Eternal Sunshine Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 So I have this weird pattern of guys I used to date short term that keep "lingering" in my life for years after. I am talking about 3 dates to 2 months worth of dating, didn't end badly, hard to even remember who ended it and why. There are 3 of them that text every 3-4 weeks to ask me "how have I been?" and proceed to make a bunch of small talk over the next few days (over text). Then they go underground and initiate again few weeks later. I have no mutual friends with these guys. We don't work together, there are no ties. They never ask me to catch up and the talk is not sexual. Two of them even have serious girlfriends. I am an introvert and don't initiate texts to make small talk "just because" so maybe they are just wired differently. One of them I haven't seen for 2 years and he still does it! What's the point?
Emilia Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Very interesting. I haven't really experienced it on a platonic level like that. Occasionally have contact from guys when I know they are after something but it's not even an attempt for a booty-call, just something vague. It must be the kind of men you date? Perhaps they are more outgoing? The men I go out with are usually quite introverted, not really the type to have lots of female friends either, I sometimes stay in touch but I usually have to initiate.
David87 Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 (edited) I don't understand why are you talking to the 2 guys who have girlfriends. Are you platonic friends? Do you what something romantic? Do you even like them or you respond only because you're bored. I'd say , stop texting them because I don't see the point. Edited March 24, 2014 by David87
soccerrprp Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Wandering minds of men who want their ego stroked by getting attention from another girl. I wouldn't be surprised if they text other exes. 4
Gaeta Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 I had a couple of contacts like that. One of them was exactly like you said he'd text each 2 months with *whats up*, then 2 years later I remembered he does renovation so I asked him for an estimate and we started dating again Except this time he's much more serious about me and we're having a great time. He said he always liked me and never convinced himself to delete my number.
PegNosePete Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 The point is to see if you're interested. If you're not then what's the point in replying to them?
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 The point is to see if you're interested. If you're not then what's the point in replying to them? Out of politeness? Because they didn't do anything to warrant cutting them off. And the frequency of contact is not high enough to fully annoy me. And no I don't have romantic interest in any of them.
GoreSP Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 well they are the only ones who know exactly why they are doing this and your best bet is to simply ask them. However to an 'third party observer' it seems like the ones who have girlfriends are keeping you as a 'fallback' in case their relationship isn't working and the single ones are trying to see if you are available/interested in hooking up (not necessarily have sex type of hooking up...) It's also possible that at least one of them really enjoyed your company and is looking for a platonic friendship but isn't sure you'd be interested since you dated them before...?
GemmaUK Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Wandering minds of men who want their ego stroked by getting attention from another girl. I wouldn't be surprised if they text other exes. Agree and also think that you are on their back-burner list. They check in to make sure your situation hasn't changed, that you are still willing to converse and for them that means that you still have some interest. If you told them that you had met a great guy I suspect the texts would dwindle/stop. Also though, some men have a thing where they absolutely hate the thought of an ex being with someone new even if they don't want her themselves. If you have no mutual friends then they have no way to check up on this so contact you being fairly certain that you will most likely tell them that you had met someone if indeed you had. I suspect that if you don't offer up this information that they ask 'met any good guys lately?' or words to that effect.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 Agree and also think that you are on their back-burner list. They check in to make sure your situation hasn't changed, that you are still willing to converse and for them that means that you still have some interest. If you told them that you had met a great guy I suspect the texts would dwindle/stop. Also though, some men have a thing where they absolutely hate the thought of an ex being with someone new even if they don't want her themselves. If you have no mutual friends then they have no way to check up on this so contact you being fairly certain that you will most likely tell them that you had met someone if indeed you had. I suspect that if you don't offer up this information that they ask 'met any good guys lately?' or words to that effect. Yeah they do always ask me if I am dating anyone and if it's serious My intuition tells me that I am an ego boost/back up booty call.
Emilia Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 My intuition tells me that I am an ego boost/back up booty call. Maybe you are too nice when you break up.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 It's also possible that at least one of them really enjoyed your company and is looking for a platonic friendship but isn't sure you'd be interested since you dated them before...? That would be sweet if it were true. I am far too cynical to beleive it though :/
GemmaUK Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Yeah they do always ask me if I am dating anyone and if it's serious My intuition tells me that I am an ego boost/back up booty call. I've known of a few guys who have done the same with me. One was very persistent and he was living with someone. We had only dated for 5 weeks but he was so much drama that I ended it and I didn't want anything to do with him. I found it annoying as he was a strange guy (clingy, needy, possessive) and each time he texted he would pop back in my mind again. It actually put me off meeting anyone new for a while. I ended up blocking him a few years later once I got a phone where you could block numbers. Because his texts then showed up only in the blocked list I didn't feel any need to respond and his texts stopped after a few months.
RedRobin Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 I've had guys do this. I test them on the friendship part if/when they call. Only one has passed that test so far... and he doesn't even fit the description of what you mention above. We went straight from dating to friendship. No FWB or any of that either, I might add. The rest failed... the ones similar to ones you mention above. The ones who call from out of the blue saying 'what's up'?? which shows me that all they were after was an ego boost/booty call....or a FWB... or a one-sided friendship where I am doing nice things for them and they aren't reciprocating... which I won't do. Here's the deal... if/when they call in the future, make it a constructive one. Tell them you need help with something and see what they say. Even if it is just help holding the camera for pictures on your OLD profile, or whatever. Try to chat them up about other boys (guys looking for a romantic in hate that shyte, lol). You'll get your answer.
joystickd Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 I've had guys do this. I test them on the friendship part if/when they call. Only one has passed that test so far... and he doesn't even fit the description of what you mention above. We went straight from dating to friendship. No FWB or any of that either, I might add. The rest failed... the ones similar to ones you mention above. The ones who call from out of the blue saying 'what's up'?? which shows me that all they were after was an ego boost/booty call....or a FWB... or a one-sided friendship where I am doing nice things for them and they aren't reciprocating... which I won't do. Here's the deal... if/when they call in the future, make it a constructive one. Tell them you need help with something and see what they say. Even if it is just help holding the camera for pictures on your OLD profile, or whatever. Try to chat them up about other boys (guys looking for a romantic in hate that shyte, lol). You'll get your answer. Playing games shame shame
RedRobin Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Playing games shame shame Not a game. They need to prove they have a legitimate friendship as their goal. Although, I'll add that most of the guys who failed this were guys who didn't do a great job proving they were looking for a relationship in the first place... so they were likely only looking for FWB/booty call anyway. I give them one last chance to see if they can be a friend. A real friend. It's no surprise that most of them fail. Because they weren't into me all that much as a person anyway. Just someone get sex from. I'd give the same advice to the OP. You likely broke up because you either didn't have that much in common, or they were only interested in a FWB/booty call arrangement. Cut them loose.
topaMAXX Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 So I have this weird pattern of guys I used to date short term that keep "lingering" in my life for years after. I am talking about 3 dates to 2 months worth of dating, didn't end badly, hard to even remember who ended it and why. There are 3 of them that text every 3-4 weeks to ask me "how have I been?" and proceed to make a bunch of small talk over the next few days (over text). Then they go underground and initiate again few weeks later. I have no mutual friends with these guys. We don't work together, there are no ties. They never ask me to catch up and the talk is not sexual. Two of them even have serious girlfriends. I am an introvert and don't initiate texts to make small talk "just because" so maybe they are just wired differently. One of them I haven't seen for 2 years and he still does it! What's the point? I used to do this with girls on Facebook chat (never really texting though). Most of the time, it was just out of boredom. It didn't really mean anything. Also, I'm a friendly guy.
shet Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Some people can be lonely enough that this sort of very low level maintenance of contact alleviates their unhappiness a little. I would have thought they'd seek contact at least now and then though, just for the company of a beautiful woman. Some people can't let go of anyone (even just former friends) without a hard break, a line in the sand. Here that would be, not responding. And then some people, men specifically really, are such skeezes that they'll run down a list of women they can get away with messaging, in any way, on a regular if long period, just on the off chance one of them is interested again. Low effort, probably no reward but possibly big reward. I think this describes these guys. If you don't like it you should probably not respond.
Better Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 I have some female friends where the friendship developed like this. We went on a handful of dates and mutually realized that we were not interested in pursuing anything romantic, but still enjoyed spending time together. I think that's the key in that you both really want to be casual friends and neither of you has any romantic feelings for the other or any aspirations for getting into bed with them. Every few months one or the other will get back into contact. We may hit a museum, grab dinner, go to a play, or something similar. There are no ulterior motives and we genuinely enjoy our time together.
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