abby_tx Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 I'm feeling pretty weak now, so I don't know if I can handle any lectures. My ex and I broke up 6 months ago. The breakup was the weekend before his doctorate program resumed and I think he was stressed because I was asking for it to get more serious. It came as a shock to me. He later told me he couldn't see a future with me. We'd only been dating 3 months. He's never had a serious relationship and is not as emotionally mature as me. We sorta struck up a conversation again after he called out of the blue. Made plans for coffee. It went so well like no time had passed. We were open with eachother about things we'd been nervous to talk about while dating (for fear of rejection I guess). I thought, "Okay, we can do this! We can just be friends!!" Before it ended, he looked really sad. I asked what was wrong. He told me he was still incredibly attracted to me then apologized for making me feel uncomfortable. I said it was probably time for me to leave then so things didn't get weird. We hugged goodbye and it lasted such a long time. It felt so good. He gave me a kiss, one of the most romantic kisses I've had. Then we cuddled. Then I left and he kissed me goodbye again. He told me straight out he knows it's not fair to get in a relationship now while he's so stressed with school. We also live about 90 min. away from eachother. I think the distance + school is the real reason for the breakup. I thought I could leave things at us making out and not think about him again, but all my feelings came rushing back. I am in a position where I could move to his city and would be open to it, but I just don't know if I should pursue this since he probably doesn't want me.
Author abby_tx Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 I also want to add that when we got together, I was fresh out of a 7 year relationship. I was insecure, weak, and thought I needed to jump into something serious to heal myself. I probably pushed things faster than they needed to be. In the past 6 months, I have grown so much. I'm single, happy, confident. I dated around for experience and through it figured out what I need/want. I really feel like the breakup was a blessing in disguise (nerdy phrase, but whatever). But now I am starting to see him as someone I could be with again. What if the timing wasn't right then, but is now?
zen2475 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 I think I would pay attention to the fact that he's told you he's not ready for a relationship. If he was, he would be blowing up your phone and you would be seeing him. Personally, I don't think three months is enough time to know someone enough to take your relationship to the next level. I think because you were out of a long term relationship, you missed the companionship and intimacy and were looking to replace it with this guy. I would look at why you are pursuing a relationship so hard and questioning this one when it was in such early phases. You seem to be reading a lot into his actions looking for hope, when he's told you he doesn't want anything. I really don't think you are over your last relationship yet. It takes time to heal, no matter what the circumstance. Maybe it's time to allow yourself to grieve and fully move past your last relationship before you look for a new one.
Author abby_tx Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 I think I would pay attention to the fact that he's told you he's not ready for a relationship. If he was, he would be blowing up your phone and you would be seeing him. Personally, I don't think three months is enough time to know someone enough to take your relationship to the next level. I think because you were out of a long term relationship, you missed the companionship and intimacy and were looking to replace it with this guy. I would look at why you are pursuing a relationship so hard and questioning this one when it was in such early phases. You seem to be reading a lot into his actions looking for hope, when he's told you he doesn't want anything. I really don't think you are over your last relationship yet. It takes time to heal, no matter what the circumstance. Maybe it's time to allow yourself to grieve and fully move past your last relationship before you look for a new one. You don't think I am over my last relationship with him or my ex of 7 years? When this guy and I first started dating, no I wasn't over my ex of 7 years and I was craving those things. I am different now. I was over both guys when he called out of the blue. I went months without thinking of him or wanting to hang out. When he asked me for lunch, I put it off for a month because it didn't fit into my schedule and wasn't worth rearranging things for. Old me would have dropped everything for him. I went to lunch just to do it and it ended that we still had a spark, a very rare connection, and attraction. I'm not trying to push anything with him, but I can't deny we have something there. Something like this is rare and I don't want to ignore it because I'm trying to play by some sort of rules.
Author abby_tx Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 I really don't think you are over your last relationship yet. It takes time to heal, no matter what the circumstance. Maybe it's time to allow yourself to grieve and fully move past your last relationship before you look for a new one. Sorry if I sounded defensive in my first reply. It's just friends have been saying the above to me too often. They are the same people who jump into bed with a new guy to get over the last. Where as I have properly healed and avoided reckless behavior. I'm in a really great place now and get a little annoyed when people seem to think me wanting someone with someone means I'm just looking to fill some hole.
TaraMaiden Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Sorry if I sounded defensive in my first reply. It's just friends have been saying the above to me too often. They are the same people who jump into bed with a new guy to get over the last. Where as I have properly healed and avoided reckless behavior. I'm in a really great place now and get a little annoyed when people seem to think me wanting someone with someone means I'm just looking to fill some hole. you may like to think about re-phrasing this.....
zen2475 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Really, whether or not you are over it is one thing, and really only you know that. But yes, you are coming off as defensive and IMHO that speaks volumes. Yes, the pain of a break up sucks, but you seems to be in denial about it and avoiding dealing with it. Nonetheless, whether or not you feel a spark with this guy, he's not feeling it and has told you he doesn't want a relationship. A relationship takes two, and he doesn't appear to be in this one.
Author abby_tx Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 Really, whether or not you are over it is one thing, and really only you know that. But yes, you are coming off as defensive and IMHO that speaks volumes. Yes, the pain of a break up sucks, but you seems to be in denial about it and avoiding dealing with it. Nonetheless, whether or not you feel a spark with this guy, he's not feeling it and has told you he doesn't want a relationship. A relationship takes two, and he doesn't appear to be in this one. I am defensive because I have been through so much the past year and have come so far (not just with him, but health problems in my family, etc.) that to have people tell me I'm not something I believe I am is really frustrating. Also, he is the one who called me out of the blue, arranged lunch, and made all the moves at getting back. I just think he's having a hard time between what he wants and what he knows he can handle during school.
Author abby_tx Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 you may like to think about re-phrasing this..... oops! haha
TaraMaiden Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 I am defensive because I have been through so much the past year and have come so far (not just with him, but health problems in my family, etc.) that to have people tell me I'm not something I believe I am is really frustrating. Also, he is the one who called me out of the blue, arranged lunch, and made all the moves at getting back. I just think he's having a hard time between what he wants and what he knows he can handle during school. Just remember two vital (and extremely true cliche) sayings: * Actions speak louder than words (no matter what he says, wait and see what he actually DOES) * It's the person who cares the least who controls the most. learn to be more like the duck's back, where water is concerned.....
Author abby_tx Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 (edited) Just remember two vital (and extremely true cliche) sayings: * Actions speak louder than words (no matter what he says, wait and see what he actually DOES) * It's the person who cares the least who controls the most. learn to be more like the duck's back, where water is concerned..... So maybe instead of doing anything now, I just just let yesterday's meetup be as if it never happened? And stop wondering what it all means? When we first started dating, we both knew I was going to move away for a 4 year grad school, but i dropped that idea and now I'm super flexible. I haven't told him this but wonder if everything would change if i did. Edited March 23, 2014 by abby_tx
TaraMaiden Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 You didn't break up 6 months ago. That might have been the original 'split'..... Now? You broke up yesterday. Long hug? Passionate kiss? Get your hopes up much....? Basically, he is far from ready to commit to anything and fed you breadcrumbs. I suggest you read the No Contact Guide in my signature and study it well. He's not being a friend to you - he's yanking your chain to make himself feel better. all this 'togetherness' is for his benefit, not yours.
Author abby_tx Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 You didn't break up 6 months ago. That might have been the original 'split'..... Now? You broke up yesterday. Long hug? Passionate kiss? Get your hopes up much....? Basically, he is far from ready to commit to anything and fed you breadcrumbs. I suggest you read the No Contact Guide in my signature and study it well. He's not being a friend to you - he's yanking your chain to make himself feel better. all this 'togetherness' is for his benefit, not yours. I'm just as much to blame as him. He asked me in to his place, I said yes. He gave me several outs. I initiated the hug and was into the kiss. We're both guilty of whatever it is that happened. Is there never happy ending with these things?
TaraMaiden Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 yes. but you have to end it. you have to deliberately avoid all and every situation where getting together - whoever proposes/agrees to it - is just a complete no-no. Then, you focus and concentrate on yourself, then you reach indifference. That stage when you can see him in the arms of another woman in a passionate and emotional embrace - and just think, "OK, cool - that remind me, I need salad." but continued, uninterrupted unabused No Contact is essential.
Author abby_tx Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 yes. but you have to end it. you have to deliberately avoid all and every situation where getting together - whoever proposes/agrees to it - is just a complete no-no. Then, you focus and concentrate on yourself, then you reach indifference. That stage when you can see him in the arms of another woman in a passionate and emotional embrace - and just think, "OK, cool - that remind me, I need salad." but continued, uninterrupted unabused No Contact is essential. We had no contact for almost 7 months and I reached the point where if he was with someone else, I would think "ok, cool. no biggie" When he called out of the blue almost 7 months later, we even discussed dating stories. We gave advice, etc. I told him I was taking a break and he was as well. That's when he asked me to lunch. So yeah, I 100000% agree in no contact because it worked to help me get over him. But.... a little thing happened at the end of the lunch date where a spark came back. Now, we're both different people and yes, he's busy. But I am just wondering if it's okay to chase this new spark?
TaraMaiden Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Get this through your head: There is no spark. He was fishing for reassurance that he could still float your boat. He made no assurances; if anything, he reiterated that he was in no position to have a relationship with you. The meeting was suggested by him to get rid of any guilt feelings he might have had, and to make himself feel better. I mean, if you're open to meeting and having coffee/lunch, you must be completely over it, right? ....Right....? The fact you're wondering of there's a spark to re-ignite, tells me that actually, you ain't. Jut kick this to the kerb, don't live your life, hooked to a possibility.
Author abby_tx Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 Get this through your head: There is no spark. He was fishing for reassurance that he could still float your boat. I disagree. He's not the type of person to meet up for lunch just to see if he could still have me if he wanted me. We are in our early 30's and don't play games like that, especially him. And while his spark may not have been one based on marriage and a longterm relationship there, I know he felt attraction and interest in me. I also know he's smart enough to realize that with his work and school schedule now, he can't pursue anything serious until he's done. Your advice is helpful for certain situations, but not everything is so black and white. We could be right for each other, but met at the wrong time.
TaraMaiden Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 I'm not saying it was even a conscious plan. But this is precisely why Dumpers get in touch with dumpees. it's a form or moral self-reassurance. Why on earth awaken the past? Why on earth suggest a get-together? For old times' sake? To reminisce? Fine, all well and good.... But please trust me on this one. This was as much for his own peace of mind, and he actively laid things to rest and said again, what he said in the past. it's a no-no, now. Even in your first post you admit your emotions are fragile, and you don't need 'beating up'. The sad fact is, this on its own, has beaten you up. I reiterate. go NC, stay NC and get over this to an indifferent extent. 2
Author abby_tx Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 I think he wants friends with befits honestly because he wants to still hang out
Author abby_tx Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 I hate you because you're probably right I suppose as much as I lied to myself, deep down inside I was hoping he would have suddenly realized what a "gem" he lost and fought to get me back.
TaraMaiden Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Yeah....but it's a good 'hate'.... You know, I really wish I could be wrong. Sadly, I don't think I am.
Author abby_tx Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 Yeah....but it's a good 'hate'.... You know, I really wish I could be wrong. Sadly, I don't think I am. I guess life doesn't work like fairytales. I was pretty bummed today, but feeling better. I got over him once. I can get over him twice.
TaraMaiden Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 I guess life doesn't work like fairytales. I was pretty bummed today, but feeling better. I got over him once. I can get over him twice. I hate fairytales. I hate Disney. I hate Hollywood. All they've done is feed unsuspecting, hopeful ladies a pack of lies for years and years, and we, ever optimistic, ever wistful, ever romantic have continued to swallow all the hype, hook, line and sinker. It's BS. They need to make a film of Cinderella five years down the line, se what exactly has changed in her life since her Prince appeared... I'd LOVE to see that story!
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