bbcaptcha Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Hi, So I've been dating this guy for about 5 months now. It started with me not being so interested and him trying his best to catch my attention (very typical I guess). At some point he succeeded and I saw his good personality and appreciated the effort he made so I was like why wouldn't I give him a chance. So we started chatting like everyday then talking all day long and of course meeting each other. We talked about almost everything until it came a time where we had nothing to talk about. I really wonder how he managed to change me from an uninterested person to someone who is really attached and wanting to talk to him all the time! Anyway, let me get to the point. So it had been a week now since I felt like something is not ok: He used to send me a good morning msg like everyday and he suddenly stopped, I saw him posting things on facebook and he didn't start a conversation with me until I did like twice this week. I suspected but then I thought to myself nothing happened so I'm just imagining. Two days ago, he didn't talk to me until late in the afternoon (he spent the day with his friends) but I was busy so we didn't talk much. Late in the night, he called me and said he is going out with his friends (same ones) and we will talk later, I kinda waited for him until very late so I simply sent him a goodnight msg on facebook and I felt angry for being somehow neglected so I literally wrote the following sentence on my fb wall "No expectations mean there is no risk of disappointment " When he saw that he called me I didn't answer, he sent me messages saying he is sorry. I woke up in the morning not feeling ok he called again I didn't answer (at some point I used to call him back when I find a missed call) I felt like I need some time to think and guess what came to my mind: all the moments I had work and I simply postponed it to talk to him, the time I said no to my friend when she asked me to get out with her just to be with him, a book I didn't read, a movie I didn't watch ... and then I thought to myself "yeah we are dating but we are not in a committed relationship to be blaming him". At this time he called me, so I answered, he said he is sorry he felt bad about what he did, he didn't sleep well at night because of what I posted on fb and that our relationship means a lot to him and he doesn't want to loose me. I accepted his apology and insisted that I don't expect anything from him (some feminine ego) he asked me not to say that because there is something between us. The conversation got somehow to its original state. At the end of it (4 p.m), he said he had to go because he has some work to do and then take a nap (because he spent the night thinking about me) and then watch soccer (that starts at 9 p.m) ... That's when I felt annoyed again, but I simply answered : "ok have fun, but I would be sleeping if you want to chat after the game" and he didn't really react !!! Now I'm confused, I feel like I've been too available so he got somehow bored, and now I'm thinking about pulling back and making some space but I'm kinda afraid of loosing him !! help please Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 so I simply sent him a goodnight msg on facebook and I felt angry for being somehow neglected so I literally wrote the following sentence on my fb wall "No expectations mean there is no risk of disappointment " You went out of your way to send him a goodnight on fb as opposed to texting him or calling him? You know...I don't know how old you two are, but this is really childish and you two need to talk facetoface and drop the head games and fb nonsense. If you do become exclusive, is fb going to be your avenue to discuss matters of importance? You seem happy about this too from your post.....your ego was stroked by him chasing you, and then when he went cold you continue to miss the attention. It's not all about you and you can't wait for a guy to always contact you first....drop the head games and get with the program I have dumped women for this kind of behaviour...I refuse to partake in it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Communicating your dating business on FB is such a waste of time and common sense... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 I've dumped men for this behaviour also. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bbcaptcha Posted March 23, 2014 Author Share Posted March 23, 2014 Maybe I should mention that we usually talk on fb and that the sorry message he sent was on fb too.. when he went cold you continue to miss the attention Yes, I admit. But it's not all about me, I've been there for him many times even helping with problems and caring too much. And I kind of expected from him to tell me if something wrong is going on (though I asked him and he said he is fine). how old you two are We are in our mid-twenties .. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Maybe I should mention that we usually talk on fb and that the sorry message he sent was on fb too.. Yes, I admit. But it's not all about me, I've been there for him many times even helping with problems and caring too much. And I kind of expected from him to tell me if something wrong is going on (though I asked him and he said he is fine). We are in our mid-twenties .. That explains it.... Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 Just a simple advice Don't let any person ..Don't let any man or in case you were a man ..Don't let any girl be your entire life Once you lose them, you lose everything with them Don't forget your friends, your dreams, your plans, your trips, your studying, your work, your shopping spree.. Don't When a guy sees you so dependent on him, he'll get bored or get suffocated or worse use you because he know you got no one else but him Don't do that start pulling back a little, not for the sake of this relationship, but for the sake of the well being of your life in general. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bbcaptcha Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 @Noproblem thank you so much. I've been waiting for such a response. I seriously felt like I'm starting to loose myself and my dreams, things that I have been building for so long now. As for pulling back, yes I started doing that mainly for the sake of the relationship and because I was afraid of loosing him. But I guess I need to involve myself in this too and consider it as an act to preserve my own self esteem. What confuses me is that how do I really pull back without ruining our relationship ? what's the proper way to do so ? Maybe I should mention that after the game he checked on me to see if I'm still awake, I didn't answer and in the morning he sent me a good morning message with a flirting expression I couldn't resist and I answered him, we talked a bit and then I had to go (I was busy for real and this time I put my work first). Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 (edited) Two days ago, he didn't talk to me until late in the afternoon (he spent the day with his friends) but I was busy so we didn't talk much. Late in the night, he called me and said he is going out with his friends (same ones) and we will talk later, I kinda waited for him until very late so I simply sent him a goodnight msg on facebook and I felt angry for being somehow neglected so I literally wrote the following sentence on my fb wall "No expectations mean there is no risk of disappointment " ... At the end of it (4 p.m), he said he had to go because he has some work to do and then take a nap (because he spent the night thinking about me) and then watch soccer (that starts at 9 p.m) ... That's when I felt annoyed again, but I simply answered : "ok have fun, but I would be sleeping if you want to chat after the game" and he didn't really react !!! You are being overly demanding and clingy. You got angry because he spent some time with his friends, and didn't call you till the afternoon!? That's ridiculous. And putting some passive-aggressive comment about him on your Facebook for everyone to see is straight up childish. This guy has a life, and you should have one too. It is healthy for him to see his friends, and he shouldn't have apologised for that. Even so, he did call you to apologise and explain that you mean a lot to him. Then, he said he had to go, take a nap and then watch the soccer. You then got annoyed at him AGAIN!? What on Earth for???? I think that's absurd to tell the truth. You mentioned that you drop everything the minute he calls...your plans, your friends, and even work. This is unhealthy, and you cannot expect that this guy do the same. You need to find happiness in other areas of your life, and stop being so demanding and dependent. Work on this insecurity - just because he doesn't call you every minute of the day, that doesn't mean you should lash out at him and guilt him. In a healthy relationship, you can happily go about your business and spend time with others, knowing that your partner will be there for you when you finish, and vice versa. Making your boyfriend constantly worry about whether you're angry with him or not just because he lives a normal life is the best way to push him away. If he's a healthy and secure person, he will not tolerate this for very long. I would break up with someone immediately for this sort of behaviour...it's completely unacceptable to a lot of people. Work on yourself, identify the issues with your behaviour, and fix them before you lose him. That explains it.... This doesn't explain anything. I'm in my twenties and I would never participate in this sort of nonsense. Edited March 24, 2014 by almond 8 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 You are being overly demanding and clingy. You got angry because he spent some time with his friends, and didn't call you till the afternoon!? That's ridiculous. And putting some passive-aggressive comment about him on your Facebook for everyone to see is straight up childish. This guy has a life, and you should have one too. It is healthy for him to see his friends, and he shouldn't have apologised for that. Even so, he did call you to apologise and explain that you mean a lot to him. Then, he said he had to go, take a nap and then watch the soccer. You then got annoyed at him AGAIN!? What on Earth for???? I think that's absurd to tell the truth. You mentioned that you drop everything the minute he calls...your plans, your friends, and even work. This is unhealthy, and you cannot expect that this guy do the same. You need to find happiness in other areas of your life, and stop being so demanding and dependent. Work on this insecurity - just because he doesn't call you every minute of the day, that doesn't mean you should lash out at him and guilt him. In a healthy relationship, you can happily go about your business and spend time with others, knowing that your partner will be there for you when you finish, and vice versa. Making your boyfriend constantly worry about whether you're angry with him or not just because he lives a normal life is the best way to push him away. If he's a healthy and secure person, he will not tolerate this for very long. I would break up with someone immediately for this sort of behaviour...it's completely unacceptable to a lot of people. Work on yourself, identify the issues with your behaviour, and fix them before you lose him. This doesn't explain anything. I'm in my twenties and I would never participate in this sort of nonsense. Great post! OP, think back to things you used to do before you met him. It sounds like you're making him your obsession and that all revolves around him. You've both burned out by far too much contact in the beginning and have little to talk about. He hasn't changed you, you have changed yourself. The early part of a relationship is the time to also set boundaries. Time being one of them. It's perfectly OK to be really excited to see each other but if you don't hold the rest of your life together (hobbies, friends, work, family) then for one you will have nothing to talk about and also you can change from an interesting person with a life to someone who relies on a person for their happiness. We're all responsible for our own happiness. Sounds like you need to build back hobbies and things you used to do into your life. Even if you start by reading books again (if that was something you liked to do). A book will never feel smothered by how much attention you give to it. You can lose yourself in a story too so that there are other things on your mind than just him. He isn't doing anything wrong by giving time to and enjoying his own hobbies and friends. You need to be doing the same. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bbcaptcha Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 Thank you for your precious answers. I do agree for all what you said and yes now I can obviously see that this is a total nonsense. But I suppose I wouldn't have the same reaction if he behaved like that right from the beginning. I felt like he is pulling back though he is the one who started everything and who insisted on talking daily !! this what made me feel confused !! Sounds like you need to build back hobbies and things you used to do into your life. Indeed, starting from this moment. I guess I miss the old me Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 If he was insisting on all of that communication and then has eased off himself it's probably that the realities of life have kicked in and the fact that time is needed for other things as well as you. Perhaps he didn't communicate that. I must admit it's best really to set boundaries of communication so that it doesn't become too much no matter how much fun it seems at the time it really can make relationships go at the speed of light. No one can keep that up over a long period of time. Get back out there and build all of your hobbies back into your life again. If nothing else it will get him off your mind and things like this will worry you much much less. Plus, you'll be enjoying your 'whole' life again rather than just the times spent involving him. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 Flippin' Facebook....beats me how people think it's OK to go on there to get in touch with someone as opposed to picking up the phone, texting or emailing.....preference will be phone call to hear the voice or face to face A relationship based on facebook foundation, will probably end the same way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 Being "unavailable" doesn't work, that's just a manipulative tactic. Both genders are typically attracted to people who nurture interesting, enjoyable lives, and are confident. The only way to give off an interesting vibe, is to actually be interesting. And petty, passive aggressive FB status updates won't get you anywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
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