lyeex Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 My ex broke up with me in november. We were together for 4 years. He didnt treat me right and was mean to me a lot of the time. He had a lot of self confidence issues and says thats why he was that way. Hed always break up with me when we'd get in an argument instead of talking things out with me. Despite the bad, we did have good times together. In January, i started dating a guy at work. My ex and i were still seeing eachother but were not back together. He said he wasnt sure if he wanted to get back together or not. When he found out that i was seeing someone, he tried very hard to get me back. He says he realized how much he loves me, that he wants to get married and have kids (he wanted none of that when we were together). Currently my new boyfriend and i live together. We plan to get a bigger place together in a few weeks when my lease is up. He helps support me and treats me right. The problem with him is that hes recently divorced with 3 kids. His ex wife still wants to work things out with him while he does not. Theres always drama with his ex wife and his kids and it gets hard to handle at times. Also, i feel like since he already has kids that i wont get to have as many as i wanted to have (2 or 3). He says he wouldnt mind having another one with me but i feel like a guy without kids already would be a better fit. He has already fallen in love with me and i dont want to hurt him. I have feelings for him but do not feel in love the way i did for my ex when we were together. My ex is still begging me back almost 3 months later. Hes completely miserable and i can genuinely tell he loves me (which i couldnt tell when we were together) and would do anything to have me back and try again with me. He says things will be different and wants to prove it to me. I feel so horrible for the pain he's now going through and miss him too. Im just afraid that he'll eventually go back to his old ways but i think him losing me has made him realize what he had. What should i do? Tough out the divorce drama and kids with my current boyfriend and see where things go or give my ex another chance? Im torn on what to do. I wish my current boyfriend didnt have so much baggage because things would be absolutely perfect. And im afraid that if i dont give my ex a chance to prove he loves me that ill regret it later on.
Zahara Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 With the ex, he has issues that he needs to focus on overcoming and by that I mean making the effort to figure out why he does what he does. Otherwise, those issues will resurface again and it seems that it will if that is how he is patterned to behave in relationships, as you've experienced. It doesn't just go away. I can't help but wonder if the only reason he is now singing a different tune is because you're with someone else and he needs to have control of you. The current boyfriend. Recently divorced, recently involved with you, ex-wife still bothering him, kids. Barely three months into your relationship, you live together and are already talking about kids. He hasn't even processed his divorce, had time to heal, hardly spent any significant time finding emotional independence from his marriage and divorce. Everything is moving at warped speed. You just got out of a relationship, jumped into the next, moved in but then still engaging with the ex. You are in a committed relationship and you're dabbling with your ex -- and yes on an emotional level. Seems like a triangle of unhealthy co-dependency. I'm not sure if any of you are ready for any relationship. 1
Author lyeex Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 With the ex, he has issues that he needs to focus on overcoming and by that I mean making the effort to figure out why he does what he does. Otherwise, those issues will resurface again and it seems that it will if that is how he is patterned to behave in relationships, as you've experienced. It doesn't just go away. I can't help but wonder if the only reason he is now singing a different tune is because you're with someone else and he needs to have control of you. The current boyfriend. Recently divorced, recently involved with you, ex-wife still bothering him, kids. Barely three months into your relationship, you live together and are already talking about kids. He hasn't even processed his divorce, had time to heal, hardly spent any significant time finding emotional independence from his marriage and divorce. Everything is moving at warped speed. You just got out of a relationship, jumped into the next, moved in but then still engaging with the ex. You are in a committed relationship and you're dabbling with your ex -- and yes on an emotional level. Seems like a triangle of unhealthy co-dependency. I'm not sure if any of you are ready for any relationship. Thank you for responding. We do talk about having children but that would be a year or more from now, no time soon. Im 23 and wanted to make sure that hed be willing to have more children in the future because that is very important to me. I do agree we are moving fast by already living together. As far as my ex, i also wondered if hes only acting this way because he wants to control me still. He no longer has a leash on me and that could be why hes acting like he loves me. He does have a long past of relationships that have failed.
Zahara Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Thank you for responding. We do talk about having children but that would be a year or more from now, no time soon. Im 23 and wanted to make sure that hed be willing to have more children in the future because that is very important to me. I do agree we are moving fast by already living together. As far as my ex, i also wondered if hes only acting this way because he wants to control me still. He no longer has a leash on me and that could be why hes acting like he loves me. He does have a long past of relationships that have failed. It would have been wise for you to give yourself healing time after ending a 4 year relationship. Jumping straight into another relationship while still dealing with unresolved emotions from your recent break-up speaks highly about your own issues. And you should have given yourself the freedom and space to date at a healthy pace. I hope things work out for you.
Elias33 Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 All three parties involved it seems, have things to work out before committing to a relationship. It doesn't mean they can't, but it will make it certainly harder. As for the ex, don't you think 4 years was enough time to give him a chance? What else do you need to know? Seems more like he needs you as a back up, until he finds somebody else. He wasn't there to help you when you needed him, instead he was taking you apart. At least, that is what I understood from your post, hence this advice. The new guy knows what you are worth, and he treat you as such, but if you have your doubts, don't lead the guy on. He has kids, don't hold it against him. Maybe, just maybe, leaving your current boyfriend doesn't mean hooking up with your ex boyfriend. maybe it means you need time by yourself. The two gentlemen in your life certainly could use a little alone time to figure stuff out. Do what is good for you. Good luck
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