I want to text my ex. Not to reconcile, not to beg for her back, but for closure.

[TheKook]

Is this wrong?

 

We've been NC for over three weeks and I feel fine now that the relationship is over. I don't have any desire to get back with her and among the emotions I feel, sadness is not one of them.

 

But I do feel somewhat angry still. Not angry in an aggressive way or in a vengeful way, just moved by what happened. I want to ask her if I can have my pictures to a dance we went to, and I also just want to ask her what happened in all honesty. The breakup was kind of vague and I'd feel more satisfied to kind of hear it from her and be done with it.

 

How do I go about this? I don't want to say "Hey" and give her the impression I'm trying to make small talk. Any suggestions? Thanks!

[TaraMaiden]

Don't even think about it.

Whatever you do, whatever you say, will backfire on you.

Your ex- can never give you the closure you seek.

The only person who can do that is you.

You come to terms with your anger, work through it, accept it, understand that it's part of the grieving/break-up process and leave her be.

This issue is for you to work your way through, and seeking closure/validation/explanation from her will merely mess you up further.

 

Never go back. For any reason.

Not until you feel complete indifference.

 

Indifference is when you see her in the arms of another man, and can imagine them making love, and all you think is, "That reminds me - I need some tomatoes."

[somegoodman]

They never tell you what you want to hear.

[TheKook]

I've had past exes who gave me their blunt honest answers. They have nothing to lose, so why not?

[TaraMaiden]

Right - One of two things:

They tell you what they think you want to hear, or they turn it around on you, project blame and make you feel YOU'RE to blame for all of this.

 

And that is a genderless description, BtW... it cuts both ways....no matter what the genders.

[TheKook]

Right - One of two things:

They tell you what they think you want to hear, or they turn it around on you, project blame and make you feel YOU'RE to blame for all of this.

 

And that is a genderless description, BtW... it cuts both ways....no matter what the genders.

If someone asked me why, I would seriously tell them exactly why. So does that make me the only one in the world who has that courtesy?

[TaraMaiden]

The problem with that, is that it's never a full and final answer.

Her response - whatever it may be - will generate just more questions from you, and then open dialogue most of which (if experience on this forum is anything to go by) you will regret, and it will take you back to square #1.

[TheKook]

The problem with that, is that it's never a full and final answer.

Her response - whatever it may be - will generate just more questions from you, and then open dialogue most of which (if experience on this forum is anything to go by) you will regret, and it will take you back to square #1.

That makes sense. My mother still wants the pictures, though.

[CarrieT]

That makes sense. My mother still wants the pictures, though.

 

Then have your mother contact her - not you.

[TaraMaiden]

Then have your mother contact her - not you.

 

^^This^^

 

Do not embroil yourself unnecessarily. If anyone else wants to action something, let them do it.

you keep well out of it.

And ask your mum to please not engage in a 'deep and meaningful' discussion with your ex- about the relationship, or the break-up.

She will only want to pass it all on to you, and frankly, you can do without it.

You don't want to know.

 

Trust me on that one, you really don't.

[TheKook]

^^This^^

 

Do not embroil yourself unnecessarily. If anyone else wants to action something, let them do it.

you keep well out of it.

And ask your mum to please not engage in a 'deep and meaningful' discussion with your ex- about the relationship, or the break-up.

She will only want to pass it all on to you, and frankly, you can do without it.

You don't want to know.

 

Trust me on that one, you really don't.

But I do want to know. I mean, our relationship never even really took off to that stage where you have an intense emotional connection. It was two months long. It was really great in the beginning and slowly deteriorated as school made her life more stressful. We had less and less time for eachother and she was becoming distant. The night of our dance we had the best time together, I was really feeling it. We got back and I talked to her about the relationship and things escalated. She got really emotional and essentially said she felt like she was hurting me by never having time. She said she was distant because of it, and felt she couldn't appreciate me. I told her she didn't have to feel pressured to stay but that I had faith for when all of this would blow over and she'd be more free. Then in tears, she broke up with me.

 

That's just so frustrating. To get broken up with because you were supposedly 'too good' for them. From what I've heard she's given everyone else the same reasons about why she ended it.

 

But what makes me angry is that I gave 100%, all of me to the relationship. So much wasted effort over those two months. The beginning was great, I had no idea it'd end up that way. How could something so sweet taste like vinegar?

 

So while it did end, it's not like I had an intense emotional connection to her. I don't get an urge to start crying just because I see her in person. I think I could handle anything she'd tell me.

[BC1980]

If someone asked me why, I would seriously tell them exactly why. So does that make me the only one in the world who has that courtesy?

 

I've found that that the reasons change as well. Having dumped once before, the reasons weren't really that concrete. Unless there is something obvious like cheating or abuse, the reasons tend to be nebulous. Also, both parties write their own versions of the breakup, and dumpees love to attribute reasons to the dumper that are sometimes ridiculous.

 

It's natural to want to make sense of what happened because humans love order. Nature wants order, and it becomes difficult to grapple with something that isn't concrete. I really believe that people love religion because we just cannot stand now knowing. We have to make up all sorts of sh*t in an attempt to make sense of the world. It's the same thing when people are looking for closure. Most often, they never find this elusive closure, but they simply come to a place where they don't care anymore.

[maturityassets]

Closure is self deception. We deceive ourselves often when we try to think outside ourselves. Our real selves are just pining for one more communication with this person. Whether it be to have sex, to hope they take you back, to just hearing their voice, to being told how we will be find someone else. Its a search of comfort from them regardless the reason.

[TheKook]

Isn't it more acceptable to talk to them if you were together for such a short time?

[Never Again]

Isn't it more acceptable to talk to them if you were together for such a short time?

 

It's never really acceptable until you're 100% over it.

[CarrieT]

I mean, our relationship never even really took off to that stage where you have an intense emotional connection.

Then you shouldn't be spending this much time and effort trying to figure it out.

 

For many, they end the relationship early on simply because they ARE NOT feeling that emotional connection and don't see it going anywhere.

 

Just let it go. You aren't going to get any answers that will satisfy you.

[TheKook]

Then you shouldn't be spending this much time and effort trying to figure it out.

 

For many, they end the relationship early on simply because they ARE NOT feeling that emotional connection and don't see it going anywhere.

 

Just let it go. You aren't going to get any answers that will satisfy you.

I'm not tripping really hard over it. I honestly feel normal. I'll live if I don't talk to her, it's just something that crosses my mind every now and then.

 

Can I run something by you guys really quick?

 

After all of this - having good expectations only to watch it crumble, it makes me scared. I'm not on that relationship anymore and I accept that it's over, but I feel like it has left an impact on me. I'm not afraid of getting hurt. I know everyone is going to get hurt and it's just a fact of life. But what I am afraid of is wasting my time.

 

I feel so tired and drained from giving my honest effort and having it thrown back in my face. I don't want to waste my time with someone who isn't 100% with me. I don't want to put in the effort just to feel let down again, like it was all for naught. It's not that big of a blow when the relationship is only a few months, but I can't help but feel disappointed. I also understand disappointment is a fact of life, but that doesn't stop me from being weary and afraid. I feel like I don't have another let-down left in me.

[Weallwalkthelongroad]

Right - One of two things:

They tell you what they think you want to hear, or they turn it around on you, project blame and make you feel YOU'RE to blame for all of this.

 

And that is a genderless description, BtW... it cuts both ways....no matter what the genders.

 

This! It happened to me and it sucked. I took it on the chin and let her blame me for everything but I kept my cool and took the high road. It was all a bunch of crap.

 

But back to the OP, reaching out for closure will do you no good at all.

[BC1980]

I'm not tripping really hard over it. I honestly feel normal. I'll live if I don't talk to her, it's just something that crosses my mind every now and then.

 

Can I run something by you guys really quick?

 

After all of this - having good expectations only to watch it crumble, it makes me scared. I'm not on that relationship anymore and I accept that it's over, but I feel like it has left an impact on me. I'm not afraid of getting hurt. I know everyone is going to get hurt and it's just a fact of life. But what I am afraid of is wasting my time.

 

I feel so tired and drained from giving my honest effort and having it thrown back in my face. I don't want to waste my time with someone who isn't 100% with me. I don't want to put in the effort just to feel let down again, like it was all for naught. It's not that big of a blow when the relationship is only a few months, but I can't help but feel disappointed. I also understand disappointment is a fact of life, but that doesn't stop me from being weary and afraid. I feel like I don't have another let-down left in me.

 

I think most of us can agree with this. D@mn, I gave three years of my life to someone, and many others have given much more. It's always a risk, but you can actually diminish the risk by noticing red flags along the way. Know when to fold and when to invest.

 

I've definitely had times in my life when I had no inclination to invest in anyone at all based on fear. It's a very normal feeling.

[CarrieT]

But what I am afraid of is wasting my time.

Based on all your others writings, you are learning from the experience and growing from it.

 

That - in-and-of-itself - is NOT a waste of time.

 

The difference is a matter of perspective. Many people who have relationships that end use phrases like, "the relationship was a failure." Or, "I'm a failure."

 

A different way to express it could be, "the relationship has ended and I learned a great deal from it."

 

Look, Kook... I am a woman who is going to be turning 50 years old in a few months. In those 50 years, I have had a marriage (from 20 to 25) with a man who ultimately wanted sex with other men. And then I had hundreds of lovers/FWB and a handful of long-term, monogamous relationships (as short at 2 1/2 years and as long as 11 years) before getting married again, just recently.

 

Do I look upon those long-term relationships as a "waste of time?" Nope. They were part of the experience and journey that is life. I learned from them - and, in some cases, they learned from me - and we changed and grew and moved on. In most cases, I am good friends with my Ex's for a reason: We were drawn to each other for some reason and some point in our life. Because the passion couldn't be sustained, it did not diminish the fact that we cared for each other.

 

But I never once looked upon those experiences as failures or a waste of my time. It has brought me to where I am now - about to have a good marriage.

 

Hopefully you can do the same. Nothing in life is a waste of time. And everything that happens can be for a good reason, if you make it so.

[TheKook]

Based on all your others writings, you are learning from the experience and growing from it.

 

That - in-and-of-itself - is NOT a waste of time.

 

The difference is a matter of perspective. Many people who have relationships that end use phrases like, "the relationship was a failure." Or, "I'm a failure."

 

A different way to express it could be, "the relationship has ended and I learned a great deal from it."

 

Look, Kook... I am a woman who is going to be turning 50 years old in a few months. In those 50 years, I have had a marriage (from 20 to 25) with a man who ultimately wanted sex with other men. And then I had hundreds of lovers/FWB and a handful of long-term, monogamous relationships (as short at 2 1/2 years and as long as 11 years) before getting married again, just recently.

 

Do I look upon those long-term relationships as a "waste of time?" Nope. They were part of the experience and journey that is life. I learned from them - and, in some cases, they learned from me - and we changed and grew and moved on. In most cases, I am good friends with my Ex's for a reason: We were drawn to each other for some reason and some point in our life. Because the passion couldn't be sustained, it did not diminish the fact that we cared for each other.

 

But I never once looked upon those experiences as failures or a waste of my time. It has brought me to where I am now - about to have a good marriage.

 

Hopefully you can do the same. Nothing in life is a waste of time. And everything that happens can be for a good reason, if you make it so.

Thank you. You're really good at revealing the bright side of things. If my ex would have reciprocated the same attention I gave her, then I wouldn't have felt like I wasted my time. If she was there with me 100%, the break up would not have been a disappointment. I guess I stuck around for her and settled in the relationship because I had hope for the future. I won't settle ever again if I'm not getting what I want.

 

But can you make sense of one more question I have? It'd mean a lot to me.

[CarrieT]

But can you make sense of one more question I have? It'd mean a lot to me.

What is that question?

[TheKook]

What is that question?

Well, before I go any further I want to say I seek an answer to this not because I want hope or something. It's just literally left me so confused and backwards-feeling that I used to drive myself insane trying to figure it out. I haven't really asked anyone about this before.

 

In the beginning, we talked daily. Not an unhealthy amount, but a pretty good amount like any couple usually does. Naturally I wanted to hear from her and see how she's doing, make conversation/learn more about her etc. But then after the new school year started, things changed. We talked less and less, sometimes not even for a day or two. Which is no big deal, but it would happen somewhat often and in a new relationship, it just felt weird. Then in person, she would act like nothing happened and would be all over me. I'd talk to her about it and she'd blame it on her schedule/stress/too much on her plate.

 

So things went on like that, where she'd make little effort to see me (Lack of talking, hanging out with friends over me, basically acting single) but when we were together, it'd be the complete opposite story. When we had our first discussion over this, she got emotional and cried and agreed with me. I told her I felt like I wasn't giving her what she wanted, and that I felt she didn't want to talk to me. She aggressively shot that down and reassured me that I made her day, she cared about me a ton, and just wanted to pull through until her schedule wasn't insane.

 

But it just continued. More behavior from her that only told me she wasn't interested anymore, and then she'd come back again and act otherwise. It became extremely confusing. On the night of our dance, we'd connected extremely well... Once again it seemed she was so into me, craving my attention like never before. She showed me the necklace I gave her two months back, showing me one of the stones was missing (because she'd worn it so much). In fact, she wore it daily. Even during our talk that night, she was bawling her eyes out. She told me I was the only boyfriend who ever gave a **** about her and that she didn't want me to get the false impression she didn't care about me, telling me she truly did care about me. She said a lot of other things too that would make anyone think she had real feelings for me. After it was over, she blocked me on facebook and instagram and that's that.

 

So my question is, CarrieT, is how can a girl show such little interest... Such little care and so much distance, and then show the complete opposite the next day? It was like my mind was a constant battlefield with one side telling me she liked me and one side telling me she didn't.

 

I've never been through a more confusing situation in my life. I should have listened when she told me she sucked at relationships. Is there any real reason why she would do that? It's why this breakup is so confusing.

[TaraMaiden]

Who knows?

maybe she has commitment issues.

maybe she's dysfunctional and has a sociopathic disorder.

If either of these is the case, she sure as hell would either not admit it, or would deny it.

Defensiveness is also a trait of these two factors....

And in either case, you still won't get the answers you seek.

 

Don't you see?

Questioning (particularly in this case) will just provoke more soul-.searching and anxiety.

This is why an ex- can never give you closure.

This is why questions asked will simply torture and frustrate you more.

better that you come to terms with the fact that this is over, look to yourself - and move on.

 

With apologies to CarrieT for stepping in.

[TheKook]

When we first started talking it was like a couple months after a period where I was in that whole "Screw relationships" attitude. I think I made the mistake of assuming everything was going to be amazing and work out, I let my guard down. How could I have known though?