applesauce Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I've been dating a guy for 2-3 months, and he's been nothing but respectful, conscientious, and supportive. We have been talking about taking a trip to another state together for Easter weekend, since we've both wanted to go. We had talked about splitting the costs 50/50. We looked up bus tickets and hotel prices but haven't booked anything yet because he's a bit short on money. He's been unemployed for about a month, but I don't mind because I see that he's working really hard to find another job, and he has some savings to make things work in the meantime. He's said he really wants to go on this trip but he just has to see about the money. This week, he casually let me know that he's looking for tickets to a music festival this weekend. These tickets are about as expensive as the bus tickets would be for our trip. He asked if I wanted to go with him, but I said no since I'm trying to save money. I'm a bit disappointed because I've been saving for the trip, and it appears he has enough money for it but would rather spend it on this concert than on the trip. I know that we didn't officially schedule the trip, but I thought that was because of the money issue (which is totally understandable). However, if he's spending the same amount of money on something else out of the blue, I feel like he's let me down and that I can't count on him for things. I want to bring this up to him, but I'm not sure how. Should I just let him know that I'm a bit disappointed, or should I say that I feel like he's choosing this concert over me? I honestly do feel that way, but I don't know if that's really fair. What do you all think?
ExpatInItaly Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Has he actually told you the trip is canceled? If not, ask him about it. It's not clear from your post whether he used that trip money for the concert, or whether he's got more money saved for that purpose. I gather the bus ticket and concert ticket are the same price, but he may just not be able to put up the extra costs for hotels, food, etc. that the trip would entail. If that's the case, he should just let you know so you don't get your hopes up.
d0nnivain Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Money is the downfall of many relationships. I would gently bring up your disappointment However I would also rather find out now, early (only 2-3 months in) that you have incompatible views on money. That's a horrible thing to learn later & a devastating thing to ignore then have it bite you in marriage.
pteromom Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Actually, if he is unemployed and saving money for a concert OR a trip, that is already showing poor judgment (unless he still lives with his parents or something). So further poor judgment shouldn't be too surprising. Bring it up by saying "I thought we were saving money for this trip, and you are using yours for this concert. What's the deal with that?" See what he says. DON'T say he is choosing the concert over you. That will just make him defensive.
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Did he clearly state "I can't do the bus trip bz i'm low on money" and then start looking for concert tickets soon after?
smackie9 Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 (edited) Get used to it hun because it will be like this when you get married. Sometime you have to give a little before you take. My husband planned a trip with my brother to a famous car auction. He later realized it was during out anniversary. I knew how excited he was about so I wasn't about to get in his way, I told him to go and have fun and he did. I was happy for him to have the experience because he has never been before. So now I will say this...it's not going to be always about YOU. Being is a relationship for the long haul you learn to make sacrifices. The concert is still cheaper because there is accommodations, spending money, dinning out to consider during a trip. Go to that concert with him, and make him happy this time. Edited March 25, 2014 by smackie9 1
Author applesauce Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 Thanks for the advice everyone! You all bring up a good point: he didn't specifically say he couldn't do the trip. I just assumed because he's still unemployed, and when we had talked about the trip before, he'd said things along the lines of: "I definitely want to go, I just have to see about money and if I get a job soon." He's in the process of moving back with his parents (temporarily while he's unemployed), so its possible he may have saved/gotten money from them. Its also true that there's extra costs with the trip over the concert, so I shouldn't compare them apples-to-apples. Its also not like I'm mad or anything, just a little disappointed. I also don't want him to get defensive, so I'll definitely just focus on my feelings about this and not make this about "choosing such-and-such over me." You can't argue with feelings. d0nnivain, I really like what you said about money. I try not to bring up money, because we split everything 50/50, just as I like it, and otherwise I feel like its not my business what else he spends it on. However, it has been worrying me, especially since I seem much more financially stable and independent despite being younger. If it worries me, I should be able to tell him that. I will ask up-front if we're still going on the trip. If he says no, I'll say I'm disappointed and wished that he'd told me earlier. I'll say that I thought we were saving money for the trip, and I'm disappointed that it turns out he's using his money for this concert. Either way, I'll also say that I don't want to butt into his finances, but that I do worry if its going to be a problem for us to do things together. Also, I may end up going to the concert too, because it does sound fun, it just took me by surprise given our previous conversations. We obviously can't always be on the same page about everything, but that why we have to talk! Thanks again! I feel much better about this
Els Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 I want to bring this up to him, but I'm not sure how. Should I just let him know that I'm a bit disappointed, or should I say that I feel like he's choosing this concert over me? I honestly do feel that way, but I don't know if that's really fair. What do you all think? I wouldn't put it quite in that manner; don't extrapolate him choosing the music festival as 'choosing it over you'. Your latest post: I'll say that I thought we were saving money for the trip, and I'm disappointed that it turns out he's using his money for this concert. Is a much better idea.
Standard-Fare Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 It would be one thing if he hadn't invited you the music festival. But he did. Let's just assume he genuinely wanted you to join and that wasn't an empty offer. In his mind, this festival probably serves as a perfectly fine (if not more fun?) alternative to the trip you'd been planning. I imagine he felt he had to jump at buying the tickets. But yes, he could have handled things better. He should have directly acknowledged that buying those tickets wiped out the possibility of the trip you'd been talking about, and he should have apologized. I think you should be straight with him and tell him you're disappointed that he gave no thought to derailing those plans. Not in a "let's make this a big point of tension" way, just make your point then move on. It's forgivable if everything else about him seems cool.
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