Out of Love so Easily?????

[krazikat]

I am sorry KK what I meant to say was that your Hs relationship was never gonna be love, he was on drugs. So it did not compare with the OP. He fell out of love as in he was not in love in the first place. respect? so in that respect, you are at a greater advantage for reconciliation? We are all here out of pain, no one's pain is greater than another's

 

Gotcha, and I can see your point...it was a toxic situation all around. What I do know is that she was in love and admitted toe that her whole world was around him and even called herself obsessed. So though each situation has its own unique attributes, his ow was deeply hurt by his sudden disappearance from her life.

 

So lets say he was not in love but she was very much in love...this is one scenario for op, with or without being inebriated it hurts like hell. I know...ow cried to me about it. It was horrible for me to be comforting a woman who knowingly messed with my man but she was so hurt it was heartbreaking and confusing for me on top of my own devastation.

 

There are many here who have admitted either that or AP used...I don't think that lessened the hurt when it all blows up.

 

Do you remember how I also have tried to talk to you with respect and understanding? Read my post about ow. We all hurt from affairs. We all have lasting side effects from these affairs. So, drugs or no, affairs are toxic.

[tornado]

Men ----> lust

Women ----> love

 

Women think they are loved when it is all about lust.

Men talk about "love" to get what they want.

[Mickey1982]

Mickey, I just wanted to add, I felt 'lost' for many many months. I'd lost my best friend without an opportunity to say goodbye and the addictive nature of affairs makes it hard to stop 'the loop' that will play over and over and over in your head. That's why exercise, getting out of the house, away from the computer is critical. Someone else wrote and I concur based on my experience, mentally prepare for a year minimum to feel somewhat normal again. Even then you'll still fight pangs.

 

I've remained NC with xMM but we still live in close proximity and our daughters remain friends so there are still triggers, life events and 'sightings' that yank my heartstrings. If you have some geographical distance consider it a blessing.

 

I like what ZMM wrote...

<You are going to make it, You are going to be fine. Stay positive. Think good thoughts about yourself. Remember how lovable of a person you are.>

 

My brother wrote me a similar message shortly after dday, adding: find something you love and hold on to it. For me, it was my daughter. She's been my saving grace. I felt myself finally turn a corner at year one. I'm feeling sunlight happiness and joy again. You will too.

 

Lastly, I find I'm always doing better when my focus is elevated spiritually, upward and outward, not inward. I know I echoed the advice of others to redirect the focus on you, not him - - that still holds true especially in the early months -- but aim to soak up good vibes positivity and enlightenment wherever you can find it and spread it around to others, to help extinguish the dark thoughts. Baby steps. No matter how tiny, each one counts. I'll send you some helpful links when I have more time.

 

hugs,

starchild

 

Starchild----please send me those links when you have time. I too look forward to turning that corner. Thanks for understanding, reaching out and giving me hope.

[Mickey1982]

Mickey, I know what it is like to suffer alone and in silence. I had moved far away from my family and had not made friends, so I was completely alone. The worst was that, the last time I saw OM I became pregnant and he broke up with me shortly after that... I had my baby daughter at approximately 22 weeks (premature) and she lived 20 minutes. I had NO ONE. I could tell NO ONE. And he was back with his wife and not speaking to me.

 

The pain and devastation was beyond words. So I know how you feel. But eventually you have to work through it and focus on yourself and your life.

 

HOPE Shimmers..your post brought me to tears...You are an amazingly strong and HONEST woman. Thank you for sharing your story with me---Even though I still can't imagine getting to the 'other side' of this pain, you have given me the faith that it WILL happen.

[Cocochai]

Men ----> lust

Women ----> love

 

Women think they are loved when it is all about lust.

Men talk about "love" to get what they want.

 

Sounds like Men are natural users to me

 

 

 

 

 

 

[starchild699]

Starchild----please send me those links when you have time. I too look forward to turning that corner. Thanks for understanding, reaching out and giving me hope.

 

Hi Mickey, I'm still here. After reading the forum guidelines it looks like I'll need to PM the links to you, but I can't just yet because as 'newbies' we both have to log a certain number of posts before we have PM privileges.

 

The links are mostly healing/grief/inspirational blogs and a couple non-profit sites, but because there is 'some' merchandise available for purchase (books) I think they fall under the 'for commercial use' category. If the mods could clarify that would be great, otherwise I'll PM soon as I can!

 

How are you holding up?

 

Hugs,

starchild

[Mickey1982]

Hi Mickey, I'm still here. After reading the forum guidelines it looks like I'll need to PM the links to you, but I can't just yet because as 'newbies' we both have to log a certain number of posts before we have PM privileges.

 

The links are mostly healing/grief/inspirational blogs and a couple non-profit sites, but because there is 'some' merchandise available for purchase (books) I think they fall under the 'for commercial use' category. If the mods could clarify that would be great, otherwise I'll PM soon as I can!

 

How are you holding up?

 

Hugs,

starchild

 

starchild----I am hanging in there---good days n bad. Today was a very bad one. I accidentally listened to a voice mail he had left me a few months ago. I saved it and hit it by accident instead of listening to a new one that was just left. It sent me to ground zero. He must have said "I love you" a thousand times and how he dreamed of me the night before as his bride. It was so painful to hear his voice saying those words---it stings to try to understand it will be no more. I'll never get it...NEVER. Did I read your post correct that you were with your exMM on his d-day?

[Hope Shimmers]

HOPE Shimmers..your post brought me to tears...You are an amazingly strong and HONEST woman. Thank you for sharing your story with me---Even though I still can't imagine getting to the 'other side' of this pain, you have given me the faith that it WILL happen.

 

Thank you Mickey

 

You are stronger than you know, and a very intelligent woman - I can tell from your posts (everyone else can, too, which is why your thread has had so much activity). You WILL get through this, I promise you. Never beat yourself up for loving someone too much and for trusting him. That is what life is about. No one knows what the future will hold.

[Hope Shimmers]

Men ----> lust

Women ----> love

 

Women think they are loved when it is all about lust.

Men talk about "love" to get what they want.

 

Wow... this is a sad post. I hope that someday you are able to have a better experience with men.

[starchild699]

starchild----I am hanging in there---good days n bad. Today was a very bad one. I accidentally listened to a voice mail he had left me a few months ago. I saved it and hit it by accident instead of listening to a new one that was just left. It sent me to ground zero. He must have said "I love you" a thousand times and how he dreamed of me the night before as his bride. It was so painful to hear his voice saying those words---it stings to try to understand it will be no more. I'll never get it...NEVER. Did I read your post correct that you were with your exMM on his d-day?

 

 

No, I wasn't with xMM on dday (but we'd been communicating the night before, making plans to see each other, when he went quiet) The next morning his wife called from his cell. She'd intercepted our email exchange. It took my brain a few seconds to catch up and register it was her, I was in such shock. He emailed me the next morning from work saying he could never see or talk to me again. He asked me to 'delete' everything and said he was sorry. Six years together, over and out, with the delete key.

 

You're only nine (ten?) weeks out, Mickey? The wounds are still fresh for a 3+ year affair. It's good you're reaching out. Do you have anyone in person you can talk to as well? I confided to my brother shortly after dday, mainly because I thought I was losing my mind. I also had a close friend overseas (who I'd met on another affair board years earlier) who I skype chatted with almost daily. It was very cathartic to be able to journal out my feelings with her and she was already familiar with mine and xMM's history so I valued her insight. She was extremely patient and kind and we still talk regularly. She's the one that really pushed me to exercise, eat right, and try to get as much rest as possible. I guess I wrote earlier that I was completely alone, but in retrospect I did have those two people to lean on and that was huge. Still, I wanted/needed/missed HIM.

 

I encountered many triggers like you just described that continually knocked me off my feet (plus I think I already mentioned the PDA being broadcast on social media by xMM and BS). My stomach was in one big knot for six months. The first thing I thought about upon waking and falling asleep. I did my best to fake it on the outside, but inside I felt dead. My job suffered tremendously. I pretty much just 'shut down'.

 

Again, my heart goes out to you. Keep posting, it helps to vent. There are many here like me who lived through it and want to help you. Try to get outside and go for a long walk or run when you can. Not sure what part of the country you're in but if the weather's nice.. sunshine and fresh air are very healing. Also yoga.

 

hugs,

starchild

[Hope Shimmers]

No, I wasn't with xMM on dday (but we'd been communicating the night before, making plans to see each other, when he went quiet) The next morning his wife called from his cell. She'd intercepted our email exchange. It took my brain a few seconds to catch up and register it was her, I was in such shock. He emailed me the next morning from work saying he could never see or talk to me again. He asked me to 'delete' everything and said he was sorry. Six years together, over and out, with the delete key.

 

You're only nine (ten?) weeks out, Mickey? The wounds are still fresh for a 3+ year affair. It's good you're reaching out. Do you have anyone in person you can talk to as well? I confided to my brother shortly after dday, mainly because I thought I was losing my mind. I also had a close friend overseas (who I'd met on another affair board years earlier) who I skype chatted with almost daily. It was very cathartic to be able to journal out my feelings with her and she was already familiar with mine and xMM's history so I valued her insight. She was extremely patient and kind and we still talk regularly. She's the one that really pushed me to exercise, eat right, and try to get as much rest as possible. I guess I wrote earlier that I was completely alone, but in retrospect I did have those two people to lean on and that was huge. Still, I wanted/needed/missed HIM.

 

I encountered many triggers like you just described that continually knocked me off my feet (plus I think I already mentioned the PDA being broadcast on social media by xMM and BS). My stomach was in one big knot for six months. The first thing I thought about upon waking and falling asleep. I did my best to fake it on the outside, but inside I felt dead. My job suffered tremendously. I pretty much just 'shut down'.

 

Again, my heart goes out to you. Keep posting, it helps to vent. There are many here like me who lived through it and want to help you. Try to get outside and go for a long walk or run when you can. Not sure what part of the country you're in but if the weather's nice.. sunshine and fresh air are very healing. Also yoga.

 

hugs,

starchild

 

Ouch starchild.... that had to have been horribly devastating. Six years... just poof. I am so sorry for what you had to go through.

 

Maybe you said this earlier and I missed it, but have you ever heard from him since that last conversation when he told you to delete everything?

[Bootsie]

No, I wasn't with xMM on dday (but we'd been communicating the night before, making plans to see each other, when he went quiet) The next morning his wife called from his cell. She'd intercepted our email exchange. It took my brain a few seconds to catch up and register it was her, I was in such shock. He emailed me the next morning from work saying he could never see or talk to me again. He asked me to 'delete' everything and said he was sorry. Six years together, over and out, with the delete key.

 

...

hugs,

starchild

 

 

I'm still reading and this sounds so painful. I will never understand how the MMs get themselves into this situation where at some point they may have to cause such severe hurt to someone they have loved and cared for.

 

 

I think that before D-day many of them avoid thinking about it and then on D-day they feel they are faced with a very unpalatable choice, (whom to hurt), but in many ways it's almost inevitable from the start that at least one, if not both women are going to suffer. Maybe they try to "shut down" the "love" for the non-chosen one. I just don't know.

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm still reading and this sounds so painful. I will never understand how the MMs get themselves into this situation where at some point they may have to cause such severe hurt to someone they have loved and cared for.

 

 

I think that before D-day many of them avoid thinking about it and then on D-day they feel they are faced with a very unpalatable choice, (whom to hurt), but in many ways it's almost inevitable from the start that at least one, if not both women are going to suffer. Maybe they try to "shut down" the "love" for the non-chosen one. I just don't know.

 

Thanks Bootsie. My ex-MM loved (loves) his wife... he never lied about that. He was really honest with me after we broke things off and said that he loves me too, but he shouldn't have allowed himself to fall in love with someone other than his wife and that she was part of him. They have been married many years and have children together. I know he loves her and she certainly deserved to be the one he 'picked'. It was never a choice really, even though they were separated when I met him. It was always her.

[starchild699]

Thanks Bootsie. My ex-MM loved (loves) his wife... he never lied about that. He was really honest with me after we broke things off and said that he loves me too, but he shouldn't have allowed himself to fall in love with someone other than his wife and that she was part of him. They have been married many years and have children together. I know he loves her and she certainly deserved to be the one he 'picked'. It was never a choice really, even though they were separated when I met him. It was always her.

 

 

I think Bootsie was referring to my post , Hope, but maybe both as our stories seem similar. I do know I could've written your reply almost word for word (except for the 'separated' part). I don't want to h/j OP so maybe I will post my story in a new thread, after I've given it more thought, for those who've inquired. I've left a lot out and not yet comfortable about how much I want to divulge on a public forum. Hugs and much love to all.

 

starchild

Edited March 28, 2014 by starchild699

[Hope Shimmers]

I think Bootsie was referring to my post , Hope, but maybe both as our stories seem similar. I do know I could've written your reply almost word for word (except for the 'separated' part). I'm going to refrain from posting any more details about my sitch, in this thread, as I don't want to h/j OP. Maybe I will start a new post when I have more time, for those who've inquired. I've left a lot out and not yet comfortable about how much I want to divulge on a public forum. Hugs and much love to all.

 

starchild

 

Thanks starchild -- I know she was referring to your post. I just thought it was a great post and very nice to hear from a BS so I wanted to thank her. Sorry I wasn't more clear!

 

I understand about not being comfortable - sorry for asking too many questions. I don't want to hijack Mickey's thread either, and thought about that, but figured she might have the same questions anyway. Take care!

[solostand]

There's not much I can say for comfort except I feel your pain, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and remember "this too shall pass". Try not to think of the past, focus on today.

 

Some concrete things: Do NOT under any circumstances listen to any songs that had significance to you two. We had several of "our" songs and I refuse to listen to them.

 

If you have pictures of him, delete them or do not look at them. I have pics of my xMM but I have refused to look at them.

 

Throw out anything he gave you (unless its expensive jewellery). I threw out xmm's birthday card and I did keep the cash, but I gave the gift card away.

[Mickey1982]

Thanks starchild -- I know she was referring to your post. I just thought it was a great post and very nice to hear from a BS so I wanted to thank her. Sorry I wasn't more clear!

 

I understand about not being comfortable - sorry for asking too many questions. I don't want to hijack Mickey's thread either, and thought about that, but figured she might have the same questions anyway. Take care!

 

Starchild/hope shimmers----neither of you are h/j my thread! You have BOTH helped more than you will ever know!

[Mickey1982]

There's not much I can say for comfort except I feel your pain, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and remember "this too shall pass". Try not to think of the past, focus on today.

 

Some concrete things: Do NOT under any circumstances listen to any songs that had significance to you two. We had several of "our" songs and I refuse to listen to them.

 

If you have pictures of him, delete them or do not look at them. I have pics of my xMM but I have refused to look at them.

 

Throw out anything he gave you (unless its expensive jewellery). I threw out xmm's birthday card and I did keep the cash, but I gave the gift card away.

 

 

I wish I could toss and delete-----I'm just not there yet...

[EnderA]

I wish I could toss and delete-----I'm just not there yet...

 

You might have to force youself there. No healing starts until you do. By keeping things around, you are keeping your hope alive despite all that your eyes see and your ears hear. You're better than that. You WANT to be better than that.

 

Someday, you'll have the opportunity to help some poor person in your spot right now. And you'll be great at it.

[Mickey1982]

Ouch starchild.... that had to have been horribly devastating. Six years... just poof. I am so sorry for what you had to go through.

 

Maybe you said this earlier and I missed it, but have you ever heard from him since that last conversation when he told you to delete everything?

 

starchild---I'd be curious as well if your exMM has returned after that last communication?????

[Mickey1982]

You might have to force youself there. No healing starts until you do. By keeping things around, you are keeping your hope alive despite all that your eyes see and your ears hear. You're better than that. You WANT to be better than that.

 

Someday, you'll have the opportunity to help some poor person in your spot right now. And you'll be great at it.

 

Thank you EnderA. I know you are right....I'm trying. I really am. Baby baby steps.....unfortunately.

[LearningToMoveOn]

Starchild, just chiming in to say that my Dday was very similar to yours though she never contacted me. We were emailing with plans to see each other the next day (after not seeing each other in months) and I got the email from him that she had just confronted him, he told her the truth, and he was done contacting me. Complete and total shock. 5 years over in an instant. I spent the night shaking and vomiting but that was also from the pure fear that she would contact my H. I'm only about 3 months out but I am certain I will never hear from him again.

[Waverly]

I wish I could toss and delete-----I'm just not there yet...

 

It's ok. You will be. And baby steps are ok -- they're still steps, you know? I have been incredibly slow to "get over" my A (not sure I ever really will, if I'm being honest). I am nowhere near there yet, but I'm a few millimeters closer than I was a few weeks ago, and I'm trying to remind myself that that's ok. It's progress. Everyone goes at their own pace, and unfortunately, I'm a slow one, but I'll get there. So will you.

 

I still have a couple of pictures. They're nothing incriminating, and I try not to look at them, but they're there. I finally brought myself to delete all of the emails not that long ago. I won't lie, it hurt. But they're gone now, and it's one less thing I have to hold onto and torture myself with.

[Mickey1982]

Starchild, just chiming in to say that my Dday was very similar to yours though she never contacted me. We were emailing with plans to see each other the next day (after not seeing each other in months) and I got the email from him that she had just confronted him, he told her the truth, and he was done contacting me. Complete and total shock. 5 years over in an instant. I spent the night shaking and vomiting but that was also from the pure fear that she would contact my H. I'm only about 3 months out but I am certain I will never hear from him again.

 

If I think TOO much about never hearing from him or having him in my life any more, I get physically sick. I can't go there even for a second.....

[LearningToMoveOn]

Mickey, I completely understand. It's probably the biggest thing I struggle with...just accepting that we aren't going to be in each other's lives anymore, in any way. It feels like I'm grieving a death. But if I'm being honest with myself, this is the only way it would ever end. We tried to end it many times and still be "friends" and it never worked. It was too hard to pretend like we didn't want more and we always ended up back in the A.

 

Even if he hadn't had a D Day, the only way to get out would have been NC, and we had to get out. He was never going to leave his family and he was always honest with me about his feelings. And even though I didn't want it to end and I didn't want to lose him, I was never going to leave my family either. We just kept prolonging it because it hurt too much to end it. And because of our selfishness and inability to deal with the pain of ending it, other people have been deeply hurt in the process which is something we never wanted. I wasn't strong enough to walk away before but I have to be strong enough to stay away now, for both of our sakes.

 

I know that our situations are different so I'm not trying to tell you that won't hear from your xMM again. You very well might. I just know that in my case, it is really, truly over this time and it's in my best interest to figure out how to accept it and move on. I still struggle every day with "acceptance" but I do think it will continue to get better with time.