I want to text my ex. Not to reconcile, not to beg for her back, but for closure.

[BC1980]

When we first started talking it was like a couple months after a period where I was in that whole "Screw relationships" attitude. I think I made the mistake of assuming everything was going to be amazing and work out, I let my guard down. How could I have known though?

 

Well, sometimes you don't know, and sometimes there are red flags. For starters, 2 months isn't a very long time, so it's probably best not think that this is for the long haul after only 2 months. I would say that as a blanket statement simply to keep you from getting over invested in something. Of course, there are times when things just come out of the blue. Don't make a value judgement on yourself in these cases.

[CarrieT]

With apologies to CarrieT for stepping in.

No worries, my dear!

 

Kook, Tara is very wise and oftentimes, our advice overlaps. She is wise in many ways, including:

This is why an ex- can never give you closure.

This is why questions asked will simply torture and frustrate you more.

better that you come to terms with the fact that this is over, look to yourself - and move on.

 

I will add that one of the things you describe, Kook, about her distance when you are apart and how into you she was when you were together, are easily described as youth and inexperience.

 

I believe I see this girl who is struggling to discover herself yet, in doing so, is finding validation in her relationships. That is why, when you two were together, she thrived on what you were giving her and yet, when separated, was conflicted about who she was as an individual.

 

And it is time that I pull out the stalwart, Half-Baked Brain Syndrome news link. I reference it a lot because it explains why and how people under the age of 26 are medically not ready to make decisions - or commitments. Their frontal cortex is still in the process of connecting and it makes it difficult to fully comprehend situations and make intelligent decisions.

 

Kook, you are doing just fine. But, as others have said, you will never get full closure, especially when it seems you are looking for it from someone who can't adequately express her own inadequacies. How will she be able to give you closure when she is struggling in her own right to make heads-or-tails of her own existence?

[CarrieT]

How could I have known though?

You never can. And you have to let your guard down if you are ever going to fall in love again. That is the crap-shoot of life....

[TheKook]

Well, sometimes you don't know, and sometimes there are red flags. For starters, 2 months isn't a very long time, so it's probably best not think that this is for the long haul after only 2 months. I would say that as a blanket statement simply to keep you from getting over invested in something. Of course, there are times when things just come out of the blue. Don't make a value judgement on yourself in these cases.

It's around three months because we started talking romantically a month before we got together. Her best friend (Whom is also one of my close friends before I knew my ex) told me my ex sucked at relationships too, and that she wouldn't be worth it for me.

 

I'm just gonna chalk it up that she's young and inexperienced...My ex even told me she had almost no experience. She's one of the most naive people I've ever met. Kinda sucks though, my senior year prom is coming up and I know there are loads of girls who would go with me (I'm one of the most handsome guys at my school) but I have no idea where to start haha.

[TheKook]

No worries, my dear!

 

Kook, Tara is very wise and oftentimes, our advice overlaps. She is wise in many ways, including:

 

 

I will add that one of the things you describe, Kook, about her distance when you are apart and how into you she was when you were together, are easily described as youth and inexperience.

 

I believe I see this girl who is struggling to discover herself yet, in doing so, is finding validation in her relationships. That is why, when you two were together, she thrived on what you were giving her and yet, when separated, was conflicted about who she was as an individual.

 

And it is time that I pull out the stalwart, Half-Baked Brain Syndrome news link. I reference it a lot because it explains why and how people under the age of 26 are medically not ready to make decisions - or commitments. Their frontal cortex is still in the process of connecting and it makes it difficult to fully comprehend situations and make intelligent decisions.

 

Kook, you are doing just fine. But, as others have said, you will never get full closure, especially when it seems you are looking for it from someone who can't adequately express her own inadequacies. How will she be able to give you closure when she is struggling in her own right to make heads-or-tails of her own existence?

Yes! I've heard it form many extremely wise people just like you, that she's just young and very inexperienced.

 

She is an extremely naive person at heart. When I asked her why she had walls up, she replied she has walls up with everyone and has reasons to have those walls up.

 

This is great! I feel like I'm putting things together for the first time since the breakup.

[soccerrprp]

When we first started talking it was like a couple months after a period where I was in that whole "Screw relationships" attitude. I think I made the mistake of assuming everything was going to be amazing and work out, I let my guard down. How could I have known though?

 

TheKook,

 

You can never know for certain. These things happen regardless of age. The whole cerebral-cortex study DOESN'T explain why many young people have, do and continue to make responsible decisions all the time. Don't use it to help explain away why your ex did what she did. People much older still make such "seemingly" impulsive, inexplicable decisions.

 

Closure is time and distance. Really. Like others have said, what good will it do? Do you think she'll give you the answer you want to make you feel "closure" and better? What if she gives you an answer that doesn't? Would that set you back even further? I would say leave it alone and move on. Her explanation would likely not be helpful to you.

[TheKook]

TheKook,

 

You can never know for certain. These things happen regardless of age. The whole cerebral-cortex study DOESN'T explain why many young people have, do and continue to make responsible decisions all the time. Don't use it to help explain away why your ex did what she did. People much older still make such "seemingly" impulsive, inexplicable decisions.

 

Closure is time and distance. Really. Like others have said, what good will it do? Do you think she'll give you the answer you want to make you feel "closure" and better? What if she gives you an answer that doesn't? Would that set you back even further? I would say leave it alone and move on. Her explanation would likely not be helpful to you.

I see it now. I jumped the gun when we got together. My biggest source of relationship experience was with my first love, whom I was with for 11 months. Ever since then I've explored various smaller relationships, trying to look for the same principles. With my ex right now, I hadn't fully known her yet and assumed I had found the chance I was looking for. I over invested myself in somebody who, in reality, wasn't even ready for this...

[SCJACK]

I see it now. I jumped the gun when we got together. My biggest source of relationship experience was with my first love, whom I was with for 11 months. Ever since then I've explored various smaller relationships, trying to look for the same principles. With my ex right now, I hadn't fully known her yet and assumed I had found the chance I was looking for. I over invested myself in somebody who, in reality, wasn't even ready for this...

 

I did the same exact thing, and my relationship lasted 2 months as well. I know how you feel, it sucks not getting closure...but we won't ever get it.. I thought I could get it from some mutual people we know but that just makes me look desperate..

[TheKook]

I did the same exact thing, and my relationship lasted 2 months as well. I know how you feel, it sucks not getting closure...but we won't ever get it.. I thought I could get it from some mutual people we know but that just makes me look desperate..

What happened if you don't mind me asking?

[SCJACK]

What happened if you don't mind me asking?

 

Basically I tried to convince her to get into a relationship with me when I saw she had feelings for me from the signs. She had some issues that held her back from getting into the relationship but I know she wanted it. I told her to take a chance etc and came up with alot of things to convince her/pressure her. She got into the relationship with me and everything was great until Christmas break and she became distant. At that time we weren't seeing each other much so I assume she had time to reassess her decisions and figured she didn't want the relationship. I was always there for her, being supportive, trying to help her, doing everything I can to make her happy and being the best bf I could be. Even then, she still had some insecurities deep within herself but she wouldn't even try to work out the relationship she just broke it off with me in such a bad way. We only dated for 2 months and she broke up in January but I've been thinking about her everyday and still crushed even now...

[TheKook]

Basically I tried to convince her to get into a relationship with me when I saw she had feelings for me from the signs. She had some issues that held her back from getting into the relationship but I know she wanted it. I told her to take a chance etc and came up with alot of things to convince her/pressure her. She got into the relationship with me and everything was great until Christmas break and she became distant. At that time we weren't seeing each other much so I assume she had time to reassess her decisions and figured she didn't want the relationship. I was always there for her, being supportive, trying to help her, doing everything I can to make her happy and being the best bf I could be. Even then, she still had some insecurities deep within herself but she wouldn't even try to work out the relationship she just broke it off with me in such a bad way. We only dated for 2 months and she broke up in January but I've been thinking about her everyday and still crushed even now...

Feel your pain brother... I treated my ex like a queen. But unlike you, it didn't take any convincing. She fell for me before I really even liked her. Makes you think how the tables just turn like that. Anyways, hope you're doing okay after the breakup.