A few changes today.. ex called in tears

[spicelover]

So, I met with my ex today to discuss some details about splitting a few things up and being able to sell things and keep things moving along.

 

Eventually the discussion turned to what went wrong between us again - usually this is where she gets very stroppy and wants to change the subject and becomes very cold towards me. Today she didn't. Today she opened up a little more.

 

I told her about what I'd spoken to my therapist about, and how I'm seeing the world at the moment. She was actually so happy to hear what I had to say. She started getting upset about a few things, and instead of arguing about them I listened and explained how I understood why she'd feel the way she does.

 

By the end we ended up kissing on the cheek and she said something along the lines of "keep this up and who knows what might happen down the track" with a big smile.

 

Fast-forward an hour... she calls me to tell me that she'd gotten home to a bunch of bad news and broke down to me on the phone saying how she's got "nothing" left in her life now. She's lost her partner, her dreams and future, her money, her job etc etc... she's really hit a low. I couldn't help it and told her she hadn't lost me yet (I know that undid a lot of good that I probably got in today), and walked her through everything one by one and tried to keep her chin up.

 

She said to keep things going for myself, and she'll be ok and not to be upset if she went cold on me again because that's how she's dealing with things.

 

I'm not sitting here stewing. I have no idea what to do. I want to hold her and tell her everything's not lost yet and there's still a way forward. But I know that would probably push her away more. HELP!! haha.. what do I do???

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

So, I met with my ex today to discuss some details about splitting a few things up and being able to sell things and keep things moving along.

 

Eventually the discussion turned to what went wrong between us again - usually this is where she gets very stroppy and wants to change the subject and becomes very cold towards me. Today she didn't. Today she opened up a little more.

 

I told her about what I'd spoken to my therapist about, and how I'm seeing the world at the moment. She was actually so happy to hear what I had to say. She started getting upset about a few things, and instead of arguing about them I listened and explained how I understood why she'd feel the way she does.

 

By the end we ended up kissing on the cheek and she said something along the lines of "keep this up and who knows what might happen down the track" with a big smile.

 

Fast-forward an hour... she calls me to tell me that she'd gotten home to a bunch of bad news and broke down to me on the phone saying how she's got "nothing" left in her life now. She's lost her partner, her dreams and future, her money, her job etc etc... she's really hit a low. I couldn't help it and told her she hadn't lost me yet (I know that undid a lot of good that I probably got in today), and walked her through everything one by one and tried to keep her chin up.

 

She said to keep things going for myself, and she'll be ok and not to be upset if she went cold on me again because that's how she's dealing with things.

 

I'm not sitting here stewing. I have no idea what to do. I want to hold her and tell her everything's not lost yet and there's still a way forward. But I know that would probably push her away more. HELP!! haha.. what do I do???

 

You do nothing. She wants to play the victim role of "Oh I lost everything" when SHE broke up with you is no bueno. She is now using you as the role of emotional tampon. AND THEN she says "who knows what might happen down the track" ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?! So now, you are the emotional tampon and the backup plan.

 

I've heard this way too many times. Hell, its happened to me to. My ex broke up with me and said things like "I just need this time" and "You're the one I want to be with I swear" and "I dont want anyone else" and "We'll be together here again so soon." I waited, was supportive, and whatever. Turns out, I was that same emotional tampon and backup. She had someone else in mind and was fooling around with him. Didnt see it until the end.

 

Not saying thats whats happening here, just giving an example. I see it on here a LOT. Dont be that doormat that she can just come to when it fits her schedule. You dont deserve that.

[David87]

What to do ? Like my confused bud says, absolutely nothing, stop being a doormat. She's using you for emotional support. Let her feel how it really is without you in her life.

 

As I said to plenty of people here GIVE HER THE OPPORTUNITY TO MISS YOU.

[spicelover]

Yeah thanks guys. I'll just keep on keeping on. I know she's having a really rough time at the moment, but it guess it's not my problem.

 

I really do love this girl... she's going through something. I wish I could be there for her but I can't I know that. I guess I just keep on keeping on and see where the wind blows. If our worlds align they will but if not it's not meant to be.

 

One thing she did say recently was I need to move on and date other people and enjoy my life. She really was staring at me to see my reaction then said "I bet you have a bunch of ho's lined up that you're seeing already".. I just ignored that. But it kills me deep down to think of her with someone else. Like I want to be sick. Is this normal??

[Chi townD]

yeah, she used you a little for her meltdown. Because, you've already shown her that you are able to sit still, LISTEN to what she had to say and responded in a calm and cool demeanor. That impressed the sh*t out of her that when she got home, she vented to you again.

 

 

The only thing you did wrong was stroked her ego when she said that she lost her partner. You responded that, "she hasn't lost me yet." That told her that you were still on the hook for her. Ego boost!

 

 

You should have said in an even voice, "Well, that wasn't my decision. But, I had to respect the decision that was made."

[spicelover]

I know looking back I should have yeah... I still desperately want to be with her. I feel things ended really badly as a result of a mixture of things going on in our lives that just blew up all at once.

 

I know it's bad for me, but I know she's feeling it too. How can I show her that I'm strong and moving along with my life, but there for her and still want her in my life? Or is this just not going to ever happen?

[Simon Phoenix]

Yep, you screwed up by being her shoulder to cry on and by telling her that you were still on the hook. Rookie mistakes, but they are over, no point in rehashing them further. What you need to do is charge forward and live your own life on your own terms. What you need to do is stop jumping like an obedient dog when she snaps her fingers. She can't miss something that doesn't go away and you, sir, aren't going away. So get gone and stay gone. If she wants to catch up later down the road, then make her do the work. Stop looking back and stop waiting around. She should be sprinting after you.

[spicelover]

I did. But isn't that what we do for the ones we love?

 

Am I the only person here who believes that just because someone breaks up with them, there are always reasons bigger than them just being nasty dumpers who discard others? I'm listening to you guys and I'm not just looking for what I want to hear, but I just wondered if I really am the only one who thinks this way. If you love someone, and think they are worth fighting for then you should... right?

[Simon Phoenix]

I did. But isn't that what we do for the ones we love?

 

Am I the only person here who believes that just because someone breaks up with them, there are always reasons bigger than them just being nasty dumpers who discard others? I'm listening to you guys and I'm not just looking for what I want to hear, but I just wondered if I really am the only one who thinks this way. If you love someone, and think they are worth fighting for then you should... right?

 

You fight during the relationship, not after it. Fighting for someone after they dumped you is a waste of time and resources and is usually counterproductive and has the opposite effect of what you want it to have. You, like a lot of posters on here, have watched too many romantic comedies. Those are written the way they are to be entertaining, not to be truthful.

 

Fighting for someone doesn't come off as noble. It tends to come off as pushy, manipulative, pathetic and unattractive. And not all dumpers are nasty -- in fact, most aren't. But they dumped for a reason and it's up to them and them alone to decide if they want to give you a second chance. You should not be trying to fight, sell or manipulate them into doing that -- in fact, the more you do that, the less effective you are.

 

Cliffs: fighting for them after they break up with you is garbage that you see in romantic comedies.

[pickflicker]

I did. But isn't that what we do for the ones we love?

 

Am I the only person here who believes that just because someone breaks up with them, there are always reasons bigger than them just being nasty dumpers who discard others? I'm listening to you guys and I'm not just looking for what I want to hear, but I just wondered if I really am the only one who thinks this way. If you love someone, and think they are worth fighting for then you should... right?

 

What Simon said. You fight IN the relationship. This is just...trying to resuscitate someone long after they cark it.

Edited March 26, 2014 by pickflicker

[pickflicker]

Spicelover, you may find yourself in the wrong place. This is not the forum for support for reconciliation. I got my thread deleted earlier because I suggested NC was a bad way to get an Ex back. I was attacked and told I was giving terrible advice to "weak people", I kept being told how NC was beneficial to people healing even though I made it clear I was talking about NC as a way TO GET AN EX BACK. I was told I am mentally ill and someone in particular (no need to mention him) promised I would be broken up for good with my boyfriend in 1-3 months. In fact he kept saying "Just wait and see", so if you came here looking for support for a possible or actual reconciliation you are in the wrong forum.

 

My opinion? Yes if you really love someone they are worth fighting for. We all go through hard times, I am right now and by no means was my ex an "emotional tampon" (nice term, btw). I shared my troubles with him so he would better understand why I did some of the things I did and said the things I said, which btw, he DID understand. Don't let anyone here make you feel like you did something wrong, are foolish, or will regret anything. This is YOUR life, not theirs. You have something to lose, many here do not, why would you take advice to heart from someone who doesn't even have a chance with their ex? They are in an entirely different place than you and I are. As a woman I would venture to say your ex is hurt and not sure how to exactly to proceed. I was the dumper and pursued my ex because I felt I made a mistake, he's responded positively but I still don't know how to flatout say "hey I want you back". I just keep sending him strong hints to which he does respond positively. Your ex may be struggling with feelings of shame over her behavior. It happens, and it makes it hard to feel like you are doing or saying the right thing so sometimes you just try to hold back. I will finish the rest of your thread and respond more.

 

NC is a bad way to get your ex back. I'm pretty sure no one but the drastically naive suggests that it is.

[KaliLove]

Spicelover, you may find yourself in the wrong place. This is not the forum for support for reconciliation. I got my thread deleted earlier because I suggested NC was a bad way to get an Ex back. I was attacked and told I was giving terrible advice to "weak people", I kept being told how NC was beneficial to people healing even though I made it clear I was talking about NC as a way TO GET AN EX BACK. I was told I am mentally ill and someone in particular (no need to mention him) promised I would be broken up for good with my boyfriend in 1-3 months. In fact he kept saying "Just wait and see", so if you came here looking for support for a possible or actual reconciliation you are in the wrong forum.

 

My opinion? Yes if you really love someone they are worth fighting for. We all go through hard times, I am right now and by no means was my ex an "emotional tampon" (nice term, btw). I shared my troubles with him so he would better understand why I did some of the things I did and said the things I said, which btw, he DID understand. Don't let anyone here make you feel like you did something wrong, are foolish, or will regret anything. This is YOUR life, not theirs. You have something to lose, many here do not, why would you take advice to heart from someone who doesn't even have a chance with their ex? They are in an entirely different place than you and I are. As a woman I would venture to say your ex is hurt and not sure how to exactly to proceed. I was the dumper and pursued my ex because I felt I made a mistake, he's responded positively but I still don't know how to flatout say "hey I want you back". I just keep sending him strong hints to which he does respond positively. Your ex may be struggling with feelings of shame over her behavior. It happens, and it makes it hard to feel like you are doing or saying the right thing so sometimes you just try to hold back. I will finish the rest of your thread and respond more.

 

 

NC is not a tool for manipulating someone into being with you..it's meant to help heal the dumpee.

 

Hinting isn't going to get you anywhere..men are pretty obtuse. If you were the dumper and you want your ex back, why don't you just grow some ovaries and tell him you want him back? You dumped him..you should be the one to pursue.

 

Spicelover, she's warned you already that she's going to go cold again. It's her own fault that she lost you. I'm not trying to be mean, I get that she's going through a lot, but you need to take care of yourself. Are YOU going to be ok if she suddenly disappears again? If she goes cold? If she decides she wants you gone?

[Simon Phoenix]

NC is a bad way to get your ex back. I'm pretty sure no one but the drastically naive suggests that it is.

 

Not to mention that the OP is the dumpee while Sadie is the dumper. Completely different perspectives and rules. As the dumper, if you want the dumpee back, you have to be aggressive and direct (though a period of NC is advisable to a) realize that that's what you actually want to do and b) not to torture and confuse the dumpee). A dumper needs to be willing to go above and beyond the call of duty and to fight because it's their job to fix what they broke.

 

That same approach would be disastrous to the dumpee. "Fighting" for the relationship doesn't show love to most dumpers: it shows a lack of respect for their decision to dump you. As the old cliche goes, if you love something, set it free. If the dumper wants you gone, you are better off respecting their wishes and being gone.

[pickflicker]

OP, please do not listen to this. I have had two major relationships marked by several breakups and reunions and the breakups did not weaken the relationship at all, it just didn't change it because at the time I was naive and uninterested in really changing and uncapable of seeing my own contributions to the breakdown of the relationship (and it usually is a two way street). I never really "fought for them" per se, it's just that if you both want each other back it will happen, as long as you are both honest and open. Hiding behind NC or other manipulative tools if you really want them back will get you nowhere. Yes breakups happen because something is wrong in the relationship, but you know what is the stuff of Hollywood romance? That if it's meant to be it will be easy and lovely forever. I see a lot more of that garbage than people breaking up and fighting to get each other back. My parents have been married for 30 years and madly in love and my mom broke up with my stepdad three years into their relationship for a time. Absolutely shattered my stepdad. But here they are 30 years later and he's taking care of her in her terminal illness. Again, do not listen to people who tell you you're wasting your time. Follow your heart and be aware that problems DO need to be addressed, but the solution is not breaking up, it's to work on the problems while in the relationship, but to say that if you break up it's over is just ridiculous nonsense.

 

You have a listening problem. NC is not about getting your ex back. NC is about protecting your emotions at a fragile time, where potential indifference from a dumper could hurt a person's feelings.

 

No wonder you're still having dysfunctional relationships. It must be exhausting, maintaining the drama.

[Simon Phoenix]

OP, please do not listen to this. I have had two major relationships marked by several breakups and reunions and the breakups did not weaken the relationship at all, it just didn't change it because at the time I was naive and uninterested in really changing and uncapable of seeing my own contributions to the breakdown of the relationship (and it usually is a two way street). I never really "fought for them" per se, it's just that if you both want each other back it will happen, as long as you are both honest and open. Hiding behind NC or other manipulative tools if you really want them back will get you nowhere. Yes breakups happen because something is wrong in the relationship, but you know what is the stuff of Hollywood romance? That if it's meant to be it will be easy and lovely forever. I see a lot more of that garbage than people breaking up and fighting to get each other back. My parents have been married for 30 years and madly in love and my mom broke up with my stepdad three years into their relationship for a time. Absolutely shattered my stepdad. But here they are 30 years later and he's taking care of her in her terminal illness. Again, do not listen to people who tell you you're wasting your time. Follow your heart and be aware that problems DO need to be addressed, but the solution is not breaking up, it's to work on the problems while in the relationship, but to say that if you break up it's over is just ridiculous nonsense.

 

Are you even reading this thread or just ranting and raving? First of all, she broke up with him, he didn't break up with her.

 

And second of all, I never said reconciliations can't work. Hell, I just was in my sister's wedding to a man that she was broken up with for a year at one point. But that reconciliation worked because they both took substantial time away from each other, they both worked on themselves, and he, as the dumper, went above and beyond the call of duty to get her back and proved that she had changed. He tried to get her back right away and she told him to pound sand. Not because she didn't love him, but she didn't trust that his motives were genuine and she feared that he would just flake on her again if things went bad. She stayed away until he made it clear that he was going to work for it. And because there was an extended time off, that gave him both the time to evaluate what he wanted and the understanding of what he had to do to accomplish it.

 

Spicelover's ex isn't asking for that. She's looking for an easy shoulder to cry on while she heals, just like my sister's future husband was after their break. He's better off, for a future relationship with her or to find someone better, if he stays away, collects his own thoughts and works on himself and let's her to herself to come to terms with the consquences of her decision.

[pickflicker]

Pickflicker, YOU have a listening/reading comprehension problem. NC is widely suggested on the internet as a way to get your ex back. What part of this do YOU not understand?

 

I am not "still" having dysfunctional relationships. I was married for TEN years and am VERY good friends with my ex husband. It must be exhausting trying to break people down on forums out of your own self loathing. Many of you here can dish it out but have zero ability to take it.

 

And I think you'll find that all the people here you're so anxious to lynch, believe those websites are wrong. If you'd read our posts instead of getting so apoplectic.

 

The only one having a conniption here, is you. We're all calm.

[Simon Phoenix]

And to reiterate, I'm not advocating NC as a way to manipulate your ex back. I'm advocating it as a way to get you back. Sometimes the tenets of NC can be effective in bringing about reconciliation because it allows both parties both the time to reflect on what happened along with the ability to move forward, but that's not its purpose. NC isn't supposed to punish the other one -- it's supposed to prevent you from confusion, further heartbreak and trauma and prevent you from making a fool of yourself when you aren't in the right state to communicate. Just thought I'd add this before being subject to another nonsensical rant.

[spicelover]

Hey Guys,

 

I'm not really going down the complete NC path. If she contacts me, I reply. I am just not contacting her about anything. I think that shows that I'm not going to be petty to her, and apart from yesterday she had really only contacted me about things that were necessary. Never to talk about us.

 

I want to her to miss me, and I think giving her space and time to think about what's happened will be good for her and myself. I guess she probably already knows that I love her so all I can do is move along and see what happens.

 

I'm disappointed in myself for not handling this better though. I would do anything to hold her again and kiss her head. I know the trauma she goes through about things and clearly is right now. I know that's just not going to happen. I dream about her every night, and when I wake up reality bites and knocks the wind out of me.

 

Ahhhh love. What a horrible drug.

[Simon Phoenix]

Hey Guys,

 

I'm not really going down the complete NC path. If she contacts me, I reply. I am just not contacting her about anything. I think that shows that I'm not going to be petty to her, and apart from yesterday she had really only contacted me about things that were necessary. Never to talk about us.

 

I want to her to miss me, and I think giving her space and time to think about what's happened will be good for her and myself. I guess she probably already knows that I love her so all I can do is move along and see what happens.

 

I'm disappointed in myself for not handling this better though. I would do anything to hold her again and kiss her head. I know the trauma she goes through about things and clearly is right now. I know that's just not going to happen. I dream about her every night, and when I wake up reality bites and knocks the wind out of me.

 

Ahhhh love. What a horrible drug.

 

Dude, if you respond every time she contacts you, all that tells her is that you are on the hook. Being there at someone's beck and call, even if you don't initiate, doesn't build attraction. It just shows that you are there to be a safety blanket. It really is a horrible strategy. How are they supposed to miss you if they know that whenever they contact you, you'll answer right back?

[spicelover]

Hmmm yeah I guess. I don't write straight back... sometimes I wait half a day, or even a day. Is that still bad?

[Simon Phoenix]

Hmmm yeah I guess. I don't write straight back... sometimes I wait half a day, or even a day. Is that still bad?

 

Yes. Stop responding. It's not your job to "not look petty". She basically fired you from the relationship and you are worried about how she'll perceive you trying to recover from that? That's also not attractive. It's your job to live your life -- it's her job to go above and beyond the call of duty to catch up to what you are doing if she chooses. There's absolutely no motivation for her to question her decision if she knows that you are going to be around.

 

Women are attracted to men who are strong and who have things going on, not to saps that obey like a pet when their owner beckons them.

[pickflicker]

Hmmm yeah I guess. I don't write straight back... sometimes I wait half a day, or even a day. Is that still bad?

 

You're just playing games. You're doing exactly what Sadie was screaming blue murder about. You want to be taken seriously? Stop playing games, be serious, and when she texts you about some crap or other, stay silent.

 

We don't preach it because it's bulls***, or because we want to see people suffer, we preach it because this path your choosing, is the emotional equivalent of sticking bamboo under your fingernails.

[spicelover]

Done. She's asked me a couple of questions today that aren't important. I've just deleted them.

 

I spoke to the therapist I started seeing this afternoon (she's been really good helping me deal with that fact that a. my wife left me, and b. now the new girl did, and why I choose certain kinds of women). She really helped me see what's happening and why I'm feeling that way I do.

 

I've got to be happy in myself and my own company again.

 

Lots of quiet nights, Coldplay and a wine for me. Gonna come out bigger and stronger than before.

[David87]

I'm happy that you decided to move on. Don't cave in when she texts you next time.

[guest572]

Good for you! I think its wise to ignore for now, don't let yourself be used like that. Its not really being petty, you are probably doing yourself a favour.