momx4 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 So, I've been with my BF for almost 3 months. He has two daughters (18 & 14) that live with him full time. Mom is not in the picture. I have 4 kids (16, 15, 12, 10) that live with me & their dad sees them often. We haven't met each others kids, but I did bring it up to him a week or so ago just to see what he thought about it. He said he's in no rush, which is fine with me. It would be a lot easier, though. The thing is I think he hides me from his girls. I don't think they know about me. My kids know about him and are ok with me dating him. It makes me worried that his girls don't even know about me. Is this normal? I mean, they have to know something is up. We text all the time & we are with each other every Saturday night. Last night I asked him what he tells them when he leaves & he said one of them wasn't home & the other one was in her room when he left. He left here about 1 a.m. I guess it just makes me worry. I understand him not wanting us to meet them, but hiding me is another thing. I know he may want to make sure this is going somewhere, but they are old enough to know he will date. Their mom hasn't been in the picture for 9 years. Do I have a reason to worry? Should I bring this up to him? I'm afraid if I do it will scare him away.
Minnie09 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Three months is nothing. Kids need a stable home and a reliable parent, especially if you're a single parent (no matter whether or not the other parent is involved). The fact that you're dating is none of their business, whether it's casual or exclusive. It doesn't matter that they're teenagers and old enough to understand. They're your children and all they need is you being there for them as a mother. I know we all have needs, but the kids usually don't care whether or not your emotional/sexual/whatever needs are met. They couldn't care less. Hence, don't discuss a boyfriend with them. Your BF is right in not getting his daughters involved. I totally agree with him. IMO a waiting period of 6 months is the minimum. Before that, no kid should be introduced to a partner. Just my 2 cents. 1
smackie9 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Is it possible you feel that by him not telling his kids about you, could mean he isn't showing commitment to you? And it has you wondering where you stand in this relationship?
preraph Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 He's doing the right thing. You don't introduce people into your kids' lives who may not be there long. It's irresponsible. Three months of Saturdays isn't long at all. You need to know someone for a year or two to minimize the chance they are not even being themselves with you yet and hiding bad behavior from you as all people in new relationships do. It is only with time that their true self comes out and you see the real person. Until you do, they have no place in your kids' lives. Just be glad he's not one of these desperate men who will be with any woman just to get a babysitter, because there's plenty of those out there.
Author momx4 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 Is it possible you feel that by him not telling his kids about you, could mean he isn't showing commitment to you? And it has you wondering where you stand in this relationship? I guess it could be a little of this. I'm ok with not meeting the kids. We are exclusive & I trust him completely.
smackie9 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 If you trust him, then you should be able to trust his decision to hold off.
Gaeta Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 (edited) At 14 & 18 these girls are old enough to understand dad is dating. 3 months is long enough. I am not saying you spend the night over there but you should be introduced and get to spend Sunday dinner with them, go to movies, hang in the afternoon type of things. These are no little kids, they probably have boyfriends of their own. I would be more careful with your children who are younger. I think this man has too many excuses. It's ok to leave his children alone at night till 1 a.m. but not ok to leave them alone during the day so he can take you to breakfast or spend an afternoon at the park? To me sounds like your boyfriend is only interested in night activity with you. If you know what I mean. Edited March 23, 2014 by Gaeta 1
soccerrprp Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 I guess it could be a little of this. I'm ok with not meeting the kids. We are exclusive & I trust him completely. Then why this post??? I think 3-months of Saturdays is not that much time. Do you actually go on dates during these Saturdays or does he only come for sex? Why don't you see each other during the week? Too busy? You say that your kids know about him. Have they seen him? Met him? Have his kids seen you at all? I think it odd that when you ask him what his girls think, he talks only about that one time. So, he "sneaks" out w/o his girls knowing where he's going? Even if that one time, THAT IS IRRESPONSIBLE on his part.
smackie9 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Is there any proof he is a single dad or are you just going by his word. 1
Tayken Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 I guess it could be a little of this. I'm ok with not meeting the kids. We are exclusive & I trust him completely. OP....that is quite the "blended family" if it does end up working out. Am sure the 18yr old know, but she is an adult and doesn't necessarily have to have anything to do with you. They are girls and probably miss their mum even though she "might not be in the picture"...you aren't going to replace their mum, and I doubt they are looking for a replacement now at that age It can't be easy for your bf either...he has 2 of his own and you have 4. There is no shared custody so the kids are there all the time...which in most cases has been known to split people up. I personally won't do it, and I have a kid
soccerrprp Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 OP....that is quite the "blended family" if it does end up working out. Am sure the 18yr old know, but she is an adult and doesn't necessarily have to have anything to do with you. They are girls and probably miss their mum even though she "might not be in the picture"...you aren't going to replace their mum, and I doubt they are looking for a replacement now at that age It can't be easy for your bf either...he has 2 of his own and you have 4. There is no shared custody so the kids are there all the time...which in most cases has been known to split people up. I personally won't do it, and I have a kid Phew, yeah Tayken, didn't consider this. OP, have you considered the stress, load of having so many kids involved? I would NEVER date a woman who had so many unless I knew I could take care of a family that size. I have two kids of my own and my gf has two, but I have a good paying job, stability and my gf is a doctor. I'm sorry to say this, but if I were a man, I would be wondering every day of the prospects of having a relationship with a woman with so many kids. 3
Author momx4 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 Then why this post??? I think 3-months of Saturdays is not that much time. Do you actually go on dates during these Saturdays or does he only come for sex? Why don't you see each other during the week? Too busy? You say that your kids know about him. Have they seen him? Met him? Have his kids seen you at all? I think it odd that when you ask him what his girls think, he talks only about that one time. So, he "sneaks" out w/o his girls knowing where he's going? Even if that one time, THAT IS IRRESPONSIBLE on his part. We go out almost every Saturday night. We usually come back to my house to watch tv. It's not all about sex when we get here. Like last night we just watched tv & cuddled. There was no messing around or sex. He came over last week just to help me with my muffler that fell off & fixed my tail light. He works hard physically during the day & I know he's tired when he gets home. But I would still make it a point to see my bf as much as I could even if I was tired. Even just meeting for ice cream, you know? No, my kids have not met him. They know I'm dating him, though. I'm really in no rush to get the kids involved, but it would just be easier. I asked him what he thought about meeting each others kids. He's in no rush & that's really ok if that's how he feels. I don't know, I guess maybe I would feel better if I knew he told them he was at least dating me. I don't know why this bothers me, but it does. It's not a deal breaker, though. For now...
Author momx4 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 Is there any proof he is a single dad or are you just going by his word. I know he is a single dad. I've been to his house a few times, too. Only when his girls weren't home, though.
soccerrprp Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 We go out almost every Saturday night. We usually come back to my house to watch tv. It's not all about sex when we get here. Like last night we just watched tv & cuddled. There was no messing around or sex. He came over last week just to help me with my muffler that fell off & fixed my tail light. He works hard physically during the day & I know he's tired when he gets home. But I would still make it a point to see my bf as much as I could even if I was tired. Even just meeting for ice cream, you know? No, my kids have not met him. They know I'm dating him, though. I'm really in no rush to get the kids involved, but it would just be easier. I asked him what he thought about meeting each others kids. He's in no rush & that's really ok if that's how he feels. I don't know, I guess maybe I would feel better if I knew he told them he was at least dating me. I don't know why this bothers me, but it does. It's not a deal breaker, though. For now... I understand that it would make things easier. I was in a couple of relationships where the kids met early on. The kids were much younger, so hiding the time as play-dates was easy. Not so with your kids.
Gaeta Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 I don't know why this bothers me, but it does. It's not a deal breaker, though. For now... Trust your instinct. In this thread and the last one, your gut feeling is telling you something is off. Trust yourself and guard your heart. 14 & 18 years old is no work. At that age their entire life is about their friends and phone. He could go out any night or any day to see you if he wanted. He is limiting it to Saturday night because that's all he wants. He doesn't want you to meet his girls ok then Why could he not spend Sunday afternoon with you? Or what prevent him to bring you to a restaurant for breakfast Saturday Morning?..... nothing. Certainly not 2 girls that probably sleep till noon on weekends. His living situation, having to girls that age, is no excuse to only spend Saturday nights with you.
Author momx4 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 So, should I just come out & ask him to spend more time with me? I think he thinks I'm content with how things are going. There's no doubt in my mind that he cares about me. I know he does. I'm just feeling a little "neglected" I guess.
soccerrprp Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 So, should I just come out & ask him to spend more time with me? I think he thinks I'm content with how things are going. There's no doubt in my mind that he cares about me. I know he does. I'm just feeling a little "neglected" I guess. You're not going to get what you want (need) w/o communicating it.
Gaeta Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 So, should I just come out & ask him to spend more time with me? I think he thinks I'm content with how things are going. There's no doubt in my mind that he cares about me. I know he does. I'm just feeling a little "neglected" I guess. You have been intimate with him for 3 months, you should be able to speak to him about anything. 1
Author momx4 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 You have been intimate with him for 3 months, you should be able to speak to him about anything. You're right, as always I will put on my big girl panties & just ask. What's the most that can happen? He gets scared. Then, he isn't right for me anyway....that's what I'm afraid of. lol
Gaeta Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 You're right, as always I will put on my big girl panties & just ask. What's the most that can happen? He gets scared. Then, he isn't right for me anyway....that's what I'm afraid of. lol If he runs off then he was not that into you right? Better come to that realization now than in 6 months. Three months is a lot of time, especially that you speak all the time you said, he knows what you're about now. You could also ask him what is a reasonable time for him to introduce his girls to a girlfriend? *I am not in a hurry* is precooked answer, ask for specifics. Don't be confrontional, just squeeze all these questions in a casual conversation. It's all about getting to know each other.
Author momx4 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 If he runs off then he was not that into you right? Better come to that realization now than in 6 months. Three months is a lot of time, especially that you speak all the time you said, he knows what you're about now. You could also ask him what is a reasonable time for him to introduce his girls to a girlfriend? *I am not in a hurry* is precooked answer, ask for specifics. Don't be confrontional, just squeeze all these questions in a casual conversation. It's all about getting to know each other. We won't see each other til the weekend. Is it something we could talk about through text?
Gaeta Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 We won't see each other til the weekend. Is it something we could talk about through text? Personally I would like to see his face when he answers but depends on your relationship dynamic. If you ask the questions on a casual tone why not. Depends if he's into texting or not as well. My boyfriend and I have this game. One of use will text the other : I got a question and the other knows it will be a personal question. It's always done on a light tone though and if the answer needs more developing we won't do it on text but face to face.
Author momx4 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 We text for a few hours every night. So, he's a texter like me.
smackie9 Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Well I suspect your relationship is still on trial. He's not only being cautious about involving his girls but he is being cautious about investing too much into this relationship at this time. You keep saying you are OK with it, but if you were you wouldn't be here posting about it. So I have a feeling you are starting to have some doubts as to the direction of this relationship, and it's progression. 1
Author momx4 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 Well I suspect your relationship is still on trial. He's not only being cautious about involving his girls but he is being cautious about investing too much into this relationship at this time. You keep saying you are OK with it, but if you were you wouldn't be here posting about it. So I have a feeling you are starting to have some doubts as to the direction of this relationship, and it's progression. Wow, did you make me step back & think. lol I guess I'm really not ok with if I really think about it. I can live without us meeting each others kids. But I really want to see him more. And here I was thinking just today to give it more time. When we are together he shows me he likes me. And just earlier he text me from work & we chatted for a bit, so it isn't all one sided. If I give it a little bit longer before I mention anything then he will really think I'm ok with seeing him only once a week, right? Ugh...lol
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