BS Looking For More Answers

[jm2013]

Ok, So it's been a little while since I've posted here. Some of you may have followed my story since October. I had moved out of my house to get the hell away from my lying cheating wife as well as her parents. I couldn't take it anymore being around it daily.

 

Anyways, since then, the time I've spent with my daughter has been the hardest ever. About every single time we hung out she'd tell me how much she loved me and asked when I was coming home and why I was staying at grandma's house and expressed how much she missed me constantly.

 

This tore me up inside. I didn't know what to tell her. About a week ago I decided to come back to the house but told my wife this wasn't about a reconciliation but was for me to come home while we sort out all of out stuff.

 

It will be easier since I'm contributing all the bills there and not sure why I'd even punish myself for something that was no fault of my own. My wife has been living like a queen there while I degraded myself just to get away.

 

If anything she should have been the one to leave the house and I told her that. Now here's the thing. Since I've been gone my wife has been doing everything in her power to try and "win" me back if you will.

 

When I'd come over to the house to watch my little girl while she went to her class she'd have dinner made and would practically do everything for me. I also noticed she'd leave her phone out places near me for me to check it but I have not. I don't want to play PI I'm done with that.

 

With that being said, since I've been home she's literally doing EVERYTHING for me. When our girl goes to sleep I've been playing an online game which she decided to buy and play with me. Kind of interesting but she's probably making use of the time as some sort of bonding time. As we sit there and play the game together I tend to forget about everything for a short time.

 

Apart from that, she lays out my work clothes and even sets out my comfy clothed at night. She makes dinner every night, puts my vitamins out in the morning and also starts my car for me to warm it up before work.

 

She has also stopped talking to her sister and parents during this time. Anyways, I guess what I'm getting at is I've got it made right now. Sex whenever I want, things are done for me. I know this is going to sound completely weird to some.

 

Anyways, I guess the most confusing part of this whole mess is doing what's best for my little girl. Would a divorce be best? I'm not sure.. I have been trying to project my life within 5 years of where it would be with or without my wife.

 

I am pretty close to giving my lawyer the $450 cash he needs to file papers with the court. I've already paid him $1300. My wife wouldn't settle on a dissolution and appears to want a lengthy drawn out divorce to stall things out.

 

I'm not even sure if she's truly sorry for what she did or what. She is active within the church now and goes to church weekly to convert to a Catholic. My mom is very religious so her and my wife and been active on doing this and I guess my mom is sponsoring her.

 

And most of you are aware that I've got an 8 year old son as well from an oopsie I had when I was 20. So me going on in life would be hard. It would be like two divorces interacting with two separate people then later in life trying to find somebody to accept that. So my guess would be that any future relationship would be strained due to my own circumstances as well as the other person's. I'm guessing that person would have baggage as well so who knows.

 

And I'm not sure why my lawyer is telling my to reconcile if there's a chance. Basically telling me I'd be better off and sitting there giving me statistics on divorce rates for second marriages and success rates for reconciliation. With that being said, I guess I'm seeking advice here. I'm sorry if I seem up and down and side to side. This has been the hardest thing I've ever encountered in my life.

 

Not to mention I told my wife the second I found out about what she did she could consider our marriage terminated. It means nothing to me anymore as far as the vows we made to each other. We had an agreement that was probably the biggest promise you can make to another person and it was broken.

 

So how on earth are you supposed to trust somebody again? It seems damn near impossible. So the first promise broken means they promise they wouldn't do it again? Who knows. That's about it for today's vent. I am just worried about my little girl. I know everybody says she'll be ok and no doubt in my mind she would be. But knowing what a divorce would do to her life tears me up inside. Nothing like throwing everybody into poverty because of her mom's selfish behavior.

[BetrayedH]

What struck me here is when you said that you're not sure if your wife is even sorry for what she did. Normally I would say to look at her actions, not her words. In this case, the actions seem to be there. Perhaps it's the words that are missing?

 

As for the decision to stay or go, you have the right NOT to decide for as long as you like. If your wife doesn't like it, she knows where the door is. Perhaps you take some pressure off of yourself and see what else she does to make this right.

 

As for the other logistics you discussed (potential baggage in future relationships, staying for your daughter, etc), I don't recommend that you stay "just" for your daughter. Your marriage would be poor and serve as a poor example of a marriage for her. While statistics about children from divorce aren't pretty, the fact is that she can survive and thrive either way - most of that really has to do with having parents that are involved. When it comes to potential future relationships for you, keep in mind that there are no guarantees with them either. I'm actually of the mindset that your odds with a truly remorseful former wayward wife are better than someone with no experience with infidelity (and potentially loose boundaries as a result). Your mileage may vary. A lot of it depends on your wife. Is she truly remorseful or not? Anyone can do damage control for a temporary period in the immediate aftermath. Is this a lasting change or not? That may take some time to figure out. How much patience do you have?

[Ap22]

i feel you brother. I just found out in November but I stayed because I couldnt bear to leave my 5 year old daughter. My wife babied me all the time after dday. Short of cutting my food and feeding me, she wanted to do everything. I had to tell her to stop because it felt like I was her child. I think she was just overcompensating trying to show she was sorry.

 

As far as trust, can you ever trust anyone again? Just because you find someone new doesnt mean this will never happen to you again. You could find a new woman and in a few years she could cheat on you too. There arent any guarantees. Depending on how remorseful your wife is, there may be a better chance that she would not cheat on you again after seeing the destruction it caused.

 

Ask yourself if you can get past this. If you think you can and your wife is genuinely remorseful and prepared to do the heavy lifting, consider R, if nothing else than for your child right now. If you dont think you can, then divorce. Keep in mind, if you stay, you will have to deal with living with a woman who cheated on you for the rest of your life. That is a very hard thing to do. I know because I've chosen that path and know I will never forget what she did.

 

Ask yourself if your marriage worth saving. Is this woman worth salvaging? Only you can answer that question. I'm completely convinced that the majority of people in this world will cheat. Finding a person who understands being faithful is rare. Dont base your decision on myths like "once a cheater, always a cheater" and dont pay attention to statistics. Numbers lie and they dont represent you. Do whats best for you and your child. Staying married and being miserable is not best for your child. Only use your child as a reason to stay if you know that one day you can be happy with your wife and provide a happy home. Decide if your wife can be redeemed. Look at how life would be for you and your child if you divorce or stay married. Decide what you can and cannot live with and do whats best for you.

 

Personally, I decided what was best for my child first, me second. I decided that my wife was genuinely remorseful and is so ridden with guilt and shame, that the chances she will cheat on me again are so slim. She would have to be pure evil to do it again after seeing the destruction she caused. Sometimes you have to lose it all before you see the error of your ways. I believe my WW has.

 

Good luck to you.

[goumao]

Has she ever come completely clean about her affair? Has she given a complete timeline that you were able to verify? Is she actually sorry for the hurt she caused you or is it the fear of moving on alone without her stable provider that makes her "remorseful"? It's easy to cook and clean for someone if they are threatening to leave you!

Edited March 25, 2014 by goumao
typos

[TobyBoy]

I would make her take a poly before R is even considered. No way it was just "one time".

[Ap22]

I would make her take a poly before R is even considered. No way it was just "one time".

 

You know, I really hate these kind of posts. I had to deal with them when I posted my story here.

 

You dont know these people. You have no idea what you're talking about. Dont put down such an absolute statement. I'm not saying that I know either and you still may be correct.

 

When you say something with such absolution, it just makes the OPs mind wander. Its like egging them on for the sake of egging them on.

 

I understand you're trying to help, but I just think there are better ways to say things without making the OP feel worse.

[TobyBoy]

You know, I really hate these kind of posts. I had to deal with them when I posted my story here.

 

You dont know these people. You have no idea what you're talking about. Dont put down such an absolute statement. I'm not saying that I know either and you still may be correct.

 

When you say something with such absolution, it just makes the OPs mind wander. Its like egging them on for the sake of egging them on.

 

I understand you're trying to help, but I just think there are better ways to say things without making the OP feel worse.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

[jm2013]

Thanks for the replies so far. It helps immensely speaking with people who've been there done it or are in the mud as well. Do I think she's really sincere? Well, she's said sorry and told me it was the worst decision she's ever made. And she swears that it only happened "once" and she stopped it shortly after they started.

 

Like she clouded up and came to some realization a minute into actually having sex to realize what she had done. Not sure if that's believable or what the truth is. The truth is he probably finished in a minute and that was it. So who knows. I guess that's not the point but it's still stuff I think about.

 

And I'm not going to lie. I've been with somebody else during our time apart which would further strain any reconciliation. We did not have sex but messed around a bit with other things. It just kind of happened one night. We were hanging out in and in similar situations. When I left I told my wife that the only thing holding us together was the law and that the marriage we had was already destroyed.

 

I do still love my wife I'm not going to lie. And when I was with somebody else it felt awkward and weird. At the time I didn't see any future with my wife what so ever so whatever I did felt irrelevant to my situation. I was still am on the page that it is hard to forget what has happened.

 

My wife still did try though. Letters, openness with her stuff. The ironic thing is I have caught her scoping out my phone. She'll dig through my phone trying to find things and see if I'm in a relationship with somebody else. I was taking a shower one morning and caught her snooping in my phone. She didn't realize I had peeked out of the shower. When she realized I saw her she turned to me and tried to hide my lit phone behind her back saying she wasn't doing anything.

 

I asked why she was lying and that it was pretty obvious what she was doing. She then said yes, she was looking through my phone cause she thought I had another woman. So I guess there is some sort of jealousy or concern in that area. She cares maybe?

 

And yes, I did tell her before I came back to the house what I had done. Started to at least. All she said was she didn't want to know anything about it and it was left at that. And she continues to treat me like some sort of king and do everything for me.

 

But the thing that really raised my eyebrow was her cut communication from her family. Her family has been a thorn in my marriage for years. I guess out of this whole thing she realized that and has since distanced herself from her parents and sister.

 

I have no desire to speak to her family ever again. What they have done is beyond appalling. The betrayal of what they did and continued to do was on profound levels and probably confused the hell out of my wife. When you've got your whole family trying to set you up with your affair partner there's something wrong with you.

 

I was not abusive at all and thought I was a pretty good provider for my family. Of course we had our ups and downs but her parents wanted TOTAL control. ANd they hated the fact that their kid had better things than them. It was some pissing contest through the years to them that pissed them off. They are weird and I think she finally realized that.

 

I know at some point and time they'll come back around and I don't know when that will be. But if our marriage did manage to push forward with some profound miracle I would want nothing to do with them. They never took any time to reach out to me or anything. Everything was my fault. The people who told me to call them mom and dad stabbed me in the back not just once but repeatedly and tried to finish me off.

[revelations]

jm2013:

I read a little of your story and here is the thing to consider. Yes she cheated and you know for sure that she is a cheater and a liar. Now can this happen if you leave her and take up with another woman? Of course it can, that is very possible. The thing to think of is that with another woman you have a chance to find one that is honest and will not cheat. With your wife you already know what you have, so what is best for you. Oh wait you have a kid with her. So if you stay with your wife will it be a happy marriage? If so then you may want to consider staying, if not then your best to leave. The kid will notice things like dad not being happy with mom.

 

Truthfully from what I read about your story I would have been long gone and already been banging a few other women. I know because I have seen me do it before. I did not hang around because simply put I would never fully trust that wife again. Like you I don't want to play PI either, I simply don't think I should have two full time jobs. If I am sleeping next to her every night I need to be able to trust her fully. Sadly in the case of a cheating wife, trust is not their. Now some say it comes back and this maybe true. However most of the time it never fully comes back. The term "trust but verify" is often used and to me it is an oxymoron. Those two words do not go together at all. If I trust her I should not have the need to verify and the other way around.

 

I will say that if you can have sex with her your doing better that I ever could. For me, once I found out she could not get it up with a crane. However any other woman had no problem in this area. So in the end it depends on what your able to live with. Remember living with her cheating on you is one thing, living with the fear of it happening again is another. Think of your mental health first and foremost. Worrying about your wife's standard of living is something I would not even look at. As far as the kid goes, remember you can make sure the kid is well taken care of. Your wife did not worry about how much you will hurt when she cheated on you, so don't worry about her. Staying with or leaving her is something you need to decide for yourself and what is best for you. Most people may think I am cold, however I will say "so what hurts the cheating wife" and that is because you need to think of yourself now. Either way you decide I do wish you the best. I know it is painful and often times when the WW is throwing out good sex it makes the decision more confusing.

[Sub]

I asked why she was lying and that it was pretty obvious what she was doing. She then said yes, she was looking through my phone cause she thought I had another woman. So I guess there is some sort of jealousy or concern in that area. She cares maybe?

 

My WW does this with me in a passive aggressive way from time to time. She doesn't look, but asks if I'm talking to my girlfriend when I'm on my phone.

 

 

And yes, I did tell her before I came back to the house what I had done. Started to at least. All she said was she didn't want to know anything about it and it was left at that. And she continues to treat me like some sort of king and do everything for me.

 

You should tell her everything, IMO. She may say she doesn't want to know, but if she's looking at your phone, she wants to know.

 

 

But the thing that really raised my eyebrow was her cut communication from her family. Her family has been a thorn in my marriage for years. I guess out of this whole thing she realized that and has since distanced herself from her parents and sister.

 

This is pretty major. That's a big sacrifice, especially if they somewhat contributed to the disconnect that happened between the two of you. More than any of the other things, you may be able to hang your hat on this going forward. Not that you want her to totally cut them off, but to focus on you for the time being and recognize an issue that existed is a good sign. Next step would be for her to confront them about it, though. What sort of things did they do that made them a thorn?

[goumao]

Well i can understand that at this time you're searching for a way to ease your pain and the obvious way is to find nice woman etc etc. But try to resist the urge, in the end its not going to do you any good right now. Sure have dinner with a smart attractive lady, but keep it in the pants until you at least decide to go for D or not. If it does happen keep it to yourself until D is finalised.

 

Your wife's reaction to you seeing other another woman seems a tad suspect to me though! Even though she banged her OM, she should still be quite against the idea of you being with someone else!

[Fluttershy]

Well i can understand that at this time you're searching for a way to ease your pain and the obvious way is to find nice woman etc etc. But try to resist the urge, in the end its not going to do you any good right now. Sure have dinner with a smart attractive lady, but keep it in the pants until you at least decide to go for D or not. If it does happen keep it to yourself until D is finalised.

 

Your wife's reaction to you seeing other another woman seems a tad suspect to me though! Even though she banged her OM, she should still be quite against the idea of you being with someone else!

 

There isn't anything suspect about it. She is scared as hell he will leave her for another woman. That is a completely valid and logistical concern after what she did to him.

 

OP. i may have missed it but what has your wife done to improve herself. Being a slave to you is not change. It is trying to win you back. Attitude aboit the A being open, more of te story, offerin to take a poly, all those things should be on the table.

 

I am pro reconciliation if all the cards are there. First, the wayward must be 100% honest and open and remorseful. Second the BS must want to one day "forget" the affair and 100% trust again. I don't mean they feel that at the moment but if the BS wants that five ten uears down the road it helps. Even if it takes time to decide.

 

If you feel you will always doubt er version of events schedule a poly. The parkig lot confession is where it is at. If she goves more of the story you can decide more from there.

 

Don't stay only for your daughter. Most kids don't apppreciate when they get to adulthood and their parents split to that they faked x amount of years. Kids feel they are lied to then.

[goumao]

There isn't anything suspect about it. She is scared as hell he will leave her for another woman. That is a completely valid and logistical concern after what she did to him.

 

I meant its odd that she didn't want him to talk about it or ask questions about it etc. But maybe your right actually. Maybe she didn't want to seem like it was a big deal to her, but actually was quite worried, hence the looking through his phone later on!

[bubbaganoosh]

You know, I really hate these kind of posts. I had to deal with them when I posted my story here.

 

You dont know these people. You have no idea what you're talking about. Dont put down such an absolute statement. I'm not saying that I know either and you still may be correct.

 

When you say something with such absolution, it just makes the OPs mind wander. Its like egging them on for the sake of egging them on.

 

I understand you're trying to help, but I just think there are better ways to say things without making the OP feel worse.

 

If he feels that she hasn't been telling him the whole truth, then by taking the polygraph test, it might help. If she told him it only happened once, to him, once is bad enough and if she did it once, then why not more?

 

To me, once is enough and IMO it's a one and out type of thing and I know it sounds hard but if the shoe was put on the other foot, I would expect the same thing.

[ClemsonTigers]

 

Your wife's reaction to you seeing other another woman seems a tad suspect to me though! Even though she banged her OM, she should still be quite against the idea of you being with someone else!

 

 

I respectfully disagree. I think if his wife was a typical UNrepentant wayward wife she'd jump on the opportunity to call him a supposed hypocrite for judging her for cheating while he goes out and commits adultery too. An unrepentant woman would also run around telling everyone what he did in a twisted effort to alleviate her guilt and shame. INSTEAD, this man's wife appears to be accepting of the blame and the fact that SHE started this ball rolling and honoring the fact he told her it was over (implying he could do what he wanted which he has).

 

 

 

I have been recovered from my wife's affair for 17 years now. Since then my wife and I, in real life, have helped 100's or maybe 1000's of other couples recovery from infidelity through churches and my private practice. I've got many close friends that have recovered from infidelity as well. It's rampant, just not talked about much in the real world. Probably every other couple you meet that has been married 10 years or more HAS confronted this issue in their marriage to some extent.

 

My recommendation is to hold the bar high. Simple survival isn't enough. Simple survive marriages end up chalk full of resentments which result is further cheating, more often, ironically, by the betrayed spouse. Instead, you want a thriving exemplary marriage. She totaled the Buick so now you want a Cadillac or forget about it. Work a marital recovery program either with a counselor, your church or maybe online through someone like Marriage Builders. Don't just bury it. Commit putting off the divorce decision for maybe 6 months or a year and just work the program and see if you can rebuild love and trust for your wife (I don't have to police my wife but we do hold each other accountable all the time). As a pretty religious guy I accept a lot more responsibility NOW for the sins that entered my household 17 years ago than I did way back then. But we recovered anyway and my wife owned it in spades. Neither of us are ashamed about it anymore = another "gift" of repentance. Not that we look back at what happened as a gift but it certainly did mold us both into better people. Fighting for my wife, marriage and family is something I will be forever proud of.

 

Our wives aren't perfect. We aren't perfect. But my wife is perfect for me and I have a feeling|HOPE your wife is perfect for you. Give it a year. See if she is for real. Challenge yourself. From my understanding, you are like 28 or 29 years old. I know tons of couples that didn't even meet until their 30's. Your daughter is worth a year of really trying.

 

 

HOPEFUL

[drifter777]

Thanks for the replies so far. It helps immensely speaking with people who've been there done it or are in the mud as well. Do I think she's really sincere? Well, she's said sorry and told me it was the worst decision she's ever made. And she swears that it only happened "once" and she stopped it shortly after they started.

 

Like she clouded up and came to some realization a minute into actually having sex to realize what she had done. Not sure if that's believable or what the truth is. The truth is he probably finished in a minute and that was it. So who knows. I guess that's not the point but it's still stuff I think about.

 

And I'm not going to lie. I've been with somebody else during our time apart

I quit reading - and caring - right here.

[jm2013]

I quit reading - and caring - right here.

 

Thanks for your input. I guess it is how one interprets what a marriage even is. Most people I guess are under the impression that our government controls what a marriage is which I guess they have tried to take over from its beginning in a religious setting. I live in a no fault divorce state so when my wife cheated on my the courts care less.

 

Anyways, I came here out of confusion why my wife has made these rapid changes. I've always told myself that if she ever stepped out of or marriage to do something like that it was instantly over.

 

I'm not sure if she's got our kid trying to wear me down or what but that has to be one of the most difficult things I've had to hear from my daughter who was constantly asking me to come home. And when I left it started affecting her at school. I noticed some changes in her.

 

I know a lot of people say don't stick it out for the kids if the parents aren't happy. I guess I was trying to find in myself if it was possible to reboot if you will with my wife and try to start a new relationship while trying to forgive the past.

 

I'm not sure why I'm even thinking that. I guess what she's trying to do has some sort of limited affect making me turn my wheels. And for me personally I wouldn't consider my actions "cheating" since my vows were already thrown in the gutter.

[thummper]

Still, IMHO, it probably would have been better for all concerned if you had waited until your marriage ended. You lost some of the high ground there.

[Ap22]

If he feels that she hasn't been telling him the whole truth, then by taking the polygraph test, it might help. If she told him it only happened once, to him, once is bad enough and if she did it once, then why not more?

 

To me, once is enough and IMO it's a one and out type of thing and I know it sounds hard but if the shoe was put on the other foot, I would expect the same thing.

 

I have no problem with that. I just hate the way some people say it.

 

There is a difference in how its said.

 

1: Get a poly! There is no way it was just once! No way! Dont believe it

 

2: You should look into getting a poly just in case. Make sure it was really just that once to put your mind at ease.

 

See the difference?