Confusion_Reigns Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Then what does it become? Not fun. I think this is all about ‘fun’ for him. idk for sure but that’s what I’m feeling right now. Maybe I’m just in a bit of a funk with everything else in my life that’s going on. I certainly don’t feel ‘fun’ for anyone. Friendships, real honest lasting friendships take the good with the bad and hold your hand thru the ugly. Where’s he at? Where’s Mr. Amazing at now? He’s not here, that’s where he’s at. Of course he can’t be here right now, not physically. But he could easily be here emotionally for me….but how? What do I even want or need from him? idk, I have no idea what he can really do for me anyway. Nothing. He can’t do a damned thing for me anyway. It’s not always easy to get a divorce even if that’s what you really want. When things are complicated and it’s your happiness pitted against the happiness of your children/grandchildren? Well, how in the HELL is a woman supposed to put herself above her kids well being? I don’t see how this is possible. To illustrate this I’ll share something and hope it’s not TMI…My H’s has a daughter from another relationship, we have temporary custody of her child, I love this lil girl….and her mom is in a bad way AGAIN…so it looks like we’re going to have to adopt this lil girl. She’s like my lil girl now. If I divorce him he’s going to use everything he can to hurt me and he will use this lil girl’s love against me. I know it and I know him. So I walk, have no legal ties to my own grandbaby, he refuses to let me see her…or worse yet he daggles the carrot in front of me and her and yanks it away telling her it’s my fault….or her fault…Damn. damn. damn….and double damn. So this isn’t my friends issue, I try not to drag him into my mess too much but I texted him about this because…well, because he has a right to know what’s in store for me and my future….if he’s going to be a part of that…I told him maybe it’s better to back off….that maybe he and I are better off as just friends….that I feel so very stuck in this situation….and that I didn’t want to drag him thru my mess….and he hasn’t txted me back yet….so, maybe that’s his answer…? Idk…. I’m feeling so heartbroken right now. Not just because of my friend but because of this situation. I cannot raise another child in this place with my husband. I can’t and I won’t and I don’t know what to do…
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 .......or I take the biggest leap of faith I can think of and just do it anyway...and pray that my grandbaby's going to be ok...
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 If you both adopt the child why why would he get custody in a divorce?
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 (edited) He and I are legally divorced. This is not my bio granddaughter. I never adopted his daughter. I'm on the verge of walking away from him. I say 'divorce him' for clarities sake and because I don't believe there's much of a difference between being legally wed and being in a committed relationship. They are one in the same to my way of thinking. Vows or no vows. Really, the only difference is the legal mumbo-jumbo. So, if I agree to adopt this child then I do so either 1) with him knowing I'm walking away - in which case he will not agree to adoption or 2) without him knowing I'm walking away - which is just plain old wrong on every level. how do I say no to this baby? who needs SOMEONE stable in her lil life? People who love her and cherish her? put her needs first and not the next f'ing pill....omg....i'm so angry and sad and heartbroken.... (I wanted to add that Mr. Amazing is being supportive, I forgot about the time zone differences) Edited March 24, 2014 by Confusion_Reigns
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 I see. That's tough. Kids come first in my opinion. I also take care of a child of an alcoholic and drug addict. We didnt get her til she was 14 and abused and neglected beyond belief!!!! I am her aunt by marriage. Making a decision like that over a difficult teen would be bad enough, I can't imagine it being a baby I was caring for. Could you see an attorney just to understand your rights/options?
gettingstronger Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Sorry everything is piling up on you like this. I think it's telling that the MM has not responded. It sounds as though you are the fixer in your life. You fix everyone else's messes. Time to take charge of you and get rid of all the dead weight and excuses. The MM probably does not have the staying power to see you through the next chapter in your life. Let him go. I'm not even going to say find a man to put you first because it seems to me the last thing you need I'm your life right now is another man.
jwi71 Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 So, if I agree to adopt this child then I do so either 1) with him knowing I'm walking away - in which case he will not agree to adoption or 2) without him knowing I'm walking away - which is just plain old wrong on every level. What is more important - your sense of right and wrong or the child? And, forgive this, but I am confused. You are unwilling to "do wrong" for the love of the child...but for the MM you are? I don;t meant his as challenge at all - I'm just seeing a disconnect between the two. And, actually, if I have some aspects above there wrong - forgive my ignorance and clearly ignore the above. how do I say no to this baby? You aren't. He is. Actually...he hasn't said "no" just yet as you haven't asked him/brought this up. who needs SOMEONE stable in her lil life? People who love her and cherish her? put her needs first and not the next f'ing pill....omg....i'm so angry and sad and heartbroken.... What are the chances he can see this? In your view, can he see what is best for the child (her bond to you is EQUALLY valuable to the child as his own)? That you play a POSITIVE role for her? Do you think there is a way to reach him on that level?
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 The MM isn't married he's single and in a different time zone. He responded yesterday and we talked. He is supportive. We are not going to be a full time couple when I'm divorced, we have already discussed this. I honestly and truly cannot stand the thought of another full time man in my house. The whole adoption thing may be moot at this point. I told my H to leave this morning. I can't do this anymore. He responded by telling me that I must be PMSing or something. Whatever. I'm done. The big question now is will he actually move out this time? He's once again said he'd move but I have my doubts.
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 You are unwilling to "do wrong" for thelove of the child...but for the MM you are? I wanted to take some time to respond to this as it’s something that bugs me about me. I need to understand the defining of ‘do wrong’ and the context in which the concept is surrounded. In some situation the right thing maybe the wrong thing and vice versa…what is RIGHT and what is WRONG…who defines these concepts? How are they defined? Where did this definition start? Where does it end? And who has the right to say it starts here and ends there? Why do they have that right? Lots of questions to ponder on. The only thing I could ever really come up with is that there are man-made laws and there are natural laws. Natural laws will trump man-made laws every time. I think the natural laws win out because they are God’s laws, the Creator, the Universe, the Great Mystery. That baby needs someone to love her and put her first. Natural law says she cannot survive without an adult to meet her survival needs and she cannot thrive without that unconditional love a parent has for their child (or should have!). My husband is a grown man. He’s been making his bed for a very long time. Natural law says that one must sleep in the bed they’ve made for themselves. Their actions ripple out thru life and touch all that surrounds them, these ripples spread either positivity or negativity. The ol honey and vinegar thing. It’s really a very basic concept. To be honest, I’m not really ok with having this friendship with Mr. Amazing in secret. At the moment, the joy his presence brings to my mind is immeasurably valuable to me. 1
LilGirlandOW Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 The laws on step-parent visitation vary by state. In many states, it doesn't matter whether the parent is step or biological as they have the right to "request" visitation" and even custody in some circumstances as long as they had a significant role in the child's life. Where I live family court is 100% (well supposed to be) based around the best interest of the child. It would cause a disruption in the childs life to have their guardian ripped from their life. I would say with a good family lawyer you have a shot for visitation
Sub Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 I would say with a good family lawyer you have a shot for visitation Not at all trying to be snide, but how does her having an A factor into that equation, if it's discovered?
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 My H is an *******. If I don't do what he wants when he wants and how he wants he turns into a scary *******. I don't want visitation I want her to live with me. He's a good dad but he's also an *******. I don't want her to grow up with only him in her life and think that's the right way to be. It's not. When he perceives he's been slighted he holds a grudge and will seek revenge. Many times over the years the only reason some people haven't gotten their butts kicked was because I was there to tell him to stop.
Sub Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Just wondering: you're legally divorced, he's had his own A, and he's an "*******". So, why are you with him at all?
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 Just wondering: you're legally divorced, he's had his own A, and he's an "*******". So, why are you with him at all? lol, Sub, if I had the answer to this I doubt I'd be on LS right now. It's a convoluted mess. He's not a complete monster. He's got his good points. It's just that the bad points are getting to be intolerable for me to live with anymore.
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