HappyendGirl Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 So i've been seeing this guy for about two years.He told me that he is a commitmentphobe and he distances him self and he knows that's not good.Throughout this whole relationship i felt like a stranger to him.He never let me into his life,never shared stuff with me didn't even bother to have convos with me about the things he likes and never bothered to find out things about me.He would always be distant.He did once tell me that he does have feelings for me but he thinks hes in denial.Like he'd talk to everyone ,be open with everyone but me and it would really hurt me.I always thought something was wrong with me.What did i do wrong to desereve to be treated like this?I showed him UNCONDITIONAL love.I also made the mistake of buying him stuff for his birthdays and he never bought things for me.He broke up with me 4 times throughout the relationship and ALWAYS came back saying he's sorry but then he'd get distant again after a few days.Once I told him all my feelings for him and that I'm in love with him,etc....and he broke up with me afterwards!Said we will never be together ever and that i should move on and that he tried to love me but he doesn't and we gotta stop talking.Then he comes back 2 months later and says he cant not miss me and he's sorry and he doesnt know what to do.The recent break up was after I bought him an expensive gift,he said he loves me but hes not in love with me and he will never love me that way and his heart was broken many times.And he removed me from fb and didn't contact me after that and didnt even wish me a happy bday.We didnt talk for 2 months.After that i saw through his fb that he started talking to someone else and this girl posts on his fb and he responds and actually communicates and he never done that with me!He always avoided gettting close to me and would never be as funny as he is with other people and this girl.So two days ago i messaged him cause i started to miss him and i said "i want us to be friends,i dont wanna be on bad terms with you.Dont worry about feelings because i started seeing someone,i moved on and it feels great."All he said was thats great!Lets slowly be friends"then i responded with ok great! and a few hours after that he messages again and says "im so happy for you.is he being nice to you?and i responded and said" yes,pretty nice.Hope you're doing well. and he responded and said thats good.i am doing well.take care....and that was it.It really hurt :(He doesnt care about me.Guys why is he all open and with this new girl and why did he treat me so awfully when i treated him only in the best of ways and he even told me that i'm the perfect woman and we never got into fights,everything was always perfect!I just feel like i was abused. ((((((((((((
Zahara Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 OP, you abused yourself. You tried to buy his affection with gifts and what not even when you knew he wasn't giving you what you needed. Just because you give, it doesn't mean people are obligated to give back and when they don't, you need to stop giving because you're hoping that if they see how nice and sweet you are, they might just love you back. He couldn't emotionally attach to you for his own reasons. Maybe he wasn't into you. Maybe he's afraid of intimacy, therefore can just as soon be open to those that don't require much of him emotionally, but can't with you because you have expectations. Or he could just be a jerk and kept you around for whatever benefits he could get from you. It doesn't matter how he treats this new girl. Chances are she'll get her share if he's emotionally stunted. Start working on yourself and why you allow yourself to be in situations that damage your self-esteem and build a boundary system that protects you from these situations. 2
Author HappyendGirl Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 OP, you abused yourself. You tried to buy his affection with gifts and what not even when you knew he wasn't giving you what you needed. Just because you give, it doesn't mean people are obligated to give back and when they don't, you need to stop giving because you're hoping that if they see how nice and sweet you are, they might just love you back. He couldn't emotionally attach to you for his own reasons. Maybe he wasn't into you. Maybe he's afraid of intimacy, therefore can just as soon be open to those that don't require much of him emotionally, but can't with you because you have expectations. Or he could just be a jerk and kept you around for whatever benefits he could get from you. It doesn't matter how he treats this new girl. Chances are she'll get her share if he's emotionally stunted. Start working on yourself and why you allow yourself to be in situations that damage your self-esteem and build a boundary system that protects you from these situations. You're so right.Thank You!
jphcbpa Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I would recommend the book, "He's Scared, She's Scared" 1
Zahara Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 You're so right.Thank You! Aww honey, please don't be sad . Use this as your opportunity to focus on yourself. Sometimes we need a big hard kick up the bum to make us shift focus from external to internal. It's very clear that you have disregarded your feelings, needs and wants to appease this man. And even worse, you did it without receiving much or anything in return. I am sure you were screaming inside yourself that this was so wrong for you. I am sure you saw all the red flags. I am sure deep down inside you knew this wasn't how it was supposed to be. I am sure you knew deep down inside that to be loved and cared for was much different from what he was giving you. As sad and broken as you are, get up and dust yourself off and use this as a catapult to get you moving into a different direction. You have to do this for yourself because you don't want to repeat the same mistakes, and if you want that solid, healthy relationship, you'll LOVE YOURSELF enough to want to do it for YOU. We all make mistakes and trust me I've chased the men that made me feel like something under their shoe. It hurts to not be loved, validated or accepted. But it's going to be better, I promise. It would be best for you to stay away from men and use as much time as you can to strengthen your self-esteem and your boundary system. You owe it to yourself. 2
Never Again Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 OP, you abused yourself. You tried to buy his affection with gifts and what not even when you knew he wasn't giving you what you needed. Just because you give, it doesn't mean people are obligated to give back and when they don't, you need to stop giving because you're hoping that if they see how nice and sweet you are, they might just love you back. He couldn't emotionally attach to you for his own reasons. Maybe he wasn't into you. Maybe he's afraid of intimacy, therefore can just as soon be open to those that don't require much of him emotionally, but can't with you because you have expectations. Or he could just be a jerk and kept you around for whatever benefits he could get from you. It doesn't matter how he treats this new girl. Chances are she'll get her share if he's emotionally stunted. Start working on yourself and why you allow yourself to be in situations that damage your self-esteem and build a boundary system that protects you from these situations. As a man that was horribly intimacy-phobic for some time, I cannot tell you how important the bolded parts of Zahara's post are. You need to determine what you need, at minimum, from a relationship. You should never, ever waiver on these needs (especially if they are emotional needs), and you MUST speak up immediately the moment you feel yourself becoming unsatisfied because you're left wanting. If things don't improve after you've communicated, then you've got to cut the chord yourself. I hate the rubbish of "men leading relationships" or "being a challenge" because many use it as an excuse to pursue their own wants while their significant others chase behind them, hoping to have their needs addressed someday. Demand to walk by his side or not at all. Anything else is being a doormat. Stand firm on what you need. You may still lose the guy, but he'll respect you and you'll respect yourself. 3
Author HappyendGirl Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 Thanks for the advice guys!!!!!!You're all right!!!!!!! I hope ill be able to get through this.It really hurts when someone leaves you for no reason and then starts seeing someone else cause you start blaming yourself and feeling you're not good enough
Omei Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 But you are good enough, you sound like someone who really tries to put in the extra in a relationship by being sweet with gifts etc, someone out there will see how special it is that you go above and beyond your call of duty in a relationship and appreciate that very much and hopefully return it. Next time when your with someone and they are not returning your generosity in some form, doesn't always have to be money but in a form if you get what I mean if they arnt stop completely and dont start up again until its brought up.
robbysurfs Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 First off, on a positive note you probably taught him something and maybe it was to be more open. Secondly, what his life looks like on the outside can be very deceiving on how he is really on the inside. You dont really know whats going on with him no one does "to each is own".Thirdly, peoples rejection is g-ds protection in my experience. Maybe take sometime to get happy with you. If you need to build some self esteem do some estimable acts like volunteer,get a hobby,exercise,and maybe help a stranger. So the next "great guy" that comes along you wont have to people please and you can take him or leave him. Why? Because your good, your happy with you... be well and good luck.
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