Author Mickey1982 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 I know I know----he is selfish. In the end, he was all about "I" am happy. this is what "I" want. "I" am doing the right thing. "I" can finally sleep at night, I am a free man." - as if I foreced him into this and he was so miserable!
Hope Shimmers Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 (edited) Hope Shimmers - how long did it take you to get over your exMM and are you in any contact now? Mickey1982 - it took me a very long time to get over it, in all honesty, and I was in a very bad place for years afterward. Part of that was because he came back and tried to initiate the A afterwards, then we tried to return to 'best friend' status, and it just prolonged the agony. Now we are in what I would call 'limited contact'. I'm over him (it does happen so hang in there!) but we are at the point that we can talk every week or so on the phone and exchange a few emails every so often as friends (NEVER anything beyond that) and really enjoy interacting, like the friends we were before we started. And yes his wife knows about this. He's obviously staying with her. Why even bother thinking about him? Because she is mourning the breakup of a 3.5 year relationship with someone she loved. Edited March 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge
waterwoman Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 If it is any help, I don't suppose his feelings for you have changed so quickly. It's more likely that his feelings for his wife have changed. Or at least changed back to what they once were. My h allowed himself to think I didn't love him anymore. The reasons for that are complex and the blame lies with both of us. Dday dawned and all of a sudden nothing mattered but our relationship and our future and working out how to mend the damage.
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 Thank you whichwayisup. I needed that. I want to be angry SO BAD!
Hope Shimmers Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Thank you whichwayisup. I needed that. I want to be angry SO BAD! You will be angry. I spent A LOT of time being angry. I answered your question in a previous post.... I'm sorry but my posts have to be approved before they appear so even though that happens fast, in a fast-moving thread they sometimes appear after a lot of other posts have been made and they get lost.
artdet Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Three and a half year is a long time for any relationship, and way too long for a doomed one. I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. My guess is he is pretty done with you, and the Dday is just an excuse for him to end it. They've done a study that concludes a man's sexual satisfaction with a woman declines over time, and a woman's increases over time. Some harsh reality, maybe next time you'll learn to better protect your heart and body, and not invest both in a cheater.
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 Thank you waterwoman. I makes a lot of sense---it hurts, but it makes sense. I could not compete with a 26 year marriage and a relationship that has been in existance for more than 1/2 of his life. I was fooling myself all along. Hope Shimmers---thank you for telling me that you are over him-----You have given me HOPE! 2
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Thank you whichwayisup. I needed that. I want to be angry SO BAD! You're welcome. Do a list. How he's made you feel in a bad and negative way. Let's just say he doesn't love you, he just cared about you and was emotionally attached. This is how you can try to see it and then make yourself see the not so good side of him. You got to knock him off that mountain top and look down at him. I'm sure once you've detached and not letting yourself 'miss and remember' the good times you'll actually be surprised how quickly that anger and resentment will be felt. Anger is good because it'll help you get over him quicker and see him for who he really is. A liar, a cheater and a very selfish person who puts himself first above everybody else.
Speakingofwhich Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 I think MuddyRock is right to say that I am a black mark in his life right now and that he hates me and won't be back. That's hard to swallow, but I think it is the truth. His comments to me at the end were hurtful beacuse he continually threw in my face how happy he was in his life now and how free he felt. Mickey, MuddyRock doesn't know your MM and has never spoken to him. He is telling you how he felt in his own situation and assuming your MM thinks the same way he does. He doesn't have a window into your MM's mind. Furthermore, given that you were involved for 3 1/2 years with a man who told you he loved you, stuck by you through thick and thin with support and encouragement and told you he was planning a future with you, then suddenly switched his words totally the day after D day to the point where he is practically rubbing it in your face that he loves his W and is so happy, etc etc., it really sounds as if she is monitoring his communications with you and this is what she needs to hear. I say this because if it was what he truly felt a man as supportive as he has been with you would handle the situation totally different. He would tell you he's figured out he loves his wife and wants to stay married to her. But, he would never rub your face in it the way he's doing. It's "me think the lady doth protest too much," obvious. He's seems to be trying to prove something to his wife. I'm not saying he wants a D. He doesn't or he would D. But, in order to keep his M it seems to me he needs to say these things to satisfy her. I'd be very surprised were he not to contact you at some point when the dust settles to talk with you and have closure or even to restart the A. You, otoh, have an opportunity to move on to something much better. Count your lucky stars and do it! This guy isn't who you thought he was. He's bahaving like a spineless loser. And if she wants him, let 'er have 'im! Please let us know when he contacts you"explaining" everything. I'll be very surprised if that doesn't happen. In the meantime stay NC with him and begin your healing. 3
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 Thank you to EVERYONE who has taken the time to reply to me---you have no idea how much your advise and opinions mean to me. As you know, unless you have been in this situation, you don't know what it feels like nor can you talk it out with a friend who hasn't 'been there.' Just one thing...I should remain NC????? I've manged to do it for 8 weeks with the hopes of healing or waiting for him to maybe have a change of feeling and return to me, but whatever the reasons...NC is the way to go, right?
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 I think MuddyRock is right to say that I am a black mark in his life right now and that he hates me and won't be back. That's hard to swallow, but I think it is the truth. His comments to me at the end were hurtful beacuse he continually threw in my face how happy he was in his life now and how free he felt. I doubt he hates you. You've done nothing horrible to him to make him hate you. You didn't call his wife and create a dday, you haven't stalked him/harassed him or anything. To say 'hate' is not right at all. If anything, he sees the pain he's caused his wife, turning her trust and world upside down and he hates himself for doing this to her. He probably does feel bad for hurting you too but if wants to stay married, deal is cutting the xAP out of his life and that's why he's silent. The free feeling he said he feels probably means that he is free of the lying, betraying, hiding and sneaking around for 3 years. That is someone he wasn't in the past but someone he became and now the truth is out, he wants to just move on and put the past behind him, that means you. 3
Hope Shimmers Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Mickey, MuddyRock doesn't know your MM and has never spoken to him. He is telling you how he felt in his own situation and assuming your MM thinks the same way he does. He doesn't have a window into your MM's mind. Furthermore, given that you were involved for 3 1/2 years with a man who told you he loved you, stuck by you through thick and thin with support and encouragement and told you he was planning a future with you, then suddenly switched his words totally the day after D day to the point where he is practically rubbing it in your face that he loves his W and is so happy, etc etc., it really sounds as if she is monitoring his communications with you and this is what she needs to hear. I say this because if it was what he truly felt a man as supportive as he has been with you would handle the situation totally different. He would tell you he's figured out he loves his wife and wants to stay married to her. But, he would never rub your face in it the way he's doing. It's "me think the lady doth protest too much," obvious. He's seems to be trying to prove something to his wife. I'm not saying he wants a D. He doesn't or he would D. But, in order to keep his M it seems to me he needs to say these things to satisfy her. I'd be very surprised were he not to contact you at some point when the dust settles to talk with you and have closure or even to restart the A. You, otoh, have an opportunity to move on to something much better. Count your lucky stars and do it! This guy isn't who you thought he was. He's bahaving like a spineless loser. And if she wants him, let 'er have 'im! Please let us know when he contacts you"explaining" everything. I'll be very surprised if that doesn't happen. In the meantime stay NC with him and begin your healing. I completely agree with this. His rubbing your face in this is so completely uncharacteristic of someone who you have known and loved for 3.5 years - who has been your support - that it absolutely does not ring true. He is doing damage control big-time. He will be back when the dust settles - I would bet money on it. And yes, you CAN do better and he is being spineless by throwing you under the bus... your fastest course of healing is to stay NC. 1
MuddyRock Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Emotions are high in these situations. That man has proven he is selfish. Those types of people shift the negative emotions where it is easiest. That's the affair partner, deserving or not. Hate is an extreme word yes, but the only one that fits. He probably will realize in time his part in all this but right now he is in damage control and emotional. These are the words of men and women that I know looking back. It was a black mark on their life. Often the affair partner makes them physically ill to think about. You can bet his wife is watching his words to her. And so what? If he loves her and cared how she felt he wouldn't say anything that would hurt her. It probably doesn't matter much because anymore contact by her would probably result in a phone number change or blocking. That's the usual script to these things, TRULY remorsefull guys anyway. And that is not for certain. I would bet a 26 year marriage, this the only affair, if his wife and he are serious about reconciling, you wont be contacted again. Well, his wife might if she gets curious.
Speakingofwhich Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Just one thing...I should remain NC????? I've manged to do it for 8 weeks with the hopes of healing or waiting for him to maybe have a change of feeling and return to me, but whatever the reasons...NC is the way to go, right? Yes, Mickey, NC is the way to go. Keep your dignity. He'll be back. Then you can quietly tell him why you don't want to see him again. If he apologizes, I'd accept his apology and part with good will. But, this guy's behavior is classless. Get out while you can. Always remember that people treat you the way they treat you because of who they are. Not because of who you are. 3
HermioneG Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 The thing you must remember- is that liars lie. You have no idea what was actually occurring in his marriage. You have only the word of a man who you know was lying to his wife about your existence. Unless you spoke to her, watched a video, or stood in a room with the two of them- you have no idea what their relationship actually is like. And that's a terrible thing to accept. I could tell you a long and boring list of all the things my spouse told his affair partner. They had no basis in reality, but he did a fantastic job of selling it to her. I am very sorry you are hurting. It's terrible. I hope you can take this as an opportunity to start again and have a healthy outlook with an unattached partner, when you are ready. 1
rumbleseat Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 rumbleseat, I have to disagree with you that he was saying those things to his wife. He told me his marriage was dead for years. He was saying THOSE things to ME, not her. And, that is why I am so devastated. He told me I was the love of his life and he loved ME more than anyone he had ever loved. He had zero feelings for her until she found out about us and then an epiphany occurred and he was back in love with her! How do you know this? If your only evidence is that he told you so, I would suggest that you look at the infidelity forum. It's chock full of bs and be who were still being told " I love you" and " there's no one else" while their ws was in the throes of the A. I know it's painful to think he could lie like that, but an awful lot of ws do. 1
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 I certainly hope he doesn't hate me. I did nothing to make him hate me in the 3 1/2 years I was involved with him and after d-day. I made him my world and did everything in my power to make him happy. Our times together were mainly on his terms and time and I over accomodated myself to his schedule. there is nothing I could say I wish I did differenetly or I wish I told him. Up until d-day, we could not have been happier---or so I thought. I know I've said it more than once already---it is just mind blowing how naive I was and how incredibly powerless I feel now in looking back on the hold he had on both my emotions and my entire life. That hurts. If I was 18 maybe, but you would have thought I would have known better at the age of 42.
rumbleseat Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Hope Shimmers, I have no idea who you are, but we seem to think alike on our opinions of my situation. I don't know if our outcomes were similiar, but I really would love to hear your story. carhill, he is NOT contacting me. Our last contact was 8 weeks ago when he told me he had to work on his marriage, but he still LOVED me. That is why I hold out hope he contact me--crazy, right? I know you are all telling me that he told his wife he loved her, had sex with her, blah blah blah, but honestly, he told me over and over again that he had a dead marraige. He didn't have to tell me anything beacuse I never asked. He was starved for love everytime I saw him. She provided no love back to him. Yet, it all changed in an instant for them both! He claims she is 'back into the marriage' as much as he is now. So, the dead marraige has been resurrected by her as well! Would you have gotten into a relationship with him if he said to you " my home life is okay, we do love each other but it's gotten a little boring"? I'm not saying that every mm lies, but an awful lot of them do. If the only evidence you have is his word, then on what are you basing your trust? You already know he is capable of lying. He hadn't contacted you yet. Maybe he will and maybe he won't. What are you going to tell him if he does, but isn't going to get a d? 2
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 I want an explanation for his change of emotions. I want an HONEST answer as to if he really loved me. He told me that he thought about a life with me - a marraige. I want the truth. It is hard for me to get past the thought that he changed his feelings and fell out of love with me overnight and back into love with his wife in a matter of hours. And, that she was so willing to be back in love with him after he just confessed it all to her.
HermioneG Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 I certainly hope he doesn't hate me. I did nothing to make him hate me in the 3 1/2 years I was involved with him and after d-day. I made him my world and did everything in my power to make him happy. Our times together were mainly on his terms and time and I over accomodated myself to his schedule. there is nothing I could say I wish I did differenetly or I wish I told him. Up until d-day, we could not have been happier---or so I thought. I know I've said it more than once already---it is just mind blowing how naive I was and how incredibly powerless I feel now in looking back on the hold he had on both my emotions and my entire life. That hurts. If I was 18 maybe, but you would have thought I would have known better at the age of 42. You may want to read the book Not Just Friends. The author is Shirley Glass. That may help you get a handle on what happened. And you deserve a relationship that is on both of your schedules. Not you sublimating yourself to an unavailable partner.
Speakingofwhich Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 I know I've said it more than once already---it is just mind blowing how naive I was and how incredibly powerless I feel now in looking back on the hold he had on both my emotions and my entire life. That hurts. If I was 18 maybe, but you would have thought I would have known better at the age of 42. You are not powerless, Mickey! You have not contacted this man in 8 weeks! That takes power and discipline. You're facing your pain and dealing with it. That's powerful! You are standing up for yourself on this thread in a courteous way and you are open-minded and considering what others have to say and advise. From the way you are expressing yourself and interacting with other posters I would conclude you're a very capable person who is going to heal and rise above this situation. That's powerful! 5
rumbleseat Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Thank you whichwayisup. I needed that. I want to be angry SO BAD! It sounds like you are grieving, and one of the stages of grief is anger.it will come, and it's 100%okay to feel really angry at what he did! the lies he told and for allowing you to believe in him. You'll work through it, painful as it may be. You'll learn from it and grow, and then one day, you'll find that it won 'to hurt so much anymore. Each day after that will get better and better and one day, you'll be able to smile and be happy the whole day through. No bitterness, no sadness or anger, just happiness. I hope that day comes soon for you. 1
HermioneG Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 I want an explanation for his change of emotions. I want an HONEST answer as to if he really loved me. He told me that he thought about a life with me - a marraige. I want the truth. It is hard for me to get past the thought that he changed his feelings and fell out of love with me overnight and back into love with his wife in a matter of hours. And, that she was so willing to be back in love with him after he just confessed it all to her. You have no idea if she was so wiling to be back in love. I kicked my spouse out and told him to go be with her. He fought tooth and nail to stay with me and refused to have anything to do with her again. It took years to reconcile. I very much doubt things are peachy keen with them in 8 weeks. But he appears to have realized where he wants to put his effort, and although this hurts you now, in the long run, this is better for you. You are not going to get any honest answers from him. The affair compartment is not existing anymore. I have no doubt that he loved you when he was with you. And that he loved his wife when he was with her. But you're asking questions that won't help your life. Best to remain no contact and go forward. 1
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 Thank you again--EVERYONE. I just want to find some peace and happiness again. Right now, it seems so impossible, but I am taking the words of those who have been in my shoes that the day will come eventually. I look forward to being angry, moving ahead and being able to smile again....... 1
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