are being discussed? I never met these people. All I have to go on is what my GF tells me. And she has stated on numerous occasions that her family is racist against non-Asians. I never tried to explore that subject more with her, but that's what she's told me. It just a bit odd to me. Considering I too, am a foreigner. Both our families migrated to America the same year. Mine is assimilated, all know English fluently, have friends of all races/religions/etc... Yet my GF's family is completely the opposite. I guess it just sucks, man. Maybe you're right-- Maybe her mom's feeling of me being unattractive isn't so much that, but just a part of her prejudice. I can see how you're right. Thanks for the insight. 1
Eivuwan Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Look, I am Chinese and my parents are similar, but they haven't been able to stop me from dating whoever I want and doing what I want for my career because I know how to assert myself and be independent. The problem isn't what her parents think, but that she cares too much about it. I don't think this is going to work out if she is the type of Chinese American who is still controlled by her parents. 1
bubbaganoosh Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 You know what? I didn't want to say it, but I definitely thought about this earlier today. We recently spoke about moving in together and moving to the west coast (she got into a top5 grad school there) in the fall, possibly, but this makes me not consider that option anymore because I don't think it is worth building this relationship further when I know I am simply not accepted. It seems fruitless. That's kinda why I posted this. I am at a loss. Not sure if this is not a concern, or something I should legitimately consider. Wait a minuet. if you two are thinking of moving in together and going out to the west coast, then you better know that if your girlfriend is that attached to her parents and she has to check in with them every time your out with her, how this is going to fly with her parents. Nice pipe dream but the girl isn't going to up and leave with a ugly guy (according to the parents) to the west coast without some real serious fall out with her family. She's under their thumbnail and I doubt this will happen. Now! The right thing to do and if it were me, I would tell your girlfriend that I find it very disrespectful that she will not introduce you to her family. How in the hell are they going to get to know you if all they see is pictures in her album. She met your family and after eight months of dating, you should have met them a long time ago. It's time and if she wont do it then I would tell her that your that ashamed of me then get lost and find a pretty guy to bring home to mumsy and daddy. By not doing this, she's not giving you a fair shake and if she has to hide you from them, she has issues.
Leigh 87 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 (edited) My exes family and friends thought I was ugly. No one else has ever thought of me as ugly since I have very nice straight teeth and nice skin and stuff. I was baffled. I could understand people not being attracted to me, sure, but to think I was unpleasant or offensive looking? They were imbeciles who were NOT attractive themselves! fair enough if they were super models themselves but man, they had no place telling me I was ugly. Just be civil to her parents, talk to them when you have to but don't see them unless it is necessary, such as at your wedding if you are to get married and special occasions. I try to avoid judgmental people like her parents at all costs, and only see them for the sake of my relationship. Edited March 26, 2014 by Leigh 87 1
Leigh 87 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 I never met these people. All I have to go on is what my GF tells me. And she has stated on numerous occasions that her family is racist against non-Asians. I never tried to explore that subject more with her, but that's what she's told me. It just a bit odd to me. Considering I too, am a foreigner. Both our families migrated to America the same year. Mine is assimilated, all know English fluently, have friends of all races/religions/etc... Yet my GF's family is completely the opposite. I guess it just sucks, man. Maybe you're right-- Maybe her mom's feeling of me being unattractive isn't so much that, but just a part of her prejudice. I can see how you're right. Thanks for the insight. Her parents are idiots. How dare they come into that country and hate on the people in it! People like her parents make me sick frankly, they should be on the first plane back to the OWN country. I am all for asylum seekers seeking out a safe refuge but it is just annoying the way some people live in a country where they dislike the people in it. It is baffling. 1
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