Okky Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Hi, So I was on OLD, mainly just for a why not - I'm 21, in my last year of uni, I was planning to go to Australia for 6 months in October and just see where it takes me, I wasn't looking to settle down, but... I didn't have a boyfriend right then and I thought meeting someone would be a laugh. Most of the messages I got where from crazy folk, then this one guy pops up and messages me, he was hot, his profile was great, I wrote him back and just like that we exchanged 30 messages in 24hrs!! Kept chatting to him, eventually starting texting then he made a 3hr drive so we could meet for coffee, which became clay pigeon shooting, which became dinner, which became him spending the night. And all that became him being my boyfriend. I want to make this as short as possible but believe me is someone was to had gone into head and created my perfect guy - it would be him! Funny, charming, brave, supportive, gorgeous, rip-his-clothes-of-sexy, dependable, laid-back. My family love him, my friends are jealous, his family are lovely. And ultimately we are heading in very much the same direction in life. But that's the hitch - ultimately. He's 24, he's settled in his career, he's very family orientated, he wants a girl to settle down with - he wants marriage, kids the works. I want those things too...if I was 24, or if he was still 21, i'd be happier than I would of dreamt I'd be really. I want all those things, I do! Just I didn't want serious right now...I thought that would come after a few years of just...messing about I guess. I love him, I don't want to break up.......but I was happy with the path my life was taking and now its all shook up!
CheeseTofu Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Hey there! I understand what you're thinking. Let him know about your thoughts, and you can discuss about it over a cup of tea. If you two end up quarreling violently, then it's time to reconsider your relationship. Why did you agree to be his girlfriend? Are you willing to change your plan for him if he was really the perfect one? Good luck! - Jay
OhThatGirl Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Sometimes life doesn't work out as planned. You're in a tough spot. I wouldn't want to settle down at 21 and now that I'm 29 I sure as hell wouldn't have wanted to settle down at 21. That being said, my best friend married her husband at 22, him being 24 at the time, and they are the insanely happy little family. It works well because they have managed to grow and experience life, new things, and made a change in perspective TOGETHER. It doesn't happen often but it happens. You're not definitively making a mistake either way. Maybe ask him to continue dating for 2 years and see how it goes. This would seem entirely reasonable to me. In that 2 years you're going to figure out if he's the type to grow with you, if you want to see what else is out there, etc.
mr_dave Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 You're at a point in your life where your attitudes to things are still developing. What you consider to be the perfect guy now might not be the same in a few years. If I were you I wouldn't sacrifice your plans or future for this guy, no matter how good he is. If you really are meant to be together then you should be able to survive six months of you being in Australia, and perhaps he could come and visit you with his holiday allowance? Like your boyfriend I was pretty mature for my age, family orientated, didn't drink to excess, sleep around, etc. Eventually after a few years my ex (who thought I was "perfect" - Funny, charming, brave, supportive, gorgeous, rip-his-clothes-of-sexy, dependable, laid-back all those things) felt as if I had "limited" her from living a normal young person's life, yet we had travelled the world together, I had proactively helped her with her studies, encouraged her to go to uni, etc. You will really really hurt this guy down the line if you let this nagging doubt get the better of you in time... So you want to travel.. is there anything else on your before-settling-down bucket list? If you and him stayed together would you regret not sleeping around? (That's quite a common one)
Author Okky Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 I understand what you're thinking. Let him know about your thoughts, and you can discuss about it over a cup of tea. If you two end up quarreling violently, then it's time to reconsider your relationship. Why did you agree to be his girlfriend? Are you willing to change your plan for him if he was really the perfect one? Good luck! - Jay Yeah, it would never come to an argument, he's very very chilled, go with the flow type...that's why I'm trying to think ahead - I don't want to always be promising him tomorrow but I also do want all those things I genuinely do! I agreed to be his girlfriend because im crazy about him, simple as that really! Would I stay if it meant not losing him - yeah! Sometimes life doesn't work out as planned. You're in a tough spot. I wouldn't want to settle down at 21 and now that I'm 29 I sure as hell wouldn't have wanted to settle down at 21. That being said, my best friend married her husband at 22, him being 24 at the time, and they are the insanely happy little family. It works well because they have managed to grow and experience life, new things, and made a change in perspective TOGETHER. It doesn't happen often but it happens. You're not definitively making a mistake either way. Yeah I know, part of me thinks - he is what I want ultimately so maybe I need to grab that while I've got it! I fancy drifting about a little now - that's where my friends are I guess, but so I want to have ended up drifting for the rest of my life - no way. So maybe I should grab it now Maybe ask him to continue dating for 2 years and see how it goes. This would seem entirely reasonable to me. In that 2 years you're going to figure out if he's the type to grow with you, if you want to see what else is out there, etc. Yeah true, very true! You're at a point in your life where your attitudes to things are still developing. What you consider to be the perfect guy now might not be the same in a few years. If I were you I wouldn't sacrifice your plans or future for this guy, no matter how good he is. If you really are meant to be together then you should be able to survive six months of you being in Australia, and perhaps he could come and visit you with his holiday allowance? True, and I could cut my trip a bit and he could come visit. But its like which future do I protect? The short term future I talked about with my friends - travel, explore, party. Or the long term future I talk about with him - trips we'd take, my business, where we'd like to live, marriage, kids, parenting. Like your boyfriend I was pretty mature for my age, family orientated, didn't drink to excess, sleep around, etc. Eventually after a few years my ex (who thought I was "perfect" - Funny, charming, brave, supportive, gorgeous, rip-his-clothes-of-sexy, dependable, laid-back all those things) felt as if I had "limited" her from living a normal young person's life, yet we had travelled the world together, I had proactively helped her with her studies, encouraged her to go to uni, etc. You will really really hurt this guy down the line if you let this nagging doubt get the better of you in time... So you want to travel.. is there anything else on your before-settling-down bucket list? If you and him stayed together would you regret not sleeping around? (That's quite a common one) I'm sorry about your ex! Literally I don't want to hurt him, not at all! It's not that I've got a list of stuff I wanted to do as such, I just didn't really see myself settle down right now. Its not about sleeping around or other guys - I guess like me and him our childhoods were crazy similar, and where we want to go in life ultimately is dead in line with each other, but where we are right this moment, is a long way apart I cant deny that! I love him, its not that I don't, I do! I guess I just feel stuck in the middle between him, my long term goals (and what my family want - he's the only boyfriend my dads ever thought was good enough) and between my friends, because although they all tell me there jealous there all single and leading very different lives and I guess I feel like im having to be two different people. And maybe that's immature, but I can't help it! I love him, but I also feel like maybe i don't appreciate enough, loads of people would be over the moon, and i'm writing on forums, you know!
StanMusial Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 A.) Hold on like grim death. B.) He's not as great as you are making him out to be.
Stay Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 How long have you been dating him? I don't know how many relationships you've had but if you're very infatuated with a person you might make him seem better than he really is. If the relationship is still fairly new don't jump the gun yet and just take it one day at a time. I always tell myself I won't make any judgement or think about all that long term stuff until I've been dating a person for around 2 years. It's only then when you can tell if they really are who they were in the beginning. Like someone else said, 21 years old is a really tough place to take things too serious. Hell, 24 years old is also. Not only do you change a lot but you're really curious around this age in my opinion. Don't invest too much into things at the moment and just enjoy it for what it is.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Trust your gut instincts and take things slow, there's no rush in building this life together right away and there's still plenty of relationship ahead to even test what it's even capable of at the core, I would definitely continue your trip to Australia..do not make sacrifices for a relationship at this time in your life, a lot of times more often than not relationships don't last but experiences like that can be once in a lifetime..even though they were blissful and magical/perfect in the beginning, those experiences will help you grow, i know you think 24 is old at 21 but trust me it's just getting started there as well, once you're 30 you'll be thinking how young and even immature 24 was, when you of course think you're ahead of time in maturity/age...that's blind-confidence that comes with being inexperienced and young, because you just don't know any better and what's to come. At any rate, slow it down...you're not getting married tomorrow, and work towards your life dreams, you do not need to settle down and I highly advise against it...it's ultimately your choice but do you really want to be working the 9-5 raising babies at 24 even? then when would you travel and live your life for you again? there's plenty of time for settling down not all the time in the world for being young and carefree, so use it wisely, even if that wisdom is beyond your comprehension at your age...but like I said, this is all speculation, you're getting way ahead of yourself, and I wouldn't be over-thinking all of that yet, when he's down on one knee and he's offering for you to move in as his fiance then you should be concerned, otherwise it might not even make it that far. A lot of people have been through what you're going through right now at 21, it happens...love can come at the worst time or usually when you're least expecting it, but it doesn't mean you turn your whole world around for it...especially at 21, those usually end in regret more often than they end up like "Gee golly, glad I made that decision even though I had all these doubts"...instead it's usually "Damn, should've listened to myself on that one!" waaaay after the fact.
FitChick Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Instead of a six month trip to Oz, take three months. He could manage a week off to see you perhaps midway through. Then after three months, re-evaluate the situation.
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