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Should I break up with him if i don't want to be with him in the present?

amelia 21

By amelia 21
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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amelia 21 New Member

amelia 21

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I've been dating a man for 6 months now and can see he has many things that he needs to improve in his life and as a person for me to feel

comfortable truly having a future with him, i am confused as to what path i should take when it comes to our relationship, i do care for him but don't believe i love him at this time, i feel that if i do stay it will strain our relationship. I hoped that with more time my feelings and cold feet would disappear the more time we spent together but it hasn't and i feel very conflicted, i don't want to hurt him as he is a good man but feel that whichever decision i make will shatter his trust in me/us.

 

Should i leave him? or Should i stick it out and hope our relationship will be better in time?

 

Just wanting informed opinions from people that have experienced similar situations. Thankyou

sooshi Established Member

sooshi

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I would say end it. My ex-fiance also felt conflicted about his lack of feeling in love with me and had cold feet about marrying me/marriage in general, and wanted to overcome those things, and didn't. A broken engagement is better than a broken marriage.

 

You could end up sticking around and having things develop the way you want and hope, but it's unlikely. It's going to hurt more if you prolong this relationship and have it be strained and have it decline in its effectiveness to enhance you both as individuals and as a couple.

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TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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amelia 21 You imply by your title that you are considering splitting with him to see whether the separation would give him the opportunity to 'change' or 'improve'.

 

well, two things:

1) Please know that as far as most of the members here are concerned, there is no such thing as a 'break'.

It's either working, together, or it's not.

 

2) You have no right to expect, demand suggest or even imply that he needs to 'improve' anything about himself.

That's up to him to see, recognise, acknowledge, and decide to do, for himself.

 

And the one and only person he SHOULD do it for (if at all) - is himself.

Not you.

 

It sounds as if there is an incompatibility and you're not happy.

The solution is simple. You choose.

 

Stay and pretend it's making you happy, when in actual fact it's making you miserable, because it's all for show.

Leave, and understand that breaking up is upsetting, but in the end, it's better he live a life of truth, than with someone who's lying to him.

SerCay Established Member

SerCay

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Amelia, I think I know what you mean and I've been through a similar situation. My ex had no job, was living with his parents and no education when I started dating him. I loved him so much and was so infatuated with him and his promises of getting married some day, that I stuck around. I did never demand changes from him, I genuinely believed from my heart, that if he wanted to have a life of his own and consequently with me, he would take all the necessary steps himself. He spoke a lot about the career path he wanted and all, and I am all for the let the person explore themselves and trust them kind of person.

 

fast forward 3 yrs...

Ex is still jobless, living with parents and no education. i.e.: no future plans for HIMSELF. We broke up mainly because of this. I started to get annoyed for example whenever I had had a hard day of work and had to study afterwards, he would take 3 hours to cook one meal so I couldn't study any more that night. Those small things really added up.

 

What I'm trying to say is, if you have the feeling you are not proud of your bf, and you are not compatible, if you have the slightest feeling of ''looking down on him''>> leave. For it will fail eventually anyway. People only change when they want to. If they feel like it.

Never Again Established Member

Never Again

Posted
Posted

You may not have the right to expect or demand that he change, but that does not mean you cannot voice your concerns.

 

There is something you can do before you choose to leave: be an adult and communicate about why you're unhappy.

 

Look at it this way:

 

- People cannot always see the severity of the issues in their lives on their own. Outside perspective is valuable, especially from our mates. He needs to want to improve on his own, but providing a "wake up call" isn't asking too much

 

- Men respect women who don't put up with bulls**t (the same is true the other way around). If you're going to silently brood about what makes you unhappy, you're setting yourself up for loads of problems.

 

Will you still end up having to leave him? There's a pretty darn good chance, yeah. But if you want to "live a life of truth", start by ending the lies of omission and opening up.

 

Don't lead in with "I want to break up unless X changes", but saying "I feel like X is a problem" or "I'm unhappy because of X" isn't being presumptuous. State your needs and concerns. If he says he'll change but doesn't act immediately, you know he's not serious. If he's not serious, you definitely leave.

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Keenly Established Member

Keenly

Posted
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Don't lead in with "I want to break up unless X changes", but saying "I feel like X is a problem" or "I'm unhappy because of X" isn't being presumptuous. State your needs and concerns. If he says he'll change but doesn't act immediately, you know he's not serious. If he's not serious, you definitely leave.

 

 

This quote is extremely contradictory because even though she would not be saying "We are breaking up unless this changes" she would still really be saying "we are breaking up unless this changes."

 

 

You can't change people OP :( . I wish we could. Life would be a lot easier. But you have to take people as they come or not at all.

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amelia 21 New Member

amelia 21

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Thankyou all very much for your insights, i am new to the site and unsure of how to reply to just 1 person.

Edited by amelia 21
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amelia 21 New Member

amelia 21

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Thankyour for your insight TaraMaiden

 

He is a sweet guy but i do believe their need to be certain compromises in a relationship when it comes to the bigger picture many things will change including people, change in all is not a bad thing but to expect change to please just yourself i agree is selfish.

 

I do agree that i am unhappy and i feel terrible as he is a sweet guy and do believe that in time and one day we could compromise and have a compatible relationship but for the time being i know it can not be like that.

 

Thankyou for your wise and truthful insight.

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amelia 21 New Member

amelia 21

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SerCay Thankyou for sharing your experience, I have been through a very similar situation with my previous relationship as well, my ex partner procrastinated most of our 3year relationship and i did hope that he would mature past his wants and lack of future aspiration, he did not and it took him 7 years to find the motivation to make a good future for himself and pursue all the things he both promised and procrastinated with me with his new partner.

 

It taught me that some people and only at certain times can things truly fall into place and letting go is sometimes the only thing you can do.

 

Thankyou for your advice.

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amelia 21 New Member

amelia 21

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Pfenjxphire Thankyou for your insight

 

We have had open conversations about our lives and what our faults may be how we could improve for both us and our relationship not to mention our lives, I have found he has been quiet slow to the race in improving certain things and for the future he has expressed he wants for us and the future i see we could have, his procrastinating has caused me to pull back and rethink our relationship, I do want a future with children and so does he but i do believe in the ways i hesitate it would better to leave and see how time improves his personal life and habits before continuing to have a relationship with him.

 

We both have things we need to improve on and understand what your saying.

 

Thankyou very much for your advice about how to approach the situation.

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amelia 21 New Member

amelia 21

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Hi Keenly,

 

I think what Pfenjxphire was stating was not in wise of him as a person but more towards certain things having to be compromised for our relationship to further, as i have said he is a sweet guy,

 

but he does have a dis concerning tendency to rush into things 2 months into our relationship he said he loved me and just a month later wanted to marry me.

 

Although i could see those things in our future i do not believe the immediate future and i am afraid that it has made me quiet cautious of our relationship and making sure we get the proper amount of time to truly connect before having a serious future together which i believe may mean we need a break or to be more literal (to break up).

 

I know we can not change people and would not wish to change this man he has a great soul but there is making sure someone is willing to compromise to be sure that both people can be comfortable and are truly meant to be with each other.

 

I do understand what you are saying, thankyou for your advice and wisdom.

Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
Posted

Amelia21,

You need to be with a guy for who he is now, not what he might be in the future.

I've been out with guys and thought that it would be perfect if only;-

 

a. he'd get a better job

b. dress better

c. get rid of his obnoxious mates

 

etc etc.

 

Take it from me, it doesn't work. You need to accept a man for who he is, not for his potential.

 

To put it another way, how would you like it if he was thinking "this relationship would be great if only she got a nose job".?

 

Either work with what you've got or move on.

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amelia 21 New Member

amelia 21

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Hi, Aries Woman

 

To me its not about the material such as job status or other areas of his life, its more about our personal compatibility and life goals.

 

I accept him as he is but the enviable truth to relationships (life) is their is change, growth and most importantly different stages/development.

 

When you enter a relationship their is already change from being single to being committed to someone, many things can play into to the role of what will happen in a relationship and i understand wanting to change the person is not just primarily bad or good only the way it is intended can determine that.

 

Potential should play a role in a healthy relationship and a healthy person.

 

It isn't bad to expect things from someone especially if you have goals together and would plan to build a life together.

 

In reference to the nose scenario i think expecting to cosmetically change someone isn't so much about change in the literal sense but cosmetic and that would be such a cruel thing to ask of someone you should believe solely is beautiful.

 

I get where your coming from but i don't want a jeckel/hyde situation, as i've said he is a kind guy, before entering the relationship i got to know him but it seems in what more time we spent together nothing in his life really changes all to much.

 

Thankyou for your insight.

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