lingering questions

[rec88]

So I’m waaaay past this breakup and doing well, but I've identified one thing that still bothers me which is the fact that my ex never took responsibility for her actions or acknowledged the effect they had on me. It was part of this bad tendency she had of ignoring her problems and avoiding uncomfortable situations. This time I was the collateral damage. Her behavior was driven by fear of being seen as the bad guy and resulted in her doing some really disrespectful things. There's no excuse for that, no matter how unintended. When I hurt someone, I acknowledge it and tell them so. You don't need to claim fault if you don’t feel you were wrong, just tell them "I see your pain, and I understand that I caused it." Sometimes in life we just disagree, and sometimes these disagreements will end relationships.

 

I feel that part of ending a relationship with grace is saying, "I knowingly did something that hurt you very badly, and I'm sorry for that." I never got that. Instead I was given justifications and intentions, and that frustrates me still. I know that a friendship can never happen while this goes unaddressed, and I’m fine with that. But the fact that it continues to be avoided bothers me. It shouldn't as it is not my responsibility, but I guess there are lingering feelings of disrespect. Does anyone have any insight as to why I'm feeling this way, and what I can do to end it?

[mtnbiker3000]

Dumpers rationalize and justify their actions. In their mind, they did nothing wrong. They villanize you and turn everything onto you... Very common!!

[rec88]

I know this. I'm not asking why she does it. It's entirely possible that this has never crossed her mind. It would be beneficial for her to understand, but not my concern.

 

What I'm trying to understand is why this is still affecting me... What am I missing?

[BC1980]

You can't force someone to admit they did something bad. People will go to the ends of the earth and come up with all kinds of justification for things. You have to realize that you can't control another person. You also need to realize that each person views the relationship and breakup differently. Let me ask you why it even matters if she is sorry or not? Why does it matter to you moving forward? Because if you are so way past this breakup, you shouldn't be worried about it.

[Poppyolive]

I feel you. I too feel the same way. For me if I was to hurt someone...I could not let time go by without taking responsibility and at the very least acknowledge the pain/hurt caused. Sleeping at night knowing someone I hurt is hurting... With that I have a difficult time understanding how one could avoid/ignore their actions, side stepping responsibilities...but not everyone is like that....perhaps taking responsibility allowing a vulnerable side to show is too much for such a character....they may have other characteristics that they excel at. I think it comes down to mindfulness vs mindlessness. You may never get that apology, acknowledgement and you certainly can't force it. But I do genuinely think deep down they know...every time it pops up they push it away...creating a sadness that remains in them.

 

My advice friend is forgive & let go with the understanding that they simply do not have the tools to man/woman up. Why should you allow it to continue to create anger/sadness within...when I get in a funk about it...I say I cannot allow a future friendship with someone who cannot acknowledge/accept what they've done, and I say to myself forgive, let go, breath they simply do not know how to be mindful and can ever be a friend. You deserve better friendships/relationships with someone on par with how you treat others. Let them off to find a mirrored friendship...and only when it affects them...only then they may understand.

[BC1980]

What I'm trying to understand is why this is still affecting me... What am I missing?

 

This is a better question, and it's really hard to get past. It was a big stumbling block for me and is for a lot of others. The constant need to force your narrative of the breakup on someone else. The want to shame the other party into feeling really bad about what they did. I think it's entirely normal to feel these things, but I've found that diverting my thoughts onto myself is helpful. I just kept telling myself that it didn't matter for my future. It never would have mattered if my ex had admitted 100% fault and begged for forgiveness. The outcome was always going to be the same. What if he had blamed me completely? It doesn't matter because it's over. You've having an argument with yourself, and it's totally fruitless.

 

Throw all of that mental energy into yourself.

[BC1980]

I feel you. I too feel the same way. For me if I was to hurt someone...I could not let time go by without taking responsibility and at the very least acknowledge the pain/hurt caused. Sleeping at night knowing someone I hurt is hurting... With that I have a difficult time understanding how one could avoid/ignore their actions, side stepping responsibilities...but not everyone is like that....perhaps taking responsibility allowing a vulnerable side to show is too much for such a character....they may have other characteristics that they excel at.

 

But see the problem is that people view the relationship differently. That's something I had a really difficult time coming to terms with. My ex viewed our relationship in a different light and felt his actions were warranted. I felt betrayed to say the least. I'm sure my ex felt that he did all he was bound to do by simply apologizing that he hurt me because he's not seeing things the way I see them.

 

All of it becomes rather pointless then doesn't it? Just move on and work on yourself. It's exhausting to try to control the breakup narrative and force it on the other person. Just leave it be.

[mtnbiker3000]

What I'm trying to understand is why this is still affecting me... What am I missing?

 

The answers to this could be infinite. I'd start with looking at co-dependencey and low-self esteem...

[mtnbiker3000]

I feel you. I too feel the same way. For me if I was to hurt someone...I could not let time go by without taking responsibility and at the very least acknowledge the pain/hurt caused. Sleeping at night knowing someone I hurt is hurting... With that I have a difficult time understanding how one could avoid/ignore their actions, side stepping responsibilities...but not everyone is like that....perhaps taking responsibility allowing a vulnerable side to show is too much for such a character....they may have other characteristics that they excel at. I think it comes down to mindfulness vs mindlessness. You may never get that apology, acknowledgement and you certainly can't force it. But I do genuinely think deep down they know...every time it pops up they push it away...creating a sadness that remains in them.

 

Again, they feel they have done nothing wrong. Their conscious is clear. And I disagree that they know deep down and just push it away. Nope. They're fine in their own minds...

[Stronger14]

I don't think getting her to apologize and take responsibility for her actions are going to help you. I don't think anything a dumper can say after a break up will make you feel better, nothing less than "I messed up and want you back".

 

Let's say she does say she's sorry - will it really change the situation? No, you still will be broken up. You shouldn't care if she does or doesn't, perhaps you are expecting her to apologize to start a conversation with you, so you can convince her that she made the wrong decision. In that case, you still want her back, and we all know that false hope is the worst thing in the world. I'm still trying to get rid of the hope, but I've come to expect nothing more from my ex; 3 months post bu, and nc ever since.