Stillscared Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 What's troubled me most about his 10-month affair is the realization that it may take me much longer than that to regain my trust in him and my own self esteem. It's been six months. We reconciled that first night (I gave him a choice, her or me, and he called and broke it off with her that night.) At six months, I cry less often (maybe 2-3 times a week) as compared to the first two months of severe anger and daily sobbing. But still I think about the affair every day and get angry when he doesn't aknowledge my despair, or worse, says things like "it will get better", as if he had nothing to do with 'it'. I know that for him the affair is 'over'. But for me, especially when making love, I'm overcome by the fact that he was with her, chose her over me, confided in her, scheduled hotel visits while I traveled on business and generally disregarded me. When he touches me, I picture him touching her or saying the same sweet words to her, and it causes me to shut down completely and often start crying. And I never feel pretty or desireable anymore, because he chose her and she was much more petite than me, prettier than me and in many ways perhaps the hot girl he would have loved to date in highschool. The problem is, she had been married 20 years to her spouse also. Since D-Day he's said he wants to be with me. Just him and me, no one else. We've moved out of state, gotten new jobs, starting over. I believe he's gone no contact, although I don't believe he did it as quickly as he said. I guess I feel like I need him to invest as much 'emotional' energy in me and our relationship as he did with her, but he's so distant, affectionate, but not really emotionally available. I know he's remorseful, but I feel so disconnected, and sometimes can't even look at him without feeling disgust and hatred (mixed with love and neediness). Sometimes I hate myself for that. Mostly I feel rejected. Unloved. Unloveable. Six months later, I feel like I'm still mired in the pain, and he's just wanting to move past this affair. I know he feels remorse, but he doesn't talk about it. He prays, silently, but again, we don't talk about how he feels. He repeats a mantra of 'I'm sorry, I was so selfish and insecure. I'm sorry I hurt you', but he has no idea how much hurt and that I can't shake the lies and betrayal and realization that he took another woman into his confidence and into his bed, for ten months. I know this is rambling. Maybe the 6 month date is triggering these emotions. I wanted to feel better by now, but mostly I just feel hopeless, like I'll never feel loved again, and certainly will never feel cherished. I know he can't make me feel better. I've got to do that for myself, and maybe it would have been much easier to walk away six months ago. R is hard. Six months seems like such a long time to still be in so much pain. Sorry for the rant. This d-day anniversary isn't a happy day for me. I just don't feel like I'm recovering fast enough to make it worthwhile.
waterwoman Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 What's troubled me most about his 10-month affair is the realization that it may take me much longer than that to regain my trust in him and my own self esteem. It's been six months. We reconciled that first night (I gave him a choice, her or me, and he called and broke it off with her that night.) At six months, I cry less often (maybe 2-3 times a week) as compared to the first two months of severe anger and daily sobbing. But still I think about the affair every day and get angry when he doesn't aknowledge my despair, or worse, says things like "it will get better", as if he had nothing to do with 'it'. I know that for him the affair is 'over'. But for me, especially when making love, I'm overcome by the fact that he was with her, chose her over me, confided in her, scheduled hotel visits while I traveled on business and generally disregarded me. When he touches me, I picture him touching her or saying the same sweet words to her, and it causes me to shut down completely and often start crying. And I never feel pretty or desireable anymore, because he chose her and she was much more petite than me, prettier than me and in many ways perhaps the hot girl he would have loved to date in highschool. The problem is, she had been married 20 years to her spouse also. Since D-Day he's said he wants to be with me. Just him and me, no one else. We've moved out of state, gotten new jobs, starting over. I believe he's gone no contact, although I don't believe he did it as quickly as he said. I guess I feel like I need him to invest as much 'emotional' energy in me and our relationship as he did with her, but he's so distant, affectionate, but not really emotionally available. I know he's remorseful, but I feel so disconnected, and sometimes can't even look at him without feeling disgust and hatred (mixed with love and neediness). Sometimes I hate myself for that. Mostly I feel rejected. Unloved. Unloveable. Six months later, I feel like I'm still mired in the pain, and he's just wanting to move past this affair. I know he feels remorse, but he doesn't talk about it. He prays, silently, but again, we don't talk about how he feels. He repeats a mantra of 'I'm sorry, I was so selfish and insecure. I'm sorry I hurt you', but he has no idea how much hurt and that I can't shake the lies and betrayal and realization that he took another woman into his confidence and into his bed, for ten months. I know this is rambling. Maybe the 6 month date is triggering these emotions. I wanted to feel better by now, but mostly I just feel hopeless, like I'll never feel loved again, and certainly will never feel cherished. I know he can't make me feel better. I've got to do that for myself, and maybe it would have been much easier to walk away six months ago. R is hard. Six months seems like such a long time to still be in so much pain. Sorry for the rant. This d-day anniversary isn't a happy day for me. I just don't feel like I'm recovering fast enough to make it worthwhile. 6 months is nothing. No time at all. Don't feel that you are failing in any way that you don't feel better yet. But if you need to talk, you need to talk. And he owes you that time and honesty. Thing is, if he's anythnig like my H, he is ashamed and embarrassed, so talknig about the thing that caused the shame and embarrassment is counter-intuitive - why would anyone want to do that? So you have to explain that you need to talk. if you lose a loved one, especially in a sudden and shocking way, you need to talk it out, maybe again and again and again. Only you know when enough has been said, and it's unlikely to be at 6 months after dday. In the end, yes he can't fix the damage, you have to do that. BUT he can provide some of the tools to the fix the damage and the environment to do it in. Have you tried MC? 3
anna hall Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Here I was thinking of putting up a story but your story is mine and probably that of many others. My first instinct was to leave. I would not put up with infidelity or so I thought...What does it teach my children? I have loved my husband all of these 23 years we have never strayed before and I think you love him still. I'm only 4.5 months past d-day and am still confused. We want someone to give us the right answer but It's all up to you/us I'm afraid. Some good advice I was given I think was what do you want? Don't do anything rash! My husband and I seem to have fallen in love again. Statistics show cheating is common in 85 percent of marriages(usually the husband) and believe it or not they also show the marriage to "benefit". The price is much too high of course. Time will make you feel better, you feel better already if you like me think back to d-day! My own rationalisation was, what if I had been the one to cheat. Would I expect to be forgiven? Plan your own future with him and without, you will be ready when you do know what you want. 4
Spark1111 Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I think what you are feeling is completely normal at 6 months. I had a bag packed for two years and yes, separating would have certainly been easier for me. The WS can be the biggest trigger there is. Have you told him how you feel? We had some hard, brutal (LOUD) communications in those still early days. I held nothing back from him because I believed NOT communicating our true feelings is what got us into this mess to begin with and I was damned if I was going to stuff any of how I felt. And I did start to focus on me; gym, classes, making new friends, doing, doing, doing for me.... Not only to boost my self-esteem, but to also prepare for a future alone should I still choose that course of action. What are you doing for you? 4
jnel921 Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 (edited) It's still very early and you are still going to feel some kind of way. Are you both in MC? It is very important to open up your line of communication to understand his actions and he your feelings about it. You say when this happened you asked him to choose. Maybe this is where you should have held back. Let him think about what he did and make that choice without asking. When my H hurt our M, the only question I had was why. As far as I was concerned he broke us and everything we put into the M. The decision to stay or leave was mine. Not his. If he wanted me he had to say that and demonstrate it with his actions. Which he did. I would never have asked him to choose. She is not a factor. Once you start talking and he starts filling in the blanks perhaps it may get better. I think everyone's circumstances are different. Length of the A, and how it was disclosed are all important. I have been through this twice. I did not stay with my first H. He did what he did for a while with no remorse. My second H had a brief A which he wholehearted regrets and works everyday to show and prove his love. Being on these boards for close to ten years has given me insight and has been helpful to me. I continue to read and post 17 months after my own D-Day because it is not as easy a process as you may think. We just don't get over it, or move on. There is a lot of pieces to be put back together and new pieces to be added. You will have good days and bad days. But this is the choice we BS make when we choose to stay and give our WS the chance to work their way back to reality and make us fall in love again. Focus on your relationship as it is now. Talk more or go to MC. It will get better. I have gotten to the point where I don't cry anymore and we both can talk about it without it being emotional. I know where my H heart and love is, it's with me. Sounds like your h is trying! you need to acknowledge and accept it as well. You BOTH need to do the work. Good luck. Edited March 25, 2014 by jnel921
BetrayedH Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 They say it's a 2-5 year recovery process. I hate to quote Dr Phil but he has a line that goes something like, "It's not that time heals all wounds; it's what you do with the time that matters." Naturally, your H would like for all of this to go away as soon as possible. He probably hopes that you'll forget about it or get over it faster if you don't dwell on it. He'd be wrong. Trying to do it fast doesn't work. In fact, that approach delays your healing. Fast is slow and slow is fast. You cannot go around an affair; you must go through it. His willingness to be open is what will make this closer to a 2-year process rather than a 5-year one ( or one in which you never heal at all). Look up Jacob's letter and share it with your H. Dday is such a traumatizing event because it shatters our worldview. What we thought we knew about the world and our spouse was all wrong. You're not going to be able to reach acceptance until you can see the whole picture of your marriage as it really exists. You have an incomplete puzzle and it's no wonder you can't yet come to grips with the whole picture. But he was in the affair. He knows the whole picture because he has all of the pieces. But he doesn't want to show it to you. He wants you to just keep looking at the old picture of your marriage. You're smart enough to know that that isn't the reality anymore. Don't you need that whole picture to process all of this and gain acceptance? Don't you deserve it? If he wants you to stay with him, doesn't he owe it to you? By the way, I'm rapidly approaching 3 years post Dday and I'm still here, too. Divorce does not magically make it all better. It seems that no matter what, they do the crime and we do the time. I could be wrong but I tend to think that reconciliation with a truly remorseful wayward may be the best healing path. Mine just wasn't truly remorseful. Is yours?
Steadfast Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 As someone already said, six months is nothing. This fall, it'll be six years post d-day for me, and I'm still here too. Not for advice as how to deal, because I really am way past that. But marriage turmoil and especially infidelity changes most of us rather dramatically, reconciled or not. Like kidd, my marriage couldn't recover and my wife wouldn't try but unlike kidd, I do not believe divorce is the most difficult option. I believe recon is. For a recon to be successful, the cheating partner is really put on the spot. They need tons of character to pull through the mess they've caused for themselves and their partner. That's asking a lot of a person who didn't have the character to remain faithful to begin with. That said, many couples do stay together but IMO, far more do so out of fear than love. If there is one thing I have learned, it's nothing replaces clear, direct communication. I think the betrayed often 'wants' the betrayer to replace what is missing in the marriage from the cheating, and do it without being told what that something is. And while nothing can replace the innocence of a marriage once it is destroyed, your husband can't read your mind either. You must tell him exactly what you are feeling and why. You must. My advice would say your marriage survival is based on his reaction and willingness, more than your ability to forget what happened. Love, yours and his will be greatly tested. Will it pass the test? So far, it isn't. 4
BetrayedH Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Like kidd, my marriage couldn't recover and my wife wouldn't try but unlike kidd, I do not believe divorce is the most difficult option. I believe recon is. I really liked Steadfast's post. Just two quick clarifications: First, I'm Kidd (an old username). Second, I don't really think divorce is the more difficult option. I definitely think that making the attempt to reconcile is the more difficult path. That said, divorce isn't suddenly a cure-all. I think some people think of it as an escape. Like, if I would just stop trying to reconcile with this idiot, it would all be over. Unfortunately, much of the trauma remains and it can remain for quite a while. I'm still coming to grips with who I am, who I want to be. I still have trust issues. I'm still at somewhat of a loss about what to do with myself. I am still seeking answers. The decision to divorce was somewhat relieving (no longer face-to-face with an unremorseful wayward spouse); I'm just saying that it's replaced with a different kind of difficulty. These are relatively minor clarifications, though. Steadfast's post is worth reading more than once. 1
Spark1111 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Whether you choose to D or R, your emotions will have their own time table and it is a process everyone needs to go through. clear, direct, CALM, non-accusatory communication is the key. It STILL may provoke anger, defensiveness and avoidance.....but learn to speak your TRUE feelings. If you do not know what they are....say that too: I am not sure. I need time to process, BUT, when I am sure I will return to this with you. It takes courage, and the closer you are to another person, the more courage it takes. 2
jnel921 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 (edited) As someone already said, six months is nothing. This fall, it'll be six years post d-day for me, and I'm still here too. Not for advice as how to deal, because I really am way past that. But marriage turmoil and especially infidelity changes most of us rather dramatically, reconciled or not. Like kidd, my marriage couldn't recover and my wife wouldn't try but unlike kidd, I do not believe divorce is the most difficult option. I believe recon is. . I have done both. Divorce was harder. In my first M this meant It was final and this changed the dynamic that I thought I would have with our children. My dream of family, life and love was shattered when he made his choice. It was clear he didn't love me or us. He was selfish and it was very easy for him to hurt us like he did. Yes I hurt when in my 2nd M my husband chose not to keep it in his pants and broke us, but there was something there to hold on to and I don't mean his weenie..lol. We weren't done and we still aren't. He loved me and was sincerely remorseful. We can only do better and be better people with the time we are working with. It's a work in progress. And when there is love all things are possible! Edited March 26, 2014 by jnel921
confusedandhurt2002 Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 I feel like I could have written this post. It's weird, but at first it was like I was able to compartmentalize it all..just like he had. I was crazy for him and wanted to proved he'd made a mistake sleeping with her. We had sex like crazy. I haven't been able to get pregnant in 7 years..I had given up on having another child. During the process of healing and this horrible thing called "hysterical bonding" I got pregnant. We had an empty sac and I miscarried. I figured it was a fluke so I attempted to reconnect, even though I kept thinking of them together and feeling sick about it all. Her I am almost 12 weeks pregnant and I am seriously messed up now. HOw could I sleep with him again after all he's done to me and now I'm pregnant! That's what I think a lot. And he says the same things your husband says .. how sorry he is, how disgusted he is with himself. He slept with her once, he says, but continued an affair for months after that by buying her gifts and paying her bills (she is married with three kids!) Our DDay was 8 months ago. Sometimes it seems like I'm even more angry now that i'm pregnant.
Fluttershy Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Unfortunatly i am with everyone else pn this. Don't be hard on yorself six months is hardly any time at all. Even though my H and my recovery was fairly swift in comparison to the average at six months being whole again was an unreachable goal. And then it got better. And then worse and then even better. One thing I did want to ask about was the connection. Is this him or you? Is he being aloof because you describe it as it really being on your side. I'm not saying this to blame you because honestly, being aloof as a BS for a while is a good idea. But if you are trying to connect to him and he is blowing you off? That is a big red flag.
petee Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 You are doing just fine. Nobody will ever say it is easy, and that you are still hurting after six months is perfectly fine. Hang in there, like mourning, the pain will numb and it will surprise you that one day you'll look back and see you did eventually get over it! It will not be a defined moment.
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