mortensorchid Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 I have been reevaluating a lot of things in my life lately, my love life is one of them of course. I have reached a certain point in life where I know a few things. 1) Dynamics - We all have certain dynamics with those we know (employer / employee, parent / child, etc.), and sometimes you just sense things. I want to be able to sense them more with the men I am with. Some things you know for sure, like a thread I posted when I was out on an Internet date with someone and I said I doubt very much we will be seeing each other again after that night. He agreed, we were not right for one another by a long shot. I wish I had better dynamics with others where it would be positive. 2) Age - I'm going to be 40 this year. I'm thinking "do I really want to get married and/or have children? It's not too late for it." I realize it is not the most important thing in life. What is the most important thing, however, is having joy in your life, and I have a lot to be happy about. I feel like whenever I am with someone they tell me they don't want to be serious. I say "Ok, if that's how you feel then we shouldn't go further" and that's that. Of course they rebound and go to some other trashy girl and that turns into a nightmare, but it has nothing to do with me. 3) Trying too hard - Everyone says the same thing "as soon as you stop looking for something you'll get it", or "It will happen when you least expect it". Certainly. 4) "We're friends" - Perhaps this is the root of the stream of consciousness you see before you now. I've been seeing someone now for the last few weeks/months, he hasn't said "I love you yet". Someone asked, he said we were friends. Experience has told me that if he has not said it by a certain point, he will never say it. I have a feeling this is the same thing happening which happened to me in my last real relationship which was three years ago. This man is a better man than the last one by a LONG shot, but I fear this is a rebound from his divorce which was barely 9 months ago. I feel ... I don't know. What do others think?
KathyM Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 I think it's too early to be saying the ILYs if you've only been dating a few weeks. That, to me, would not be a concern if he is not saying ILY at this point. What is a concern, however, is that he tells people you are just friends. If you are dating romantically, then you should be more than just friends. It sounds like he is trying to marginalize the relationship and is only considering it to be something temporary. A rebound relationship, as you said. I think I would carefully bring up the subject of your status with him. Such as saying "I'm wondering if you see me as just a friend to hang out with for awhile while you're recovering from your divorce, or if you see this as potentially leading to something more, because I get the feeling you are seeing this as just a casual thing." Start a dialogue to check how he sees the relationship and what his goals are in dating, so that you can get an idea of the potential with him. It may be that he does only see you as a friend to hang out with, kind of like a FWB, and not interested in an actual relationship at this point. Better to know now before you've invested too much time with him.
TXGuy Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Re: calling you his "friend". Do you have something specific that you wished he had called you? By the time you reach your 40s, some people think 'girlfriend/boyfriend' sounds awkward or not age appropriate. I'm not sure what the right term would be. Who knows, maybe he isn't taking things seriously, but it might be as innocent as that. Or it could be that 'several weeks' of dating is a little soon, even if he is ok with 'girlfriend.'
SpringBaby Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I have been reevaluating a lot of things in my life lately, my love life is one of them of course. I have reached a certain point in life where I know a few things. 1) Dynamics - We all have certain dynamics with those we know (employer / employee, parent / child, etc.), and sometimes you just sense things. I want to be able to sense them more with the men I am with. Some things you know for sure, like a thread I posted when I was out on an Internet date with someone and I said I doubt very much we will be seeing each other again after that night. He agreed, we were not right for one another by a long shot. I wish I had better dynamics with others where it would be positive. 2) Age - I'm going to be 40 this year. I'm thinking "do I really want to get married and/or have children? It's not too late for it." I realize it is not the most important thing in life. What is the most important thing, however, is having joy in your life, and I have a lot to be happy about. I feel like whenever I am with someone they tell me they don't want to be serious. I say "Ok, if that's how you feel then we shouldn't go further" and that's that. Of course they rebound and go to some other trashy girl and that turns into a nightmare, but it has nothing to do with me. 3) Trying too hard - Everyone says the same thing "as soon as you stop looking for something you'll get it", or "It will happen when you least expect it". Certainly. 4) "We're friends" - Perhaps this is the root of the stream of consciousness you see before you now. I've been seeing someone now for the last few weeks/months, he hasn't said "I love you yet". Someone asked, he said we were friends. Experience has told me that if he has not said it by a certain point, he will never say it. I have a feeling this is the same thing happening which happened to me in my last real relationship which was three years ago. This man is a better man than the last one by a LONG shot, but I fear this is a rebound from his divorce which was barely 9 months ago. I feel ... I don't know. What do others think? I have to say, I feel your frustration, if I may call it that. 40 is a time when it seems reevaluation just falls upon a person. I speak from experience. I commend you for starting your statement with yourself first which is what you have to do. That's what I did. I went back to school got a degree and am working on a second, am starting a new business with a friend, working on writing novels for teens, and I moved to a brand new town after leaving the one where I have lived my whole life. I'm not going to lie and say I don't want love because I do, but I want what I want, always have. I'm finding out that the awesome guys are not like buses, they don't come along very often and are much harder to find. I started to try harder to find love as I approached 40 because I wanted to be proactive. I used to follow that advice of "not looking" but then I thought "How will you find something you aren't looking for?" I had some great experiences but nothing material happened until 40. I must mention I was still proactive in my efforts. It didn't work out though (I wrote about it in another post) but afterwards, I decided to just live my life, do the fun and/or interesting things I like to do and keep my eyes peeled for someone awesome. I don't know about kids it can still happen, I'm not sure if I want to though. I may just adopt and rescue a few kids that are already here from the clutches of this wretched world. Maybe my ideas are helpful to you. As far as the guy, Patti Stanger (love her or hate her she's good at her job) once said to never date a divorced guy who says he's just looking for "friends" or puts you in that category. To me he hasn't been divorced long enough to consider dating him anyway. I have dated 2 divorced guys and nothing against them, but I wouldn't date another one. They were both sour on marriage and I wasn't about to be the one to change it. But I agree, at your age if you want marriage or something serious, don't waste your time with time wasters. Like it or not our clock is ticking and so is the guys' I recently learned (Yes!!!) so there is no time for foolishness. I would just keep HIM as a "friend" while you date other people. Forget ILY, he doesn't even see you guys as a couple yet. He's not worth your heart, my dear. All the best, I hope things work out for ya. 1
OhThatGirl Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but it may very well be too late to give birth to children. I would say starting at 35, it becomes difficult for women to give birth. So you might want to stop being so picky. Not sure I would have worded it like this but essentially, yeah. Having your first child after 35 is automatically considered a high risk pregnancy. The chances of being able to conceive are significantly lower, many more complications develop, etc. Now, I'm not saying you should have kids. Or be less picky. It sounds like you may be comfortable with the possibility you never have kids. But to think "it's not too late" may be a bit naive. At this point most doctors will tell you it's probably too late to leave it to chance and if it's something you want, it's going to require a fair amount of work. Again, you may be well aware and not have a preference either way. But if it's something you haven't given much consideration to, it may be worthwhile giving it now.
GemmaUK Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but it may very well be too late to give birth to children. I would say starting at 35, it becomes difficult for women to give birth. So you might want to stop being so picky. My mum was 43 when she had me..naturally, no complications. That was 45 years ago!
SpringBaby Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 My mum was 43 when she had me..naturally, no complications. That was 45 years ago! Stories like this give us all hope GemmaUK. And who's to say? I've seen 20 and 30 year olds with complications and people in their late 40s who have twins for their first pregnancy. Okay some may get medicinal help, but that's what the help is there for. Besides no one really knows until they try. 1
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