The girl I am seeing is best friends with her ex

[RedRobin]

I have an ex whom I dated for a year and who I consider one of my best friends now.

 

 

No way do we talk as much as you are describing... When he's dating someone, I make a point to show the girl that she is first in his life... That's how real friends are... he does the same when I'm dating someone.

 

 

He IS someone I can talk to about major things. We do things together one on one sometimes... but never without his GF's knowledge and invitation.

 

 

Long story short... she's carrying on a long distance emotional relationship with him. YOU are the FWB, from where I stand. Convenient for sex and companionship close by... but her heart is clearly with him.

[VeronicaRoss]

They didn't break up because they weren't into each other anymore, or someone screwed up. And they're not moving on, the emotions are still intense. If he's the one she's calling before and after an exam, he is the one who she emotionally relies on the most.

 

The bottomline is how you feel. I know you want justification of the rest of us saying her behavior is not ok, but a huge part of growing up is learning to pay attention to how you feel and believing what you know. You know this is wrong. You don't need our permission to tell her it's hurting you and let her know what you need from her.

 

If you're uncomfortable with this and if she won't change her behavior, you two aren't compatible. Anyone who would put up with this doesn't want much from her.

 

From here she's a very happy, self-absorbed girl who doesn't have a lot of empathy for others getting in the way of when she wants something. It's hard to say if she'll grow out of it, but letting her see the effect of what she's doing on your feelings will give you the chance to find out.

 

P.S. She was me 30 years ago. The guy who was you didn't tell me for about 20 years how much that hurt him. I just didn't think he cared that much. We both agreed he should have told me, and dumped me if I wasn't willing to go NC. So be sure and let her know! Good luck!

Edited March 24, 2014 by VeronicaRoss

[rbrt140]

So I have an update on this.... I spoke to my girls best friend... and she told me that she told her that they both spoke on the phone recently about the situation.... he wanted to know what we were...how serious etc...

 

So my girl told him that it kind of just happened...like they did at first..that we have more a mutual agreement.... and that we are great friends... she told him that its not that she fell out of love with him or that she doesnt see him as a partner... its just that the distance was so tough to deal with and that right now its not something that she wants to deal with... that she saw alot of potential in the, but that the timing was a bit off.... that he was still her best friend and cares for him alot... and that it may hurt her a little when he gets a gf... if in the future they are both single... it may be something that she would be willing to try again..... but whenever she mentions me to him...she says "Im going to my friends house" etc...instead of actually my bf...

 

I am not sure how to feel about this.... I mean we are only starting and I feel like I may be able to change her mind and the way that she feel about the whole thing...

[Phoe]

but whenever she mentions me to him...she says "Im going to my friends house" etc...instead of actually my bf...

 

Yep.

 

 

Sorry to say it, but you are 100% always going to come 2nd to him. He will always come first.

 

 

I'd end it if I were you.

[rbrt140]

Yep.

 

 

Sorry to say it, but you are 100% always going to come 2nd to him. He will always come first.

 

 

I'd end it if I were you.

 

In a way I kind of see that as she says that him so that he doesnt feel bad you know? like not hurt him? maybe?

[organizedchaos]

So I have an update on this.... I spoke to my girls best friend... and she told me that she told her that they both spoke on the phone recently about the situation.... he wanted to know what we were...how serious etc...

 

So my girl told him that it kind of just happened...like they did at first..that we have more a mutual agreement.... and that we are great friends... she told him that its not that she fell out of love with him or that she doesnt see him as a partner... its just that the distance was so tough to deal with and that right now its not something that she wants to deal with... that she saw alot of potential in the, but that the timing was a bit off.... that he was still her best friend and cares for him alot... and that it may hurt her a little when he gets a gf... if in the future they are both single... it may be something that she would be willing to try again..... but whenever she mentions me to him...she says "Im going to my friends house" etc...instead of actually my bf...

 

I am not sure how to feel about this.... I mean we are only starting and I feel like I may be able to change her mind and the way that she feel about the whole thing...

 

You are clueless and setting yourself up for a world of hurt down the line. So long as she maintains close emotional ties to the ex, nothing you do will change things.

[Damaged217]

So my girl told him that it kind of just happened...like they did at first..that we have more a mutual agreement.... and that we are great friends... she told him that its not that she fell out of love with him or that she doesnt see him as a partner... its just that the distance was so tough to deal with and that right now its not something that she wants to deal with... that she saw alot of potential in the, but that the timing was a bit off.... that he was still her best friend and cares for him alot... and that it may hurt her a little when he gets a gf... if in the future they are both single... it may be something that she would be willing to try again..... but whenever she mentions me to him...she says "Im going to my friends house" etc...instead of actually my bf...

 

QUOTE]

 

At first I was going to tell you to talk to your gf and make sure she knows how her relationship with her ex is affecting you and go from there. But after this update it is abundantly clear to me that this girl still has feelings for her ex. You can't see it right now because you have that tunnel vision, but you need to walk away. You do not deserve this. You deserve someone who clearly shows you that you are #1. You are looking like a fool by allowing her to refer to you as her "friend." Is that really what you want? Stop making excuses and telling yourself that she only says these things to spare her ex's feelings. She should be sparing YOUR feelings, not his anway. You're in college. These are the best years of your life. Don't squander them on girls like this.

[Orangeblossom]

It's okay and human to care for an ex as someone you were once close to. It's disrespectful to your current mate to maintain contact ( unless there are kids). That's it.

Such a simple concept and you will hear so many people making excuses for selfish behavior.

If you love someone truly, all past loves fade into the background where they belong. It may take you a few months or a few decades to come to this conclusion, depending on how much time you choose to waste pursuing someone who doesn't love you the way anyone deserves to be loved. She sounds selfish, or at the least lacking empathy.

[rbrt140]

I get what you guys are saying... but idk.. I am going to be here with her for at least the next 2 years before we graduate.... I think that with time their relationship will fade.. and Ill be what she has in her mind....

[mr_dave]

if in the future they are both single... it may be something that she would be willing to try again.....

 

There you have it. If she thought you were an amazing guy and she was in love with you this wouldn't be how she's thinking. She refers to you as her "friend" to spare his feelings! Honestly, it sounds like you are a placeholder until they are a little closer together and it's more convenient for them to be together.

You sound like a decent guy who deserves way better.

[organizedchaos]

I get what you guys are saying... but idk.. I am going to be here with her for at least the next 2 years before we graduate.... I think that with time their relationship will fade.. and Ill be what she has in her mind....

 

Glad you're settling for second best.

[rbrt140]

This may be the last update that I have on this... since I am getting a clearer picture I think.... usually my girl doesnt really talk to him on the phone... mainly text or snapchat... but recently she has called him the past 3 days.... she said she called him to tell him something that is going on with her family and her mom etc... then today she called him again to tell him about how excited and happy she was about something that happened in class... she does tell me these things too...and she makes it seem that its harmless that she calls him to tell him these things.... I did overhear her telling him that she was really happy right now with her friends and family and work... she did not mention me...but she did say she was happy with her "aloneness"

 

and it really did bother me though was her telling him about what she was wearing today and how she thought she looked really cute. I saw a text on her phone from her to him where she said "hey" and he said "hey"..... she said "call it magic"....and he said "call it true".... which are the part of the lyrics to the coldplay song that she told him to listen to.....

 

She is going home for the weekend to run an errand and they might have lunch or dinner or just hang out...or maybe not at all..... I am not sure how to handle it....

Edited April 3, 2014 by rbrt140