How did you cope with finding out ex is with someone

[Stronger14]

Hi all

 

This is my first post on ls. A background of my story - I dated my ex for 2.5 years, long distance relationship, after being friends with her for a while before that. She's 24 and lives in my hometown, I'm 22 and currently finishing up college. Everything about the relationship seemed to be going well, we spent a lot of time together, interacted with our families, and overall had what appeared to be a good relationship.. Even talked about the future, moving in together, marriage, kids, etc.

 

3 months ago, practically out of the blue, she ended it. There weren't really any major issues leading up to it. Her reasoning was that she wasn't happy anymore, and that our relationship was unhealthy, and she wanted to "find herself", but it wasn't about anyone else. Very vague, and I walked away from the breakup having very little answers of why. Idk how much of this so called gigs breakup I believe, but it sounds similar.

 

The past 3 months have been extremely hard for me. I've been on nc for 3 months, since the day we broke up. I haven't been on Facebook, and I've been hours away at school for most of the time. The only contact I've received was an email from her one month after the bu, a long email basically reiterating her reasons and saying that I was important to her and she cares about me, yet there was a lot she wanted to work on. She went on to ask how I was doing.. I replied back saying "we both know we can't be friends". And I haven't heard from her since.

 

The breakup has pretty much consumed my life - probably since I was codependent on her and relied so much on the relationship to be happy in life. Since the bu, I have researched endlessly on both ways to get her back, ways to heal, and ways to move on. I went straight into no contact from the start, without any begging, pleading, etc. although it's been tough to refrain from that sometimes.. I've followed some of the advice on ls and other sites, I've been going to the gym, reconnecting with my friends, going out to the bars and talking to girls, and overall trying to keep busy.. I still have some moments where I'm weak and thinking about her, but I've done my best to keep them at a minimum.. I've found comfort in listening to positive music (mostly house and edm) and going out.

 

In the past 3 months, I've really had a mix of emotion. I know I should be moving on and not thinking about her, yet a part of me still has hope for whatever reason. I'm still looking for that it factor.

 

Now to the advice I'm searching for - any thoughts on the situation? Also, I found out that she recently moved in with a friend (girl) in our hometown, which is contrary to her claim in her email that we are not ready to move in together, even though she was the one that always pressured me about it. Additionally, I found out from a mutual friend that she's been getting absurdly drunk and

going out a lot more, which is opposite of her previous personality. And to make matters worse, my friend told me that she's been talking to a few other guys, and to him it seems like she's hooked up since the breakup. I know now not to talk to any of my friends about my ex, as it just hurts more..

 

How did you deal and cope when learning that your ex was probably with someone else? I'm not taking the news too well, since I haven't had any girls since. I guess I was just surprised to learn that she was able to move on to someone else shortly after a 2.5 year relationship that seemed to be going well.

[barky2]

I dated myself.

 

As in I had fun on my own terms.

 

I concurred the word SINGLE.

 

In every way shape and form.

 

I did whatever I wanted, when I wanted , with whom I wanted to do it with.

 

I did a lot of partying, I knew I needed to get that out of my system.

 

And quite honestly I had a few flings, nothing serious..but enough to keep my mind off of it during the downtimes when I had no plans to meet up with friends.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[DontBreakEven]

Oh I feel for you.

 

First off, I want to say that I think you are doing remarkably well in your resolve to not speak to her, and to attempt to un-invite any information about her that you might find out. That takes a lot of strength, especially at your age. Bravo.

 

Personally, I find that when an ex does things unlike themselves after the break up (hard core partying, random hook ups, etc), it means that they are probably upset at some level as well.

 

My advice will be to ask your friends not to tell you anything about her, and keep doing what you are doing. 3 months is not very long. It's completely normal to still feel devastated, but I really do think you are on the right track to healing. And having a glimmer of hope is normal too.

 

Sh*t like this just plain sucks. I'm right there with ya.

[WYSWYG]

Well, my ex left me for another guy. Someone we mutually know. She went after him - texting and on FB.

 

Of course, she denied it when I confronted her. We had a big fight/argument that night and that was the end. It is SOOO funny how things can change in a few hours - we were making love earlier that evening then 2 hours later - bam!

 

So I go NC & rode that emotional roller-coaster in weeks that followed. Not the best holiday I've had. Unfortunately, we all belong to the same social circle and I saw them together at a party 2 months later.

 

Surprisingly, It really didn't hit me that hard. She avoided me. But all that spectacle combined gave me a sense of closure/ending. She no longer cares - why should I?

 

It's been 4 months and I'm starting to feel better being alone again. I still miss her now and then but I don't cry anymore.

 

One thing for sure, they never leave you out of the blue. It's almost always a pre-meditated choice. I know cuz I've done it, too - I have dumped people before.

 

Accepting BU reality is painful and there's no universal formula against it but time. I share your pain bro but you too, will overcome this. Have faith....

[AlphaC]

 

How did you deal and cope when learning that your ex was probably with someone else? I'm not taking the news too well, since I haven't had any girls since.

 

You are 3 months post break up, by now you should start getting used to her not being in your life. Sounds like she is moving on and you are stuck, don't dwell on this too much longer, the fact that she is hooking up with other guys means she is not the same girl you once knew.

 

Don't sit around waiting and moping for this chic, you can't get back this lost time. By the third month I was ready to start dating and about a month later I hooked up with a woman 10x better than my ex. I could have continued waiting for my ex until the day I died, but why?? The only sure thing this would have succeeded in doing was wasting time.

 

I hadn't heard from my ex in months but today I did. Now that I have a new girlfriend and have learned a lot about relationships I don't have a reason to reply to her message.

 

Funny how life unfolds, 4 months ago I would have been posting on here, asking for advice on how to respond to her but today I just deleted her email. She hurt me, I survived the pain, I became stronger, moved on and found someone who is looking for a good man, this would never had happened if I was stuck in that old failed relationship.

 

I come to realize that getting back with an old gf is never a good idea, think about it for a second and you will all know why, things will never be the same, trust me.

 

OP, my advice, do good to others, respect yourself, take care of yourself, your health and take advantage of your days on this earth by doing things you enjoy.

[Stronger14]

Oh I feel for you.

 

First off, I want to say that I think you are doing remarkably well in your resolve to not speak to her, and to attempt to un-invite any information about her that you might find out. That takes a lot of strength, especially at your age. Bravo.

 

Personally, I find that when an ex does things unlike themselves after the break up (hard core partying, random hook ups, etc), it means that they are probably upset at some level as well.

 

My advice will be to ask your friends not to tell you anything about her, and keep doing what you are doing. 3 months is not very long. It's completely normal to still feel devastated, but I really do think you are on the right track to healing. And having a glimmer of hope is normal too.

 

Sh*t like this just plain sucks. I'm right there with ya.

 

Thanks for the reply and advice. I hear you about how exes do things after a bu that is different from themselves because they are upset, but I guess not upset to the level of wanting to come back. I agree with what you said about not getting any updates from my friends.. That was the first time that I got a piece of substantial information, and I will not put myself through that again..

 

I guess my main question here is what was the "it" factor that really enabled you to move on and lose all sense of hope.. Was it finding out they were with somebody else? Was it time? Was it nc? Was it finding someone else that was better to hookup with or date? Or maybe a combination of all of that?

 

I know that 3 months isn't very long, but I feel like a lot of time has passed and I haven't made much progress with getting over her.. And that sort of came out when I found out that she's possibly (not even confirmed) with someone else.. Idk I just was angry hearing that. I was angry, sad, jealous, and heartbroken all over again hearing that she has moved on and there's someone else in her life in the loving, intimate capacity where I once was. And I can't seem to shake off the disturbing thoughts of her being with someone else.. What helped you guys?

[erklat]

You are 3 months post break up, by now you should start getting used to her not being in your life. Sounds like she is moving on and you are stuck, don't dwell on this too much longer, the fact that she is hooking up with other guys means she is not the same girl you once knew.

 

Don't sit around waiting and moping for this chic, you can't get back this lost time. By the third month I was ready to start dating and about a month later I hooked up with a woman 10x better than my ex. I could have continued waiting for my ex until the day I died, but why?? The only sure thing this would have succeeded in doing was wasting time.

 

I hadn't heard from my ex in months but today I did. Now that I have a new girlfriend and have learned a lot about relationships I don't have a reason to reply to her message.

 

Funny how life unfolds, 4 months ago I would have been posting on here, asking for advice on how to respond to her but today I just deleted her email. She hurt me, I survived the pain, I became stronger, moved on and found someone who is looking for a good man, this would never had happened if I was stuck in that old failed relationship.

 

I come to realize that getting back with an old gf is never a good idea, think about it for a second and you will all know why, things will never be the same, trust me.

 

OP, my advice, do good to others, respect yourself, take care of yourself, your health and take advantage of your days on this earth by doing things you enjoy.

 

That's deep. One of those posts you feel a shift after reading them.

[WYSWYG]

I guess my main question here is what was the "it" factor that really enabled you to move on and lose all sense of hope.. Was it finding out they were with somebody else? Was it time? Was it nc? Was it finding someone else that was better to hookup with or date? Or maybe a combination of all of that?

 

.....And I can't seem to shake off the disturbing thoughts of her being with someone else.. What helped you guys?

 

For me, the "it" was a combination of many factors:

1. Realizing that she no longer cares and has someone else already.

2. NC

3. Avoiding any emotional triggers that can remind me of her.

4. Blocking thoughts of missing the good times and replacing it w/ the things I didn't like about the RS. I'd rather be angry than sad!

5. Actively distracting myself w/ hobbies . Also, avoided being alone by going to the gym, bookstores, walks in the city etc.

 

All this combined, helped me think about her less. Of course, there's still moments of nostalgia to this day - you can't avoid that. But I know it will fade. I've had past BU's.

 

Now, your mind will paint ugly pictures of your ex w/ someone new. Your very OWN imagination will torment you but only if you let it . Be very aware of THIS toxic habit. Know that you're in control.

 

The way I see it is this: my ex had others before me. Right now, my future GF is likely having a blast w/ her future ex.

 

It is really all easier said than done. But if you try hard to rationalize it and get your head over the dark clouds of BU, you'll see the sun shining bright.

 

So hang in there, bro. A few months from now, we can look back to this and shrug it off...

 

" to be a butterfly, one must be in a cocoon".....

Edited March 24, 2014 by WYSWYG

[Stronger14]

I like the positivity WYSWYG. I've been doing most of what you said on that list - nc, distracting myself with hobbies and being with friends, and trying my best to block out emotional triggers.. As of yesterday, I'm trying my best to cope with the idea that she could be seeing other guys sooner than I thought she would. Even though all of her actions are telling me that she doesn't care about me, my guy feeling is still that the strength of connection we had will somehow reemerge.. even though 3 months have past, there are times where I remember random memories from the relationship, and those still hurt.

 

I'm starting to think my "it" factor, along with all the ones you mentioned, will be finding a new girl to concentrate on. While there are certain things I've been doing to fill the void, nothing can replace the personal connection with another person.

 

I guess you're right - my future gf is probably wondering why I'm spending so much time being miserable over my ex

[WYSWYG]

That's the right attitude bro. To always see the cup half-full is a choice we make.

 

The ex may seem oblivious and indifferent but trust me they shared those good times w/ us too and who really forgets the good times?

 

I also avoided our mutual friends for a while and they understand why.

 

So strive to stay positive and have faith. It's "survival of the fittest" in an emotional sense. Here's what I wrote from another thread recently:

 

".......I have to say tho that, I definitely benefited from all the pains I went thru. Those times I spent working on myself generated a source of energy and enthusiasm that later enriched my life: I'm now better on the guitar from the recent BU. The blues got real when u feel it."

Edited March 25, 2014 by WYSWYG

[witmadskilllz]

find your own happiness, then everything else will follow.