How to get over a cruel breakup?

[brucewayne]

This is my first post on the site. Over the past few months I've been reading a number of the threads on the site trying to take advice and comfort on getting over my ex. It has been a big help and I want to genuinely thank folk who contribute to the site. It really does make a difference. However, I wanted to tell my own story in the hope that any advice people could offer could help me with my own situation.

 

Here we go.

 

My ex dumped me by email out the blue a few days before xmas. We had been dating for the best part of a year, although half of which had been a long distance relationship - and by long I mean the other side of the world. Despite this we talked everyday on skype, and messaged each other all the time on whatsapp. Not a day went by where we didn’t speak. I had booked flights to go and see her in January and the plan was to see how much I enjoyed her country and to consider moving once I had passed my professional exams making me a qualified architect. During the time we were apart she professed to me how much she missed me and loved me on almost a daily basis, I soon realized that I missed her just as much and wanted to change my life and be with her.

 

As it happened, I woke up one morning to an email from her out the blue. She told me her feelings to me had changed; she had made a big mistake committing to me from the other side of the world, to cancel my flights, and to never contact her again. This was a month before I was to fly out. She had cut me out her life overnight via email, blocked me on all social media - facebook, skype, whatsapp - and deleted all our mutual friends.

 

Confused and in shock I replied to her email – (the only means of communicating with her) - but got a short, cold response giving me no real explanation. At which point my friends pushed me to cut my losses and cancel the flights. I did so, if for nothing else, to maintain my own dignity. Weeks later a friend found out that she had left me for someone else. I was completely and utterly devastated.

 

During the time we were apart she had had a drunken 'thing' with a colleague at a staff party. She had told me about it straight away, sobbing and saying she stopped it before it got too far. I was so angry at first but I eventually forgave her – because I trusted her. Looking back, she had dumped me right after the second staff party and now I realize why she hadn't answered her phone the morning after, she had done the same thing again and this time she hadn't stopped it. She's now dating the guy she cheated on me with.

 

I'm 26 years old, and she was the only girl I had told I loved, the only girl I had made myself vulnerable for and the only girl I was really willing to change my life to be with. She knew this and had lied to me, betrayed me and dumped me in the cruellest of ways. I've had short term girlfriends in the past but she has been the only one I could imagine being with forever. We got on so well straight away, and we never really argued or fought about silly stuff. We got so close to being together again and I know she just got scared and threw everything away at the last hurdle. It’s been said before on this website, but part of me is terrified I’m never going to find anyone who makes me that happy ever again.

 

It’s been three months since she broke up with me, and 47 days with NC. The last we spoke was via email when she needed my bank details to give me some money for the flight cancellation charges. That was good of her, but I expect it was to ease her guilt. After the transfer I replied thanking her, and letting her know that I had found out what she had done and it was a shame she couldn’t have just been honest with me. I finished by saying I wished her all the best. There was no reply.

 

By doing NC things have gotten a bit better; however there is still this constant ache in my heart. I was completely blind sighted by the breakup and because she refused to explain to me what she had done and why I never got a sense of closure. It was as if the girl I had fallen in love with wasn't doing this, it was someone else, because it was out of character. I know I’ll probably never speak to her again and that’s probably for the best, but I just feel so lost at the moment. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fully trust someone again, I don’t know how someone I loved and respected so much could treat me like this and I don’t know how to fully move on from this.

 

I’ve drank a lot over the past couple months, which ultimately was a bad idea. I’ve also gone on a few dates to try and get over her which hasn't really helped much. I’m clearly not ready. At the moment I’m trying to get fit again and be more happy being by myself and single. If there’s anyone who reads this that can rationalize the situation and help me understand and more importantly move on it would really mean the world to me. The last few months of my life have been hell and I just want to feel better.

[NomiMalone]

I've learnt that when a relationship ends, the hardest thing to accept is that sometimes, there seems to be no logic to the other person's behaviour, and the unanswered questions they leave us with can prevent us from getting the closure we desire. Questions like: how can it be possible that they can fall out of love with us just like that? How can they bring themselves to end things the way they did? Often times these questions can't ever be answered adequately (or truthfully). Sometimes we'll never ever know the truth. But when someone's indicated that they no longer want to be with us, "why" and the manner in which they ended things no longer matters - the only thing that's important (and I know you've probably read this a thousand times before) is to find ways to focus on ourselves instead.

 

When people end things cruelly, remember that their actions say nothing about us, but a lot about them - that they are too scared of confrontation to do the right thing and deal with the consequences of their actions. Sadly, there's no shortage of cowards out there and it's not uncommon at all for people to be broken up with in this manner (as you probably know from reading this forum). It can happen to anyone.

 

Since its only been 3 months, don't be hard on yourself about the way you feel. Its perfectly normal at this stage to feel lost and depressed when dealing with grief and loss, which is what a break up essentially is.

 

About the fear of not finding someone else who'll make you happy again - you will... when you least expect it. In the meantime, enjoy the opportunity you have to focus on yourself and your own goals and what you'd like to experience and achieve out of life. Time + making the effort to focus on ourselves is the key to moving on.

[Mr Scorpio]

If there’s anyone who reads this that can rationalize the situation and help me understand and more importantly move on it would really mean the world to me. The last few months of my life have been hell and I just want to feel better.

 

You've already rationally analyzed the situation. I imagine you also understand the situation fairly well. You were in a LTR, where distance breeds loneliness and wanderlust. Your ex likely realized that she wanted someone who was with her rather than a world away. She didn't want to confront her guilty feelings, thus the email.

 

For now, you should do the normal "break-up routine" to move on. Exercise, sleep, eat healthy, read books, spend time with people, read and post on here, exercise more, get a few new hobbies, and don't bother with dating. Just work on you.

 

As for the future and whether or not you will be able to trust someone, that is for you to decide. Any serious relationship involves vulnerability. Yes, you could eschew risk in exchange for loneliness, as some people do. Or, you can take a risk and potentially receive the reward of a fulfilling relationship. The choice is yours.

[SammySammy]

It is often said that the best revenge is living well.

 

I believe the best way to get over a bad break up is to continue the NC and do whatever it takes to make sure you live the best life you can. Make sure you treat yourself exceedingly well.

 

Develop yourself professionally, physically, socially, intellectually and spiritually.

 

Avoid things that may diminish the quality of your life. Escapism through alcohol for example. Withdrawing from the dating scene.

 

Believe in love. Believe in your ability to have a great relationship with a great woman. One of the most powerful forces that influences our life is our attitude. Don't let the break up cause you to become distrusting and bitter.

 

This woman may have just made way for someone better to enter your life.