purplesorrow Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 He cheated with her for 18 months. In my eyes he threw away our marriage for an affair. (Also learned of 2 ons when I discovered the affair). If it was worth the risk, why didn't he just leave. Dday I gave him the easy out. 50/50 custody, no spousal or child support and I wouldn't tell anyone. He never spoke to or contacted her after dday as far as I know. (How can you do that?) A year later he is still fighting the divorce. I am angry that I had to pull the plug because he wouldn't. How can you love someone and lie and cheat? And now he has worked so hard to change and make amends. I just don't have the courage nor heart to stay. I feel guilty about all the betrayed who wish for a remorseful spouse. Sorry, just venting I guess. Anyone been here? 4
beach Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Maybe because he knew divorce would change everything.
Author purplesorrow Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 He wasn't the man I knew during his affair. I knew something was off but he just kept lying. So, his affair changed everything. 5
nais Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 so let go. If you wanted to understand why, you would have sought counseling. You wanted a divorce, now let it go. He is chasing because he is losing what he was not prepared to lose. Cheating isn't always about leaving, it can be about discovering where someone really wants to be. Not all men who cheat has it in their minds the other woman is better than or more important than home, it is something to do. His reasons could have been, wanting to try something more freaky than he would ask to try with you, could have been a need for a different form of attention, who knows? You reacted, made a decision, now want to dissect his actions... no longer your life to worry about. Let it go 6
violet1 Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I think the decision to R is a very difficult and painful choice to make. My H did choose to R with me after our D Day. However, I broke our vows and I told him to decide what he wanted to do with our M. I'm thankful he made the choice he did, but I would have understood if he had chosen to go the D route. I think the BS has to do what's right for themselves. For some people, cheating is an ultimate dealbreaker. It's something they can never get over so D is their best option. For others, they are capable of forgiving infidelity and moving past it. Neither choice is right or wrong IMO. 7
Arieswoman Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I really feel for you purplesorrow, because I've been there. My exH cheated for 7 months. When I asked him why he didn't just leave for the OW he said it was because "he didn't know what he wanted". I realised then that he was a selfish, lying POS who was prepared to risk our marriage because he couldn't make his mind up. I couldn't live with that and asked him to leave and started divorce proceedings. Let's face it, if he couldn't decide between us then he couldn't have wanted either of us very much ! He stalled all the way, not answering solicitors letters, not turning up for appointments, refusing to allow the house to be sold etc. Finally I had to apply get a Court Order to get the house sold. I think at that point he realised that he's blown it and he capitulated. I spent months turning it all over and over again in my mind trying to make some sense of it all, until I nearly made myself ill. I never got a proper explanation (or even an apology). It is always the BS spouse who suffers whether they choose to divorce or reconcile, and sadly nothing can change that. Those of us who are BSs have to make the best we can of a situation not of our choosing. 5
Author purplesorrow Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 But I did go to counseling. Divorce or not this is still my life and I have a desire to understand. If he wasn't prepared to lose, he shouldn't have risked it. So yes I want to understand why one would throw it away for someone he didn't consider worth it? He threw us away for nothing? 2
waterwoman Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 But I did go to counseling. Divorce or not this is still my life and I have a desire to understand. If he wasn't prepared to lose, he shouldn't have risked it. So yes I want to understand why one would throw it away for someone he didn't consider worth it? He threw us away for nothing? Of course you need to understand. Your marriage came to an end because of something your spouse chose to do. You felt that you were handed a fair accompli. Why they hell shouldn't you ponder and ask questions? I ask why and how and what went wrong, all the time. 3
Lernaean_Hydra Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 But I did go to counseling. Divorce or not this is still my life and I have a desire to understand. If he wasn't prepared to lose, he shouldn't have risked it. So yes I want to understand why one would throw it away for someone he didn't consider worth it? He threw us away for nothing? I understand you're still looking for answers but you may just have to accept the fact that really, there isn't one, or at least not one that would likely be to your personal satisfaction. I reckon in hismind, he didn't see what he was doing as throwing anything away. Most cheaters expect never to be caught and even the ones that do often expect they'll be forgiven. In reality, while sure many people cheat for very specific reasons (unsatisfactory marital sex life, ego boots, etc) just as many do so for practically no discernible reason. I know a woman who has a seemingly stable, great relationship (very affectionate, lots of love, fun tri-annual vacations, etc) who has been having an affair for YEARS and all because she found out she could get away with it. People do a lot of things just because they can or for the thrill of getting away with something sinister. Look at all those rich ladies who shoplift things they could easily afford. Look at people who embezzle company funds or run ponzi schemes even though they have all the money in the world. They do it BECAUSE THEY CAN. Your husband (stbx?) appears to have cheated because he wanted to and thought he could and nothing more. To be honest, your marriage probably played little role in his decision to cheat, as in, he likely never once stopped to think, "Hey, you know what, if I stick my penis here it could be the end of everything as I know it." He wanted a bit on the side but likely still loved you (twisted as it sounds) and thought he could cake eat to his hearts content. He was wrong and he's finding that out now. 5
Spark1111 Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 hey purple sorrow, your writing my story; 18-month affair told him I'd split assets and divorce amicably, but told closest family and friends because based on the text I stumbled upon I really thought he wanted to divorce me but lacked the courage to tell me. being with his soulmate was the last thing he wanted and no one was more surprised than I. It went pssssst in about 3 weeks with occasional contact for 3 months. Every time I discovered contact, I threw him out again. I took me 3 years to find peace and we are happily reconciled. I have concluded the affair had little to nothing to do with me and more to do with what was lacking in him. he loved the way she made him feel, but did not truly love the AP. It was just selfish, selfish, selfish......and adolescent. The hardest hurdle for me to overcome was if I could forgive all the lies AND if I could ever respect him again. If you know you cannot, the hats of to you! Divorce will free you from all this n certainty and confusion. 5
Author purplesorrow Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 That sounds like my struggle. I didn't and still don't want a divorce. I struggle with respecting a decision to stay. I don't want to punish him nor us. He deserves someone who will love him without reservations. Neither path looks easy. No matter which decision I made, there would always be some doubt if it were or is the right one. I don't think it was about me. But I do think an affair is about as personal as a betrayal can get. So very sad. 6
Furious Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 He cheated with her for 18 months. In my eyes he threw away our marriage for an affair. (Also learned of 2 ons when I discovered the affair). If it was worth the risk, why didn't he just leave. Dday I gave him the easy out. 50/50 custody, no spousal or child support and I wouldn't tell anyone. He never spoke to or contacted her after dday as far as I know. (How can you do that?) A year later he is still fighting the divorce. I am angry that I had to pull the plug because he wouldn't. How can you love someone and lie and cheat? And now he has worked so hard to change and make amends. I just don't have the courage nor heart to stay. I feel guilty about all the betrayed who wish for a remorseful spouse. Sorry, just venting I guess. Anyone been here? Most cheaters have no intention to either stay in or leave their marriage. They chose limbo land....a place where they don't have to make a choice. It's a win win for a cheater. How convenient for them to deserve both a marriage and a gf/bf on the side. Of course, to sustain this double life includes mental gymnastics to justify this. Selfishness and entitlitment are disguised, as they the cheater, dons a a victim stance, where they highlight guilt and altruism as the optiscal that prevents them to leave for the affair partner and in most cases the affair partners buys this hook line and sinker. On the other hand the WS uses deceit and is very careful to hide their lies and tracks from their spouse in order manipulate and controll this limbo land they have constructed. Many cheaters are in shock and actually ill prepared for a d-day. The enomourmous effort they put into feeding limbo land usually involves a sense of denial they will ever get caught. 6
snappytomcat Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 purple,im so sorry you are going through this my husband had a 3 year,long distance affair,and I felt like you if he loved her so much and she was his true soulmate,then why didn't he just make things easier,and go be with her,the fact is compartmentalized,his feelings for her,sure he felt this way about her in the bubble of the affair,but when push came to shove on dday he begged me to stay and work on our marriage,and our mc said for me not to make any decisions in the emotional state I was in right after dday' and when I finally saw what she looked like,that knocked me on my ass,that he could throw away what we had for something that looked like her(now I know it would still hurt if she was attractive)but I guess in my fragile state at the time,my thought was how could this unattractive,obese woman be so worth throwing it all away,and she didn't even have youth in her favor either,shes 12 years older. as ive come to learn since dday,it truly wasn't about looks,it was ego stroking,and telling him everything he wanted to hear,i also thought that there was no way I could ever trust,or believe anything he ever said to me,since he proved he could be a master liar,and deceiver,but now 9 months since dday,we are well on the road to recovery,he had to be an open book,which he has,hes done everything in his power to show me he loves me,and wants our marriage to work,and little by little the trust is coming back,i wont be as trusting as I once was,thats for sure,and this amazes me cause I never would have thought,that I could even trust him a little,its a hard long road,but worth it whatever you decide to do,i wish you all the luck in the world,just take care of yourself,and no your not alone,sadly many of us know the pain you are in 1
nais Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 But I did go to counseling. Divorce or not this is still my life and I have a desire to understand. If he wasn't prepared to lose, he shouldn't have risked it. So yes I want to understand why one would throw it away for someone he didn't consider worth it? He threw us away for nothing? Now live! it is done, over with and I know how it may hurt you to think of someone who could not respect you and honor what you felt was sacred, but to dwell on it wont help you. You decided to be strong, to uphold your values... do not worry about what someone else is doing or why they did anything to begin with. Counseling to me would have been to learn how to move on together in the marriage, then you would have had a right to understand. However, counseling now would be to support your decision, not to wallow in what he did- your comparing yourself to someone who is not a MF (motha F*ckin) factor- you were the wife not her- so why then is it important to know why she could not be a wife to him. Let It Go!
Author purplesorrow Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 And when I am satisfied, that is when I will move on. He doesn't disappear from my life, we have a very young child. I wasn't comparing myself to her, there is none. She is who she is and I am who I am. I wouldn't want to be her. I wouldn't want a married man to see in me an easy lay like he did her. I was married for 12 years. I will work through this the way I see fit. And if that is to currently want to understand so be it. It doesn't matter what you thought our counseling should have been for, I know what it was for. 7
Spark1111 Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 And when I am satisfied, that is when I will move on. He doesn't disappear from my life, we have a very young child. I wasn't comparing myself to her, there is none. She is who she is and I am who I am. I wouldn't want to be her. I wouldn't want a married man to see in me an easy lay like he did her. I was married for 12 years. I will work through this the way I see fit. And if that is to currently want to understand so be it. It doesn't matter what you thought our counseling should have been for, I know what it was for. I too had to overturn every rock, email, text, trip, dinner and call. I needed to understand how I was so duped and betrayed. I was obsessed with trying to understand how I was living one reality in my universe and an alternate reality I knew nothing about was going on right under my nose. That rocked my world to have my perception of my own reality stolen from me. Initially I was relieved at DDay. It explained the WHY of his behavior, of his seemingly falling out of love with me. If you are truly on the fence, then it is time to play hardball. Do you have every detail you need to know from him? cell phone records. Do you know how to contact the OW should you want to ask her a question or two? did he write a timeline of events? how he contacted her? where were you when he did? How does HE feel about that now? Are you both living in limbo? or are you taking serious steps to move on with your life, either with him or without him? 5
Author purplesorrow Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 (edited) I made him leave 10 months ago. We have to be physically separated here for a year before I can file for divorce. Only my heart Is in limbo. I can respect the changes he is making and I do appreciate his efforts. I'm just afraid I won't be able to fully let it go and as I said I don't want to punish him. I have had everything since before dday. I was collecting evidence in case I decided to sue both her and him. You can sue the mistress here, but that just isn't my style. I have talked to her twice, but not to ask any questions. Just to make it know that there was a real family behind that man she was aiming to please. I wasn't rude, didn't call her any names and I wished her well. She was so angry at me? The second time was her calling to apologize for her part in the affair. His very first email to her was I really love my wife and have no plans to leave. Breaks my heart, because I felt he already left just by spending any kind of time with a woman that he didn't want me to know about. How are you now Spark111? Edited March 25, 2014 by purplesorrow corrected the user name I was responding to 1
Oberfeldwebel Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 But I did go to counseling. Divorce or not this is still my life and I have a desire to understand. If he wasn't prepared to lose, he shouldn't have risked it. So yes I want to understand why one would throw it away for someone he didn't consider worth it? He threw us away for nothing? The problem is you are want to find logic in an illogical situation. He wanted to eat his cake and have it too. This really had nothing to do with the OW, it has to do with him and his selfishness. Foolishly he never thought he would get caught, so he didn't intend to risk anything. In hindsight he realizes how truly foolish he had been and wants to reconcile your relationship. There is no right or wrong answer to reconciliation. Some people immediately want to reconcile, while others are in the one and done camp. The thing is that you have to decide this for yourself, you have to be true to yourself. Just know that what he did is foolish and doesn't make sense. 7
Spark1111 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 I made him leave 10 months ago. We have to be physically separated here for a year before I can file for divorce. Only my heart Is in limbo. I can respect the changes he is making and I do appreciate his efforts. I'm just afraid I won't be able to fully let it go and as I said I don't want to punish him. I have had everything since before dday. I was collecting evidence in case I decided to sue both her and him. You can sue the mistress here, but that just isn't my style. I have talked to her twice, but not to ask any questions. Just to make it know that there was a real family behind that man she was aiming to please. I wasn't rude, didn't call her any names and I wished her well. She was so angry at me? The second time was her calling to apologize for her part in the affair. His very first email to her was I really love my wife and have no plans to leave. Breaks my heart, because I felt he already left just by spending any kind of time with a woman that he didn't want me to know about. How are you now Spark111? wow! me too, civil as the day is long, although I NEVER got an apology.....unless her unblocked FB postings count. She was so arrogant and contemptuous of me, then sobbing and moaning. It was maybe the most bizarre 3-minute phone call of my life. I also contemplated a nuisance suit in civil court. I probably would not have won, but half of every dime he spent on her belonged to me and OUR children. I did not do it either, but was oh so tempted. When I threw him out to be with his soulmate, he started stalking me! doubt she knew it. when he started crying at HER kitchen table of how much he wanted to go home because he loved me, she was WAAAY too kind to him. She should have been hurling plates at his head like I was in my kitchen. Somehow, he would have respected her more for it I believe. but she was hoping we'd implode and she could nice him back. He was keeping her as his Plan B soft landing, in case I divorced him. it took 4 months for him to insist she stop calling him. I insisted on nothing. She thought they could still be friends and talk four times a day. I said when I can talk to my xBFs 4 times a day. THAT he got! So jealous. Go figure. today, honestly? I feel sorry for the both of them. two needy insecure people, damsels and damsels in distress, who risked it all to tell each other how wonderful they both were. Yet, they reinforced how misunderstood and unappreciated they were in their fantasy affair bubble. pathetic, no? keep reading purple....not just here, but anything by Dr. frank Pittman, Dr. Shirley Glass, Peggy Vaughn, Divorce Busters, Marriage Builders and psych sites. educate yourself to affairs....and how they are NOT about you. Then, make your decision. the OW? more affairs with MM, more BFs, instability in her personal life despite her professional life. hey, I wish everyone the peace that comes from introspection....and the fortitude to get there. 4
Author purplesorrow Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 He has lived with his parents the entire time. Thank you for the book suggestions. Thank you all for taking the time to respond. Peace to you all. 2
WhiteOrchid Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 He cheated with her for 18 months. In my eyes he threw away our marriage for an affair. (Also learned of 2 ons when I discovered the affair). If it was worth the risk, why didn't he just leave. Dday I gave him the easy out. 50/50 custody, no spousal or child support and I wouldn't tell anyone. He never spoke to or contacted her after dday as far as I know. (How can you do that?) A year later he is still fighting the divorce. I am angry that I had to pull the plug because he wouldn't. How can you love someone and lie and cheat? And now he has worked so hard to change and make amends. I just don't have the courage nor heart to stay. I feel guilty about all the betrayed who wish for a remorseful spouse. Sorry, just venting I guess. Anyone been here? First of all, please don't feel guilty because you have a remorseful spouse. The fact is that everyone deals with infidelity differently. There is no right way or wrong way, you just have to do what is best for you. If you can't forgive his infidelity, you just can't. That is a perfectly valid decision and one you certainly don't have to make excuses for. As far as the whole "how can you love someone and lie and cheat" thing - cheaters compartmentalize. They rationalize. Many times they don't realize the horrible damage they have done until the sh*# hits the fan and they are faced with losing their family (as ridiculous as that sounds). They think no one will ever find out. They think they have good reasons for doing what they are doing. Until it all blows up, the fog lifts and they realize just the devastation of what they have done. As far as my own story, I was always very judgmental of BS who stayed with a WS. Several friends went through infidelity and reconciled and although I was outwardly supportive, I secretly thought they were nuts for doing so (while being thankful for my own husband, who I was sure would never do such a thing). I thought infidelity was an unforgivable sin - "once a cheater, always a cheater." I never in a million years thought I would ever give a cheater another chance. When I found out, I moved out and offered him an amicable divorce. He couldn't drop the OW fast enough (much to her chagrin - she had been hoping for D-Day, sure he would come running to her) and proceeded to completely change himself and fix what was wrong. Because of his efforts, to my great surprise, I was able to give him another chance. Eight months out, he has been consistently doing everything he promised. It's amazing really. We are happier than we have been in a long time. It is so strange. Do I still think about the infidelity? Every day. Do I have to fight the urge to throw it in his face? Of course. But honestly, it is getting better. As he continues to prove himself, the pain diminishes and our new marriage builds. One thing I really struggled with at first was feeling like a fool, worrying that since I forgave him once, he would think he could do it again, and also worrying about what other people thought of me. But then I realized I just didn't care. I had to do what was right for me. After all we've been though, I'd be shocked if he cheats again. But if he does, he knows there will not be a third chance. Underneath it all, he is the person I love. A person who is striving to be better and fix himself. I could have moved on to another relationship, but there is no guarantee that I wouldn't have been cheated on again by someone else. Anyway, the point of all my rambling is that I do think a WS can change. But if you cannot forgive the infidelity, there is absolutely no shame in that. You need to do what is best for YOU and your situation. If divorce and moving on is best for you, then do it and don't look back. 4
Doneinne Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 "When I found out, I moved out and offered him an amicable divorce. He couldn't drop the OW fast enough (much to her chagrin - she had been hoping for D-Day, sure he would come running to her) and proceeded to completely change himself and fix what was wrong. Because of his efforts, to my great surprise, I was able to give him another chance. Eight months out, he has been consistently doing everything he promised. It's amazing really. We are happier than we have been in a long time. It is so strange. Do I still think about the infidelity? Every day. Do I have to fight the urge to throw it in his face? Of course. But honestly, it is getting better. As he continues to prove himself, the pain diminishes and our new marriage builds." My problem is with trust. It's been a few years since D-Day and things are going good, BUT...... I still find myself being suspicious. Is she really working late? Is she where she said she is? Is she secretly texting, e-mailing or face booking someone? It doesn't seem like I will ever fully trust her ever. (She did have more then one affair). 1
snappytomcat Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 I made him leave 10 months ago. We have to be physically separated here for a year before I can file for divorce. Only my heart Is in limbo. I can respect the changes he is making and I do appreciate his efforts. I'm just afraid I won't be able to fully let it go and as I said I don't want to punish him. I have had everything since before dday. I was collecting evidence in case I decided to sue both her and him. You can sue the mistress here, but that just isn't my style. I have talked to her twice, but not to ask any questions. Just to make it know that there was a real family behind that man she was aiming to please. I wasn't rude, didn't call her any names and I wished her well. She was so angry at me? The second time was her calling to apologize for her part in the affair. His very first email to her was I really love my wife and have no plans to leave. Breaks my heart, because I felt he already left just by spending any kind of time with a woman that he didn't want me to know about. How are you now Spark111? purple,i also spoke to the ow twice,and like you I was very respectful,i wish I could have called her nasty names,but that's not me,and in one of our convos,she even said my husband never spoke bad about me,and that he always loved me,i thought wtf?why did he cheat then,i was so confused,and she even apologized,after the 2nd convo,i asked her kindly not to ever contact me again,then she sent me an email,apologizing again,and said I would never hear from her again........then 2 weeks later I get bombarded by nasty emails,all their convos,nasty pics,she even threatened my children,this went on for months,i would block her,and she would just make a new gmail account,i never responded to her,until december,all I said was stop harassing me or I will report you to the authorities,and I don't think she believed me,so I did report her,and its been almost 2 months since ive heard anything from that crazy wacko ow,how my husband saw anything in her,is beyond my comprehension,he has no explanation,and just saying her name makes his skin crawl. I hope you are taking good care of yourself
ladydesigner Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 I always wondered this myself, "Why didn't he just leave for the OW?" I mean he kept seeing the xMOW after Dday while I thought we were in R. In fact it happened 4 times that I caught them. Finally with VAR I asked my fWH to leave and I made an appointment with a lawyer. From that day on there has been NC with the xMOW and my fWH has felt remorse for his actions. I love my fWH dearly, but I still often times feel highly disappointed in the dent in our M, especially the fact that I experienced False R. I'm not sure that is ever going to go away for me. I am a different person now just like my fWH is and we have a new M. The old one is dead and gone. 1
Recommended Posts