DollyRocker Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 I'm not looking to get my ex back. Just want to learn from the situation. I was dating a guy for nearly 2 years. Despite being in his mid-late 30s I was his first long term relationship. I was a bit surprised by this but didn't want to see this as a red flag. Things had been going very well up until recently. We didn't live together but I spent weekends and holidays with him. However 2 weeks ago he asks me to meet me after work in a public place. He then tells me that although he loves me an awful lot when he watched his sister get married recently 'he couldn't do it'. He said that he really wanted our relationship to work out but no matter how much he thought about it he couldn't make it work. What frustrates me is that no time did he mention any concerns/ doubts about the relationship to me, so there was no opportunity for us to try to work things out together. Do you think a lack of relationship experience has made him shy about making a commitment? I never brought up marriage or moving into together. And these doubts have only arisen since his sister's wedding. Or maybe he just isn't in love with me or doesn't know what he really feels? I presume it's difficult to quantify what you feel for another person if you have no previous experience. I'm over the shock now and am just very confused. He obviously does care about me as he gave me a book with an inscription.
Arieswoman Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Hello Dollyrocker, I'm sorry that this has happened to you and you must be both hurt and confused. First of all, this is not about you, this is about him. I notice that he wanted to meet you in a public place (on neutral ground if you like). This tells me that he was scared of your reaction and wanted to make sure he could get away fast if you became upset/angry etc. Maybe he had had doubts for a while, but was plucking up courage to tell you. Give him credit for the fact that he told you to your face and didn't just text you or do a disappearing act. You will probably never find out why he did this, so please don't waste any more energy tying to fathom him out. Save your energy for you and what you now want to do. And BTW I don't think that being in the mid 30's without having had a long-term relationship is necessarily a red flag. It depends on so many factors and peoples' personal committments/lifestyle etc. I hope you can move on from this and find someone who wants to commit to you. Good Luck.
Author DollyRocker Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 Thank you. I just wish he had told me sooner. Surely most people would know way before the 2 year point whether the relationship had the potential to go the distance or not, or would his lack of experience contribute to this? I don't like the idea of starting over all again but hopefully I will in time.
CaliBabe Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 It could be a lack of experience or it could be that being at this wedding made him realize that you just aren't the "one" for him. He was being honest with you. If he does not want to be with you, take it as that and find someone who does. You will be much happier in the end. I am sorry you are going through, come here and post instead of contacting him. Let him go.
Author DollyRocker Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 Thanks. Is there any way to avoid spending another 2 years with someone who is unsure of the future? Is it ok to ask 6 months in where things are heading? I'm 34 so don't have time to waste if I want a family. I do feel I've been led on a bit but someone who was very keen at the outset.
CaliBabe Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 I think 6 months is reasonable to ask where it is going. I wouldn't neccasarily bring up marriage at the 6 month mark... Maybe 1-1.5 year mark is more reasonable? I totally get what you are saying.
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