sportynut38 Posted January 28, 2005 Posted January 28, 2005 If one of my friends was put in the situation I was recently put into (there's a few posts out there about it but short is he wanted time and space to deal with his life), I would have probably told her to move on, give him the space and to not contact him. Unfortunately, when you are in that situation, all you can see is your own pain, confusion and the feeling of being lost. I had seen him a week and half ago in the grocery store, with him saying he was going to call me that night. That call never happened. And when I called him the next night to tell him that I would be dropping off all of his things (that he wouldn't take) the following day, I still heard nothing. So I did. I drove to his house after work, dropped everything I had of his by his garage and then called his oldest son and asked that he make sure it all got put inside. Still heard nothing. I thought that without his things around, that I would realize he didn't want to talk to me, he didn't want to fix any of this, and that I would start moving on with life. I would not feel so "rejected" or feel that my love wasn't good enough. But I was still reeling and trying to deal. And when I get pushed into a corner (as I felt I had been) then I start coming out swinging. So being me, I made a pact to myself to not call, not email, not whatevers ... that this was the way he wanted it, so fine! Yeah ha ha. I got up the balls (as he says) to actually go to his house on Monday night and face him. Was one of the most tense moments I have ever felt. We talked. And talked. Throw a few kisses in there, and we talked some more. We were standing on his front porch when I was leaving, and he asked what it was that I wanted from him. Well woo hoo. An open door. He said to put it into a list and we could go over it and see what was what. I go home, I create my list. Four items really. 1. He would call every three or four days to say hi (even if he only called voicemail). 2. He and I could spend one hour together per week. 3. I could call him (even if only voicemail) to say hi. 4. That he would remember everyday that someone really cared about him, his kids, and his life. He calls later that night, and I tell him my list is done. He comes to my house to discuss them and review them, and we talk some more. And as he agrees to the list, I realize that he is willing to do all these things, not because he is over his need for the time and space ... but because I need them. I finally realize that this issue we are facing isn't about me and my feelings, but it is all about he feels that he is unworthy of anyone caring, he feels numb inside and confused. And for me to force my way back into his life to make me feel better, isn't really helping anyone but showing me how selfish I am. So the list goes in a journal I have been writing in since this all began, and we start a new chapter. We are "friends". I can call, he will answer. He can call, and I will answer. But we are not together. We don't owe each other anything other than to take care of ourselves and to hope that life straightens out. My birthday is next week. He has asked that he be allowed to take me out. Asked me if I wanted to do something in particular or if he could plan it. I told him to go ahead and plan away. He leaves that night for GA for three days, returns for a few and then is leaving for Panama for 32 days. I hope he hears about his job before he goes ... but I think the trip to Panama will be good for him (distance from his ex, his kids and from me). He sent me an email the day after we talked, and said that he would be dropping the things off again to me (all his stuff I returned). Said to hold on to it. Said he cared but felt empty inside and hoped that someday he felt that he could look through my eyes and see the man I see. And since then, my heart has felt lighter. I feel better and apparently so does he. I haven't tried to contact him since, believing that he will call or contact me when he feels like he can. He has said that while he is gone to Panama that we would still be able to email or call ... shall take that one day at a time. I don't know that my tactics were so smart (I have been called a dipsh*t for it) but I do know that I feel better, that he does too, and that we seem to be on the same page of the same book ... first time since all this started.Each situation is different, no one can predict what will happen, but I do know you have to follow your heart and just perhaps, things will work out the best for everyone involved.
Spira Posted January 28, 2005 Posted January 28, 2005 I don't know what to say except *thanks* for your post. It gives me hope.
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