josh5 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Hello, my name is josh I am a 21 year old guy that is living in London. I work full time and have lived on my own since 17 since my mother and most of my siblings immigrated to Canada. I have a slight cocaine problem that I fear is getting worse and I have recently developed Gynocomastia which has only worsened my already depressed, anxiety riddled, self loathing personality. Anyway I had until last night a beautiful girlfriend who is all a man could ever ask for, not only is she drop dead gorgeous but she is kind, thoughtful and has become my family since my siblings are all across the Atlantic. She is the light in my life and I have broken her. I swear that I love this woman, but I have a problem when I have cocaine and alcohol I just revert to a horrible person and more often then not end up talking to other girls and in the past I have cheated on her. She has given me plenty of chances, more than I deserve. Yesterday we had an argument about me seeing my friends as she felt I needed to spend more time with her. I said that I would and offered to take her out but anything I said was to little to late. She says that because I wanted to see my friends in the first place and I had not chosen to see her first I in turn didn't really want to see her so there was no point anymore if that makes sense. Anyway i meet up with my friends start getting drunk and doing cocaine and I feel my self changing, I feel less depressed and more uplifted that is what the drugs do for me but I also feel that I am not fully in control. I met a girl there who was as drunk as I was and after hanging out for a while she ended up coming back to mine with my friends. Fast forward a while and it is just me and her left and we start to make out. I know this is wrong but I do not feel in control I do not feel like my self I feel like I am drunk coked up josh not normal josh. The whole night my girlfriend had been mad at me so we hadn't talked much. Anyway so I'm with this girl in my bedroom and I get a knock at my bedroom door. I think it's weird because I knew all my friends had gone home and I ask who it is. They will not answer but begin to bang on the door really hard. I begin to realize it is my girlfriend. I realize there is no hiding this and just open the door and let her witness how much of a scumbag I am. As soon as I do she launches at me screaming as expected asking who that girl is and calling me every name under the sun. I can't believe this is happening, I'm coming off my cocaine buzz and realizing how stupid I am and how this will be the last straw and she has to leave me now. Long story short the girl left and so did my girlfriend after trashing my place that is but I definitely deserve it. I have been spending the morning researching painless ways to commit suicide, I could probably get my hands on a gun if I tried from one of my dodgier mates but it would most likely be very expensive and they would be very nosey about what I want it for. Anyway, I really don't want to live with out her, I am on a self destructive path, I can't see her ever taking me back and frankly she shouldn't. The fact that is my mistake and I have nobody to blame but myself just makes it harder to live with. I hate myself and can't even understand how someone as pure and good even managed to fall in love with me. But it doesn't matter now I am ready to die. I have told her this but she is ignoring me understandably at the moment and at the same time I feel I am being manipulative by saying I am suicidal but honestly I am, the only thing keeping me from doing it is because I know she might feel responsible and I don't want to hurt her further. I could try and blame my actions on my up bringing, my father has had multiple women from when I can remember, he would go back and forth between my mum and my half brother and sisters mum who were obviously his favorites. Bottom line is though this is my fault, nobody else's. I would just please like some help with how people live with losing the best thing in there life and it being your OWN FAULT. I know that I don't deserve this help and I deserve to live with the pain my own actions have caused but that is just it, I don't think I can live with it. I really want to kill my self and end it. Any advise preferably from scumbags such as myself that have caused their own down fall would be appreciated.
darkmoon Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 (edited) I think cocaine has burned you out, go on a pleasure cruise, seek counselling nowadays cognitive therapy is quick and well thought of, bear in mind she might come back, never say never, plan a different tomorrow than today, put some entertainment in there, the bright lights you are spending too much time brooding Edited March 24, 2014 by darkmoon 1
BradJacobs Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Seek help. There will be other girls. Own your mistakes and get your addictions/vices under contol. Also get better friends. 1
Author josh5 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 I think cocaine has burned you out, go on a pleasure cruise, seek counselling nowadays cognitive therapy is quick and well thought of, bear in mind she might come back, never say never, plan a different tomorrow than today, put some entertainment in there, the bright lights you are spending too much time brooding Thanks for the reply, honestly any kind of advise at this point helps, and I may take up that cognitive therapy advise but would like to get through the next couple of days first to see if my mind state improves. I am so done with the coke, there is a nagging feeling in my stomach that i am lying to myself and i will relapse but I am pushing it away because i honestly don't want it anymore. I have been browsing this forum and it has helped me a lot to hear how people deal with these things. I am going to go NC so that she has some time to her self because that is the least she deserves as I am the problem here. Out of interest I know there is no actual rule book but what would be considered a reasonable amount of time to brood? Its the only thing that feels right at the moment lol
Author josh5 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 Seek help. There will be other girls. Own your mistakes and get your addictions/vices under contol. Also get better friends. I know deep down your right, its just so hard. Don't mean to come off winey but I'm from a part of London where 80% of my friends i grew up with became drug dealers or are in prison, She was the only one that really cared and my family do but they are in Canada. Thank you for your post also by the way, much appreciated.
BradJacobs Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 I know deep down your right, its just so hard. Don't mean to come off winey but I'm from a part of London where 80% of my friends i grew up with became drug dealers or are in prison, She was the only one that really cared and my family do but they are in Canada. Thank you for your post also by the way, much appreciated. Been there, mate. Took me a long time to wise up and get rid of bad influences.
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