Ice Posted January 28, 2005 Posted January 28, 2005 Hi all, I would love some advice on a situation I’m in with my boyfriend right now. We’re both 22 and have been together for 10 months. Basically, he will randomly get extremely moody. I can deal with having a bad day, but these days come often and for days at a time. And during these days, he has no interest in anything. I don’t hear from him at all during these times, and it usually escalates into a fight when I ask if he’s ok. Just this past week, he had a really bad day and admitted something that I always knew. That he’s depressed. I asked him what I should do during these days where he just shuts down and he told me he didn’t know. So now I turn to you guys. Should I just leave him alone during those days? It’s hard because I do enjoy his company, so when I don’t talk to him or see him for like 4 days, I miss him. Sometimes being with him is like being on a rollercoaster with very high ups, and very low downs. His affection and attention towards me turns on and off all the time. And suggestions????
Truth Hammer Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 Get that man some help. They have drugs that can deal with that stuff. I think you're correct to leave him alone during these days, because he'll probably say stuff he doesn't mean during these days and then you'll be all mad at him.
kanga Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 Yes, agreed. You should be supportive and encourage him to talk to a professional if he admits to being depressed. If you're so not familiar with depression as a real medical issue, then you should read up on some of the material that's out there for friends of people with depression. Therapy, medication, probably a combination of both will be beneficial. Remember that you're not going to be able to cure the condition on your own. So be supportive while making sure you continue to take care of yourself.
debs Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 you sure the guy sis 22 he sounds like my 35 yr old exH!!!!!! If he doesn't get to the root of his emotional rollercoaster with some professional help, are you willing to ride the coaster? Me I jumped off on the down run and ran as fast I could to save my own sanity!!! Good luck, keep us posted!
eltherza Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 i have to admit i can be like your BF is sometimes, i go on mood swings and stuff, even gone as far as cutting myself with a knife. From my history i can say that he's prob just as confused as your are, and seeking help might do the trick but at the end of the day i think you should just let him know you'll stand by him, it's nice to have someone who believes in you and doesnt run away... if you want me to say more about how i felt and what made me get through it, send me a PM ok? my advise might not be the best, but maybe it'll give you some insight best of luck!
IceIceBaby Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 It's me again, I finally registered... Debs...I'm not sure I want to ride it anymore. Sometimes I feel like I just want to run because quite often he says things he doesn't mean and acts in ways that hurt me. But I don't want to just bail on him because he has told me numerous times that I mean so much to him. He has asked me to help him before, but it's impossible. And bringing up the idea of getting him professional help would not work. I think he would get really upset with me for even bringing that up. Anyone care to share with me how you PM on here???? Thanks...
Podna Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 I can tell you that dealing with someone with Bipolar Disorder (if that is indeed what he has) is not easy. My father suffered from Bipolar (Manic-Depressive) Disorder and without outside help you are fighting an uphill battle. Getting outside help would not really be up for debate if I were you.
eltherza Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 oh oops, i think they disabled PM on this message board!!! sorry about that, i dunno if it's against rules but you can send me an email if you want IceIceBaby, here's my email: [email protected], please just put your name as the topic of the mail EDIT: oh, i'm only really online on weekends so i'll get back to you on weekends
IceIceBaby Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 I had guessed that he might be bi-polar. I thought if he got professional help, they would diagnosis him with that. But that's a very hard topic to bring up. How do you suggest to someone that they should seek help? My boyfriend is not the easiest person to talk to. Today I spoke with him on the phone, and I expressed some hurt feelings I had about the fact that I had no seen him in two weeks and I missed him. He had been making no effort to see me either. He went out with friends Friday night, then Saturday night I said let's do something. He asked me to come to a concert with him, then called back saying not to come down because he wasn't going to go because he wasn't feeling well. I find out today he did in fact go and then hung out with his friends and all their girlfriends all night. That says to me he didn't really want me there. Then today I took him up on his offer from yesterday to go to another show with him and his friends. He then tells me today that he thought I wasn't going, and the show's really late and maybe I shouldn't go since I have work tommorow. And I'm trying to tell him I want to see him, and he seemed to be trying his hardest to get me to not go. So that escalated to a fight of me asking why he didn't want to spend time with me. Some mean things were said, I apologized, he told me he didn't think he had to apologize, and now I'm left as usual feeling like I did something wrong. Am I crazy or is this normal when dealing with someone who's depressed? It's just so emotionally draining...
CurvyGurl Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 Originally posted by IceIceBaby I had guessed that he might be bi-polar. I thought if he got professional help, they would diagnosis him with that. But that's a very hard topic to bring up. How do you suggest to someone that they should seek help? My boyfriend is not the easiest person to talk to. Today I spoke with him on the phone, and I expressed some hurt feelings I had about the fact that I had no seen him in two weeks and I missed him. He had been making no effort to see me either. He went out with friends Friday night, then Saturday night I said let's do something. He asked me to come to a concert with him, then called back saying not to come down because he wasn't going to go because he wasn't feeling well. I find out today he did in fact go and then hung out with his friends and all their girlfriends all night. That says to me he didn't really want me there. Then today I took him up on his offer from yesterday to go to another show with him and his friends. He then tells me today that he thought I wasn't going, and the show's really late and maybe I shouldn't go since I have work tommorow. And I'm trying to tell him I want to see him, and he seemed to be trying his hardest to get me to not go. So that escalated to a fight of me asking why he didn't want to spend time with me. Some mean things were said, I apologized, he told me he didn't think he had to apologize, and now I'm left as usual feeling like I did something wrong. Am I crazy or is this normal when dealing with someone who's depressed? It's just so emotionally draining... Doesn't sound like depression to me. Sounds like you're being dumped. A depressed person wouldn't have gone to the concert. He might be depressed but not depressed enough to not socialize. I think he's milked his moodyness for all it's worth.
IceIceBaby Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 CurvyGirl - I asked him if wanted out of the relationship. And he clearly said no. I had told him it was strange for him to find time for everyone else but me. I've given him the benefit of the doubt because he was sick all last week, but still...I'm his girlfriend. There's got to be time in there for me somewhere. We had a rocky relationship at the start due to his lack of showing emotion or affection. He expressed a desire for me to help him with that, and about 3 or 4 months ago, he changed so much. He told me he realized what a jerk he'd been and things were amazing after that. He would ask me if he was doing ok, if I was happy. And I was, I've been very happy and he's been so great. Everyone I talk to says he raves about me and says how perfect I am for him. And he has told me I'm the kind of person he'd want to settle down with. I just worry that his lack of happiness with himself is going to constanly affect our relationship. And I also wonder if I'm just too easy going. I don't ask alot of him. I never asked for him to remember anniversaries, we've never celebrated one. I always encourage him to go out on the weekends with his friends. But when I ask anything of him, like spending time with me this weekend, he makes me feel guilty and demanding. So I get annoyed, then I call him like I just did ten minutes ago and he's back to his old self. Telling me to "call him tommorow after work, have a good day tommorow, feel better babe, don't stress about all that went on with us today..." But when it all comes down to it...I do stress, and that's a big problem.
CurvyGurl Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 Hmmmmmmmmm. His behavior is certainly odd. Given the info you gave me, but looking at his behavior it doesn't match up. His actions say 'I don't want to be with you'. His mouth says something different. I'd be inclined to believe his actions.
Podna Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 He doesn’t sound that committed to me Baby. I am sure you are already aware of this, but sometime men don’t like to be alone. I hate to admit it but I have found myself in relationships where I really didn’t want to be in the relationship but didn’t want to be alone even more. When I was in those situations I would say what I had to say to keep the woman in my life thinking I wanted to be with her, but in the mean time I would be out looking to better deal her. What can I say? I have been a dog before.
IceIceBaby Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 Well that's a pretty sad thought. I sure hope he's not with me because I'm just someone to be with. I mean this is the guy who had a thing for me for a year before saying something because he didn't think "a girl like me would like a guy like him", and the guy who told his Mom how perfect I was for him. I honestly don't really doubt how much I mean to him, but like CurvyGirl said, his actions are so different sometimes. Then other times, they match up perfectly with the things he says. He has told me before that he has some trust issues and fear of being hurt since the last two girls he dated cheated on him. But I don't always buy that whole "I've been hurt before, and I can't trust now" line. Because I've been hurt before, and I usually don't hold back in a relationship. Unless I feel the other person is, like in this current situation.
babybear Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 Ice, I can totally relate! My bf and I have been together 3 yrs, and I posted something similar about how he never has time for me anymore, is always playing on the laptop, palm pilot etc., and when I do ask for some attention, he makes it out as if I'm some sort of overly needy girl. Lately, most conversations end up in fights - and I'm left wondering if I ever had a valid point to begin with! He wasn't always like this - it's like he has STOPPED trying. He works all week, and uses that as his week excuse, and on the weekends its up to Tahoe he goes for some snowboarding with the guys. I feel like saying - since you're tired all week, couldnt you reserve the weekend, or perhaps one day out of the weekend, JUST FOR ME???? Well, i have said that - but he reminds me that I need too much attention. Anyway, some truly lovely ppl on this forum have given me alot of advice on this issue. I think every rocky relationship has gotten rocky because of a number of things - I don't think it ever comes down to just one cause. If you're like me, you start out calmly, and end up in a yelling match with your bf. And then you sit home pondering what just happened, while he'll go out with his buddies like nothing happened. My advice to you - is to make yourself less available. He has plans Saturday nite? Well, you go round up your girls and go out with them. Don't beg him to invite you, and if he changes his mind, don't always be SO ready to get up and go. Or next weekend, YOU make plans, and don't invite him. If he wants to hang out, tell him you and (gf's name) are going to see a movie or whatever. Don't be mean, or smug, or spiteful, just not so flexible and accommodating. Maybe you and him have deep problems, maybe he feels smothered/suffocated, maybe you guys spend too much time together, or maybe he is just an a$$. I don't know which one it is, but focus on YOU. I asked mine if he wanted out, and he said no, so I broke up with him anyway. What did he do? He came over the next day like nothing was wrong, told me I'm so special to him, and on and on and on. It's been 3 yrs, so on some level we're pretty solid. So, I agreed not to break up, but I told him I needed SPACE for the next few days. We could talk, but I didn't really want to hang out. Getting him to open up about what is wrong is mission impossible too - but if he's going to be his moody/closed off self, I am not going to sit here and coax it out of him. Can't be his mom, ya know? Anyway, g-luck girl. You're just eventually going to get fed up with this, so I hope taking some space will bring you 2 closer together. Babybear
lostinlove0479 Posted February 4, 2005 Posted February 4, 2005 You know the only problem I have with advice is that people give you advice while recalling things that happen to them. This clouds the possibility for your circumstance to be different from what may be unimagineable/bullshyt/whatever to a person not in the situation and not knowing you. I say go with your gut. The answers lie in you. Just be honest with yourself. If you think that this is just you wanting to see him but not necessarily a problem, take it from there. Never mistake your own frustration as a problem in your relationship. Some questions you definitely need to ask yourself is: Is this the person you want to spend your life with? I say that b/c you obviously are tolerating behavior from your bf b/c he's not out right doing anything bad to you so it's not clear to leave or stay. The only reason you should stick around and be unsatisfied with not seeing him often or really at all is b/c you see other qualities in him that you think he could be the one! Otherwise, there's nothing wrong with going out with friends and getting YOUR life back aside from your relationship. I'm going thru a similar situation, you can check out my post. And even though, your situation has been going on a little longer than me and my guy, it's definitely aggravating to want to see someone and they not want to see you, for whatever reason. If you believe he is worth it and that he's being honest with you, stop pressuring him. I agree with the post that said make it like your not all that worried about it. See where that leads. Why do men have to be so difficult? I doubt very seriously that he doesn't want to see you anymore. I disagree that he's letting you off the hook or demoting you. Nobody is that nice or has that amount of time. Once feelings have been developed, it's not like casually dating. Although, he may be interested in doing other things and he is just used to u being there, therefore he gives you the shaft while doing as he pleases. You've told him how you felt and that hasn't worked. People will do what they want to do in their own time. And as he's proven, he is doing as he wants. I think you should put the relationship to the test and just see what happens. I know it's hard, but I have to follow my own advice as well. I pray this will work out in both of our favors! That is if you even take me up on my advice. Keep me posted, I'd like to know what happens. Good luck.
searchingasolution Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, he's always had a firey temper and sometimes it comes out of nowhere. he's recently finished studying and is looking for a job. he's such a loving and caring and emotional person sometimes he overwhelms me with his love, other times for no reason he has extreme mood swings that are extremely frustrating as they come from nowhere and he is totally unaproachable and im unable to reason with him. some times he tells me he loves me so much and cares for me and im a wonderful person and other times he tells me im a loser and nobody cares for me and that il never get anywhere in life. I know (although he would nt admit it) that most of the things he tells me are insecurities he has about himself he didnt get the grade he wanted and hasnt yet been offered the job he wants. he says hes not going to apply because hes too good for them but i know its because hes scared of rejection. hes very negative about peolpe and sometimes has days where he rants on about people and says people that peolpe in bars talk about him when they havent even noticed him! he shouts at me for hours about not buying bin bags or other irrelevent things, if I try to help him he says im trying to restrict him, when he calms down he appolagises and says he loves me and that im so kind for sticking with him and supporting him. I recently encouraged him to go back home (abroad) where he can be around his family in a nice environment which he did. he very much blaims everyone for everything. He also smokes dope which makes him a million times worse. he has said hes depressed some times and that he wants to get help he also says he'll stop smoking because of the way it makes him feel. I sometimes wish he could just be normal so we could work through the problems that he has but his mood swings make it immpossible. he also has family history of addiction and bipolar. hes told me hes scared of being the same. some people think hes jsut a brat and hes losing friends, I dont know whats wrong with him or what to do anymore, today i feel like hes pushed me too far and i dont want to help its really getting too much and i need some advice i dont want to leave him because he'll feel deserted
IceIceBaby Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 Wow, I can't believe someone found this old post of mine! No worries though, we've been broken up since April. Girls, if you're in this type of relationship or anything slightly similar...GET OUT. They don't change for you as much as you'd like them to.
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