I've cracked the "player" mystery!!!

[RedRobin]

....those male posters think bedding as many women as possible, talking bad about the very women who provided them service (sex is a service after all) and getting the nerve to suddenly want a a good, decent woman (as if she would really be interested in that man if she's serious and has a healthy self-esteem) once they get older and bored with that lifestyle is in 1st place as if it were an eating contest or some type of Nobel Peace Prize.

 

 

That's hilarious... yes, these guys who treat sex like it is an eating contest...

 

 

Then later want a woman who knows what a healthy 'diet' looks like, haha...

 

 

I like how some of the guys here refuse to accept responsibility for how they themselves aggrandize these douchebags with their attention and groupie-like adoration of them...

[RedRobin]

I think women can make their own choices. It is not for anyone to give or not give access to women in any social circle....that is just silly. Most "players" are what women want. That is why they can be "players".

 

 

Not if they don't know the guy is a player.

 

 

If you grease the skids for a player, and help him gain access to women, then you are an accessory and almost as bad as that douchebag in my eyes.

 

 

I've lost alot of respect for the two men who recommended or failed to warn me in advance about the guys they introduced to me... who were players... THEY should have known better...

 

 

Yes, I sorted those two players out soon enough, but I would have preferred not to meet them in the first place... and that interaction has now negatively affected my judgment of my two friends who knew in advance these guys weren't the best guys.... and you know what that means??

 

 

I won't be recommending any women *I* know to date or interact with my two friends because I have my doubts about men who shield or help out known players.

 

 

Just an FYI... Helping out known players has its consequences too. If you associate with those kind of people, there are plenty who would assume you have those qualities too... and not in a good way.

[Woggle]

That's hilarious... yes, these guys who treat sex like it is an eating contest...

 

 

Then later want a woman who knows what a healthy 'diet' looks like, haha...

 

 

I like how some of the guys here refuse to accept responsibility for how they themselves aggrandize these douchebags with their attention and groupie-like adoration of them...

 

I don't think this way of these men. I just simply know how the world works and often being the good guy you claim men should be doesn't work. Like I said before if there were no benefit for these kind of people they wouldn't do it.

[RedRobin]

I don't think this way of these men. I just simply know how the world works and often being the good guy you claim men should be doesn't work. Like I said before if there were no benefit for these kind of people they wouldn't do it.

 

 

Of course you don't... You only think this way of women who do these things...

 

 

Being a good person DOES work if you have your eye on the long term. That is... if they are legitimately a good person.

 

 

... as for the 'players'... It's up to YOU not to give them a benefit, Woggle... and everybody else too.

 

 

If you continue to keep these people (men, in your case) in your social circle in spite of how they treat others... somehow thinking YOU will be immune... then you are being played too.

 

 

Think about it.

[Woggle]

Of course you don't... You only think this way of women who do these things...

 

 

Being a good person DOES work if you have your eye on the long term. That is... if they are legitimately a good person.

 

 

... as for the 'players'... It's up to YOU not to give them a benefit, Woggle... and everybody else too.

 

 

If you continue to keep these people (men, in your case) in your social circle in spite of how they treat others... somehow thinking YOU will be immune... then you are being played too.

 

 

Think about it.

 

 

I don't like men or women who use others but society rewards it. That is the cold hard truth. These people are not going to stop out of the goodness of their hearts so if people really don't like players then stop rewarding them.

[Buzzkill]

Not if they don't know the guy is a player.

 

 

If you grease the skids for a player, and help him gain access to women, then you are an accessory and almost as bad as that douchebag in my eyes.

 

 

I've lost alot of respect for the two men who recommended or failed to warn me in advance about the guys they introduced to me... who were players... THEY should have known better...

 

 

Yes, I sorted those two players out soon enough, but I would have preferred not to meet them in the first place... and that interaction has now negatively affected my judgment of my two friends who knew in advance these guys weren't the best guys.... and you know what that means??

 

 

I won't be recommending any women *I* know to date or interact with my two friends because I have my doubts about men who shield or help out known players.

 

 

Just an FYI... Helping out known players has its consequences too. If you associate with those kind of people, there are plenty who would assume you have those qualities too... and not in a good way.

 

Its not a man's job to ''protect'' women from men, especially from the men who are in sexual demand. There are far more women in college than there are men, and most of the women who are in college aren't looking for a relationship, if they can attract the attention of many men.

 

Matter of fact, the only women I see around with a boyfriend are women who might not be ugly, but aren't as attractive as the average woman you can find in any college campus.

 

The women who have options and are in that life stage of no-strings attached fun are going to want to be near the player, the cad, the bad boy, whatever have you. The decent guy with a ''relationship-oriented mindset'' will be kept around, but believe me that the woman will see him far more as a woman, than as a sexual man.

 

Take this for example. Last week I had one girl in my classroom cry because the guy she hooked-up with isn't interested in being her boyfriend. Meanwhile, the guys she views as her friends are always there to provide whatever it is that she needs at the time, and this display of outrage and sadness from the girl came after she discovered(word goes around) that this guy was a major player, but if you think being seen as a cad hurts the guy's chances with other women - you are wrong. And she still had sex with the guy after becoming familiar with his player fame.

 

Just yesterday I had this guy come up to another of my classmates and grab her butt right in front of us. Off she went with the guy, willing to be treated like a piece of meat because, when compared to the other guys around her, he's good-looking, and when women are 18-25 what they look for in men is how better-looking/more masculine/taller/more popular he is when compared to other men, and when you think about it, you realize that a man better develop the personality and the skills that come with being a player if he doesn't want to reach his mid-20s or late 20's as a virgin.

 

I also notice a shift of desires in women as they age. The 22 year old woman who more likely than not is a good girl, and wants to have fun, is not the same woman who at the age of 25 looks around and begins to take notice of how well x guy does in his engineering or medicine degree.

 

The thing is, if a man is not good enough for a woman when he's in his 20's, you can be pretty sure that he won' take women seriosuly - let alone consider her for a relationship, no chance about marriage, hell no- then there won't be any relationships on his 30s.

 

The women who are like this in their 20's are not in the in the minority. With facebook, twitter and what else, with infinite access to men in their prime, women are going to take advantage of the fact that the average-looking(even the below-average woman) is far more valuable than the typical 20-something guy.

 

I do not admire Players. I simply see that they are doing what women can do, and what many, many women already do. They just aren't as show-off about it as the players are. This isn't the 19th century. Men have no obligation in protecting women or in making their lives easier. And the age of relationships are over. You honestly believe I'm going to take women seriously when they tell me they want to date me, but I see them around players and bad boys all the time?

 

don't know what you're thinking about, but when I realize that the vast majority of women around me don't have a boyfriend, but are always with make-up on, dressed to the nine's and smelling like someone poured gold and silver onto them.. they're doing it for the players

 

Oh, and players don't use women. Women use players. Women mess with players because players provide drama, substance to complain about with their girlfriends, and because the players are a safe way to get sex without having the man become emotionally entangled with her.

 

Granted, women in their 30s begin to shun away the player and begin to look for the men they were surrounded by in college, but my older brother(decent guy with decent-looks) wised up, like most guys in their 30s are beginning to do, and they see relationships, marriage, and co-habitation for the scam that these archaic and man-hating chains are.

Edited April 8, 2014 by Buzzkill

[Quiet Storm]

I think the reason is "daddy issues" and I'll tell you why.

 

I'm not only talking about women that didn't have a father in their lives. In fact, I think having an inconsistent father can be more damaging than not having a father at all. Workaholics, addicts, uninvolved & disinterested fathers can influence the way a girl relates to men, and can mold what she is attracted to. It's all about intermittent reinforcement.

 

For example, lets say a girl has an alcoholic father. As with most little girls, she loves her father & craves his attention. On his sober days, her father gives her lots of attention & compliments. He plays sports with her, helps her with homework, etc. However, on many days, Dad comes home drunk. He ignores her. He gets annoyed when she wants his attention. He passes out early, and the girl is confused and sad. She wonders why he doesn't like her today, and thinks "What can I do to win his love again?". The next day when he is sober, and showers her with attention again, she feels relief. She tells herself "It's OK, he really does love me". She is reassured & content, until the next time. It's a dramatic & inconsistent love. She craves it and seeks it, but can't count on it.

 

A girl with a stable, consistent, loving father has no doubts that she is loved. She is not focused on whether he loves her or not, and feels no need to win him over. He is just a stable & loving force in her life, there to nurture & protect her as she grows & thrives. He is there for her and spends time with her. She has no doubt that he will protect her, love her, guide her and help her. It's a comfortable and tender kind of love. Reliable & secure.

 

The girl in the first household ends up being attracted to men that offer the kind of drama that she is accustomed to. The "player" mimics her alcoholic dad, showering her with compliments one day, while totally ignoring her the next. Intellectually, she wants a stable relationship. She even says she wants a stable relationship. But her brain has not been conditioned to view caring, consistent, nice, safe men as attractive. Instead, her brain has been conditioned to seek drama, inconsistency, push-pull, etc. So while she logically wants a stable guy that loves her & keep his promises, her actions don't follow that logic. She will say "there is no chemistry" and "we didn't click". Which makes perfect sense because that kind of love from a man is unfamiliar & foreign to her. It just doesn't feel "right".

 

 

The intermittent reinforcement makes the feelings more intense because it sets up a dynamic... She seeks attention. He ignores. She feels confused & deprived. Her desire to "win" his attention & get reassurance is activated. She gets attention. She feels relief. This dynamic is much more intense & dramatic then a consistent, caring, dependable man.

 

It's clear to me that women with stable & loving fathers are more likely to seek stable, safe & loving boyfriends and husbands- unless they have other self worth issues stemming from trauma or abuse. And that girls with inconsistent dads seem to be more likely attracted to players.

 

I want to reiterate, as well, that many fathers are present but "not present". A father in the home doesn't mean that the girl won't feel neglected or unloved. There are many fathers that are too busy or just uninvolved. It's the inconsistency & intermittent reinforcement that I believe creates the dynamic, whether the father is in the home or not.

Edited April 8, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[Woggle]

I think the reason is "daddy issues" and I'll tell you why.

 

I'm not only talking about women that didn't have a father in their lives. In fact, I think having an inconsistent father can be more damaging than not having a father at all. Workaholics, addicts, uninvolved & disinterested fathers can influence the way a girl relates to men, and can mold what she is attracted to. It's all about intermittent reinforcement.

 

For example, lets say a girl has an alcoholic father. As with most little girls, she loves her father & craves his attention. On his sober days, her father gives her lots of attention & compliments. He plays sports with her, helps her with homework, etc. However, on many days, Dad comes home drunk. He ignores her. He gets annoyed when she wants his attention. He passes out early, and the girl is confused and sad. She wonders why he doesn't like her today, and thinks "What can I do to win his love again?". The next day when he is sober, and showers her with attention again, she feels relief. She tells herself "It's OK, he really does love me". She is reassured & content, until the next time. It's a dramatic & inconsistent love. She craves it and seeks it, but can't count on it.

 

A girl with a stable, consistent, loving father has no doubts that she is loved. She is not focused on whether he loves her or not, and feels no need to win him over. He is just a stable & loving force in her life, there to nurture & protect her as she grows & thrives. He is there for her and spends time with her. She has no doubt that he will protect her, love her, guide her and help her. It's a comfortable and tender kind of love. Reliable & secure.

 

The girl in the first household ends up being attracted to men that offer the kind of drama that she is accustomed to. The "player" mimics her alcoholic dad, showering her with compliments one day, while totally ignoring her the next. Intellectually, she wants a stable relationship. She even says she wants a stable relationship. But her brain has not been conditioned to view caring, consistent, nice, safe men as attractive. Instead, her brain has been conditioned to seek drama, inconsistency, push-pull, etc. So while she logically wants a stable guy that loves her & keep his promises, her actions don't follow that logic. They will say "there is no chemistry" and "we didn't click". Which makes perfect sense because that kind of love from a man is unfamiliar & foreign. It just doesn't feel "right".

 

 

The intermittent reinforcement makes the feelings more intense because it sets up a dynamic... She seeks attention. He ignores. She feels confused & deprived. Her desire to "win" his attention & get reassurance is activated. She gets attention. She feels relief. This dynamic is much more intense & dramatic then a consistent, caring, dependable man.

 

It's clear to me that women with stable & loving fathers are more likely to seek stable, safe & loving boyfriends and husbands- unless they have other self worth issues stemming from trauma or abuse. And that girls with inconsistent dads seem to be more likely attracted to players.

 

I want to reiterate, as well, that many fathers are present but "not present". A father in the home doesn't mean that the girl won't feel neglected or unloved. There are many fathers that are too busy or just uninvolved. It's the inconsistency & intermittent reinforcement that I believe creates the dynamic, whether the father is in the home or not.

Very true. When I met my father in law I saw why my wife is so much different than the women I was with before. It certainly does make a difference.

[Babolat]

I think the reason is "daddy issues" and I'll tell you why.

 

I'm not only talking about women that didn't have a father in their lives. In fact, I think having an inconsistent father can be more damaging than not having a father at all. Workaholics, addicts, uninvolved & disinterested fathers can influence the way a girl relates to men, and can mold what she is attracted to. It's all about intermittent reinforcement.

 

For example, lets say a girl has an alcoholic father. As with most little girls, she loves her father & craves his attention. On his sober days, her father gives her lots of attention & compliments. He plays sports with her, helps her with homework, etc. However, on many days, Dad comes home drunk. He ignores her. He gets annoyed when she wants his attention. He passes out early, and the girl is confused and sad. She wonders why he doesn't like her today, and thinks "What can I do to win his love again?". The next day when he is sober, and showers her with attention again, she feels relief. She tells herself "It's OK, he really does love me". She is reassured & content, until the next time. It's a dramatic & inconsistent love. She craves it and seeks it, but can't count on it.

 

A girl with a stable, consistent, loving father has no doubts that she is loved. She is not focused on whether he loves her or not, and feels no need to win him over. He is just a stable & loving force in her life, there to nurture & protect her as she grows & thrives. He is there for her and spends time with her. She has no doubt that he will protect her, love her, guide her and help her. It's a comfortable and tender kind of love. Reliable & secure.

 

The girl in the first household ends up being attracted to men that offer the kind of drama that she is accustomed to. The "player" mimics her alcoholic dad, showering her with compliments one day, while totally ignoring her the next. Intellectually, she wants a stable relationship. She even says she wants a stable relationship. But her brain has not been conditioned to view caring, consistent, nice, safe men as attractive. Instead, her brain has been conditioned to seek drama, inconsistency, push-pull, etc. So while she logically wants a stable guy that loves her & keep his promises, her actions don't follow that logic. She will say "there is no chemistry" and "we didn't click". Which makes perfect sense because that kind of love from a man is unfamiliar & foreign to her. It just doesn't feel "right".

 

 

The intermittent reinforcement makes the feelings more intense because it sets up a dynamic... She seeks attention. He ignores. She feels confused & deprived. Her desire to "win" his attention & get reassurance is activated. She gets attention. She feels relief. This dynamic is much more intense & dramatic then a consistent, caring, dependable man.

 

It's clear to me that women with stable & loving fathers are more likely to seek stable, safe & loving boyfriends and husbands- unless they have other self worth issues stemming from trauma or abuse. And that girls with inconsistent dads seem to be more likely attracted to players.

 

I want to reiterate, as well, that many fathers are present but "not present". A father in the home doesn't mean that the girl won't feel neglected or unloved. There are many fathers that are too busy or just uninvolved. It's the inconsistency & intermittent reinforcement that I believe creates the dynamic, whether the father is in the home or not.

VERY well said, and in my life I have three great examples. My female best friend is 46, never married, her dad passed away when she was 4, mom never dated again. My ex gf, her alcoholic dad was really never emotionally present (even told her he did not want to have her), and he left when she was 5. Her mom remarried, another alcoholic. Her mom dumped her off to her grandmother when she was around 12. She was raised by a neighborhood family, whos dad was/is an alcoholic, and by her grandmother, who lived across the street from the neighborhood family.

 

Both have ended up with players, cheaters, over and over. Both see me as this amazing stable guy. In the case of my ex gf, she simply was not willing, able to, or both, to make changes on her side to keep me. My female best friend, I watch her, she goes on dates, knows "he is not the one" yet she will continue to "chat" with these men over text/facebook. And they are making it obvious "what they want". I call them mosquitos, and she does not say "No". Her last serious relationship, turns out he was a player/sex addict. He has since married, and she stills communicates with him almost weekly. The "excuse" was "shared custody" of their dog. The dog passed away 6 months ago. She asked me then if she should still stay in contact with him. I said "No"; yet she still does.

 

A woman I have recently been on a few dates with, I would have said she had a "Leave it to Beaver" childhood, yet her 2 failed marriages did not line up with that. Turns out her dad was an alcoholic, too. She figured it all out after going thru great counseling, when her 2nd marriage ended, and at least now has the "tools" to help her.

 

I am not saying this is gender specific. I have my issues from an emotionally absent alcoholic father, and a mom who was emotionally absent too.

Edited April 8, 2014 by Babolat

[Buzzkill]

I think the reason is "daddy issues" and I'll tell you why.

 

I'm not only talking about women that didn't have a father in their lives. In fact, I think having an inconsistent father can be more damaging than not having a father at all. Workaholics, addicts, uninvolved & disinterested fathers can influence the way a girl relates to men, and can mold what she is attracted to. It's all about intermittent reinforcement.

 

For example, lets say a girl has an alcoholic father. As with most little girls, she loves her father & craves his attention. On his sober days, her father gives her lots of attention & compliments. He plays sports with her, helps her with homework, etc. However, on many days, Dad comes home drunk. He ignores her. He gets annoyed when she wants his attention. He passes out early, and the girl is confused and sad. She wonders why he doesn't like her today, and thinks "What can I do to win his love again?". The next day when he is sober, and showers her with attention again, she feels relief. She tells herself "It's OK, he really does love me". She is reassured & content, until the next time. It's a dramatic & inconsistent love. She craves it and seeks it, but can't count on it.

 

A girl with a stable, consistent, loving father has no doubts that she is loved. She is not focused on whether he loves her or not, and feels no need to win him over. He is just a stable & loving force in her life, there to nurture & protect her as she grows & thrives. He is there for her and spends time with her. She has no doubt that he will protect her, love her, guide her and help her. It's a comfortable and tender kind of love. Reliable & secure.

 

The girl in the first household ends up being attracted to men that offer the kind of drama that she is accustomed to. The "player" mimics her alcoholic dad, showering her with compliments one day, while totally ignoring her the next. Intellectually, she wants a stable relationship. She even says she wants a stable relationship. But her brain has not been conditioned to view caring, consistent, nice, safe men as attractive. Instead, her brain has been conditioned to seek drama, inconsistency, push-pull, etc. So while she logically wants a stable guy that loves her & keep his promises, her actions don't follow that logic. She will say "there is no chemistry" and "we didn't click". Which makes perfect sense because that kind of love from a man is unfamiliar & foreign to her. It just doesn't feel "right".

 

 

The intermittent reinforcement makes the feelings more intense because it sets up a dynamic... She seeks attention. He ignores. She feels confused & deprived. Her desire to "win" his attention & get reassurance is activated. She gets attention. She feels relief. This dynamic is much more intense & dramatic then a consistent, caring, dependable man.

 

It's clear to me that women with stable & loving fathers are more likely to seek stable, safe & loving boyfriends and husbands- unless they have other self worth issues stemming from trauma or abuse. And that girls with inconsistent dads seem to be more likely attracted to players.

 

I want to reiterate, as well, that many fathers are present but "not present". A father in the home doesn't mean that the girl won't feel neglected or unloved. There are many fathers that are too busy or just uninvolved. It's the inconsistency & intermittent reinforcement that I believe creates the dynamic, whether the father is in the home or not.

 

Most young women go through the bad boy/player phase because the men who are more good-looking than the rest of the men can behave how they want to behave. It has nothing to do with daddy issues. I mean, come on. Men are at fault for everything but the woman who goes for the bad boy is either a victim of her father's lack of love, or because the men who are in her life don't protect her from bad boys? So If I meet a bad girl and I hook-up with her, am I automatically a victim of a lack of motherly love or because I'm a man I'm always up for a piece of ''hot women''?

 

I'm not interested in sleeping with the women I spend my days with. I've grown to be that not-gay-friend they can talk with, everything. I've met more than a handful of young women who have great fathers, and they're still chasing after players. Of course there are good-looking men who aren't players but women see these guys as too close to being like their own fathers(safe, protective, always there) to feel sexual attraction.

 

I'm always amused when I listen to the same women complain about some guy who ''used'' them. Men do not use women. Men do to women what women allow the men to do. When a woman complains about some guy's behavior, she's not complaining about the way he treated her. Only that she wants him to herself, that she believed herself good-looking enough to change the player's ways and she failed.

Edited April 8, 2014 by Buzzkill

[KathyM]

I think women are attracted to certain traits in a man: good looks, charm, confidence, engaging personality, sought after by other women, etc. Some men with those qualities will be players and some won't be. Women will be attracted to those traits and be interested in a guy who exhibits those traits. Women usually are not aware if the guy is a player at first. If they were aware of it, they could not be played by him. So it's not that the women are knowingly supporting player behavior, it's that they are attracted to his looks and personality, and don't know that he is a snake in the grass. (With the exception of women who tolerate/accept/admire that he is a snake in the grass and are attracted to him for that reason as well. There are women who are attracted to the bad boy type). I think most women are just not aware that he is a player, and are attracted to his looks and personality. So to tell women not to reward players is kind of futile if they don't know the guy is a player. Maybe if women weren't so quick to jump into bed with the guy, they could weed out the player types. The non players would stick around to get to know the woman if he thinks she has relationship potential.

 

 

And I would agree with the posters who are saying that people should stop rewarding known players. Stop enabling them. I had to cut a woman out of my social circle who was a man eater, going after men who were in a relationship with someone else. As Redrobin said, these types can't be trusted, and it's a mistake to think they would play/manipulate others but not you or someone you care about.

[RedRobin]

This is great. I'm very happy to see the direction this thread has turned...

 

 

Quietstorm's post sums up a lot of my thoughts on this dynamic.

 

 

Both men and women benefit from a stable home environment.

 

 

Interesting how those deficiencies play out for many years afterward...

[Quiet Storm]

Most young women go through the bad boy/player phase because the men who are more good-looking than the rest of the men can behave how they want to behave. It has nothing to do with daddy issues. I mean, come on. Men are at fault for everything but the woman who goes for the bad boy is either a victim of her father's lack of love, or because the men who are in her life don't protect her from bad boys? So If I meet a bad girl and I hook-up with her, am I automatically a victim of a lack of motherly love or because I'm a man I'm always up for a piece of ''hot women''?

 

I'm not interested in sleeping with the women I spend my days with. I've grown to be that not-gay-friend they can talk with, everything. I've met more than a handful of young women who have great fathers, and they're still chasing after players. Of course there are good-looking men who aren't players but women see these guys as too close to being like their own fathers(safe, protective, always there) to feel sexual attraction.

 

 

My post wasn't to blame men or say it's all men's fault. I am just giving you my opinon regarding the reasons for the attraction.

 

I have witnessed the dynamic often. I don't think it's about looks or sex. I think it's much deeper than that.

 

What makes women continue to "love" a man that proves time & time again that his actions are "unloving"? You think it's all so she gets to keep having sex with a good looking guy? Most women are not motivated by looks, but by feelings & emotions. "Chemistry". Looks may spark the initial attraction, but rarely will a woman stay in a bad relationship just because he looks good.

 

IMO, it goes to back to childhood. During that time in our development, some of us lie to ourselves to protect our innocent minds from pain we aren't ready for yet. It's called denial, and it helps to kids feel secure in bad situations. It's a coping mechanism designed to keep us sane. Our brains way of trying to normalize our development. For a child, feeling loved IN SPITE of being treatly badly or inconsistently, is a good thing. This is because they have no control over their circumstances. For an adult, denial is dangerous & unhealthy. It gives us hope & allows us to feel love in situations that we should be running from.

 

So you have a young girl that rationalizes away her fathers neglectful behavior, because she just can't handle the truth- her dad's booze (or work or new girlfriend) is more important to him than she is. That truth is just too much for her young mind to bear. So she grasps onto anything that reinforces the fact that he does love her- no matter how small. And rationalizes away the behavior that doesn't fit with that. This is not a rare thing... many households are dysfunctional & kids have to find ways to cope with that. The problem is that these coping methods don't just disappear when you grow up & move out. They become automatic & hard to change.

 

Our family of orgin is our first model for human behavior. We will be influenced by them, consciously or not. Many people are not introspective or self aware enough to overcome those influences without professional help. Some will be in denial until the day they die, blaming their circumstances on bad luck and telling themselves "men are all pigs".

 

As for men, they have their own brand of mommy issues... usually related to overbearing or controlling mothers. Who then wonder why their wives are so bossy & controlling. But that's an issue for another thread.

[Babolat]

And I would agree with the posters who are saying that people should stop rewarding known players. Stop enabling them. I had to cut a woman out of my social circle who was a man eater, going after men who were in a relationship with someone else. As Redrobin said, these types can't be trusted, and it's a mistake to think they would play/manipulate others but not you or someone you care about.

Having read this post, I as a man, am considering my friendship with a player friend. He texted me this weekend to grab a beer and I declined, because of this thread. I don't feel like I am enabling him by spending time with him. I mostly talk about how I am, I guess in hopes that he will "see the light". I will not introduce him to any more females, he's on his own there.

[KathyM]

I think women with a healthy self esteem and psychologically healthy would likely dump a guy as soon as she realizes he's a player, because she realizes she wants and desires better treatment. Women who have daddy issues or other psychological issues are not so likely to dump him because they, consciously or unconsciously, don't think they deserve better, or they feel the need to try to change him as a way of processing their own feelings of helplessness as a child.

[Babolat]

The two players I know are NOT good looking men. They are not ugly, just normal looking. One is actually scrawny and kind of goofy looking. My 46 year old female friend knows both of them, knows they are players, and she has commented the same, that they are not good looking.

 

What they are good at is turning on the charm, being funny, getting you to laugh, very social, telling a woman what she wants to hear, being interesting (think of the commercials about "the worlds most interesting man"..he is surrounded by beautiful women in the commercials), taking care of them, spending money on them, appearing to be strong, stable and provide security, etc. At least, that has been my observation.

[Babolat]

I'm also hearing a theme here that "good guys finish last, again". Good guy here, and I don't ever feel like I finish last or that the players get all the women. They can have the women, they have, in my opinion. I'm not interested. It's a great filter for me!

 

I do well in the dating pool. I'm very selective though.

[Babolat]

Many people are not introspective or self aware enough to overcome those influences without professional help. Some will be in denial until the day they die, blaming their circumstances on bad luck and telling themselves "men are all pigs".

 

Well said. There are the ones who get professional help too, love to talk about it, yet there doesn't seem to be any change, improvement. It's as if they think simply sitting in a room with a counselor/therapist, reading a few books, will fix them. Nope, you have a lot of work to do, for the rest of your life.

[RedRobin]

The two players I know are NOT good looking men. They are not ugly, just normal looking. One is actually scrawny and kind of goofy looking. My 46 year old female friend knows both of them, knows they are players, and she has commented the same, that they are not good looking.

 

What they are good at is turning on the charm, being funny, getting you to laugh, very social, telling a woman what she wants to hear, being interesting (think of the commercials about "the worlds most interesting man"..he is surrounded by beautiful women in the commercials), taking care of them, spending money on them, appearing to be strong, stable and provide security, etc. At least, that has been my observation.

 

 

ok... how long does this guy manage to keep up that façade? I've never seen one of those guys make it through a few weeks of that most of the time. There are always inconsistencies. Even if they ARE particularly convincing at first.

 

Had one especially persistent one make it close to two months with me before I saw through him... He probably wouldn't have lasted THAT long if a good friend of mine hadn't recommended him. I doubted myself a bit... but ultimately came up with the 'evidence' to not only ditch him... but out him to my good friend as well.

 

So, What's your friend's pattern?

[ThaWholigan]

I think women are attracted to certain traits in a man: good looks, charm, confidence, engaging personality, sought after by other women, etc. Some men with those qualities will be players and some won't be. Women will be attracted to those traits and be interested in a guy who exhibits those traits. Women usually are not aware if the guy is a player at first. If they were aware of it, they could not be played by him. So it's not that the women are knowingly supporting player behavior, it's that they are attracted to his looks and personality, and don't know that he is a snake in the grass. (With the exception of women who tolerate/accept/admire that he is a snake in the grass and are attracted to him for that reason as well. There are women who are attracted to the bad boy type). I think most women are just not aware that he is a player, and are attracted to his looks and personality. So to tell women not to reward players is kind of futile if they don't know the guy is a player. Maybe if women weren't so quick to jump into bed with the guy, they could weed out the player types. The non players would stick around to get to know the woman if he thinks she has relationship potential.

 

I made this point aswell, the social and sexual charisma of said man will inevitably attract women to him, whether he's a player or not.

 

Women being eager to jump into bed with him could be for a number of reasons - waiting may not guarantee weeding them out and sexual compatibility may be a more important component for them to figure out. Either way, there are always varying circumstances. She may facilitate the sex before he even pushes. Sometimes "players" have it like that...

 

And I would agree with the posters who are saying that people should stop rewarding known players. Stop enabling them. I had to cut a woman out of my social circle who was a man eater, going after men who were in a relationship with someone else. As Redrobin said, these types can't be trusted, and it's a mistake to think they would play/manipulate others but not you or someone you care about.

 

That's the thing about "players" - a point I made in another post in this thread. They are notoriously hard to get rid of. If I had to cut off known "player" or "former player" types, I'd have to cut off the vast majority of my male peers and family, including brothers - and even father .

 

People who tend to be "players" have an understanding of social dynamics that far exceeds that of most people. Cutting them off seems like an easy thing to do, but they are always able to come back somehow. They can form important parts of social circles and even be the focal point of them in cases I've known of. It's not as simple, and it depends on the nature of the social circle. In my own case, I'm not a player and have no desire to be one. But my immediate environment has been almost exclusively populated with men who are charismatically gifted where women are concerned, and use it to their advantage - and sometimes they do it in a less than exemplary manner.

 

Have I actively prevented things from happening? Sometimes - I've had to advise against activities a number of times and limit my time around people when they've caused hurt. But generally, I've been impartial. As for allowing women in my circle or otherwise to fall prey to "players" - I've never had to "allow" it or been in that position, but I'm also not a cockblocker. No matter what I say or do, she's gonna f*ck him. If I cockblock, I lose respect from myself as well as others. I don't do cockblocks.

 

This is great. I'm very happy to see the direction this thread has turned...

 

 

Quietstorm's post sums up a lot of my thoughts on this dynamic.

 

 

Both men and women benefit from a stable home environment.

 

 

Interesting how those deficiencies play out for many years afterward...

 

I liked Quiet Storm's post and I think it explains some things, but I don't think it accurately represents a vast majority of cases regarding women and players - mainly I think it represents a significant portion, but that there are other factors in play.

 

I'm gonna be strange and say that a "stable home environment" may not prevent somebody from making choices that defy the linear progression of such an environment. I also think we have to define what kind of home environment is optimum for a particular individual. Not advocating broken homes or such, simply that one size doesn't always fit all .

 

I too am quite interested in the direction this thread has taken.

[RedRobin]

I hear you TW...

 

 

Can't say I ever had to deal with this dynamic much until I moved up here. Where I came from down South, people were a lot more trusting. Healthy maybe. Not sure. Maybe I was just in a little bubble, haha.

 

 

One thing I've learned from my well put together, happy, and healthy friends I've earned the trust of up here... they cut people off a lot sooner than I have in the past. I myself have been guilty of giving some people too many chances.

 

 

Their circles are tight. They don't have FB's filled with hundreds of fake friends. They don't worry too much about cutting off anyone who is ungrateful, disrespectful, or dishonest. It takes quite a long time to earn their trust. Years in fact.

 

 

I've come to appreciate that about them. And am incredibly sensitive to the fact that, if I exhibit these traits myself (ungrateful, disrespectful, or dishonest).. I will be 'off the island' as well.

 

 

It's a potent lesson.

[Babolat]

ok... how long does this guy manage to keep up that façade? I've never seen one of those guys make it through a few weeks of that most of the time. There are always inconsistencies. Even if they ARE particularly convincing at first.

 

Had one especially persistent one make it close to two months with me before I saw through him... He probably wouldn't have lasted THAT long if a good friend of mine hadn't recommended him. I doubted myself a bit... but ultimately came up with the 'evidence' to not only ditch him... but out him to my good friend as well.

 

So, What's your friend's pattern?

 

One lives 90+ miles a way, 2 are local. He has 2 houses as he learned that having a house with easy access was a mistake. He does not have Facebook account. He does not introduce them to his friends, though I have met the 2 local ones ironically. Awkard to say the least. He does not let them come over to his house to spend the night; he goes to theirs.

 

He now has a place that is gated, so they cannot just "show up". He has a PO Box, no address. This past Christmas I asked him "who will you be with". His answer was "I will wait to see what happens, who wants to see me, it alwasy just works out".

 

The one woman is a millionare and has flown him all over te world on fancy trips. He loves it. The other woman is well off too.

 

He has a one man shop Private Eye business (that's his career), so it's my guess this "skillset" has come in handy, too.

 

He says they will question him, ask if "there is someone else" and of course he says, No.

 

He breaks up with them often, usually lets them do the break up, then waits for them to come back. So, intentional or not, he keeps them in a state of drama, if that makes sense.

[KathyM]

If I had to cut off known "player" or "former player" types, I'd have to cut off the vast majority of my male peers and family, including brothers - and even father .

Wow, if your whole family and all your friends are players, or former players, I feel sorry for you. No good role models, only bad ones. Unfortunate. You are sounding like that BigCityKat guy that posts on here about his screwed up family. Unfortunate.

[Babolat]

Wow, if your whole family and all your friends are players, or former players, I feel sorry for you. No good role models, only bad ones. Unfortunate. You are sounding like that BigCityKat guy that posts on here about his screwed up family. Unfortunate.

My brother is a player, has been with over 300 woman, he thinks, and that is not him talking himself up, he is being honest.

 

When I lived with him 3 years ago for two months, when I moved out of my house to start my seperation/divorce, he was seeing two woman. I lost track of how many times he almost got caught. I think, to some degree, he enjoys the "thrill" of almost getting caught.

 

The good news, is after lots of talks with him, he did call it off with one of the women, and to my surprise stuck to it, and comitted to the other. He actually dated the other woman for almost 2 years afterwards. So, I hope I was a good influence. This is my struggle with the black/white "don't keep your player friends". My brother, is a better person now, and I see it, and I hope it's from our talks and him seeing how I am.

[ThaWholigan]

I hear you TW...

 

 

Can't say I ever had to deal with this dynamic much until I moved up here. Where I came from down South, people were a lot more trusting. Healthy maybe. Not sure. Maybe I was just in a little bubble, haha.

 

 

One thing I've learned from my well put together, happy, and healthy friends I've earned the trust of up here... they cut people off a lot sooner than I have in the past. I myself have been guilty of giving some people too many chances.

 

 

Their circles are tight. They don't have FB's filled with hundreds of fake friends. They don't worry too much about cutting off anyone who is ungrateful, disrespectful, or dishonest. It takes quite a long time to earn their trust. Years in fact.

 

 

I've come to appreciate that about them. And am incredibly sensitive to the fact that, if I exhibit these traits myself (ungrateful, disrespectful, or dishonest).. I will be 'off the island' as well.

 

 

It's a potent lesson.

 

I understand - my own close social circle of which I am a part of is very much similar in this regard. Being a musician, I've made a lot of acquaintances and casual friends over time and frequented many social circles without ever being a particularly important part of them apart from the fact that people who know me tend to present me in a highly favorable light.

 

My closest friends are different though. More familial.

 

Wow, if your whole family and all your friends are players, or former players, I feel sorry for you. No good role models, only bad ones. Unfortunate. You are sounding like that BigCityKat guy that posts on here about his screwed up family. Unfortunate.

 

Never really needed a role model particularly - I learned what I needed to learn from older men I know. My father is one of the most emotionally intelligent people I've ever known (stage and TV actor), so I learned that much from him. He made his mistakes. He's come a long way.

 

Lot of guys (and girls mind) sowed their oats for a period of time. Some look down on them for it, but I've never been one to do so. I have my own way of looking at things in general, so it has never bothered me as much. I simply try to make sure that people don't hurt others.

 

As for my brothers, I'm the older brother so I try to impart advice when I can. They don't normally listen ....