Hello_is_it_me Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 OP doesn't get the basic understanding of attraction and interest. I already told him this multiple times. Agree. I tried to break it down to him in the simplest ways possible but I just feel it's not getting through.
jay1983 Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Agree. I tried to break it down to him in the simplest ways possible but I just feel it's not getting through. Cause had a good date with a kiss or 2. That would F with my head too.
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 The friend's fiance reinforcing his actions also doesn't help.
Author drg2365 Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 (edited) Want an update? This situation is getting laughably confusing. So I was on the phone with my friend talking basketball, told him about this girl mostly just as a story (he is 'good' with girls) and had some interesting commentary. Basically he said she seemed legitimately interested and that text shouldn't have been so bad. She was contacting you during a busy week for her. Watch those texts though, it can be bad, but since it wasn't overtly sexual and you did not use any labels (like baby, etc) its her loss. But you never know. I would text her just for gigs. Anything other than an quick, enthusiastic response will mean she's done. Then get right to right to the point and ask her out again. Anything other than a quick, enthusiastic response to that means she is using you for attention. The period between a few dates and being exclusive you never know with girls. See what happens, if she views you as boyfriend material she might want to be pursued, I've experienced it before when they want to find out if your clingy or not interested. You didn't blow up her phone after she didn't text you back, so you are not clinging to her at all. I'm actually curious dude and you have 0 to lose. He brought up a good point in my opinion, and made me actually curious as well. Guess who responded immediately with enthusiasm with an apology for being out of contact for a few days? Guess who responded immediately with enthusiasm for grabbing some dinner tomorrow in my neighborhood? I guess we're going out and my friend was at least a little right. Edited March 27, 2014 by drg2365 1
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Want an update? This situation is getting laughably confusing. So I was on the phone with my friend talking basketball, told him about this girl mostly just as a story (he is 'good' with girls) and had some interesting commentary. Basically he said she seemed legitimately interested and that text shouldn't have been so bad. She was contacting you during a busy week for her. Watch those texts though, it can be bad, but since it wasn't overtly sexual and you did not use any labels (like baby, etc) its her loss. But you never know. I would text her just for gigs. Anything other than an quick, enthusiastic response will mean she's done. Then get right to right to the point and ask her out again. Anything other than a quick, enthusiastic response to that means she is using you for attention. The period between a few dates and being exclusive you never know with girls. See what happens, if she views you as boyfriend material she might want to be pursued, I've experienced it before when they want to find out if your clingy or not interested. You didn't blow up her phone after she didn't text you back, so you are not clinging to her at all. I'm actually curious dude and you have 0 to lose. He brought up a good point in my opinion, and made me actually curious as well. Guess who responded immediately with enthusiasm with an apology for being out of contact for a few days? Guess who responded immediately with enthusiasm for grabbing some dinner tomorrow in my neighborhood? I guess we're going out and my friend was at least a little right. Well this is good news! So dinner is going down tomorrow? Let us know how it goes!
GemmaUK Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 *likes* Good luck drg! He is a good friend to have around. I like his thinking!
Gaeta Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Want an update? I guess we're going out and my friend was at least a little right. Happy !!! looking forward to that update!
Author drg2365 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 (edited) Well this is good news! So dinner is going down tomorrow? Let us know how it goes! *likes* Good luck drg! He is a good friend to have around. I like his thinking! Happy !!! looking forward to that update! Aww thanks guys. I guess all of the confusion has to due partly due to the game itself and the game of OLD. But as a question for the (still potential) date. When and how is it appropriate to advance the bf/gf thing. I like her she is super nice to me when we've been out. She did sort of guard herself against 'coming over' to my place because she is coming to my neighborhood where the restaurant is. Which is totally fine but makes me wonder at what speed to go at... Edited March 28, 2014 by drg2365
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Aww thanks guys. I guess all of the confusion has to due partly due to the game itself and the game of OLD. But as a question for the (still potential) date. When and how is it appropriate to advance the bf/gf thing. I like her she is super nice to me when we've been out. She did sort of guard herself against 'coming over' to my place because she is coming to my neighborhood where the restaurant is. Which is totally fine but makes me wonder at what speed to go at... So this'll be 4th date, correct? Well everybody moves at their own pace so there's no definite answer to that. Though I would just try to keep it natural. Be yourself. Be comfortable. Read her for signs that she's attracted and respond accordingly. I will say though - you are at the 4th date. This is kind of a make-it-or-break-it point when it comes to separating yourself from being a potential love interest vs. being friendzoned. You need to keep the sexual tension/interest going. Initiate touch. And go for kisses.
Author drg2365 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 (edited) So this'll be 4th date, correct? Well everybody moves at their own pace so there's no definite answer to that. Though I would just try to keep it natural. Be yourself. Be comfortable. Read her for signs that she's attracted and respond accordingly. I will say though - you are at the 4th date. This is kind of a make-it-or-break-it point when it comes to separating yourself from being a potential love interest vs. being friendzoned. You need to keep the sexual tension/interest going. Initiate touch. And go for kisses. Yes it will be date #4. I know it is make or break. I thought date #3 was, but as my friend (who is no wizard, but understands dating) at least semi-correctly assumed 'a fair percentage of girls can get kind of weird after a few dates that go well, After a few dates that go well in a row the next one might not happen super fast. The fact you even heard back from her after kissing her is huge, not huge in a sense of how basic a kiss is, but how big it is between the two of you, if she thought 'eh' she would have never, ever talked to you again.' So that part is good. But I'll try to be as flirty as reasonably possible, like I said she pre-guarded herself about the idea spending the night. Totally cool, I didn't bring that up. But its clear that the pace is hard to determine. All three previous dates everytime got more physical (hug, hug and kiss on cheek, several 'real kisses') Edited March 28, 2014 by drg2365
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Yes it will be date #4. I know it is make or break. I thought date #3 was, but as my friend (who is no wizard, but understands dating) at least semi-correctly assumed 'a fair percentage of girls can get kind of weird after a few dates that go well, After a few dates that go well in a row the next one might not happen super fast. The fact you even heard back from her after kissing her is huge, not huge in a sense of how basic a kiss is, but how big it is between the two of you, if she thought 'eh' she would have never, ever talked to you again.' So that part is good. But I'll try to be as flirty as reasonably possible, like I said she pre-guarded herself about the idea spending the night. Totally cool, I didn't bring that up. But its clear that the pace is hard to determine. All three previous dates everytime got more physical (hug, hug and kiss on cheek, several 'real kisses') Yep, it is a good sign that your going out again after a real kiss. And I would make a POINT to hug her and give a little hello kiss her on the lips when you first meet up. SET THE TONE
GemmaUK Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 I agree, kiss on the lips when you see her, hold hands. Make sure you remember to lightly touch her arm while you are talking to her. (seeing as you are planning on being flirty). Light touches are a really powerful tool to express that you are attracted to someone. She has already expressed she doesn't want to go to your place so don't even ask her on the night. Respect that she doesn't want to just yet. A hot thing to do if the flirting etc is going well is while you're walking hand in hand pull her to one side put your arms around her and kiss her. Things like that just because you want to are great! I don't and never have gone with the # of dates rule I don't have a set rule but usually and thinking back it's around 8 to 10 dates before I would be happy getting intimate with someone. I want to get to know a man before I go there. (you guys are way younger than I am though and times have changed - 6 to 8 dates might be more appropriate but just let her get to know you - be a good man, not a bad guy or a nice guy, a good man!). After 2 or 3 dates with kissing and being tactile the guy will know that I'm interested in him for more than friendship but I respect a man who respects me by not pushing things. You can have plenty of fun with the kissing and being close - plus it builds the anticipation, attraction and trust too - and you want her to have all of that for whenever you do get intimate.
Author drg2365 Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 (edited) Happy !!! looking forward to that update! Well here is the update like promised. I the date went well. But how well for moving forward is still have no idea. We met at the restaurant. I saw her gave her a hug and kiss on the cheek. Should have been lips but that was how it flowed naturally. The conversation was great, I said she looked nice, complimented her necklace. Ate some good food, zig-zagged (played frogger pretty much) across the street for ice cream. Not ideal for hand holding. After that, we were gonna zig-zag back to our cars. But a train going by snarled traffic for the moment so I offered to walk around in a wooded neigborhood for a few minutes. The walk was fine, mostly just told stories to each other. I didn't hold her hand, it was kind of cold and her hands were going back in forth to her jacket pocket, folded, by her side, using hands for non verbal expression. I eventually got sick of looking but we were close. It was also kind of a hill with a city side walk so naturally we would be closer at times than others due to puddles, phone polls, cracks, w/e it was only about 15-20 minutes. Talked for a minute at our cars. I told her I had fun, she said she did too. Generally agreed to want to meet up again, said she needed to check her schedule. Was legitmately busy until Thursday at the earliest. Kissed her goodbye, it was a little bit better than our first few kisses at the game but I didn't slip tongue (she may have let me) or make out. It was definitely expected though, not like a 'first one' where you hope it works. It was a parking lot and people were all around, with people literally 3 feet from us right next to us. So I kept it brief. She is cute, I can make her laugh and smile. Kissed on both previous dates (kiss on cheek #2, a few kisses, #3, goodbye kiss on 4) held her hand on date 3, not this one (read above description), arm around during the game, we were never in that type of environment this time. She seems legitimately interested, I have survived this far, and did not get rejected. Told me her friends now want to go to a game together because they said 'that seemed interesting' so at least she had talked about it in a positive light to her girlfriends on their camping trip (generally a good sign) But I don't know how to seriously advance this. Ask her to be my gf? That would probably have to be in person. Wait until after we have a serious make out-sesh or more? Its been 4 dates and we haven't done that, but although haven't been in a very intimate place yet, she is also more passive/bookish, that may not be her thing. It started online? Mileage will vary. She is busy due to a tough grad school load, babysits for her close family friend, does do stuff (mostly with girls according to her). So those reasons could be much worse (as in no reasons at all) Last date was exactly 2 weeks ago. Thoughts? Sorry for the novel. Edited March 29, 2014 by drg2365
Author drg2365 Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 Bump, Any ideas? Our fourth date went well, but is she trying to be bf/gf?
topaMAXX Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I honestly think that you care way too much about this. In my experience, whenever I stressed out about a girl this much, it always went downhill. Just relax and be cool. It sounds to be like you need to be more edgy to prevent falling into the friendzone. Of course, I don't know you and I don't know her. This is just general advice. 1
Gottabestrong Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 But I don't know how to seriously advance this. Ask her to be my gf? . Gosh, no. That would be way too soon. Sounds like you had a good date, just keep doing what you are doing. Keep asking her out, try to see her 1-2 times a week and increase the intimacy. By that I mean make sure you kiss her on the lips when you say hello next time, and if you walk next to each other grab her hand, if she has her hands in her pockets put your arm around her. When on dates be flirty and talk about things you want to do in the future. Check in with her daily or every 1-2 days with a text. Ask her out the day after the date. Text her after the date saying you had a great time and you hope she got home safely. Court her! 1
Gaeta Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Ask her to be my gf? Noooooo, This relationship is developing way too slow to mention exclusivity at this time. Like previous posters suggested try to see her on regular basis. She told you she's booked up till Thursday so early next week invite her on your next date. I think it's time you take this a notch more personal and next date could be an invitation to try your cooking.....at your place. 1
Author drg2365 Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 I pretty much knew asking to b my gf, wouldn't be a good idea, just when things start moving slow, I get nervous. Gosh, no. That would be way too soon. Sounds like you had a good date, just keep doing what you are doing. Keep asking her out, try to see her 1-2 times a week and increase the intimacy. By that I mean make sure you kiss her on the lips when you say hello next time, and if you walk next to each other grab her hand, if she has her hands in her pockets put your arm around her. When on dates be flirty and talk about things you want to do in the future. Check in with her daily or every 1-2 days with a text. Ask her out the day after the date. Text her after the date saying you had a great time and you hope she got home safely. Court her! Not bad ideas, but the contact waxes and wanes and everyday might be too much. But, she is never more than a few days away from me, has initiated before after 2-4 days. And always responds, that's what gets me, and makes me seem she is interested. Noooooo, This relationship is developing way too slow to mention exclusivity at this time. Like previous posters suggested try to see her on regular basis. She told you she's booked up till Thursday so early next week invite her on your next date. I think it's time you take this a notch more personal and next date could be an invitation to try your cooking.....at your place. Yeah I know its bad a idea, but something I want to do, but a bad idea. Its my fault for being impatient. I like seeing her. I guess I'll check in every 2-3 days or so and see how her said thing she was doing that way went. Anyone else have anything worthwhile that developed super slowly? Or like this?
3ifbyair Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 It's going slowly because your overall tone lacks confidence. Too many compliments and undirected conversations. You need to take a short break, and think of how you'd communicate with her if you didn't care so much. 1
jaibon3 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I agree with what everyone's saying. I think your overall approach is lacking confidence. The problem is, a lot of guys are "nice guys" and then when something doesn't go right, they tend to revert and think that "if nice doesn't work, then ******* it is". It's not about being nice or mean, it's sort of about the way you present yourself. As a girl, and from experience, when a guy starts showing overeagerness, I have to step back. There have been times where I genuinely like a guy, because, he seems relaxed and as if he likes me too, but the second I show interest he becomes insane and puts all of his energy onto me, making it so I feel trapped. Because whenever a guy comes on too strongly it makes me feel like his happiness is in my hands, and I don't like that pressure. As for the current situation, I'm on the side of playing it cool. Don't attack her with compliments or invitations. Give her a time and a place, if she says yes cool, if she says no, see if it's a real no with a real excuse or a "too much" type no without a real excuse. I agree with the notion that if a girl really likes you, there's little you can do to screw it up, but you also have to have values and morals outside of the girl, because there is a reason she became interested in you in the first place, and it wasn't because you were interested in her. Lastly, just try not to pin your entire outlook on relationships on one girl. Everyone everywhere have been rejected for a number of reasons, and it is never because there is something wrong with you, it's just that particular person needs something else. But it doesn't mean you won't find someone. You've got to be okay whether or not a relationship works out, because then you really won't be so afraid of it not working out, and you won't be so stressed. Sorry it's so long! I literally joined to give some thoughts on this because a friend of mine just recently went through a similar thing.
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Yeah, man. You need to relaaaaaax. This over-analyzing stuff is gonna bite you in the ass in time! The asking her to be your gf thing is definitely a no-go. Waaaaay way way too soon for that. But the date sounds like it went great so congrats on that Keep up the good work and let things progress naturally! Don't be afraid to touch her.
Author drg2365 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 (edited) I knew asking the gf was not a good idea. I just needed to hear it from others. When things go super slow it gets really confusing. Like we went out on last Friday, didn't talk to her Sat/Sun, called her last night, in the tradition of generally calling after a date goes well. She picked up (step one lol) and we had a fun 20-25 conversation. She had to go suddenly because she was cooking and something was boiling over, so I didn't get to float my entire idea of come over and let's cook dinner this weekend, but still said we should meet up and see each other again on Friday or Sunday. She said she yes but but needed to check her schedule/non-commital about when. So its like such baby steps and its annoying because I like her and her personality. You wouldn't pick up your phone and talk to someone for an extended length of time if you didn't like talking to them right? Especially the relationship-esque thing, we met online and have kissed, she probably likes me but how much slower could this possibly go?. Its me being super impatient I know. Edited April 1, 2014 by drg2365
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I knew asking the gf was not a good idea. I just needed to hear it from others. When things go super slow it gets really confusing. Like we went out on last Friday, didn't talk to her Sat/Sun, called her last night, in the tradition of generally calling after a date goes well. She picked up (step one lol) and we had a fun 20-25 conversation. She had to go suddenly because she was cooking and something was boiling over, so I didn't get to float my entire idea of come over and let's cook dinner this weekend, but still said we should meet up and see each other again on Friday or Sunday. She said she yes but but needed to check her schedule/non-commital about when. So its like such baby steps and its annoying because I like her and her personality. You wouldn't pick up your phone and talk to someone for an extended length of time if you didn't like talking to them right? Especially the relationship-esque thing, we met online and have kissed, she probably likes me but how much slower could this possibly go?. Its me being super impatient I know. Yeah the her picking up and talking for 20 min is definitely a good sign. Well, I say that there's no definite speed at which a relationship/dating should progress at, but just make sure that there IS progress. Don't get stagnant or you'll tiptoe into the friendzone. I want to ask you for your thoughts on sex and dating.
GemmaUK Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Yeah the her picking up and talking for 20 min is definitely a good sign. Well, I say that there's no definite speed at which a relationship/dating should progress at, but just make sure that there IS progress. Don't get stagnant or you'll tiptoe into the friendzone. I want to ask you for your thoughts on sex and dating. The top part I agree with but..hmm..if the last sentence was a suggestion on what to say to her I really wouldn't do that. It can set alarms off as she will have no idea what your next question/statement will be. She could just think you are into something wierd and kill the conversation dead! OK, drg, look at the positive bits here. Also, you can take confidence from the positives. We all take confidence from positives in our lives - being good at your job, someone picking upthe call when you think they might not be interested... The positives: She appears to be being more consistent. You aren't getting pushed away affection wise (or at least you haven't mentioned it here) That call you had was fun and a good one from the sound of it. It was only 20 mins long so it leaves things to talk about and catch up on when you see each other next. I think that she wants to be persued by you. II also think that the next date you need to just kiss her, properly kiss her (no groping) I mean. One man I dated, we had left a coffee place and he made sure he gothold of my hand as we left and just kissed me.It was in public so it wasn't going to be anything over the top but it was a very lovely kiss. He didn't invite me back and I would have refused that early on anyway but he had kissed me on the cheek when we met that day, he had also snuck a kiss when he stood up from the table to go get another coffee but just bending down to me (lips this time), then he kissed me properly when we left. You need to warm up to it and be more tactile (again, not groping) as the date goes on. Each time she doesn't avoid you and accepts the touches and kisses take confidence from it that you're OK to try just a little bit more. She may well just be like a lot of us and just not inclined to jump in teh sack but would rather get to know a man...but you have to start consistently upping the physical step by step. She is being more consistent with you..you need to be more consistent with your actions.
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 The top part I agree with but..hmm..if the last sentence was a suggestion on what to say to her I really wouldn't do that. It can set alarms off as she will have no idea what your next question/statement will be. She could just think you are into something wierd and kill the conversation dead! No, no, no!! I'm not telling him to ask HER that!! lol! I was asking the threadstarter what HIS thoughts were on regarding sex. Because if he likes to take a relationship slow and wait for sex then that's ok. Or wait til marriage then ok. I was seeing if there's a particular time or amount of dates that he usually follows before sleeping with a girl. Because if he wants to gain some progress maybe he could start trying to take it to the next level... But only if he's comfortable.
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