Girlfriend messing up my place and car!

[Medium.Lumo]

So I had a talk with her about it... she seems fine about it. Told me that she didn't know it upset me that much and she didn't think it was a big deal.

 

I didn't mention anything about the sex aspect because honestly I don't mind it, I actually enjoy it so why complain? I'll try to bring up the me time some other time. I don't want to hit her with too much all at once.

 

I mentioned that my parents bought me the car and my brother bought me the apartment and I felt bad to not look after them because they did me such favors by helping me out.

 

She understood and apologised.

 

Someone mentioned telling her to drive her own car... doesn't make sense in our case. She studies at the university and I work there so we go in together and then she uses the car during the day if she needs to go anywhere else and then picks me up later. I suppose we could take 2 cars but mine is just better.

[Els]

So I had a talk with her about it... she seems fine about it. Told me that she didn't know it upset me that much and she didn't think it was a big deal.

 

I didn't mention anything about the sex aspect because honestly I don't mind it, I actually enjoy it so why complain? I'll try to bring up the me time some other time. I don't want to hit her with too much all at once.

 

I mentioned that my parents bought me the car and my brother bought me the apartment and I felt bad to not look after them because they did me such favors by helping me out.

 

She understood and apologised.

 

Someone mentioned telling her to drive her own car... doesn't make sense in our case. She studies at the university and I work there so we go in together and then she uses the car during the day if she needs to go anywhere else and then picks me up later. I suppose we could take 2 cars but mine is just better.

 

Sounds good, so long as she backs it up with actual attempts to treat your stuff better.

[Medium.Lumo]

A lot of people have mentioned this on this thread.

 

What do YOU think is the appropriate time in a relationship to let her move in?

 

And I am a man, not a puppy, thanks!

 

Yep this sums it up. She is arm candy for him and he is an escape from her parents house for her.

 

OP this will likely end with her leaving you, like I said before, for a guy who acts like a man not a puppy. ffs it's been a WEEK and you let her move in LOL. I give it 2 months MAX.

 

Keep us posted and try not to get emotionally invested cause this is going nowhere. This girl is probably very fickle and you'll be out when another guy catches her eye or she gets bored of bossing you around

[Els]

What do YOU think is the appropriate time in a relationship to let her move in?

 

Well, to be fair, most people wait at least several months.

 

That being said, I do think you're attracting way more ire than you deserve. I mean, eh, it's your first R, people make mistakes. Big deal.

[Medium.Lumo]

Well, to be fair, most people wait at least several months.

 

That being said, I do think you're attracting way more ire than you deserve. I mean, eh, it's your first R, people make mistakes. Big deal.

 

Thanks.

 

Does it count that we have been friends for months and she has crashed at my place before?

[Els]

Thanks.

 

Does it count that we have been friends for months and she has crashed at my place before?

 

For heavy stuff like moving in/marriage, people usually count from when the R began.

[MidwestUSA]

Thanks.

 

Does it count that we have been friends for months and she has crashed at my place before?

 

Eh, you're gonna see her in a whole new light now that you're bf/gf, so I'd go with no. You obviously didn't know she wasn't keen on picking up after herself, or that she litters up your car. What about her car? Did that give you a clue?

[Medium.Lumo]

Eh, you're gonna see her in a whole new light now that you're bf/gf, so I'd go with no. You obviously didn't know she wasn't keen on picking up after herself, or that she litters up your car. What about her car? Did that give you a clue?

 

I guess I should have paid more attention... I didn't really notice but yep, her car is messy, at least by my standards.

[pickflicker]

A lot of people have mentioned this on this thread.

 

What do YOU think is the appropriate time in a relationship to let her move in?

 

And I am a man, not a puppy, thanks!

 

It's arbitrary. Some people know right away, others like to wait. It's that whole "depends on the relationship" thing.

[thegreatesthumphrey]

So I have been dating this girl since last week, but we've been friends since early last year. She is a truly lovely person. Very sweet personality and she is beautiful. I feel extremely lucky to be with her.

 

But there are issues with her that I never guessed at before we started dating. She wants to stay over almost every night, she has moved clothes and stuff in, and besides one day when we stayed over at her parents, she has basically moved into my place. It wasn't weird since she stayed over while we were friends, but she is different now. She leaves her clothes on the floor, takes stuff out of cupboards and leaves it lying around, doesn't put food away once she's finished with it, etc.

 

She has also started using my car which I had no problem with initially since it's newer than hers (my parents bought it for me for my 21 last year), and therefore safer, but she has just made a mess of it. Now when I drive it i'm like wtf!

 

When I confront her about it she just smiles and hugs me and tells me it'll be OK and don't worry etc. As if I'm a 5 year old.

 

She also doesn't want to do stuff I want to do at night, like last night I wanted to re watch Game of Thrones before the new series comes out, and she watched 1 episode and then wanted to have sex. I know tough position for a guy to be in right? Lol.

 

The problem is that she wants to do it very often, and mostly just me going down on her. Don't get me wrong... I love doing it, but I also want to have time for other stuff.

 

I can't really say too much though, because I do think she's an incredible person and I don't think I will ever get such a hot girl again. I really don't know how to tell her how what she is doing is annoying me.

 

 

Hot girl with no boundaries. That sounds so familiar to me. lol. The only way you can handle this one is to do exactly what you said you are trying to avoid. YOU HAVE TO SAY lT TO HER STRAlGHT FORWARD AND Assertively! There is no other way to handle this type of personality. Trust me l was exactly her, and she will grow out of it as long as the people around her (you, for one) do not enable her behavior. lt is not conducive of a successful and responsible lifestyle. When you are pretty, people tend to let things slide more easily and more often and she has been accustomed to that for an extended period of her life. When people accept the things a person does consistently, that person begins to believe that what they are doing is acceptable. She needs a small shove, not a reassuring back rub.

 

ASSERTlVNESS is key though. A Passive approach or an aggressive approach will not improve her or the situation. They wlll both only exhaust YOU!

[thegreatesthumphrey]

Oh and the girl has to be willing to change once you approach her about it. You can only tell by her actions, NOT BY WHAT SHE SAYS. lf she stays on board, you can expect a good turn around in one to two years. But you should always be able to see and feel improvment even if it is only a little at a time.

 

Even if you guys dont stay together, at least you did the honorable thing and tried to steer her in the right direction toward a decent future filled with less stress and chaos. That would be comendable.

[thegreatesthumphrey]

What does her room look like at home?

 

Get a large, covered, decorative basket at Target. Everything she leaves around, first ask her once to pick it up, and if she ignores you, then toss it in that basket just commenting once that you bought it for her stuff. Then when she is looking for something, tell her it's in the basket. If she complains, tell her that if she doesn't want you to put it in the basket, she will have to put it away herself. Otherwise you will throw it away. Do it! "I thought you didn't want it because you left it on the floor so I threw it out."

 

Or you could do what my grandma did if we kids left our toys out. She'd tell us to put them away only one time. If we ignored her, she threw them away. We learned to be tidy in a hurry!

 

This is true. Cleanliness, respect for material things, and others possesions are all things you are supposed to learn as a child to become an effective adult. Some where along the lines, she was either never taught or it was never consistently enforced on her when she was growing up. She is not necessarily all to blame, but no one is perfect (parents nor kids), and that is what makes us all unique. She still needs to be taught, and at this point in life it may be to hard for her to change much of her lifestyle and thought processes on her own. (l went through this same thing.) The only factor is she truly has to be willing. She has to internally see this as a true fault (which you said she doesn't by her stating she didnt think it was that big of deal) and then she has to have a clear goal and vision of improvement. She cannot view it as change, but progress. She has to sincerely view your help as help, help that she doesnt want to lose, and advice that she doesnt want to waste. lf she respects you, she will change. lf she doesnt, then she wont.

[Medium.Lumo]

Win, interesting comments from someone who has been in a similar position. Thanks.

 

In her case I'm not really sure what happened. I know she was spoiled by her parents but she didn't become bratty. She is a lovely person. I honestly can't remember ever seeing her lashing out or getting aggressive or sulky. I have seen her getting upset (and at that point I capped on the guy who was upsetting her).

 

But she has never gotten angry with me and fighting with her is next to impossible because she's so sweet!

 

Some here have suggested I'm only using her body... that's completely untrue. There are a lit of things I think are amazing about her.

 

This is true. Cleanliness, respect for material things, and others possesions are all things you are supposed to learn as a child to become an effective adult. Some where along the lines, she was either never taught or it was never consistently enforced on her when she was growing up. She is not necessarily all to blame, but no one is perfect (parents nor kids), and that is what makes us all unique. She still needs to be taught, and at this point in life it may be to hard for her to change much of her lifestyle and thought processes on her own. (l went through this same thing.) The only factor is she truly has to be willing. She has to internally see this as a true fault (which you said she doesn't by her stating she didnt think it was that big of deal) and then she has to have a clear goal and vision of improvement. She cannot view it as change, but progress. She has to sincerely view your help as help, help that she doesnt want to lose, and advice that she doesnt want to waste. lf she respects you, she will change. lf she doesnt, then she wont.

[Medium.Lumo]

It's arbitrary. Some people know right away, others like to wait. It's that whole "depends on the relationship" thing.

 

That's about what I thought.

 

It's not like we're strangers. We knew each other quite well already and had spent a lot of time together alone, held hands, made out, etc, just as friends.

[lollipopspot]

You are sooooo overreacting.....you have a nice and sweet gf and she is messy....so the heck what? My wife can't fold laundry worth a damn and her in ability to load a dishwasher is the house joke. You can tell where she has been due to her clothes and blankets, magazines, drink glasses strewn behind her. I am OCD neat, product of the military. I have never said a word about it because she is awesome in every other way. She is the kindest, most generous person I know and her mess is just an extension of her. In the grand scheme of things, it is irrelevant to my quality of life if I have to pick a few things up here and there, refold clothes and reload the dishwasher.

Chill,

Grumps

 

I agree with this. OP, if you are with someone who creates clutter, for whom it's a lifelong pattern, this can be very difficult to change. A large part of the reason is that they don't "see" the mess, it just doesn't register. Some of this may be just the nature of their system, what they notice and what bothers them. Another part is probably early training and enforcement - hang up all your clothes, put them in a hamper, don't leave paperwork and projects lying around, etc. I notice that more creative types often have a much harder time being regimented about their space and clutter.

 

I know this because I have the same problem. And I have tried to change. Sincerely wanted to change and become a super neat person. But I find it stressful and can't seem to sustain it. To some degree it's asking a square peg to fit into a round hole.

 

If it's not tolerable for you to live with, it may be a basic incompatibility. Because I'm not sure that she can change it and sustain it.

 

There may be some ways to work around it, other than demanding that she be neater everywhere. Maybe she can have one room or space that is hers to deposit her unfinished projects and such. Maybe she can have a box in the backseat of your car into which all of the little pieces of paper and junk or whatever she's leaving around can go. If you are willing to help contain her things - a basket in every room that you can put her discarded things into, etc. - and then maybe help put away things in the baskets every week - then it can probably work. I'd say to work with her on this and figure out a more creative solution than just asking her to change a deep seated habit.

[Medium.Lumo]

Thanks Innocent Man and Grumpy. Good posts.

 

I tend to agree. I Am probably overreacting. She's sweet. She's hot. I should really just let most of it go. I've told her my main concerns. She's agreed with the main points and i'm hopeful we can move forward

 

 

You are sooooo overreacting.....you have a nice and sweet gf and she is messy....so the heck what? My wife can't fold laundry worth a damn and her in ability to load a dishwasher is the house joke. You can tell where she has been due to her clothes and blankets, magazines, drink glasses strewn behind her. I am OCD neat, product of the military. I have never said a word about it because she is awesome in every other way. She is the kindest, most generous person I know and her mess is just an extension of her. In the grand scheme of things, it is irrelevant to my quality of life if I have to pick a few things up here and there, refold clothes and reload the dishwasher.

Chill,

Grumps

[Medium.Lumo]

You're right. Perhaps the basket route is the way to go.

 

 

I agree with this. OP, if you are with someone who creates clutter, for whom it's a lifelong pattern, this can be very difficult to change. A large part of the reason is that they don't "see" the mess, it just doesn't register. Some of this may be just the nature of their system, what they notice and what bothers them. Another part is probably early training and enforcement - hang up all your clothes, put them in a hamper, don't leave paperwork and projects lying around, etc. I notice that more creative types often have a much harder time being regimented about their space and clutter.

 

I know this because I have the same problem. And I have tried to change. Sincerely wanted to change and become a super neat person. But I find it stressful and can't seem to sustain it. To some degree it's asking a square peg to fit into a round hole.

 

If it's not tolerable for you to live with, it may be a basic incompatibility. Because I'm not sure that she can change it and sustain it.

 

There may be some ways to work around it, other than demanding that she be neater everywhere. Maybe she can have one room or space that is hers to deposit her unfinished projects and such. Maybe she can have a box in the backseat of your car into which all of the little pieces of paper and junk or whatever she's leaving around can go. If you are willing to help contain her things - a basket in every room that you can put her discarded things into, etc. - and then maybe help put away things in the baskets every week - then it can probably work. I'd say to work with her on this and figure out a more creative solution than just asking her to change a deep seated habit.

[crederer]

The problem is that she is good to me in a lot of other ways, and she really is a lovely person. I don't want to rock the boat so to speak.

 

I haven't read the whole thread but if you give a mouse a cookie, it's gunna want some milk. Or give her an inch, she'll take a mile. You gotta stop it now before you end up like a prisoner with no say in anything.

[Bigcitydreamer]

Thanks but I don't want to do this.

 

She's so sweet and beautiful, I won't get another girl like this.

 

She also does a lot for me... gets me a lot of gifts, writes me sweet messages, wants me to spend time with her at her folks, I don't believe she is intentionally disrespecting me.

 

I just have to find a way to put the point across in a firm but kind way. Being angry with her is very difficult. She can melt me pretty easily.

 

I haven't read through all the responses-8 pages!!

 

But I hope someone suggested that she most definitely isn't "trying" to disrespect you. She's probably just messy. A lot of people don't like though and that's fine- but if its a big deal to you, you need to sit her down and have a serious conversation about it. Not these little random remarks that make it unclear how much it truly bothers you.

 

Tell her how you feel and be serious about it. Explain you can't live with the mess and its something that's VERY important for you so could she clean up her mess for your sake. She will likely understand that and want to make you happy and therefor try harder.

[Medium.Lumo]

I haven't read the whole thread but if you give a mouse a cookie, it's gunna want some milk. Or give her an inch, she'll take a mile. You gotta stop it now before you end up like a prisoner with no say in anything.

 

I know what you are saying but it's complicated. I don't believe in treating women badly either. I know some people including one of my friends says you should never treat a woman too well or she will take you for granted, but I have seen too many stories of broken relationships because the guy was an ass.

 

Also... my chances of getting another girl like her are zero. I know it sounds pathetic but it's true. I also have deep feelings for her and want to make it work.

 

I'm going to confront her but in a very gentle way. I've already talked to her about some of the stuff but don't want to look like a major whiner so I'm taking baby steps.

[veggirl]

A lot of people have mentioned this on this thread.

 

What do YOU think is the appropriate time in a relationship to let her move in?

 

And I am a man, not a puppy, thanks!

 

The reason people (well, I) say you sound like a puppy dog is because you went on and on about how you can't even TALK to your GIRLFRIEND about absolutely normal, healthy boundaries. It makes you look pathetic and like you have no balls.

 

And I'd say no moving in prior to a year of dating, esp if you don't have dating experience, which I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that you don't.

 

LOL I certainly wouldn't consider the appropriate time frame to be ONE WEEK. hahaha.

[Medium.Lumo]

Thanks veggie but I'm not a puppy dog. In fact when someone was upsetting her I was the one who talked back to him - she didn't. It's because she's too sweet and doesn't get angry, but you could say it makes her more of a puppy dog than me if you wanted to go that route.

 

I also have voiced some of my concerns but not all. I want to break up the requests into easily digest able chunks for her so as not to overwhelm her with complaints.

 

The reason people (well, I) say you sound like a puppy dog is because you went on and on about how you can't even TALK to your GIRLFRIEND about absolutely normal, healthy boundaries. It makes you look pathetic and like you have no balls.

 

And I'd say no moving in prior to a year of dating, esp if you don't have dating experience, which I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that you don't.

 

LOL I certainly wouldn't consider the appropriate time frame to be ONE WEEK. hahaha.

[Emilia]

Thanks veggie but I'm not a puppy dog. In fact when someone was upsetting her I was the one who talked back to him - she didn't. It's because she's too sweet and doesn't get angry, but you could say it makes her more of a puppy dog than me if you wanted to go that route.

 

I also have voiced some of my concerns but not all. I want to break up the requests into easily digest able chunks for her so as not to overwhelm her with complaints.

Not really. She is just doing the passive submissive female thing. She is getting what she wants because you can't set your boundaries.

[clia]

I also have voiced some of my concerns but not all. I want to break up the requests into easily digest able chunks for her so as not to overwhelm her with complaints.

 

If you have so many complaints about her behavior after one week of dating that you need to break them up into chunks for her to be able to digest them all, then I truly can't imagine what you are in for as the relationship progresses. And it isn't mean to request that she be an adult and clean up after herself. It's a shame her parents didn't teach her that behavior in the first place.

 

Also, please don't rush moving in together. You are so young! (Says the old lady...)

[Medium.Lumo]

Not really. She is just doing the passive submissive female thing. She is getting what she wants because you can't set your boundaries.

 

Interesting... What is that? I've never heard of it...