TheMink Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Hey all, well it appears I'm back again and heartbroken just as ever. I have been in a relationship with my current girlfriend for almost 7 months, and for the most part it has been drama free, and the relationship is everything that I have wanted. We see each other all the time, she understands me, etc. (However she does have BPD, which from reading these forums for a while seems to be a big deal). I'd like to note that I have put all my effort into the relationship and made sure that I have been caring, loving and understanding of her mental issues and her past (she has cheated in the past). Well as a sensitive person I guess I am very prone to getting jealous, and knowing of her past I was always suspicious of her having lots of guy friends etc. Around November last year she was really drunk and kissed two other guys, and also met this guy (we'll call him Steve). Ever since she's known him and befriended him I have been suspicious. And the worse thing is we'd joke about how I was worried that she was sleeping with him and about how ridiculous I was being. So the other day I snooped on her FB messages, I needed to clear my conscious. So I looked at her messages with her friend, and searched and found her talking about how she missed him (he was in a ward for his schizophrenia), that they were having sex more frequently than we were, and gave some details. Reading this literally ripped my heart from my chest. I know I was in the wrong snooping on her, but I needed to know. I told myself going into the relationship that I wouldn't become attached (which I did). I don't know what to do, I can never forgive her, and I know that I can't make this relationship work. But I don't know how to break up with her, if I should confront her. She goes on about how much she loves me etc. and even last night she started crying because she thought she was going to break up with me. I mean she goes around telling people that we're engaged (which we're not). I just can't wrap my head around the whole thing. But don't get me wrong I know I need to get away from her. I just don't think I can deal with being alone again (I don't have a lot of friends, male or female), and because of that I've been thinking about whether I'd be able to just stay with her for the sex/affection. (I'd just like to note that she knows I snooped on her FB, because I already asked her about the two guys at the party, so I don't think she could try and play the victim) Thanks for any advice in advance.
David87 Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Break up with her now, tell her you know she cheated. Be a man about it and don't accept this kind of cr*p from her. She doesn't love you, if she did, this never should have happened. I know that you love her and you think that she loves you, but dumper now because sooner ol later she will dump you and that will suck more. Why do you want to be with such a person? Hope that you used protection when you were intimate with her. 3
Simon Phoenix Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Break up with her and start meeting some friends. You need to develop a network of platonic friends you can hang out with so you aren't so dependent on having a girlfriend. But yeah, why the hell would you put up with someone who is f--king around on you behind your back? Don't be a spineless little wuss. 3
Author TheMink Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 I'm not really asking if I should forgive her, what I'm confused about as to whether I should just use her for sex/affection for a while until my head is clear and I can deal with it properly (breaking up when I'm not completely shattered and heartbroken), or whether just to confront her now about it. Thanks for the advice so far
Arieswoman Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 TheMink, Please, do it now. The longer you leave it and turn it over and over in your mind the worse it will be for you. Go NC and start to heal yourself. Good Luck. 1
Author TheMink Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 Thanks for the replies. I think the reason I'm so apprehensive about breaking up with her is because I just don't want to be alone again. Because my breakup last year was so draining, and I just don't want to go through it again just yet I guess.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I'm not really asking if I should forgive her, what I'm confused about as to whether I should just use her for sex/affection for a while until my head is clear and I can deal with it properly (breaking up when I'm not completely shattered and heartbroken), or whether just to confront her now about it. Thanks for the advice so far Really? REALLY? As my boy Simon Phoenix says, take a lap for that comment. Break up from her or confront her. Those are your logical options. The forst option SHOULD be the answer.You COULD just let it go and use her for sex, but thats incredibly low. AND you dont mind sharing the same girl others have had too? Gross...Two wrongs dont make a right. 5
David87 Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Really? REALLY? As my boy Simon Phoenix says, take a lap for that comment. Break up from her or confront her. Those are your logical options. The forst option SHOULD be the answer.You COULD just let it go and use her for sex, but thats incredibly low. AND you dont mind sharing the same girl others have had too? Gross...Two wrongs dont make a right. Even better confront her and then break up. There's no other way around this. There are plenty of girls out there to have sex with. If i think about it I think it would be nice to have a wingman lol;)
Arieswoman Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 TheMink, You said Because my breakup last year was so draining, and I just don't want to go through it again just yet I guess. Yes, breakups are draining and hurful. But not as draining and hurtful as being with someone who disrespects you and your relationship. 2
Simon Phoenix Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I'm not really asking if I should forgive her, what I'm confused about as to whether I should just use her for sex/affection for a while until my head is clear and I can deal with it properly (breaking up when I'm not completely shattered and heartbroken), or whether just to confront her now about it. Thanks for the advice so far No. You need to learn to find affection and companionship from healthy sources. 3
Author TheMink Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 (edited) Ok well guys I went over to her house and confronted her about it. I tried to make her admit it to me, but I had to show her the photos that I took of the chat for her to admit it. at first she tried to play the victim by asking why I had waited this long to confront her about it. She kept trying to say that she loves me even though she did it, and tried to say that she only slept with him once and that it was a mistake etc. She said that she needed me (she was crying at this point), and then before I walked out I told her that I don't need someone who doesn't respect me, has cheated on me and has been deceiving me for months. I then left and walked home (in the rain), and she tried texting me to please stay and that she was so sorry, and had apparently slipped and smacked her head when she tried to run after me. Her sister also texted me asking what had happened, and then told me that their mum had asked me not to contact my girlfriend/ex for a week. Since getting home I haven't responded to any of her texts trying to say sorry etc. At the moment I'm just trying to wrap my head around things and trying to work out how I feel. Thanks for all the advice. Edited March 25, 2014 by TheMink 1
Chi townD Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Yeah dude, even though you don't feel like it right now, you did the right thing for yourself. She lied to your face about being with the guy and then when you showed her the proof, then she lied again! You read that she was having more sex with him than you; yet, she's trying to tell you that it was only one time....uh huh. Dude, you didn't want to break up with her because you didn't want to be alone. Maybe that's exactly what you need right now. To be alone and to heal from this. To find a way to love yourself again. Because, after a betrayal like this, you start to wonder what's the matter with yourself and your self esteem and self worth go into the toilet.. Believe me, I've been there. So, take this time to work on yourself. To heal and start making positive changes in your life. Continue with NC. It's going to be hard for you because I have a feeling that she'll have a hard time letting go. But, you gotta do it for yourself. 4
Author TheMink Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 Thanks Chi townD, your post made me feel a lot better. I think I'm just still in shock right now, and I just hope that I can understand things a lot better. I do believe her when she says that she loves/has feelings for me, but I know that I deserve someone that respects me. I don't know if I should respond to her texts or not. I need to get some sleep and clear my head. I'll give you guys an update on everything tomorrow.
Chi townD Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Don't respond. No reason to. It's over and she's got no one to blame but herself. If the shoe was on the other foot and she caught text conversations stating that, not only have you been cheating, but you've been having a lot more sex with another girl rather than your own girlfriend, would she be so understanding? I seriously doubt it. Just move on. DO NOT RESPOND!!! 1
Author TheMink Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 I know. I just hope something that my mum said doesn't play on my mind. "Love also includes two things, understanding and forgiveness"
Zahara Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I know. I just hope something that my mum said doesn't play on my mind. "Love also includes two things, understanding and forgiveness" Love also includes loyalty, fidelity and honesty. Understanding and forgiveness is great. But with that you also need to use your smarts and base that on the situation, who you are dealing with and how that would eventually affect your life in the future. She has a history of cheating. She had BPD. She's muddled with a guy that is being treated for schizophrenia. What are you thinking? I can guarantee you being the way she is, her ingrained habits are going to be hard to break and you're not one to do that for her. She has to find professional help with her issues. And change may never even happen. Get out of this and stay away. 8
Chi townD Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Zahara is right and so is her mother. You can forgive her in time. You could find peace in that. You can forgive her as a person. But, as a girlfriend? I think we both know that she crossed a line.
Author TheMink Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 My own mother said that to me tonight when I told her what happened. But yeah, I know that I couldn't see her in the same light ever again. I also know that she definitely won't be the person that I will marry, or let have my children. I know I can't save her, or change her habits. I'm only 18, and she's my second ever girlfriend, so I just don't have a lot of experience with things like this so forgive me for seeming so naive (which I admit I am).
Chi townD Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Dude, you're handling things better than some grown ass adults do. Keep your head up high dude! Remember, none of this was your fault. 2
KaliLove Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 The good news is that you learned this lesson at a very young age. A lot of us don't learn it until we're much older. This girl isn't right in the head..you're handling this SO well. 1
Author TheMink Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 I honestly feel like respond to her text saying that she's sorry with 'the only reason you're sorry is because you got caught'. I couldn't forgive her as a girlfriend, but for some reason a part of me just doesn't feel like ending it just yet. Yet being the key word for me right now, I just don't want to have to deal with it right now.
KaliLove Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Nooooo don't respond. You've been so strong..keep doing what you're doing! You're never going to want to deal with it but it's got to be dealt with. Stay NC. It's the best thing for YOU. 1
Zahara Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I honestly feel like respond to her text saying that she's sorry with 'the only reason you're sorry is because you got caught'. I couldn't forgive her as a girlfriend, but for some reason a part of me just doesn't feel like ending it just yet. Yet being the key word for me right now, I just don't want to have to deal with it right now. No, don't respond. Divert your anger elsewhere. You're trying to make a cheater feel responsible for their actions. If they never cared or felt guilt for you when they were cheating, what makes you think that your words now will be of any consequence to them? 1
Chi townD Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Look dude, she has a hellva lot of baggage to work through and that's not something you can help her with. You gave her your time, affection, love and trust and SHE threw it away. Not you. You need to walk away from this one. Don't worry, it sounds like she already has a support network with her mother and sister. Time to worry about you and your healing. 2
stillafool Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I'm not really asking if I should forgive her, what I'm confused about as to whether I should just use her for sex/affection for a while until my head is clear and I can deal with it properly (breaking up when I'm not completely shattered and heartbroken), or whether just to confront her now about it. Thanks for the advice so far You cannot use her for sex because that is a bad thing to do and will keep you involved with her. You should confront her, dump her and then find a decent gf who won't cheat.
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