The girl I am seeing is best friends with her ex

[rbrt140]

I started seeing a girl recently that I have known for a while.... she had a bf for a year but he doesnt go to our university, he lives some hours away and I think thats why they broke up. She has then remained best friends with him and every time she visits home, she meets with him. They text almost every day, and snapchat all the time. I saw a text from her recently to him to listen to the song Magic by Coldplay and to look at the lyrics and she says she was just showing him her new favorite song that was it.

 

I did talk to her yesterday... and she said that he lives 6hrs away so shes not gonna have a long distance relationship.... but then the snapchatted all day today sent voice messages...and she called him before and after an exam.... she told me how much she hates his ex gf..... and that she may hang out with him in 2 weeks when she visits home.....Ive heard her tell him I love you... she says itta ll just as friends.....*sigh*

 

I am not sure if this is something that I should be worried about.

[soccerrprp]

I started seeing a girl recently that I have known for a while.... she had a bf for a year but he doesnt go to our university, he lives some hours away and I think thats why they broke up. She has then remained best friends with him and every time she visits home, she meets with him. They text almost every day, and snapchat all the time. I saw a text from her recently to him to listen to the song Magic by Coldplay and to look at the lyrics and she says she was just showing him her new favorite song that was it.

 

I did talk to her yesterday... and she said that he lives 6hrs away so shes not gonna have a long distance relationship.... but then the snapchatted all day today sent voice messages...and she called him before and after an exam.... she told me how much she hates his ex gf..... and that she may hang out with him in 2 weeks when she visits home.....Ive heard her tell him I love you... she says itta ll just as friends.....*sigh*

 

I am not sure if this is something that I should be worried about.

 

With an ex, a few red flags here. There is a definite boundary issue here and the perception of potential impropriety. I don't know...hard to read, but for me, I would not deal with this...the relationship is early and having a serious talk would be helpful about boundaries. BEST friends....ugh.

[SammySammy]

You're not sure if this is something you should worry about?

 

Sounds like she spends more time communicating with him than she does with you.

[soccerrprp]

You're not sure if this is something you should worry about?

 

Sounds like she spends more time communicating with him than she does with you.

 

OP, I was going to comment on this too. But, then again, it could be the ex who is initiating. It would be interesting to see who is doing the initiating.

[rbrt140]

OP, I was going to comment on this too. But, then again, it could be the ex who is initiating. It would be interesting to see who is doing the initiating.

 

Alot of times...if not most times she does...she'll snapchat him and he'll respond and goes on from there.... if not a text or a voice note. Except for the weekends she kinda spends them with me...but during the week they communicate all day...

[Imajerk17]

I wouldn't be surprised if she hooks up with him when she goes home.

 

But even if she doesn't it's still kind of besides the point. Who do you think is really the #1 guy in her life, and which of the other of you is just filling a role? Well I'll put it this way, he probably knows more about your relationship with her than you know about her relationship with him.

 

I just don't see this ending well for you buddy.

[soccerrprp]

Alot of times...if not most times she does...she'll snapchat him and he'll respond and goes on from there.... if not a text or a voice note. Except for the weekends she kinda spends them with me...but during the week they communicate all day...

 

Ugh. So, you have access to the conversations? She also texts using her phone, right? She "tells" you about the conversations at all? How often do you two communicate during the week days? As much? Are the conversations innocent?

 

Ugh...so early in the relationship, I would not tolerate this. I feel that she may have boundary problems or is not aware how much it may bother you.

[rbrt140]

Ugh. So, you have access to the conversations? She also texts using her phone, right? She "tells" you about the conversations at all? How often do you two communicate during the week days? As much? Are the conversations innocent?

 

Ugh...so early in the relationship, I would not tolerate this. I feel that she may have boundary problems or is not aware how much it may bother you.

 

I dont have access I just overhear and notice things... she doesnt really tell me much...but they dated for a year so she says its just normal for them to talk that much... I asked her friends and they told me that they really liked each other...but the distance made it difficult to keep going...

[soccerrprp]

I dont have access I just overhear and notice things... she doesnt really tell me much...but they dated for a year so she says its just normal for them to talk that much... I asked her friends and they told me that they really liked each other...but the distance made it difficult to keep going...

 

Have you had a talk about this? With her? I don't know about normal, but most people, if honest and looking to give their undivided attention to the person they are with NOW, don't do this. They leave the past behind and CERTAINLY DO NOT keep the past heavily involved or in communication like she does.

[rbrt140]

Have you had a talk about this? With her? I don't know about normal, but most people, if honest and looking to give their undivided attention to the person they are with NOW, don't do this. They leave the past behind and CERTAINLY DO NOT keep the past heavily involved or in communication like she does.

 

Yea you are right... whenever I bring it up she says hes my best friend... but something tells me that she would still be with him if she hadnt moved here for college which is 6 hrs away.

 

The song she told him to listen to was Magic by coldplay which says "I dont want anybody else but you" and "I cant get over you" the other day I got angry over a text she sent him saying U R D 1 so I asked about it and she said... well he had called me a loser jokingly before that so she meant you are the loser...but that doesnt make much sense..

 

Idk...maybe I am looking to much into things... but maybe shes just with me because Im here and doesnt want to deal with a long distance thing

[kaylan]

Thats a dealbreaker for me. Time and time again I have seen the drama of being friends with an ex. Unless the ex is a parent of a child, I wont deal with chicks who remain in regular contact with their exes.

[Salvatore85]

Dude walk away from this now. He's never going to be out of the picture, never. Save yourself a future headache and move on. Please just trust me on this, I had something similar happen in a past relationship.

[OhThatGirl]

Run. Don't look back.

 

This is incredibly disrespectful behavior on her end. It's obviously bothering you, as it should. It's like she's carrying on a long distance relationship with him but has you in town to meet other needs.

 

And the song quotes? The U R D 1 nonsense? Don't buy her excuses for a second. Just tell her this is disrespectful and leave her.

 

Even for college age girls this is horrible behavior. Good Lord.

[Noproblem]

well, she will always gonna love him and he'll always love her.

 

I think they have this idea, let's continue living while everyone away, and then if we still love each other, we'll be back together

 

In other word, you are the spare ... they will enjoy a relationship with others until one of them end this or get back together.

 

On my part, I think he will forget about her when he get serious about another girl.

 

You can pray on that, or accept the fact that you are a spare.. Or you know ..Just move on ...

[Omei]

It would be a dealbreaker for me also, For how she does it.

 

my first bf was friends with an ex for the whole time I dated him years, and they hung out in groups at party's I was always around they didnt text daily or tell each other in depth things or sent songs to each other the relationship was spaced and maintained strictly on a friend basis you could really see the no longer lasting emotions between them so I felt 100% comfortable, after a year or so I didnt mind if they were alone together it would be for something like fixing her flat or whatnot never alone to just be with each other without me present.

 

I think the stuff your girl does is a little above and beyond just friends, I think there is lingering emotions from what you describe.

[MidwestUSA]

OP, I hate to say it, but

 

U R NOT D 1

 

 

Sorry.

[rbrt140]

Ok... so they why is she with me? why does she spend time with me at all??

[MidwestUSA]

Ok... so they why is she with me? why does she spend time with me at all??

Good question, but I think someone mentioned before - convenience? Not to mention she's greedy. She has her cake and gets to eat it too. She's horribly disrespectful to you.

[soccerrprp]

Ok... so they why is she with me? why does she spend time with me at all??

 

That's easy...she wants and needs immediate attention and since her ex is not there, you will do for now. Does her ex know about you?

[David87]

Tell her to stop talking to him because it bothers you see how she reacts.

 

If you keep this up you'll allways bee the second in her eyes. And yes she is with you because it's convenient.

[mr_dave]

Hey OP. I'm still somewhat friendly with my ex, we hang out and play pool with her brother for a couple of hours once a month or two. I would never take her back though because she cheated and left me for another guy.

 

However, in your case.. you are only with her because of the geographical distance to her ex. Not because one of them ruined the relationship by cheating, or their feelings for each other died. They still love and care for each other it would seem. What would happen if he got a job nearer to you?

Distance is the only barrier, what if that were to be removed?

She would jump ship at the first opportunity.

[Gaeta]

....Ive heard her tell him I love you...

I am a very liberal person and I have nothing against my bf being friends with an ex and I have remained friends with an ex or 2 as well BUT this *I love you* is where I would draw the line. She speaks to him all day long, she loves him, confines in him, finds comfort in him....why is she dating you?

[rbrt140]

Its all mixed signals... Because she does give me attention too.... But idk if it was different than when they were together. Ive asked her friends about how it used to be and they told me that he would drive 6 hrs every other weekend to see her.... Usually get a hotel and they would spend the whole weekend together... He got her a watch and a leather jacket and heels that she still wears from time to time.... He does know about me.... And from what ive heard... He was a little upset at first but then she kinda comforted him about it.... He is also 25 and she is 21.... So it also seems like she wants to see what else is out there during her college years and not be 100% committed like she was with him.

[soccerrprp]

He does know about me.... And from what ive heard... He was a little upset at first but then she kinda comforted him about it.... He is also 25 and she is 21.... So it also seems like she wants to see what else is out there during her college years and not be 100% committed like she was with him.

 

Well, I wonder HOW she kinda comforted him. Did she tell him that he had nothing to worry about? That you are not that serious for her?

[Hello_is_it_me]

Because you're still a new relationship, you don't have to walk away just yet as so many are saying. There's still time to set boundaries and give her a chance to redeem herself. If she's been relying on him to fill a void in her if she is truly into you you should see her contact him less and less and start investing more in you. But I wouldn't wait long to see changes occur. If she doesn't drop her.

 

I am in a similar relationship. Girl I'm seeing was best friends with the ex. You know what really changed her mind? I said "so I guess you wouldn't mind if I hang out with my ex?" She goes, "no, I don't mind." So I did and the girl i'm seeing went ape **** lol! But I think since then she's cut the ex out almost totally so I guess the old taste of their own medicine works sometimes.