Author Mickey1982 Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 Mickey. Moving on doesn't mean you have to stop loving the person. It just means your love for them will have to change. You are not allowing yourself to move on. Your language has to change. For instance, don't say "I can't move on" Yes you can, you have too! I am in your shoes right now too. Although ours was a mutal ending, We miss each other nonetheless. Having been around someone for 8 yrs, you just don't walk away and not miss the person or still have emotional ties to the person. Your MM will one day contact you, please know that. In 2011 I thought that was the end. Our relationship went on an additional 2 years because he contacted me and we started up again until Feb. of this year. Even after the Feb. ending he still contacted me almost daily. Just last friday night he sent me a txt and up until today I have not heard from him. I will not be contacting him to see why he suddenly stopped texting. I am saying all this to say be ready on how you are going to handle things when he returns. Stay strong and steadfast in your healing. You don't want to feel like you are on a rollercoaster forever. I agree with your therapist. One day you are going to wake up and really give yourself the side-eye, and say " What was I thinking" LOL. BTW It is highly doubtful that he woke up one day and was back at the honeymoon phase in his marriage. Thank you so much, uneek74. Your response has been what I needed today. It makes a lot of sense and I AM back to feeling a little bit better. I cried buckets to my therapist earlier today. I told her that I have to be done with this. I want to try to let go. I know what I once meant to him. I am also aware of what was real. There is nothing to do other than to except it. I have to respect the place we are at now. Even if for me it is a lonely place. I’ll keep trying. 1
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 Mickey, where are you ten, eleven weeks out now? (I repeat) you're still in the early healing stages. An affair ending is NOT a normal break-up. Sorry Popsicle, therapist...(majority rules) it IS a different kind of pain/ending. Add to it, long-term affair = years invested. Dday = abrupt ending. I think your therapist is coming across a bit inexperienced. Like others here, I've been divorced twice, experienced trauma in my childhood and those experiences paled in comparison to my A-ending. It can be further intensified by the personality types involved. You've described xMM as consistently kind and supportive throughout your R. Also, you come across as a sensitive type (like me) a bit naive and extremely trusting/loving to a fault. Remember there isn't a one-size-fits-all 'timeline'. Healing is a gradual non-linear process. Use therapy to process the yucky stuff - the feelings of abandonment and the five stages of grief but don't get hung up on 'the whys' (for now) or finding a quick or magical cure-all. When you exit therapy double-up on 'in the NOW' alternatives, the ones Owl offered - exercise, meditation, healthy eating, sleep, new hobbies, new friendships, volunteering, etc. to get outside of your head. I know you said you're already doing those things but ramp it up. Think of it as 'boot camp' for your body and soul. YOU taking back the controls. Continue reading/posting here because you need a healthy outlet to vent and no one is going to understand better than those who lived through it. Not just OW, but all sides. Maybe as someone suggested cut back your 'online' time (whatever it is now, cut by one third or half). If you need help breaking the cycle - Not that I want to throw more pain your way - but it might be time for you to read over on the infidelity/BS board. Google hysterical bonding. It will help stop the pangs of 'missing' and romanticizing (if only temporarily). Sometimes we need a bucket of ice water or someone to shake our shoulders a bit, to get us 'movin'. The mental images will most likely spur you in the right direction. You WILL get there, Mickey. Wishing you much peace. Hugs, starchild Starchild, I honestly cannot read any more about hysterical bonding. It truly makes me nauseous to imagine that is what is potentially happening...I can't go there without getting really upset.
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 Have to understand most Men think logical rather than emotions. He may have acted out because he knew the RISKs. If the cost is higher... Divorce/finance/kids... Does not mean he never felt sme way for you, it's just that he decided the cost was higher then what it's worth (not saying your not worthy either). Trust me, when things cool down on his end he'll contact you again but it's all I. How you want to respond. I'm not big on NC because I'm not good at it. But, once I'm over you... I'm done and the guy truly knows it. I'm slowly getting overt XMM because I'm not dwelling on anything anymore but I know at this point I refuse to let him have his way anymore. You are getting stronger, cocochai!!!! The funny thing is that I have NEVER EVER been like this with anyone ever before. Like you, I never give anyone a second chance and when it's over, I move on. This time, I'm broken and can't seem to pull myself back together no matter what I have tried. I will keep trying beacuse I know one day I'll be there---but, for now, the heart is still heavy and the triggers are everywhere (so it seems). 1
starchild699 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 (edited) Starchild, I honestly cannot read any more about hysterical bonding. It truly makes me nauseous to imagine that is what is potentially happening...I can't go there without getting really upset. I've been there, Mickey, and I'm sorry if the suggestion was perceived as cruel. I agree it's not for the faint of heart, but for an xOW/OM left abruptly alone in the dark it can be a crucial missing piece of the puzzle (even if only a quick read-thru) for clarity. I mustered up the strength post-dday when I started seeing PDA splashed on their social media coinciding with the term frequently mentioned here. I'd never heard of or even contemplated it before. I remember feeling nauseous too. It was an emotional mine field, the lowest of lows but eventually helped open my eyes. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Hugs, starchild Edited April 4, 2014 by starchild699 typo
Hope Shimmers Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Starchild, I honestly cannot read any more about hysterical bonding. It truly makes me nauseous to imagine that is what is potentially happening...I can't go there without getting really upset. You have no idea that this 'hysterical bonding' is going on. I suspect it may be over-stated in terms of how often it really happens (just my opinion). Even if it is, it changes nothing. If I were a BS I would tell my husband to go hysterical bond with himself. Again, just my opinion. If I were you I would not even think about it. There is nothing wrong with grieving and crying. It is a slow process. Just take it from one day to the next, or even one hour or minute to the next. Baby steps. 3
WhiteOrchid Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 I am new to this forum and would like some VERY honest answers to those who have experienced a d-day. I was involved in a 3 ½ year affair that came to a screeching stop when his wife found out about us. On his d-day , he claims that a switch was flipped and he was now back in love with his wife. Yet, only the day before, he was professing his unconditional, forever love to me with thoughts of marriage. Is it possible for that to happen when you are hit with a d-day? Is the force of reality so harsh that you can immediately fall out of love with your ‘soulmate’ and back in love with your wife who you claimed to love like a ‘sister’ for years? Do they ever come back after a d-day or is the experience so horrific that it’s enough to stop them from reconnecting with their AF even when the dust settles? I am devastated beyond belief and search for answers to help ease the pain of this mess I have gotten myself into. The only way he will "come back" to you is if the wife kicks him to the curb and he has no other choice. You will be the second choice. The fact is, MM will say whatever is necessary to continue getting what they want from you. Most of it is a lie. Does he "love" you? Probably not. Does he love what you provide for him? Sure. Just as he lies to his wife, he lies to you. Rarely are things as bad at home as he portrays. And in order to continue getting what he wants from you, he will say whatever makes you happy. Confessions of love and blathering about "soulmates" typically do the trick. If he really loved you and thought you were his "soulmate," he would have left the wife already and started a life with you, without the necessity of a D-Day. But in actuality, all you are/were is the side piece. The fun fantasy on the side. When faced with the reality of losing his family, home and everything he has worked for, the affair fog breaks, and it is you that gets thrown under the bus. To him, you are not worth the cost. Affairs are exciting and fun. There is no mundane day-to-day typical relationship stress like financial issues, kids, cleaning up after him, dealing with all his issues, etc. It is easy to think you are "soulmates" when the only time you spend together is fun and carefree. No real life issues to bother with. Time to move on. He has made his choice clear. And it is not you. 1
Hope Shimmers Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 The only way he will "come back" to you is if the wife kicks him to the curb and he has no other choice. You will be the second choice. The fact is, MM will say whatever is necessary to continue getting what they want from you. Most of it is a lie. Does he "love" you? Probably not. Mickey, no one has a window into the mind of your ex-MM, even if they think they do. You know better than anyone who he is and who you are. Stay strong! 7
uneek74 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Mickey: " Silence is golden" Sort out the advice that you can use and the rest, well; you know what to do.
WhiteOrchid Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Mickey, no one has a window into the mind of your ex-MM, even if they think they do. You know better than anyone who he is and who you are. Stay strong! She said she wanted honest answers. The fact is that when s&*^ hits the fan, most MM pick their wives, not the OW. Which is exactly what happened here. But if she wants to waste her life being second best for this "soulmate" of hers, that is certainly her prerogative. 2
Hope Shimmers Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 She said she wanted honest answers. The fact is that when s&*^ hits the fan, most MM pick their wives, not the OW. Which is exactly what happened here. But if she wants to waste her life being second best for this "soulmate" of hers, that is certainly her prerogative. I agree that most MM decide to stay in their current situation (marriage). As for actually 'picking' the wife, I disagree. If you read her posts on here, you will see that she isn't wasting her life in any way. Just looking for support. We all need that at times. 6
Cocochai Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 She said she wanted honest answers. The fact is that when s&*^ hits the fan, most MM pick their wives, not the OW. Which is exactly what happened here. But if she wants to waste her life being second best for this "soulmate" of hers, that is certainly her prerogative. Like I said... Comments like these will only prolong you moving on. This maybe true/wrong but at the end of the day... The BS stays w/ a cheater while Mickey gets a new chance at deserving love. Do you as the BS know he won't be better at hiding it next time?? Don't kick a person while they maybe down. 7
starchild699 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 She said she wanted honest answers. The fact is that when s&*^ hits the fan, most MM pick their wives, not the OW. Which is exactly what happened here. But if she wants to waste her life being second best for this "soulmate" of hers, that is certainly her prerogative. You seem to have an obsession with the term 'soul mate(s)' (used in a derogatory tone four times already). I don't recall Mickey having used it once, or it even appearing in her thread until now. Yes, Mickey said she wanted honest answers, but if I recall you've also stated elsewhere "not everything is black and white...there are shades of gray" (took the words right out of my mouth). Comments, however honest/truthful in your eyes, can always be tempered with compassion. We're all here for the same reason, WhiteOrchid, for support. 4
starchild699 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 (edited) You seem to have an obsession with the term 'soul mate(s)' (used in a derogatory tone four times already). I don't recall Mickey having used it once, or it even appearing in her thread until now. Yes, Mickey said she wanted honest answers, but if I recall you've also stated elsewhere "not everything is black and white...there are shades of gray" (took the words right out of my mouth). Comments, however honest/truthful in your eyes, can always be tempered with compassion. We're all here for the same reason, WhiteOrchid, for support. Okay, after re-reading Mickey's OT, I stand corrected. She did refer to xMM as her soul-mate, <Is it possible for that to happen when you are hit with a d-day? Is the force of reality so harsh that you can immediately fall out of love with your ‘soulmate’ and back in love with your wife who you claimed to love like a ‘sister’ for years?> Mickey also wrote, < I am devastated beyond belief and search for answers to help ease the pain of this mess I have gotten myself into.> I stand by my original assertion that the term 'soul mates' appeared craftily applied by WhiteOrchid in ways that were more hurtful than helpful. Edited April 4, 2014 by starchild699
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 The only way he will "come back" to you is if the wife kicks him to the curb and he has no other choice. You will be the second choice. The fact is, MM will say whatever is necessary to continue getting what they want from you. Most of it is a lie. Does he "love" you? Probably not. Does he love what you provide for him? Sure. Just as he lies to his wife, he lies to you. Rarely are things as bad at home as he portrays. And in order to continue getting what he wants from you, he will say whatever makes you happy. Confessions of love and blathering about "soulmates" typically do the trick. If he really loved you and thought you were his "soulmate," he would have left the wife already and started a life with you, without the necessity of a D-Day. But in actuality, all you are/were is the side piece. The fun fantasy on the side. When faced with the reality of losing his family, home and everything he has worked for, the affair fog breaks, and it is you that gets thrown under the bus. To him, you are not worth the cost. Affairs are exciting and fun. There is no mundane day-to-day typical relationship stress like financial issues, kids, cleaning up after him, dealing with all his issues, etc. It is easy to think you are "soulmates" when the only time you spend together is fun and carefree. No real life issues to bother with. Time to move on. He has made his choice clear. And it is not you. I understand your point of view and would never cause you additional pain by rubbing my opinion on your forum. I'm sorry you are still hurting as the BS. 1
Hope Shimmers Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Excellent response Mickey. WhiteOrchid, I read your post on the other forum, and as Mickey said, no one here is going to post anything that would hurt you further. I'm sorry you have had to deal with your H's multiple affairs. It sounds like the two of you worked it out so that he is staying in the marriage and everyone is happy - I am glad for you. I also saw the statement you made "even good people can have affairs". I hope you will remember that there are many people who end up very, very hurt when affairs happen. We are all just trying to heal, so compassion is very important. 3
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 You have no idea that this 'hysterical bonding' is going on. I suspect it may be over-stated in terms of how often it really happens (just my opinion). Even if it is, it changes nothing. If I were a BS I would tell my husband to go hysterical bond with himself. Again, just my opinion. If I were you I would not even think about it. There is nothing wrong with grieving and crying. It is a slow process. Just take it from one day to the next, or even one hour or minute to the next. Baby steps. Thank you, friend. You ALWAYS know exactly what I seem to need...... 3
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 “perfect dream. horrible nightmare”… so damn true.. my thoughts today.
Hope Shimmers Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Thank you, friend. You ALWAYS know exactly what I seem to need...... You're welcome. I've been there! Are you doing okay today?
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 5, 2014 Author Posted April 5, 2014 You're welcome. I've been there! Are you doing okay today? Hi Hope! Up and down today...I get like this after meeting with my therapist (yesterday). We had a deep discussion about my hangup with his 180 degree change of feelings and his mean demeanor after d-day (texts about how great his marriage now was, etc). She thinks this is a huge part of me being unable to let go--I'm looking for answers, closure, wanting contact with him to get it....Unfortunately, the day will probably never come nor will the answers. Anyway, I think that you mentioned the power of time in a previous post...TIME. I think TIME is my best friend now and really the only thing that is ever going to get me past these feelings.
Hope Shimmers Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 Hi Hope! Up and down today...I get like this after meeting with my therapist (yesterday). We had a deep discussion about my hangup with his 180 degree change of feelings and his mean demeanor after d-day (texts about how great his marriage now was, etc). She thinks this is a huge part of me being unable to let go--I'm looking for answers, closure, wanting contact with him to get it....Unfortunately, the day will probably never come nor will the answers. Anyway, I think that you mentioned the power of time in a previous post...TIME. I think TIME is my best friend now and really the only thing that is ever going to get me past these feelings. Time is what heals. That's what did it for me. I used to ask myself all of those questions and it just tore me up inside, so I know how you feel. You are an intelligent, sensitive woman with terrific insight and much love to give. Any man who walks away from you is an idiot. You will find one who isn't! 2
enya46 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Hello Mickey (and all), I'm new around here. I've been reading your posts for hours now and the ones of the people supporting and sharing their experiences with you. I have to say that it is helping me alot to cope with my situation, since I see many common points between what you are going through day in day out and what is happening to me. Unfortunately, I am at an earlier stage, but all the questions you post, all your justified doubts are like a mirror to mine. I hope I can express myself in a proper English, since it's not my mother tounge, and I will try to share my sadness and distress to the possible extent, but also my compliments and admiration to all of you who are respectfully trying to analyse each others words. This forum is in a good way so different from others I have been reading. 1
Snipercatt Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Dear Mickey, it seems you are searching for answers concerning how you and This married man could have been so "in love", yet he has gone cold upon discovery. Think back to when/if you were caught doing something you had hoped would never come to light. Remember the catch you felt in your throat, and chest, scared of the consequences to you of your behavior. Consider how you urgently sought to rehabilitate your reputation, and perhaps hide ALL the sordid details of your nefarious thoughts and actions. This may be where this married man found himself upon discovery day. It doesn't mean he didn't care for you. It could mean that, but not necessarily. Even were he to talk with you, you can not absolutely know, either way. His cold behaviour towards you could mean he cared more for his wife, or his marriage, than he led you to believe, but not necessarily. Can you see thqt no matter anything he were to say to you it wouldn't give you closure? If he says he discovered he loves his wife you would wonder how he could then have acted so loving towards you. If he says he loves you then you would wonder how he could act so coldly towards you. There will never be an answer from him that will satisfy you Your closure comes when YOU DECIDE it does. I wish you that closure. 2
Author Mickey1982 Posted May 1, 2014 Author Posted May 1, 2014 Dear Mickey, it seems you are searching for answers concerning how you and This married man could have been so "in love", yet he has gone cold upon discovery. Think back to when/if you were caught doing something you had hoped would never come to light. Remember the catch you felt in your throat, and chest, scared of the consequences to you of your behavior. Consider how you urgently sought to rehabilitate your reputation, and perhaps hide ALL the sordid details of your nefarious thoughts and actions. This may be where this married man found himself upon discovery day. It doesn't mean he didn't care for you. It could mean that, but not necessarily. Even were he to talk with you, you can not absolutely know, either way. His cold behaviour towards you could mean he cared more for his wife, or his marriage, than he led you to believe, but not necessarily. Can you see thqt no matter anything he were to say to you it wouldn't give you closure? If he says he discovered he loves his wife you would wonder how he could then have acted so loving towards you. If he says he loves you then you would wonder how he could act so coldly towards you. There will never be an answer from him that will satisfy you Your closure comes when YOU DECIDE it does. I wish you that closure. Thank you Snipercatt. Your advice is right on and much appreciated. I just wish it wasn't taking me so long to see the light and move on.... 1
Recommended Posts