Heart of Dixie Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 I would like to share some quotes from the book "He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. It's a good book that you should read one day if you have time. These quotes summarize everything I want to say to you in a much more eloquent way that I am capable of: ~ “Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.” ~ "Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.” ~ “Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you.” ~ "There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend." I hope you find them as inspiring as I do. Things will get better. It will take time, but you'll one day be glad that xMM is out of your life. You deserve better. 2
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 Mickey, I completely understand. It's probably the biggest thing I struggle with...just accepting that we aren't going to be in each other's lives anymore, in any way. It feels like I'm grieving a death. But if I'm being honest with myself, this is the only way it would ever end. We tried to end it many times and still be "friends" and it never worked. It was too hard to pretend like we didn't want more and we always ended up back in the A. Even if he hadn't had a D Day, the only way to get out would have been NC, and we had to get out. He was never going to leave his family and he was always honest with me about his feelings. And even though I didn't want it to end and I didn't want to lose him, I was never going to leave my family either. We just kept prolonging it because it hurt too much to end it. And because of our selfishness and inability to deal with the pain of ending it, other people have been deeply hurt in the process which is something we never wanted. I wasn't strong enough to walk away before but I have to be strong enough to stay away now, for both of our sakes. I know that our situations are different so I'm not trying to tell you that won't hear from your xMM again. You very well might. I just know that in my case, it is really, truly over this time and it's in my best interest to figure out how to accept it and move on. I still struggle every day with "acceptance" but I do think it will continue to get better with time. My exMM is NOT coming back either. I am 99.99% sure of that. And, while I too know it is for the best, I have to admit that I much further behind than you in 'acceptance.'
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 I would like to share some quotes from the book "He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. It's a good book that you should read one day if you have time. These quotes summarize everything I want to say to you in a much more eloquent way that I am capable of: ~ “Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.” ~ "Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.” ~ “Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you.” ~ "There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend." I hope you find them as inspiring as I do. Things will get better. It will take time, but you'll one day be glad that xMM is out of your life. You deserve better. Thank you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much Heart of Dixie....today has been a really tough day. I listened to a darn saved voice mail by accident a few days ago and I'm a mess ever since...I bolded the part that really hits home. Thanks for taking the time to share when I really needed it most.....hugs to you.
LearningToMoveOn Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 My exMM is NOT coming back either. I am 99.99% sure of that. And, while I too know it is for the best, I have to admit that I much further behind than you in 'acceptance.' Well, first, I'm further out than you. And more importantly, I think you were more blindsided than I was. Even though xAP and I were in a "good place" and planning to see each other the next day, as I mentioned, we had ended it and had the goodbye talk more times than I can count. He had been very honest about not wanting to get a divorce and had told me numerous times that his happiness was not more important than his children's happiness. So, I should have been prepared for him to completely abandon me on D Day, but I wasn't. I never let myself think about a D Day but I just always assumed he would do damage control or that at the very least, we could talk about it and say our goodbyes. I'm incredibly hurt by the way it all went down, even though it's my fault for not seeing it coming. If you hadn't ever talked about ending it and he told you he was unhappy in his marriage, I can see why you would be so completely blindsided and shocked by this and it would be much harder to accept. I also talk a good game about "acceptance" but the reality is that there are days where I want to scream at him and ask him how he could treat me like this and other days where I want to apologize for screwing up his life. I'm all over the place. My point is, don't beat yourself up about not being further along. I think it's going to be a very long process for me and some days it seems to be one step forward, two steps back. 1
Cocochai Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 My exMM is NOT coming back either. I am 99.99% sure of that. And, while I too know it is for the best, I have to admit that I much further behind than you in 'acceptance.' The movie was pretty good to.
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 Well, first, I'm further out than you. And more importantly, I think you were more blindsided than I was. Even though xAP and I were in a "good place" and planning to see each other the next day, as I mentioned, we had ended it and had the goodbye talk more times than I can count. He had been very honest about not wanting to get a divorce and had told me numerous times that his happiness was not more important than his children's happiness. So, I should have been prepared for him to completely abandon me on D Day, but I wasn't. I never let myself think about a D Day but I just always assumed he would do damage control or that at the very least, we could talk about it and say our goodbyes. I'm incredibly hurt by the way it all went down, even though it's my fault for not seeing it coming. If you hadn't ever talked about ending it and he told you he was unhappy in his marriage, I can see why you would be so completely blindsided and shocked by this and it would be much harder to accept. I also talk a good game about "acceptance" but the reality is that there are days where I want to scream at him and ask him how he could treat me like this and other days where I want to apologize for screwing up his life. I'm all over the place. My point is, don't beat yourself up about not being further along. I think it's going to be a very long process for me and some days it seems to be one step forward, two steps back. I miss him terribly. But from all I have read, TIME will wear these feelings down. Which is a good thing--because in my heart I know that they were meant to be worn down long ago. I'm not meant to be with him. He made a decision that closed that road. There is only one road out now. Only one road-----to healing. 3
Owl Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Time...but most importantly, what you fill it with. You need to fill your time with something new,something different, something that isn't 'him'. You need to fill your mind with things other than 'him'. You need to redirect your focus, your energy, into other things. Hit the gym. Take up martial arts (that will take up time, energy, and focus). Resume an old hobby. Start a new one you've always wanted to try. Excersise to exhaustion, so that when you lay down at night, you're too tired to let your last thought be of him. Fill your schedule, so you're too busy for your first thought in the morning to be of him. LIVE YOUR LIFE. That's what will heal you. 6
starchild699 Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Mickey, I completely understand. It's probably the biggest thing I struggle with...just accepting that we aren't going to be in each other's lives anymore, in any way. It feels like I'm grieving a death. But if I'm being honest with myself, this is the only way it would ever end. We tried to end it many times and still be "friends" and it never worked. It was too hard to pretend like we didn't want more and we always ended up back in the A. Even if he hadn't had a D Day, the only way to get out would have been NC, and we had to get out. He was never going to leave his family and he was always honest with me about his feelings. And even though I didn't want it to end and I didn't want to lose him, I was never going to leave my family either. We just kept prolonging it because it hurt too much to end it. And because of our selfishness and inability to deal with the pain of ending it, other people have been deeply hurt in the process which is something we never wanted. I wasn't strong enough to walk away before but I have to be strong enough to stay away now, for both of our sakes. I know that our situations are different so I'm not trying to tell you that won't hear from your xMM again. You very well might. I just know that in my case, it is really, truly over this time and it's in my best interest to figure out how to accept it and move on. I still struggle every day with "acceptance" but I do think it will continue to get better with time. Oh my, yet another post I could've written. I did leave my marriage during the A but our families remained entwined and so the inner conflict/turmoil you described was ever present, when dday hit pure devastation. It's so cathartic to come here and read others are thinking/have gone through the same. Big Hugs, starchild 2
starchild699 Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Well, first, I'm further out than you. And more importantly, I think you were more blindsided than I was. Even though xAP and I were in a "good place" and planning to see each other the next day, as I mentioned, we had ended it and had the goodbye talk more times than I can count. He had been very honest about not wanting to get a divorce and had told me numerous times that his happiness was not more important than his children's happiness. So, I should have been prepared for him to completely abandon me on D Day, but I wasn't. I never let myself think about a D Day but I just always assumed he would do damage control or that at the very least, we could talk about it and say our goodbyes. I'm incredibly hurt by the way it all went down, even though it's my fault for not seeing it coming. If you hadn't ever talked about ending it and he told you he was unhappy in his marriage, I can see why you would be so completely blindsided and shocked by this and it would be much harder to accept. I also talk a good game about "acceptance" but the reality is that there are days where I want to scream at him and ask him how he could treat me like this and other days where I want to apologize for screwing up his life. I'm all over the place. My point is, don't beat yourself up about not being further along. I think it's going to be a very long process for me and some days it seems to be one step forward, two steps back. Wow, Learning, we seem to be kindred spirits in similarities with what we've been through and outlook going forward. My xMM was/is a very involved dad. He's exactly where he needs to be. Likewise, since dday I've been very focused on my daughter, making up for lost time. Owl offered up excellent advice, healthy alternatives to help get un-stuck from the mind trap. starchild 1
starchild699 Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Time...but most importantly, what you fill it with. You need to fill your time with something new,something different, something that isn't 'him'. You need to fill your mind with things other than 'him'. You need to redirect your focus, your energy, into other things. Hit the gym. Take up martial arts (that will take up time, energy, and focus). Resume an old hobby. Start a new one you've always wanted to try. Excersise to exhaustion, so that when you lay down at night, you're too tired to let your last thought be of him. Fill your schedule, so you're too busy for your first thought in the morning to be of him. LIVE YOUR LIFE. That's what will heal you. /\ THIS/\ times a 1000...Print n save worthy! sc
solostand Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 One thing that actually helped me was every time a thought of xmm and xmm related issues, I deployed an imaginary shield around my heart. It was made of iron and it was meant to stop those feelings from reaching my heart. It worked amazingly well, for me.
Pastypop Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Honestly, I don't think he loves you or his wife. The only person he cares about is himself and his image. He is just a user. As soon as his wife turns a blind eye he will be cheating again. I don't think he will contact you but will find a new victim instead. In time, when the raw pain and isolation has died down, you be glad that he is his wife's problem and not yours. She has made her choice to stay with an abuser. You however, a free to find someone who has integrity and accountability. 2
Leegh Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 I have had guys that were not married, that when I met them would call me 3 or 4 times in one evening, then after several weeks/months, they were gone with the wind. I do think men fall in love faster than women and also I think men fall out of love faster than women. If your fellow does come back, possibly you could give him six months to make a decision. You sound great, and I would give it a little more time, if he comes back, but no more than six months. Good Luck
Speakingofwhich Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Mickey, a really great book for getting through suffering is called A Path Through Suffering by Elisabeth Elliott. Have read this one and it's really encouraging! Elisabeth's husband, whom she'd loved from afar for years before they dated and then while they dated for many years, was murdered when she was a fairly young bride and had an 18 month-old daughter. She also wrote, The Path of Loneliness, which is also excellent. Have read it, too. A classic devotional book for moving through grief is Streams in the Desert by Charles E. Cowman, compiled by L B Cowman. I haven't read it all but have read some of it and what I've read is excellent. 1
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 30, 2014 Author Posted March 30, 2014 Mickey, a really great book for getting through suffering is called A Path Through Suffering by Elisabeth Elliott. Have read this one and it's really encouraging! Elisabeth's husband, whom she'd loved from afar for years before they dated and then while they dated for many years, was murdered when she was a fairly young bride and had an 18 month-old daughter. She also wrote, The Path of Loneliness, which is also excellent. Have read it, too. A classic devotional book for moving through grief is Streams in the Desert by Charles E. Cowman, compiled by L B Cowman. I haven't read it all but have read some of it and what I've read is excellent. Thanks speakingofwhich! I'm going to check into buying at least one of them on Amazon later today. hugs for thinking of me! 1
Speakingofwhich Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Thanks speakingofwhich! I'm going to check into buying at least one of them on Amazon later today. hugs for thinking of me! Hugs to you, too, Mickey! The really wonderful aspect of all of this for you is that you're on the pathway to emotional freedom! It's as if you've headed out on a road trip to a fantastic destination and you've already left your house! You're flying on down the road leaving miles of heartache in the dust behind you! Look around you and you'll see you're on the road with many others; some traveling faster than you, some slower, but all helping each other get there! Because plenty of people are on a journey of getting through some kind of trial, even if it's not exactly the same as yours is. Go Mickey!!!! :):)
alwayswelcome Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Hello everybody...this is my first post here.....yes it does happen that people show that they are in and out of a relationship quickly but the truth is then they always had a doubt in the relationship...it has happened to me in the past so I can relate to it...happy healing...the world is a beautiful place and dont worry you will keep meeting beautiful human beings too...who will be worthy of you and your love...all the best !
tornado Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 You are on the wrong forum, you should be on the one for teenage boys Most men are in fact childish, coward, teenage boys in their head. Real men are very rare. I thought my MM was one but he was just playing a role. I suppose he's a good comedian. I'm just angry at myself at having not been able to see his true self from the beginning. Oh, well, things happen. 1
ZMM Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I guess the main questions asked in OP, was whether MM loved you and whether he would come back after D-Day. My thoughts - whether he loved you - most likely yes will he come back after D-Day - maybe There have been a lot of generalizations made here about men - Mickey, I don't know if I would buy into those if I were you. Generalizations are not always accurate when applied to a particular person and sometimes they aren't even accurate as a generalization. Perhaps if these were made by men about women, it might be called sexist. 1
LearningToMoveOn Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I think the question is whether he still loves her / cares for her or did his D Day really change everything. That's the question I struggle with all of the time. I'm sure my xAP did love me at one time but I have no idea what he feels post D Day. I worry that everything he felt for me is gone and I no longer mean anything to him. That feeling really stems from the way he was able to completely discard me on D Day. And Mickey struggles because of the emails / texts she received after D Day from her xMM telling her how happy he is now and how great his marriage is now. Unfortunately, I probably won't ever have an answer to my question because only my xAP knows his true feelings and I'll never get to talk to him again. I didn't do anything to make him hate me. I've tried to act with dignity and will never break NC. I do wish I knew how he felt but hopefully that goes away with time. 2
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 I think the question is whether he still loves her / cares for her or did his D Day really change everything. That's the question I struggle with all of the time. I'm sure my xAP did love me at one time but I have no idea what he feels post D Day. I worry that everything he felt for me is gone and I no longer mean anything to him. That feeling really stems from the way he was able to completely discard me on D Day. And Mickey struggles because of the emails / texts she received after D Day from her xMM telling her how happy he is now and how great his marriage is now. Unfortunately, I probably won't ever have an answer to my question because only my xAP knows his true feelings and I'll never get to talk to him again. I didn't do anything to make him hate me. I've tried to act with dignity and will never break NC. I do wish I knew how he felt but hopefully that goes away with time. LearningToMoveOn, thanks for replying! You are much stronger than me. Smack me beside the head for saying this, but it is killing me that he has not tried to contact me since our last conversation. He did tell me that he loved me at that time, but unlike ALL these other MM who do resume contact, mine has not and we did not agree on a formal NC. It sort of just happened. What is wrong with me? I should be embracing the NC yet everyday I wake up hoping today may be the day...I guess I'm still not ready to officially let go.....sigh.
Owl Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 LearningToMoveOn, thanks for replying! You are much stronger than me. Smack me beside the head for saying this, but it is killing me that he has not tried to contact me since our last conversation. He did tell me that he loved me at that time, but unlike ALL these other MM who do resume contact, mine has not and we did not agree on a formal NC. It sort of just happened. What is wrong with me? I should be embracing the NC yet everyday I wake up hoping today may be the day...I guess I'm still not ready to officially let go.....sigh. Mickey...I mean no offense with this. But the bottom line is that he's not attempted to contact you. He's made a choice. Unlike a lot of those other MM out there that waffle back and forth, keeping both his BW and his AP on the hook for as long as they can...he made a choice, and his actions indicate he's sticking to it. I know his choice hurts you. At the end of the day, the best thing you can do for yourself is actually let go. Accept that it's over, grieve for the end of the relationship, and start moving on. Every day that you wake up with the hope that today is the day that he'll call...is another day that you've wasted on him. You won't start to heal, start to recover from this, until you actually do let it go. Until you choose to recognize his choice, and walk away. 5
LearningToMoveOn Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 LearningToMoveOn, thanks for replying! You are much stronger than me. Smack me beside the head for saying this, but it is killing me that he has not tried to contact me since our last conversation. He did tell me that he loved me at that time, but unlike ALL these other MM who do resume contact, mine has not and we did not agree on a formal NC. It sort of just happened. What is wrong with me? I should be embracing the NC yet everyday I wake up hoping today may be the day...I guess I'm still not ready to officially let go.....sigh. Mickey, I totally get it. You feel that way because the door was left open a little, so to speak. My xAP and I had ended the A 6 months prior to his D Day (one of our many failed attempts) and while we had decided to stop the A, we never said we were officially going NC and I felt the same way as you. I woke up every day wondering why I hadn't heard from him and why he wasn't contacting me. If your xAP never said anything indicating he was done contacting you, that is why you are continuing to hold out hope. I wish my xAP would contact me to tell me he's sorry for how he handled D Day, he's sorry about how he carelessly discarded me after 5 years, he still cares for me etc. But he won't. I'm sure he is sorry but it doesn't change anything because it's over one way or the other. 1
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 Mickey...I mean no offense with this. But the bottom line is that he's not attempted to contact you. He's made a choice. Unlike a lot of those other MM out there that waffle back and forth, keeping both his BW and his AP on the hook for as long as they can...he made a choice, and his actions indicate he's sticking to it. I know his choice hurts you. At the end of the day, the best thing you can do for yourself is actually let go. Accept that it's over, grieve for the end of the relationship, and start moving on. Every day that you wake up with the hope that today is the day that he'll call...is another day that you've wasted on him. You won't start to heal, start to recover from this, until you actually do let it go. Until you choose to recognize his choice, and walk away. Owl, YOU are SO RIGHT. I know you are. Yes, his choice has crushed me. Yes, he is sticking to it and I should know better beacuse that is the type of person he is. Yes, I know it is for the best. I see my therapist on Thursday---she is convinced the only way I will ever let go is to get 'mad' at him. Unfortunately, that is so against my very being. I'm the sappy one who always gets hurt. The ride continues...........
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 Mickey, I totally get it. You feel that way because the door was left open a little, so to speak. My xAP and I had ended the A 6 months prior to his D Day (one of our many failed attempts) and while we had decided to stop the A, we never said we were officially going NC and I felt the same way as you. I woke up every day wondering why I hadn't heard from him and why he wasn't contacting me. If your xAP never said anything indicating he was done contacting you, that is why you are continuing to hold out hope. I wish my xAP would contact me to tell me he's sorry for how he handled D Day, he's sorry about how he carelessly discarded me after 5 years, he still cares for me etc. But he won't. I'm sure he is sorry but it doesn't change anything because it's over one way or the other. You totally get it---it's the way it ended. Poof, gone in an instant with a million unanswered questions. A complete disregard for the person who you shared everyday of your life with in some capacity. I'll never understand it all. Again, you seem closer to recovery than me---you have accepted that it is over whereas I continue to hope. And, I know I shouldn't. He was VERY devastated on his d-day and I know he is giving his marriage his best attempt at R. I am just confused with your story, you ended the A 6 months before d-day, but did not go complete NC until d-day?
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