Is he really giving me a second chance?

March 25, 2014

My boyfriend and I had an amazing relationship for 1.5 years - we were best friends as well as lovers. Then he withdrew from the relationship for no apparent reason for a couple of weeks and I handled it very badly - when he needed me to be there for him, I blew up at him and threatened to break up. He then asked me for a break - I was a bit pushy and very scared but overall, I did give him this time. A couple of weeks later, we were supposed to talk but he blew me off which led into another argument. I gave him another week and then we finally had the talk. He initially said that I had pushed him away and I was too demanding and he couldn't make me happy and just wanted to be friends even though he loved me and always would. I told him I could not just be his friend, which he didn't take very well, and I now realized where I went wrong and I was willing to work on it and change as what we had was too good to throw away. He agreed but said he wanted to take it one day at a time. I wanted to make sure I hadn't blackmailed him into this decision so I asked but he confirmed that he did want to give it another shot. In the week that followed, he made almost no effort to contact me and I did not see him alone although we did meet in social settings. He was almost back to his normal self but not quite. Also, there was still no effort to talk to me alone or see me. Today, I asked him if he wanted to meet up and he brushed it off with a "maybe soon." I asked him if he still wants to give this a shot and he said yes. I then told him if he really does want to, he needs to make some effort as I cannot do everything and I have been trying really hard but it is getting us nowhere. He said he is working on it and he will but still did not set a date or anything of the sort.

What should I do? Would he be stringing me along for no reason if he was really and truly done? Please help - this has been absolute hell - I know I deserve some of it as I did behave badly but this feeling of not knowing is so painful.

Edited March 25, 2014 by Ph123

March 26, 2014

You're still pushing, poking, proading

He said one day at a time but you're so eager it looks like hes just getting annoyed

Let him initiate contact

He says he needs time and wants to work but slowly from your post you instantly want him to forgive and forget and everything be hunky dory let him try for a few weeks without you telling him he needs to do better your just adding pressure and that might result in him losing interest to try.

Edited March 26, 2014 by Omei

March 26, 2014

My ex did something similar with his ex (now current) girlfriend.

I'm willing to bet he's seeing someone else. Or he really is just annoyed that you won't stop pushing him.

Step back and give him some time to miss you.

March 26, 2014

You're still pushing, poking, proading

He said one day at a time but you're so eager it looks like hes just getting annoyed

Let him initiate contact

He says he needs time and wants to work but slowly from your post you instantly want him to forgive and forget and everything be hunky dory let him try for a few weeks without you telling him he needs to do better your just adding pressure and that might result in him losing interest to try.

This. Word for word. You're being pushy and needy and it's pushing him away.

March 26, 2014

Hi guys,

Thanks so much for replying. I get your point but if we are officially not on a break anymore, how will things get better if we don't talk or spend any time together? I really don't expect things to improve or go back to normal in one day but in the past week since we have been 'trying again,' even on days that I did not contact him, he did not bother either.. considering the fact that the last time I saw him alone was about 6 weeks ago, I'm a little surprised.

Should I just completely stop making the effort and pushing him like you said and see if anything changes? If so, how long do you think would make it clear as to whether he was just getting annoyed at the pushiness (so he'll get in touch with me) or he's maybe just playing with my head?

@Storm: I thought of the possibility of another girl many times to be honest! He completely denied it when I asked him but who knows? I'm just basing this on our previous fights - we have had some bad ones before but we've always resolved it in a matter of days.. this is something very new!

March 26, 2014

When you first start dating someone, you don't talk to them every day. So why would this be any different? You need to chill the f--k out before you chase this guy off for good. Let him lead for a while -- stop being so clingy and pushy.

March 26, 2014

Hmm I wouldn't know to be honest - we never really dated as such. He was my best friend before we realized we had strong feelings for each other so we went straight from that to a serious relationship. In the past several years, I don't re-call a single day that we haven't spoken or seen each other so I am really struggling with this. However, you are right - I need to stop initiating contact and pushing him. I'll keep you guys updated! Thanks again for the honest advice.

March 26, 2014

Let him lead. It will show you his true intentions.

March 26, 2014

Hi guys,

Thanks so much for replying. I get your point but if we are officially not on a break anymore, how will things get better if we don't talk or spend any time together? I really don't expect things to improve or go back to normal in one day but in the past week since we have been 'trying again,' even on days that I did not contact him, he did not bother either.. considering the fact that the last time I saw him alone was about 6 weeks ago, I'm a little surprised.

Should I just completely stop making the effort and pushing him like you said and see if anything changes? If so, how long do you think would make it clear as to whether he was just getting annoyed at the pushiness (so he'll get in touch with me) or he's maybe just playing with
my head!

Why do you need a time frame?

No, dont stop trying on your end, just dont tell him he need to be better.

In your original post you said you were blowing up and too demanding, hes prob going through doubts or in fear maybe? Like hes walking on eggshells but you prob feel that way too thinking "will this move get me left again?" all I can think of is at this time hes taking his fresh air.

Hope it works out for you

Suggest an outing once a week after 3 weeks if he declines all then I would say hes not even trying yes.

March 28, 2014

Hey guys,

So he invited me over yesterday evening, we had a nice time together and for the most part things seem normal. He is still holding back though - no 'I love you' or good night text or any of that. I guess it will take some time to go back to how we were. I hope we can get there again.

In the meantime, I am definitely not pushing and trying to be as normal as possible but after I said 'I love you' to him and he didn't really respond (gave me a tight hug instead of saying anything), I think I will hold back on that too until he's ready to hear it/say it again.

This morning, we spoke briefly over text (I forwarded a message to him and several others and he started the conversation) - but he sounded just a bit off again... I guess time will tell?

March 28, 2014

Hey guys,

So he invited me over yesterday evening, we had a nice time together and for the most part things seem normal. He is still holding back though - no 'I love you' or good night text or any of that. I guess it will take some time to go back to how we were. I hope we can get there again.

In the meantime, I am definitely not pushing and trying to be as normal as possible but after I said 'I love you' to him and he didn't really respond (gave me a tight hug instead of saying anything), I think I will hold back on that too until he's ready to hear it/say it again.

This morning, we spoke briefly over text (I forwarded a message to him and several others and he started the conversation) - but he sounded just a bit off again... I guess time will tell?

OP, you need to completely withdraw from this. The next time he contacts you, let the call go through to voicemail, or leave the text fur a little while before answering it.

If you want any hope of getting him back, you need to be unavailable, not waiting by the phone.

March 28, 2014

His hesitation to go straight back into it is because he knows change takes time. While your expecting days, he's expecting probably around a month. That's usually how it goes with all the cases I see like this. Change takes time, the problem is once your comfortable again things will be like tthey use to be, which is why an extended period of time is required, so change can start happening.

March 30, 2014

So here's an update:

We were supposed to meet up the day after we met again (his suggestion, not mine) - and he was being super nice about it with phrases like 'anything for you' and all that.. still nothing very loved up though but I figured it was a start. Turned out, it was a common friend's anniversary that we both had to go to so we had to cancel our plans. I asked him if we could do it the next day instead and he said 'Let's see' which is basically a brush off. It was nice and friendly that night, nothing over the top. The next day, again we ended up at the same place with common friends and basically spent the whole day with them - once again, friendly but nothing special and no mention of getting together afterwards and I didn't bring it up either. I left before he did and he didn't call or text afterwards (as he would have if things were normal).

Today, he called briefly, asked me if I was going to another friend's house for lunch, which I had already declined and he said cool have a good day and that was about it. Again, just friendly, no more and no less.

I'm giving him his space, not pushing it at all - and slowly things seem to be getting better but we are still nowhere near where we were. He is definitely holding back and I am giving it time to see if he does drop that barrier eventually. His hot and cold behavior is painful but I guess I have to be patient. I really, really hope we do manage to go back to how we were.. I miss being with him so much.

March 30, 2014

You need to go NC, girl.. This is going nowhere..

March 30, 2014

Unfortunately, I agree.

I'm sorry, but the relationship is over. Some people have a hard time giving the other person a clean break, because they don't want to hurt the person, they feel guilty, they're trying to let the person down gently, they don't want to take responsibility for the breakup, etc.

His actions don't match his words. For your own emotional health, you need to recognize when someone is done with the relationship, even when they refuse to connect the dots explicitly for you. You don't go six weeks without talking to someone when you're "working" on the relationship. You aren't constantly arranging things so that you're almost always in a group setting with the person. The effort isn't completely one-sided.

I hate to be blunt, but stop hanging on the rare crumb he tosses your way and stop bending yourself into a pretzel to figure out the right combination to get him back in a healthy relationship with you. He's not the one stringing you along anymore. Really, at this point, you're stringing yourself along. You're torturing yourself unnecessarily in a no-win situation.

March 31, 2014

I know you guys are probably right but I still can't help having a tiny bit of hope specially as I know he is going through a really, really rough time at work (which is the big issue I was referring to earlier that started all this) and I am just not ready to give up quite yet. I'm most likely setting myself up for more heartache but I have to know I really tried and be able to walk away with no what-ifs.. and I'm not there yet.

We are definitely nowhere near where we were but there does seem to be very slow improvement so I think for my own sake, I need to give it a little time and if there's still no improvement in a few weeks.. well then, I know I tried!!

Thanks so much for your advice everyone!

March 31, 2014

Go NC for a couple of months and reintiate contact, things will be much better I promise..

March 31, 2014

I know you guys are probably right but I still can't help having a tiny bit of hope specially as I know he is going through a really, really rough time at work (which is the big issue I was referring to earlier that started all this) and I am just not ready to give up quite yet. I'm most likely setting myself up for more heartache but I have to know I really tried and be able to walk away with no what-ifs.. and I'm not there yet.

We are definitely nowhere near where we were but there does seem to be very slow improvement so I think for my own sake, I need to give it a little time and if there's still no improvement in a few weeks.. well then, I know I tried!!

Thanks so much for your advice everyone!

This is a horrible, tortuous plan. He clearly has no desire to work on the relationship of get back together with you. Stop doing this to yourself.

April 2, 2014

Well.. things actually seemed to be progressing. We had a conversation about the situation and I told him how I feel and he was quite nice about it all and wanted to meet up again and it seemed like we were making slow progress.

Unfortunately, this morning, we had a bit of a misunderstanding where I thought he was again being hurtful on purpose as he suddenly left mid conversation on chat. I didn't blow up but did send a message saying 'Well guess you're busy - bye!!!' and he came back saying he was on the phone (in all fairness, he could have normally would have said so before he went off!!) and anyway the whole thing got completely blown out of proportion. He said my comment was unwarranted and got quite nasty about it. I called him to try to rectify the situation as chatting online wasn't helping but he blew me off completely at which point I lost my temper as well and told him I am done with him as he had consistently been rude to me and treated me badly for several weeks now and enough is enough. He got upset and even madder and the whole thing just ended very badly. Once I calmed down, I messaged him and told him I didn't want to end things on a bad note, sorry I lost my temper and we may as well meet up and talk and if we cannot sort it out, we clearly cannot carry on like this so should say goodbye properly and not let things get so nasty.

He replied and said he doesn't want to talk to me right now and he will contact me when he does want to and as far as he's concerned it's over, no more talking.

Sorry about the rambling post, but needless to say I am so horribly devastated and heartbroken. Judging by this, I can only assume that it really and truly is over and there will be no coming back from this. I am angry with him for the way he treated me and spoke to me today but it doesn't take away from the hurt and I guess I'm still shocked that we have come so far in a matter of weeks... the worst part of it all is, I am definitely going to see him a couple of times a week as we basically only have the same friends and I don't think I can cope with giving them all up too. Any advice?

April 3, 2014

Update:

I ran into him at a friend's house last night as expected and besides a hello and a goodbye we did not interact at all. I blanked him out completely, even when he made a small move to talk to me, I did not respond. I feel terrible doing this but it's probably the best thing to do for now, right?

Ultimately, I think he was a little upset at the fact that I did not look or act sad at all (I put on my 'face' and was laughing and chatting throughout the evening) so he left much earlier than the rest of us which is very unusual for him.

I feel so guilty though, he is still going through a really rough time and I feel like I am letting him down at the worst time possible. I just don't know if this is the right thing to do. Also - is there any chance at all that he may come back?

Please, please help.

April 3, 2014

He broke up with you, so how are you letting him down exactly? He's the one who broke up with you, that's what happens when you break up. You need to stop interacting with this guy. You are way too emotional and impatient about it, which is why you blew up on him. You need to go No Contact and stay No Contact and get your head straight.

April 3, 2014

I agree with you. I have been impatient and have let my emotions get the better of me. I wasn't able to handle the half-way relationship that we had.. specially when one day he would be almost back to his old self and the next day he would be super cold. I don't know if he did this intentionally, but it really played with my head and I obviously didn't handle it well at all.

I am going completely NC now, have made no effort to contact him and have no intention to. I will keep on seeing him but will continue to avoid him as much as possible.

Do you think there is any way back from this mess in the future?

April 3, 2014

I agree with you. I have been impatient and have let my emotions get the better of me. I wasn't able to handle the half-way relationship that we had.. specially when one day he would be almost back to his old self and the next day he would be super cold. I don't know if he did this intentionally, but it really played with my head and I obviously didn't handle it well at all.

I am going completely NC now, have made no effort to contact him and have no intention to. I will keep on seeing him but will continue to avoid him as much as possible.

Do you think there is any way back from this mess in the future?

Who knows. That's up to him to decide and it's up to him to make the effort to come back to you if he does decide that. I would act as if there is no chance. The old relationship is dead -- you need to completely bury it. If he does come back around and make the effort, it has to be a brand-new relationship. You don't want the old one back, it didn't work.

April 3, 2014

I wasn't able to handle the half-way relationship that we had.. specially when one day he would be almost back to his old self and the next day he would be super cold. I don't know if he did this intentionally, but it really played with my head and I obviously didn't handle it well at all.

I am going completely NC now, have made no effort to contact him and have no intention to. I will keep on seeing him but will continue to avoid him as much as possible.

Do you think there is any way back from this mess in the future?

And no one deserves to be in a half-way relationship. When someone isn't sure about you or the relationship, let them go. Don't let them leave you hanging on a string while they take their sweet old time to decide what they want. The only thing you do is enable their indecisiveness.

Stay NC. During this time you may want to reflect on your own behavior. Maybe if there is a future with this guy, you will be in a better frame of mind in how you handle yourself.

April 4, 2014

I've learned the hard way with people who are unsure and wishy washy. The correct thing to say it goodbye, case closed. Don't waste time with these people. You're either in or you're out, and it's not up to you to wait around on the off chance the person actually decides to commit.

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