andreautick Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Hi everyone! It's been a year since I was on here last, and a lot has changed, and I want anyone and everyone's honest opinion about my situation. Sorry if this gets long winded... I dated this guy, "Andy," for 14 months. We broke up off and on in there. We never fought, we always got along, and we always had a great time together. We never questioned that we loved one another very deeply, and we were both very devoted. The only problem was our priorities. I wanted to get married and have kids, and he didn't neccesarily want that ever. That is why we kept breaking up, we just thought if we wanted to go in seperate directions eventually, what's the point now? He also needed to calm down a bit, as I don't party or anything, and he was pretty into that. Fast forward, we broke up, I met a guy, I got married to the guy without knowing him well enough--just to get married (to fulfill that desire that kept Andy and I apart). He became abusive and I left ASAP, never to look back. It was easy to move on because I don't think I married him because of a deep, never-ending love, but just to get married. I have a whole new set of priorities now, and I don't really want to get married again, ever. I'm not so sure about children, either. So, Andy and I got together for coffee the other night. We had THE BEST time, and it was like we'd seen eachother every day for the past year (when in reality, we hadn't even talked for a year, although through mutual friends we knew what was up with eachother). We're still different, but our priorities are the same now, and he's grown up a lot. We both got hurt a lot when we were together, through the many breakups. But now...gosh, I still feel the sameabout him. I still love him, I am still attracted to him. We're planning to spend more time together, and although I haven't told him that I still feel the same,a nd he hasn't either, he seems really excited about spending time together, and is just as eager as I am. My question is...I'd be happy to be his friend, and that's my only aim, but I do still care about him and love him. Would it be absolutely foolish to try again romantically after a year? Or, would it be alright, assuming we were both completely honest about what we want out of it, and assuming we took it slow. I also want to clarify that I am not even looking for someone right now...like, it's not just because I am lonely, I'm too busy to be lonely. But, it's just because of him. Ok, any questions you need to make a judgement call, let me know. Aside from that, thanks for taking the time to read this and I look forward ot your responses! Andrea Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 My question is...I'd be happy to be his friend, and that's my only aim, but I do still care about him and love him. Would it be absolutely foolish to try again romantically after a year? Or, would it be alright, assuming we were both completely honest about what we want out of it, and assuming we took it slow. I don't see any reason why you shouldn't date him again just because you dated him once before. People change. And like you've said, not everyone is at the same place in life as the other person. Sometimes the timing is off and you have to wait until things align for it to work. As long as you're honest with yourself and with him, I don't see why you're having dated before should be a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Sharmaine Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Do people really change that much in a year? I dunno, a year isn't really that long. Now if you'd said you'd been split up for five/ten years, then I'd have said, 'go for it'...... However in this sitch I'm gonna still say 'go for it. I'd give this particular guy a 'second chance', yes!! I know people will say that 'exs are exs' for a reason, don't give them another chance, they'll end up hurting you again, things won't be the same 'second time' around.....blah, blah, blah......but IMO, EVERY EX deserves a 'second chance', if they want to take that chance with you and you want to take a 'second chance' with them. People do and can change and IMO some relationships can be better a 'second time' around, especially if both parties can sit down and talk over the issues and the mistakes they made, that led them to part in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
kodiak Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 andreautick- i would definatelyy say go for it. I totlly agree that sometimes two people might love each other very much, however the timing is not right. If two people are on different paths and on different levels as far as maturity, careers, goals, etcc.. then it sometimes has to end. I was with a great girl for about a year and i feel that our situations had alot to do with our breakup. Sometimes people have to grow up in many ways before they have a good solid realtionship. Sure you can go for it and it can backfire. But you know what kiddo, atleast you will never hate yourself for not trying. My relationship was long distance however i felt so close to this women that not a day goes by in the last eight months that I dont think about her or wish i she would give me a second chance. I would do anything to have a shot like you have. I hope things work out for you and you do what you feel is right. I can tell you what i feel is my opinion but only your heart can lead you in the right direction. Take Care.............Kodiak ps Did you break up with him and in that time apart did you guys see each other or have any contact??? Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 and don't let some guy with a problem sour you on love and marriage. Just because you got a bad apple doesn't mean the whole barrel is bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author andreautick Posted January 31, 2005 Author Share Posted January 31, 2005 Thanks for all the responses! It means a lot! Kodiak--while we were together, he broke up with me four times and I broke up with him twice, and the final two times. However, when we broke up, we agreed not to see other people or tell anyone--so it wasn't a typical break up. It was never for more than a couple of days. We never broke up because of fights, or disagreements...just because of the marriage issue/children issues/priorities issues. We didn't see eachother or talk to eachother...save for a couple of emails...for the past year. Not at all. That is one reason it's so strange that it doesn't feel like time has passed We got together again today...all we do is reminisce and laugh. We can talk about anything. It's like old times in a lot of ways, only we're both more mature. It's so wierd, I thought it'd be...uncomfortable or strange. But it's not. I'm sorry you had to go through what you are going through Kodiak, but if it is meant to be, it will be eventually. Until then, hope never hurt anyone:) My bad experience with men/marriage hasn't soured my views. My views about my life have changed my view towards marriage. I don't have to do it, and I don't have to have kids. If I happen to want to someday, fine. But it's no longer a Goal of mine. Que sera, right? Thanks again for taking the time to write, it really does mean a lot, and I appreciate all of your experiences/advice! Link to post Share on other sites
clynn Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 Good luck! It sounds like you two have a great thing that could redevelop no problem. Funny how life sometimes leads us on these winding paths to get us back to where it wants us to be. You must travel to learn what matters. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 Good luck and tell us how it works out. I'm curious Link to post Share on other sites
Spira Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 I think it would be a good idea to give it another try. After all, if you don't, you're always going to wish that you did. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author andreautick Posted February 1, 2005 Author Share Posted February 1, 2005 So Andy wrote me this email tonight and it kind of alluded to the fact that he is feeling some things but doesn't know whether or not we should discuss it. So I called him and said that we should and he poured out his heart about how he feels the same way as always. He just went on and on and on, like it had really been weighing on him. I did the same and we laid all our cards on the table. We didn't talk about the issues or anything, but rather just let the moment be the moment. We both had big smiles. I said "So what now?" and he asked me out for tommorow night. I told him that I think we should just keep seeing eachother and see where it goes, but now because we know how one another feels, we can be more natural about things, and not hide anything. So, that was good. I feel so much better. I feel so "at home" with him and like I can just be myself, nothing more nothing less. I'm excited for tommorow night, and we'll see what happens Thanks for all the well wishes and positive words! It looks like it paid off for now! Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 1, 2005 Share Posted February 1, 2005 That's great news! Good luck, and keep us updated with what happens Link to post Share on other sites
Author andreautick Posted February 2, 2005 Author Share Posted February 2, 2005 Ok, so here is the update for anyone who may care... We got together tonight and walked my dog Yoda. It was dark, and we walked to a park (it's really cold here right now, too) and talked for awhile on the swingset and got some things out in the open and agreed that it'd be really hard to be platonic with the way we both feel. At the same time, we agreed that it'd be really unwise to jump right back into a full blown relationship like nothing happened. So, we agreed to "Take a look" at the possibility of having a relationship again...by spending time together and talking about our old issues, and evaluating whether or not we could do it again. So, the best part is though that we got to hold hands again and touch and all of those great things. And then he kissed me, and it was amazing, I missed it so much, and it was just like never a day had passed. I think you can tell a lot from a kiss. And, my heart was definitely doing jumping jacks:) So, I'm not jumping to conclusions in my mind, and I intend to do exactly what we talked about doing. But, at the same time, I have a big smile and am hoping for the best:) Thanks to all who said to go for it, and to all who have given their time to helping me with this dilemma! Andrea Link to post Share on other sites
Proto Posted February 2, 2005 Share Posted February 2, 2005 Originally posted by andreautick Ok, so here is the update for anyone who may care... We got together tonight and walked my dog Yoda. It was dark, and we walked to a park (it's really cold here right now, too) and talked for awhile on the swingset and got some things out in the open and agreed that it'd be really hard to be platonic with the way we both feel. At the same time, we agreed that it'd be really unwise to jump right back into a full blown relationship like nothing happened. So, we agreed to "Take a look" at the possibility of having a relationship again...by spending time together and talking about our old issues, and evaluating whether or not we could do it again. So, the best part is though that we got to hold hands again and touch and all of those great things. And then he kissed me, and it was amazing, I missed it so much, and it was just like never a day had passed. I think you can tell a lot from a kiss. And, my heart was definitely doing jumping jacks:) So, I'm not jumping to conclusions in my mind, and I intend to do exactly what we talked about doing. But, at the same time, I have a big smile and am hoping for the best:) Thanks to all who said to go for it, and to all who have given their time to helping me with this dilemma! Andrea I do think it's a good idea to keep evaluating and see where it goes, but at the same time in this situation I don't think it would be wise to prolong it for too much longer since you guys were already in a relationship before. If you can be clear and open with him about his desire to have a family and he truly and honestly says that he's matured up and is ready to settle down.....POUNCE! Best of luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author andreautick Posted February 2, 2005 Author Share Posted February 2, 2005 Thanks Proto, I agree with you. Just to be clear, I don't neccesarily want to settle down and have a family, and in talking about it, he has lightened up on his views on it--he hasn't drawn a line through it. I haven't either. But, right now, we are both very goal driven. We're in school and are serious about our dreams, and so that comes first, and that is just fine with both of us. Thanks for taking the time to reply:) I appreciate your take on it Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 2, 2005 Share Posted February 2, 2005 Sounds like it's going well. I agree with Proto - a bit of evaluation, a bit of "go for it". Be careful that it's his heart leading the way and resist the urge to rush ahead of him. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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