He told me he didn't for more than 4 years!

[jeninthebox]

So here's the thing....

 

My husband and I have been married for over 4 years now. When I found him, he seemed like the perfect guy, you know, the one that doesn't actually exist? He never talked about how other women are hot or even pretty to him in front of me and told me he never watches porn nor has any reason to. I am the type of person who is actually loyal to her husband. Honestly, I do not check out other guys- even guys on movies! I just saw other guys as other people around me. Nothing more. Ever.

 

I have asked him multiple times during out marriage how he supposedly doesn't ever watch porn or even touch himself. He has always told me he does not need it, do it, or watch it and that he hasn't since we have been married. I was so happy when he told me that. I felt like I was actually enough for my husband. That I satisfied him enough.

 

About a year ago I found a packet of porn hidden behind his desk in his office! I didn't know what it was at first so I opened it and found a DVD and photos of naked women in a ziplock bag...The exact same Ziplock bags I buy! When I confronted him about it he told me that he got it for free with a sexy outfit he bought me a long time ago and forgot it was back there and kept it in case I changed my mind and would be willing to watch porn with him. He told me that it came in that ziplock bag. Now I knew deep down that it had to be a lie but I am a strong believer in God and so is my husband and we were (at least I thought we were) very truthful about everything to each other so I told myself he couldn't be lying. He threw it away in front of me so I knew it was gone.

 

Well, for some strange reason out of nowhere a few weeks ago he decided to tell me that throughout our entire marriage he has been watching porn and that it is partly why we have had a ****ty marriage. We were always miserable. He said that he would watch it when I would go to sleep at night.

 

I know most women don't seem to have a problem with their husbands watching porn but I am one of the few that seriously has a problem with it. I know, most men will say they "need" it but I don't understand why my husband would need it when I have always been here, willing to "give" it to to him almost whenever he wanted.

 

It hurt me even more because he lied. I told him before we got married that I think if a man or woman watches porn while they are married, it is basically the same as cheating. He knew it would hurt me but he did it anyways. I tried to get him to have sex with me so many times but he rarely wanted it...Because of his porn. After I had our second child he didn't touch me for over 6 months even though I tried so hard to get him to want me again. I became depressed and he did not care. He was always in his office. Probably watching his porn. .

 

Well, after he told me this a few weeks ago I became seriously depressed. I was not able to eat and lost near 10 pounds. This was difficult for me because I am still breastfeeding our 11 month old baby so my milk supply was very low which made her really crabby and stressed me out more.

 

We discussed all of this and he said he would be better. That he wouldn't watch or look at porn again since he knows it is wrong and was destroying our marriage. He said he would hold me tight when we are laying or sitting near each other and would listen to me whenever I had something to talk about.

 

As far as I know he is not watching porn since we go to bed at the same time every night now and I don't sleep well (so I know he doesn't get up in the middle of the night) and he leaves his office door open all day. The issue now- he doesn't snuggle me tight nor does he listen to me. I told him I need to talk to someone about this but he will not allow me to tell friends or family as it would embarrass him. Earlier today he finally told me that I need to get over it when I tried to discuss some of my stressed feelings about this.

 

The hardest thing is that I love him so much and we have kids together so I can not leave him but how can I sit back and feel OK with the fact that he lied to me for over 4 years AND (in my mind) cheated on me? I often wonder if some things I do sexually will remind him of his porn and make him imagine all the fake women instead of me.

 

I told myself long ago that if I was cheated on there would be no second chances. I just want to leave but at the same time, I need him and I know it is not what God wants me to do.

 

Someone please, I need help getting over this! How do I let it go? How do I keep the images out of my head? How do I keep the hole in my stomach from reappearing and causing myself to become depressed again? It causes such a deep pain inside me and I have nobody to talk to.

 

It wouldn't be quite as bad if he complimented me every once in a while. He never says nice things about me or how I look, ever. I don't know why he is even still with me.

 

I keep a happy face on for my kids but when they go play in the other room the feelings start to come out again. It is not a very fun life to live.

 

I am sorry it is so long. This is the first time I have "said" anything about this to anyone! I tried to simplify it but there is so much to it. Thanks if you read to the end!

[pteromom]

It wouldn't be quite as bad if he complimented me every once in a while. He never says nice things about me or how I look, ever. I don't know why he is even still with me.

 

This is your real issue. You don't get what you need from your husband. You aren't loved the way that you want to be, and he doesn't give you physical intimacy of any kind. Rare sex, no holding, no complimenting.

 

Then, you find out he has enough energy to give to VIRTUAL girls... yeah, I can see how that would hurt.

 

Get ready, because there are a lot of people on this site with strong opinions about porn (on both sides).

 

The fact is though, you are entitled to your values, and you were very upfront about how important this is to you.

 

Did your husband ever share his values on porn? Does he agree with you that it is wrong (meaning his actions are not in line with his values), or does he see nothing wrong with it?

 

My suggestion to you is to focus on fixing the part of this marriage that YOU control - being honest about what you want. You want to feel loved. You want to be held. You want to be complimented. You want to be touched. Have you told him all that, rather than focusing on the porn?

[ebor]

The only solution for the images is time and new good memories but what you really need to worry about is the effort your husband puts and his willingness to work hard, because you have hard work ahead.

 

Rarely do you get a marriage that's great from the get go, and if you read most stories on forums like talkaboutmarriage (which I recommend) you can see that most people get stronger and better after facing great obstacles.

 

I believe you can get past this but your husband's work ethic is a big factor.

 

FYI I also believe porn is a big problem in marriages, it kills sex drive, adds jealousy and just breaks the one on one thing....

 

Best of luck

[janedoe67]

These first 2 responses are excellent. Lots of people who don't understand your faith and values will say "get over it."

 

Bottom line, your husband knew it would hurt you, did it anyway, and lied. It's time for him to work and rebuild trust.

[todreaminblue]

Porn is a real addiction, it can destroy a marriage as surely as alcohol and other miscellaneous addictions would.....i think you would benefit from therapy ....you have faith in your marriage and guide your ways by god it seems.......maybe talking to your bishop or church official would help.....to get it out in the open and work on it.......i feel for you...i understand depression and the hole in the center of your being is one you have to fill.......the insecurities coming out are part of the depression(never feeling good enough, unsure of why he is with you, been here done that), you are breast feeding a young one....doesn't help depression but compounds your feelings of not coping in your marriage and guilt for not having enough milk for your bub......depression sucks.....

 

 

 

the human psyche is fragile but there is a contrast and that contrast is the ability for the human psyche to endure and heal....that i feel, is a gift from god for all of us....a balance if not a strength....a juxtaposition to help us make it...in marriage, love parenthood and life........you need a little guidance from someone who has your spiritual life at heart,which is what you hold so close and dear..what drives you maybe to endure..integral to you and your marriage..if not someone from your faith....maybe a neutral compassionate caring family therapist to work with both of you ....ps it wasnt too long your opening post...it was thoughtful and retrospective...........god bless and keep you well....hugs from me to you....deb

[Silly_Girl]

I know this is a huge deal to you, but - as you acknowledge - most people don't feel as you do about porn. I don't want you to make it out to be so massive, and evil, in your mind that thoughts and efforts become all about the porn and its effects, instead of your marriage and the issues you mention that clearly must hurt you very much.

 

I am glad your husband has opened up to you about this (especially as claiming not to masturbate for 4 years did seem a little unrealistic). He could have lied for ever. This is a very real opportunity you have now to improve your marriage to the best its ever been, which would be awesome.

 

My recommendation would be not to talk about or address the porn at all right now. But seek some couples counselling, or set aside a couple of chunks of time each week (one hour max) to talk about how you would each see your ideal marriage, and what you can do to get there. And sort out a regular date night, with no discussion, no plans to have sex, just some time to be yourselves and enjoy who each of you is.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Connecting porn as a root cause for the dissatisfaction or unhappiness/issues in your marriage would be like connecting taking showers everyday as the reason you're sad all of the time, so not taking showers should fix the problem that has nothing to do with the real issue...the only issue is, is that you don't like it for whatever personal/insecurity reasons you have, that's the real reason.

 

I've really never had porn be an issue in my relationships, I don't recall fighting about it or anyone being really upset about it, maybe a little jealous of it but my sex life or emotional well-being in a relationship is not based off the amount of porn I watch or even the fact that I watch it...therefore it's never really been impacted or taken an issue, I've never had less sex or no sex because of it. I've always watched porn, most men have, sometimes I never watch it for long periods of time, sometimes I watch it more..it's not something I spend a great deal of time thinking about or even care enough to and If I had issues in my relationship porn wouldn't be the thing that popped up in my head over the other obvious issues, It would by like me saying the fact that you wear make-up or wear perfume greatly impacts my ability to like have a healthy relationship, I'm taking issue with something that I feel justifies the way that I feel and that could be anything, you couldn't tell me I was wrong or wasn't allowed to feel that way according to this logic being presented here.

 

Of course porn for men can be a coping mechanism or an escape from real issues, but so can eating disorders, or an overbearing amount of policing due to a heightened level of insecurity, If I were to take issue with that, would I be allowed to make it all of a sudden about me and not you? do you see how that works? the core issue, or the causation is not porn itself, it's not the devil in disguise or something like that...it's not a temptation that needs to be avoided, it's perfectly healthy for men to like watching porn.

 

Now the core issues in this relationship are being neglected because of this taking the center stage as an issue, I realize it carries something of meaning to you, it's something you've gone so far to express and your husband making a promise that he could never fulfill as a man (because I'm sure he's also not allowed to eye any other women or look at them in "that way" either) and actually was stupid enough to say that he'd never watch it or need it...i mean of course, that's what every woman would like or love to hear but the reality is he was going to watch it again, especially when it's off limits now and this forbidden thing like it's so dangerous or evil.

 

And that might be something your husband is doing to express his dissatisfaction in this relationship, he clearly seems to be emotionally checked out of this relationship, why that is not the main focus I'll never understand, I have no idea why porn takes precedence over something like that...on top of the fact you don't feel desired by him anymore either, that's the main issue there, there is some problem with his attraction and desire for you.

 

But unfortunately, religion likes to cloud real life issues and come up with this mythical way of resolving real life problems that normal people have. It turns things into something they aren't, in the hopes of being able to resolve them through those channels "faith"...but what you're basically asking for is to demonize porn, blame that for your real issues in your relationship, your husband to essentially suck it up and dismiss this evil entity of porn like you want him to, so that you don't have to blame him or put any responsibility on him, you enter the "devil" as the middle man so he takes the blame even though it's your husband and some very normal and genuine feelings, then you leave it into "gods hands" so that you never really have to do anything about it and he'll just magically fix everything and you're husband way play along and play the part, pretending everything is ok under the guilt and burden of his faith and how others would view him and you'll both just move on denying the actual reality.

 

I'm not saying porn can't be a real issue for some men, I think addictions are addictions...however the source of these addictions are typically emotional and psychological, therefore attacking the substance, you're really just overlooking the real problem...and it doesn't matter what it is, alcohol, food, drugs, sex, etc...the product of what someones chooses to cope with their issues is not what's important.

 

The point is, I see a lot of women make porn to big this catastrophic issue they can't accept....when it's not even the true source of their relationship issues, chances are these are just regular guys, I don't think all these men are essentially porn addicts and it's some epidemic problem sweeping the nation and corrupting the minds of men as if they ever needed porn to do that and would magically stop or change without it.

[AntiSocal]

Grow up. This isn't a problem with your husband its a problem with you. Hes a weak little liar. But it sounds like he lies out of fear of losing you, not out of malice.

 

You on the other hand? You have serious insecurity issues and warped expectations. Most men watch porn. Most who are getting sex don't watch it regularly, but we still watch it. Hell sometimes i watch porn with girls i'm seeing to expedite the foreplay process. Get over the porn things.

 

And get over your insecurities. You don't even look at another man? Not even on tv? Thats not truth speaking, that is insecurity. You are insecure and can't stand the thought of your husband even noticing another person. So you claim to not notice other people. But that isn't the truth. Everybody notices the opposite sex, everybody admires, its part of our DNA.

 

You think that these extremes will keep your husband faithful and you happy. But it won't. You are lying to yourself and encouraging your husband to lie to you. Be HONEST with yourself. Learn to build trust in honesty and loyalty. Not in trying to chain each other up from the outside world and make sure neither of you even look at someone of the opposite sex. Thats just not realistic. And at the rate you are going you'll end up divorced.

 

You sound really naive to be married in the first place. Maybe you need to think about if you're really readyy for this. You need to love yourself and demolish your insecurities before you are ready to love a man.

[jeninthebox]

Thanks to all for your responses…

 

 

My husband told me he knew porn was not helping our marriage. He told me that our marriage was already pretty rough when he started watching it again but he knew it was making things worse. He also told me he felt really bad after he would watch it. He knew it would hurt me and he knew it was a sin to lust after other women.

 

 

I actually rarely ever talk about the porn anymore (even though he told me we could talk about any thoughts I have whenever I feel insecure about it).

Actually about three days ago I told him that I noticed him pulling away from me again and that he isn’t talking with me/listening to me as much and that I wanted to get back to that again. Want to know what he told me? “Get over it.” Yes, I am insecure but when you have serious anxiety (had Selective Mutism as a child), mixed with a stretch mark covered body that your own husband won’t find a single compliment to say about, it hurts. I am sure most of you wouldn’t understand but I told myself I didn’t need a man to be happy before I found my husband and I was seriously ready to be alone forever and was just fine with it. You can probably see why I would be upset that I allowed myself to change my original plan just to get treated like an idiot around the one who is supposed to care. He often scoffs at silly questions I ask just for conversation and makes it seem like I am wasting his precious time talking about odd things during a commercial he isn’t even watching. He tells me that I talk about stupid things and yet when I do not talk he gets mad that I am not talking and says I am giving him the silent treatment.

 

My hardest thing is…I am a woman with a mess of feelings in my head that I have no idea what to do with. I wanted to seek counseling but he told me that I am too weak for it and that they would just manipulate my mind and make me turn on him and he refuses to do couples counseling. I want to tell someone I know to have real human conversation about this, but he told me I can’t do that either (unless I want him to unleash Hell) since he doesn’t want to look bad. It is also for that reason I cannot go to my minister (trust me, I so badly want to!!).

 

I don’t want anyone to think I am ungrateful that he told me he did that for four years; I am so thankful that he was able to tell me that. I know it was hard for him, though I do wish he told me to my face and not through an email…

 

 

Ninjainpajamas- He told me that it was effecting our marriage and our sex life. Until he told me about it, he would rather watch his porn than have sex with me, a real person. It isn’t even that our bedroom life is boring- I do nearly everything he asks!! He was just so turned off by me because of our fights that he turned to porn to take his mind off of it all. About the whole, he can’t look at another woman thing- I could care less if he looks at a woman! I just don’t want him giving a virtual woman something he won’t give me . He craved those women and left me alone night after night. That is why it feels like he was cheating. He wanted other women and got off from them. I told him BEFORE we got serious about how I felt about porn; he had every chance in the world to leave me if he knew he wouldn’t be willing to give it up (Hell, he told me he hates cats and that we will NEVER have a cat even though I love them and we aren’t getting a cat. I knew that before we got married. I could have left if I hated the idea enough). He told me before we got married when we originally discussed porn that he knew it was a sin to watch and that he would not need such things in a marriage. He made it seem like he could live without it because he knew it was wrong (in God’s eyes) and that he would have a wife to help him in that department.

 

Antisocal- You say you think he fears he will lose me? My husband belittles me. He is mean and manipulative to me. He calls me names and makes me feel like the worst wife/person ever. The ONLY reasons I feel he would want me around is for our children’s sakes and so he has someone to feel like they are under him. He wants to feel like he has the power over me. He does not make me feel like he loves me even a little bit. He won’t leave me because it is a sin and he knows his father would have his head.

No, I am not lying about not looking at other men. I 100% can watch a movie without thinking a man is attractive or sexy.

Yes, as I said, I am insecure. I do not want to blame all of it on my anxiety because it is not. I honestly have not received a compliment from my husband for months. I still remember the last one he said to me (and it wasn’t about my looks). He said, “Actually, you don’t learn as quickly as most people, but you are smart”.

 

 

 

I am a stay at home mom (and loving it) but not getting a single compliment about my body even when we have sex or after we have sex or just around the house, hurts an already super insecure person. When that same person never takes me seriously, it hurts too. Whenever I find a problem or I worry about something the only response I get is, “Get over it.”

 

 

 

As I said earlier, I do not care if he looks at other women, and I have told him that. He never talks about attractive people on movies because he feels like it would hurt me. At this point, yes it would since he isn’t even complimenting me but whatever. His excuse to me last night for why he doesn’t compliment me: “I have been so distracted with stuff that I don’t think to tell you that you look nice”. We are alone for 4 hours each night NOT working but somehow it doesn’t come to his mind to say anything about how I look to me.

 

Take it as you want but the only love that I feel in this house is from God and my children. I guess I will suck it up and accept it as it is. At least I have someone.

[man_in_the_box]

Wow... I think porn is by far not the most severe issue in your marriage at the moment. You'll never get really rid of a porn problem if both partners are not actively on the same line to work on it. But you are much further away from eachother than that.

 

Not that I'm downplaying the effect of porn - it really does sound like a problem. But IMO you are not going to resolve the porn problem without addressing a multitude of serious problems your husband appears to have.

 

First and most glaring: your husband is keeping you a ****ing prisoner in your own marriage to save his own face. That's really twisted!

[pteromom]

Want to know what he told me? “Get over it.”

 

He often scoffs at silly questions I ask just for conversation and makes it seem like I am wasting his precious time talking about odd things during a commercial he isn’t even watching.

 

He tells me that I talk about stupid things and yet when I do not talk he gets mad that I am not talking and says I am giving him the silent treatment.

 

he told me that I am too weak for it and that they would just manipulate my mind and make me turn on him

 

he refuses to do couples counseling.

 

he told me I can’t do that either (unless I want him to unleash Hell) since he doesn’t want to look bad.

 

he would rather watch his porn than have sex with me, a real person.

 

he told me he hates cats and that we will NEVER have a cat even though I love them and we aren’t getting a cat.

 

My husband belittles me. He is mean and manipulative to me.

 

He calls me names

 

He does not make me feel like he loves me even a little bit.

 

I honestly have not received a compliment from my husband for months. I still remember the last one he said to me (and it wasn’t about my looks). He said, “Actually, you don’t learn as quickly as most people, but you are smart”.

 

Whenever I find a problem or I worry about something the only response I get is, “Get over it.”

 

When you read all this together, how does this make you feel?

 

Your anxiety and insecurity may be an issue, but it isn't THE issue. THE issue is that your husband is inconsiderate and cruel. I'd even go as far as to say he's emotionally abusive.

 

Look up the "Power and Control Wheel" on Google and see how much of it applies to your marriage.

 

I guess I will suck it up and accept it as it is. At least I have someone.

 

Really?!?!?! Having someone mean, neglectful, and selfish is better than being alone?

 

If you want to seek counseling, SEEK COUNSELING. He is free to think you are "weak" if he wants to... but what he's really scared of is someone waking you up. He wants you right where he has you - feeling dumb and ugly and worthless so you will take what he gives and be a good little wife.

 

If you want to talk to your minister, DO IT. It may be scary, but it will all turn out ok. If your husband is capable of being a nice person, he needs a major wake-up call, and if he isn't, YOU do.

 

You only have one life. Is this the life you want? If not, you need to stand up and go get it.

[ebor]

I just want to comment that sucking it up is not the right people have come from much worse and had a great marriage.

 

If someone was constantly belittling and verbally abusing me I would also have low self confidence and anxiety issues, don't be hard on yourself.

[SammySammy]

Wow... I think porn is by far not the most severe issue in your marriage at the moment. You'll never get really rid of a porn problem if both partners are not actively on the same line to work on it. But you are much further away from eachother than that.

 

Not that I'm downplaying the effect of porn - it really does sound like a problem. But IMO you are not going to resolve the porn problem without addressing a multitude of serious problems your husband appears to have.

 

First and most glaring: your husband is keeping you a ****ing prisoner in your own marriage to save his own face. That's really twisted!

 

I think you're right.

 

However, she's not the first poster to believe porn was source of their problems when their relationship obviously had much larger issues.

[janedoe67]

When you read all this together, how does this make you feel?

 

Your anxiety and insecurity may be an issue, but it isn't THE issue. THE issue is that your husband is inconsiderate and cruel. I'd even go as far as to say he's emotionally abusive.

 

Look up the "Power and Control Wheel" on Google and see how much of it applies to your marriage.

 

 

 

Really?!?!?! Having someone mean, neglectful, and selfish is better than being alone?

 

If you want to seek counseling, SEEK COUNSELING. He is free to think you are "weak" if he wants to... but what he's really scared of is someone waking you up. He wants you right where he has you - feeling dumb and ugly and worthless so you will take what he gives and be a good little wife.

 

If you want to talk to your minister, DO IT. It may be scary, but it will all turn out ok. If your husband is capable of being a nice person, he needs a major wake-up call, and if he isn't, YOU do.

 

You only have one life. Is this the life you want? If not, you need to stand up and go get it.

 

The two words that come to mind when I read the things your H has been saying and doing are:

 

Abusive and controlling. And I am not one of those "abuse under every rock" PC people. This kind of abuse and control, sadly, is common among certain permutations of religion (Christianity, if you can call it that).

 

Please get some help and support.

[pteromom]

I think you're right.

 

However, she's not the first poster to believe porn was source of their problems when their relationship obviously had much larger issues.

 

I don't think she believes porn is the source of her problems. I just think it is something CONCRETE she can hang blame on.

 

When you are emotionally abused, like I believe this poster is, you doubt everything you are feeling. If he's being mean, it must be because I did something stupid. If he doesn't want me, it must be because I am ugly and have stretch marks. If he thinks I am too weak for counseling, it must be true. If he calls me names, it must be because I am a bad wife.

 

You never know if he's really being mean, or if he's right. You walk around doubting yourself and thinking you must be over-analyzing or being "too sensitive".

 

But PORN. PORN is something factual. It's something they talked about before marriage. It's something they agreed on being bad. It's something he's agreed is wrong. It's something he's agreed he's actually done.

 

So focusing on that is easy. There's no questioning involved. It's black and white; right and wrong (according to the definitions agreed on for their marriage.)

 

That's why she's focusing on the porn.

 

Anyone who just wants to get into the same old tired "porn is evil/porn is normal" debate should step away from this thread, because that isn't what this is about AT ALL.