Question for people 35+ who have never been married

April 6, 2014

It's your prerogative to not want to date such men, but the generalizations bug me.

And just for the record, offend me.

However, I guess I'd get the same sort of reaction if I was gay and had a woman partner, or was white and dated a black guy. There's always someone ready to tell you that you're wrong when you aren't doing exactly what society says you "should".

To be fair, I have met the same attitude in real life. It used to bug me, but not so much anymore. I'm generally a lot happier in my life and my relationship that most people that spew that type of stereotyped judgmental crap.

April 6, 2014

However, I guess I'd get the same sort of reaction if I was gay and had a woman partner, or was white and dated a black guy. There's always someone ready to tell you that you're wrong when you aren't doing exactly what society says you "should".

Au contraire. Society, media, etc are constantly selling the idea women need to be hooking up with much older men and vice versa.

My opinion runs counter to that.

It's my firm belief that if women REALLY considered the negative long term consequences of dating/committing to older men, they'd avoid it.

As it is, we have a society that trundles them off sexually to older men... and it starts at a young age. Not for her benefit most of the time. It's the very last vestige of a time when women had no choices.

There are plenty of women who have come to this conclusion on their own... I'm not the only one.

The difference between men and women?? When women feel old, they change their bodies. When men feel old, they find a younger girlfriend/wife.

At least the women are only doing things to their own bodies. The fact that men need to pull along another human being to make himself feel good is what I find most repulsive... and always have.

April 6, 2014

Every relationship has compromises, risk and benefits, and we all need to decide what is important to us personally. I would personally never want to date a single father, for example - I'm just not interested in raising someone else's child - however I'd never slag off anyone who did, or say they must have some sort of mental issue to want to do so.

Society sells us lots of crap about who we are supposed to be, and who we are supposed to be with. Some women (and some men) do listen to it without questioning, usually to their detriment.

However, there are also occasionally intelligent, educated and very independent women out there who had absolutely no intention of ending up with someone older, until they found someone they really rather liked despite their age and the compromises that may entail. In fact, you're talking to one now.

April 6, 2014

Au contraire. Society, media, etc are constantly selling the idea women need to be hooking up with much older men and vice versa.

My opinion runs counter to that.

It's my firm belief that if women REALLY considered the negative long term consequences of dating/committing to older men, they'd avoid it.

As it is, we have a society that trundles them off sexually to older men... and it starts at a young age. Not for her benefit most of the time. It's the very last vestige of a time when women had no choices.

There are plenty of women who have come to this conclusion on their own... I'm not the only one.

The difference between men and women?? When women feel old, they change their bodies. When men feel old, they find a younger girlfriend/wife.

At least the women are only doing things to their own bodies. The fact that men need to pull along another human being to make himself feel good is what I find most repulsive... and always have.

You sure like to make a lot of assumptions.

And talk as if you know other people and what they think and feel. You don't.

April 6, 2014

You sure like to make a lot of assumptions.

And talk as if you know other people and what they think and feel. You don't.

You are right. I don't.

I just watch their actions.

I get it that the world tells you guys that you'll have your pick of the litter once you get to a certain age.... and for a very small handful, that might be true.

I imagine that must feel like a betrayal of sorts for the rest... who took their earlier relationships casually. Who let good women slip through their fingers... and now are obliged to date what is 'left'... or try to dip into ever younger pools of women trying to capture their lost youth... sometimes with tragic outcomes considering the type of women who would go for that. Very sad indeed.

You and me... we aren't all that different. I missed my opportunity to find the best partner when I was in my 20's or thereabouts. The only difference is that no one can say I didn't try. I have some consolation in that.

What I can't afford to do now is dwell on that forever. There is plenty of life to live... even if I don't find someone suitable to spend it with now.

April 6, 2014

Every relationship has compromises, risk and benefits, and we all need to decide what is important to us personally. I would personally never want to date a single father, for example - I'm just not interested in raising someone else's child - however I'd never slag off anyone who did, or say they must have some sort of mental issue to want to do so.

Society sells us lots of crap about who we are supposed to be, and who we are supposed to be with. Some women (and some men) do listen to it without questioning, usually to their detriment.

However, there are also occasionally intelligent, educated and very independent women out there who had absolutely no intention of ending up with someone older, until they found someone they really rather liked despite their age and the compromises that may entail. In fact, you're talking to one now.

That's true, we do.

I've already lost one partner before their time.

I refuse to knowingly go through that again. That's another reason I don't have any intention of being with an older man. I find it hard to even consider men my own age unless they are in the same or better shape/health than me. Which is quite rare.

April 6, 2014

Fair enough.

Whereas I wasn't expecting this relationship - was entirely happy and content being single - so this relationship with a man who so far exceeds my expectations and is willing to support my dreams is a huge bonus. I'll enjoy him while I have him.

Plus I've already told him that when I finally lose him, I'm moving to Thailand and finding a toyboy. Mostly joking - mostly.

On a related subject, if you're hugely concerned about losing your partner before you go, you might be best looking for someone both healthy and considerably younger? Odds are that a guy your age will die before you do. But of course, that brings its own challenges in the prejudices you'll face there. A very dear friend of mine (35, so about my age) is in a relationship with a lovely guy 10 years younger - they're very happy, been together 3 years, one child already, another on the way, moved overseas last year and just bought a house - but his family found it very hard to accept, and people do seem to hate seeing them happy together.

April 6, 2014

I admit I'm not within that demographic, but I don't honestly see why 'never married' is any worse than 'divorced'. There are a huge range of possibilities for both of the above outcomes. The 'never married' person could be a commitmentphobe, or could have focused on his career exclusively in his 20s and 30s, or none of his LTRs reached that point, or he was just a ****ty partner, or... On the other hand, the 'divorced' person could have had the marriage dissolve through no fault of his own, or he could have actually contributed to the demise through being a terrible partner, or he could have married after a whirlwind romance and hadn't really thought things through, or he didn't take marriage seriously... The list goes on.

Rather than speculate on all of the above possibilities, perhaps better to get to know the person himself first?

Exactly.

If having been married makes them more trustworthy, then just imagine the trust you could have for someone who's been married 5 times over!!!

April 6, 2014

So what condition does the older person who's willing to date the younger suffer from?

Arrested development? lol. Immaturity? Seriously, of the men I know who pursue substantially younger women, some are narcissists (meet the criteria for NPD and need a younger woman to validate them and feed their ego), a couple are schizophrenic, one has a delusional disorder, a couple are serial cheaters. Yeah, not the creme of the crop in that bunch by any means.

April 6, 2014

Arrested development? lol. Immaturity? Seriously, of the men I know who pursue substantially younger women, some are narcissists (meet the criteria for NPD and need a younger woman to validate them and feed their ego), a couple are schizophrenic, one has a delusional disorder, a couple are serial cheaters. Yeah, not the creme of the crop in that bunch by any means.

Exactly.

Some women are under the false impression that being involved with an older man somehow improves chances of fidelity. I don't see that at all.

April 6, 2014

RR I am younger than my wife so that does that mean she is stealing my youth? I agree that some men unfairly put down women their own age and target younger women but if two people with an age difference find love why is that so wrong? We are both so right for each other so should we have not gotten together because there is an age difference? My first marriages was one year younger than me and we married young and you all know how that turned out.

There are some famous women like Beyonce and Charlize Theron who are with older men and they certainly don't need the money and they seem to have their heads on straight so can you consider that maybe sometimes it is love?

April 6, 2014

Fair enough.

Whereas I wasn't expecting this relationship - was entirely happy and content being single - so this relationship with a man who so far exceeds my expectations and is willing to support my dreams is a huge bonus. I'll enjoy him while I have him.

Plus I've already told him that when I finally lose him, I'm moving to Thailand and finding a toyboy. Mostly joking - mostly.

On a related subject, if you're hugely concerned about losing your partner before you go, you might be best looking for someone both healthy and considerably younger? Odds are that a guy your age will die before you do. But of course, that brings its own challenges in the prejudices you'll face there. A very dear friend of mine (35, so about my age) is in a relationship with a lovely guy 10 years younger - they're very happy, been together 3 years, one child already, another on the way, moved overseas last year and just bought a house - but his family found it very hard to accept, and people do seem to hate seeing them happy together.

Around here... A good portion of all the available men have serious issues of one sort or another.

Which reminds me... Anyone giving anecdotal evidence of older man/younger woman relationships who hail from the northeast... Yea... Because the single men suck big time around here. It's settle for an old guy or be the eff buddy for a decent looking recovering alcoholic, sociopath, or man whore.

Ladies... Don't even think about moving here. And if you are from here and having problems dating... Get the eff out as soon as possible. Before you are tempted to settle for an older guy. Seriously.

I chalk my decision to move here as one of the biggest mistakes of my life... Right up there with my choice of a husband.

April 6, 2014

RR I am younger than my wife so that does that mean she is stealing my youth? I agree that some men unfairly put down women their own age and target younger women but if two people with an age difference find love why is that so wrong? We are both so right for each other so should we have not gotten together because there is an age difference? My first marriages was one year younger than me and we married young and you all know how that turned out.

There are some famous women like Beyonce and Charlize Theron who are with older men and they certainly don't need the money and they seem to have their heads on straight so can you consider that maybe sometimes it is love?

Charlize Theron was abused by her father.

I don't know about Beyoncé. Her father seems absent.

You mention having an abusive mother.

April 6, 2014

Around here... A good portion of all the available men have serious issues of one sort or another.

Which reminds me... Anyone giving anecdotal evidence of older man/younger woman relationships who hail from the northeast... Yea... Because the single men suck big time around here. It's settle for an old guy or be the eff buddy for a decent looking recovering alcoholic, sociopath, or man whore.

Ladies... Don't even think about moving here. And if you are from here and having problems dating... Get the eff out as soon as possible. Before you are tempted to settle for an older guy. Seriously.

I chalk my decision to move here as one of the biggest mistakes of my life... Right up there with my choice of a husband.

There is a saying, RR...

"A poor crafstman blames his tools...."

Just think about that for a moment....

TFY

April 6, 2014

Charlize Theron was abused by her father.

I don't know about Beyoncé. Her father seems absent.

You mention having an abusive mother.

True but you never hear any scandals or bad stuff with either of them. I have a very abusive mother but I think my first marriage was more a product of that.

April 6, 2014

There is a saying, RR...

"A poor crafstman blames his tools...."

Just think about that for a moment....

TFY

Lol. I'd be happy to show you the tools.

I was down at my parents in FL last summer and I met better men in the few weeks I was there than I met all year up here.

As of last week... I have a standing offer to go teach at one of the universities down there. Doesn't pay as much... But it sure beats rotting away in this shyte hole.

April 6, 2014

I think what you need to understand is that older men aren't going around like creepy old predators looking for younger women...Its the other way around...Quality older men are actively sought after by attractive younger women...Its just a fact of life...Maybe thats the part that pisses you off...??

Maybe hate the game, not the player??

TFY

I have noticed this more than ever in the OW thread. It seems alot of younger women are going after older MM as well. Why? Can't they attract men their age?

April 6, 2014

True but you never hear any scandals or bad stuff with either of them. I have a very abusive mother but I think my first marriage was more a product of that.

I haven't found any evidence that Charlize is with an older man. Her last long term bf was 7 years younger. Hardly cougar territory. She is now raising an adopted child solo... Not much different than Michelle Pfeifer.... Before she met her husband who is three years older.

April 6, 2014

I haven't found any evidence that Charlize is with an older man. Her last long term bf was 7 years younger. Hardly cougar territory. She is now raising an adopted child solo... Not much different than Michelle Pfeifer.... Before she met her husband who is three years older.

She is dating Sean Penn who is older.

April 6, 2014

I have noticed this more than ever in the OW thread. It seems alot of younger women are going after older MM as well. Why? Can't they attract men their age?

Attractive married people are targets for lots of messed up individuals. It isn't an age thing.

I can count on more than two hands the number of married men who have approached me for an affair over the years. Of all ages.

April 6, 2014

She is dating Sean Penn who is older.

Oh. Right.

Him. Divorced twice and 15 years older.

Yes.. She definitely has issues. He isn't even good looking.

Then again... She's going to stay gorgeous for a long time. She has plenty of time to find a better catch. She has already started her family on her own.. So she isn't waiting around for that at least.

One thing to say about Sean... He likes women in their 30's. Dumped his second wife when she hit her mid 40's. Something Charlize ought to pay attention to, if she cares about that sort of thing.

Something else I have observed about men who go for younger women. That trend.

Edited April 6, 2014 by RedRobin

April 6, 2014

RedRobin, is it that every man has issues or is it that you're looking for ways to disqualify every man since you're afraid to recommit from past trauma?

The love of your life "left" you in the most permanent manner possible. You need to properly process that people can leave, whether intentionally or unintentionally, and learn to live again even with this risk. Don't allow fear of abandonment to overwhelm your life.

April 6, 2014

RedRobin, is it that every man has issues or is it that you're looking for ways to disqualify every man since you're afraid to recommit from past trauma?

The love of your life "left" you in the most permanent manner possible. You need to properly process that people can leave, whether intentionally or unintentionally, and learn to live again even with this risk. Don't allow fear of abandonment to overwhelm your life.

The main thing I am processing is the fact that my chances of finding a peer I can share my life with are exceptionally small...

... Due to the timing of his death... Where I currently live... And the fact that I happen to be female (apparently) ... Once we get to a certain age... We are supposed to settle for older men, substance abusers, man whores, bankrupt, mentally disabled, overweight, unhealthy, or die alone.

Ok. Given that choice... Dying alone seems preferable.

April 6, 2014

I have noticed this more than ever in the OW thread. It seems alot of younger women are going after older MM as well. Why? Can't they attract men their age?

Most likely it's one of three things: can't attract quality men of their own age, so they go for a much older MM who seems to have a lot to offer (looks, money, career success, charisma) without realizing that underneath the pretty package is a manipulative pig. Or the woman has daddy issues and wants to be taken care of by an older man or relive the daughter/daddy relationship in order to process her unmet needs from her own father. Or the woman has low self esteem and is easily charmed by a smooth talking older MM that throws her some compliments and knows how to manipulate her.

April 6, 2014

The main thing I am processing is the fact that my chances of finding a peer I can share my life with are exceptionally small...

... Due to the timing of his death... Where I currently live... And the fact that I happen to be female (apparently) ... Once we get to a certain age... We are supposed to settle for older men, substance abusers, man whores, bankrupt, mentally disabled, overweight, unhealthy, or die alone.

Says who?

Are you saying that men your age who are healthy partners don't exist in your area?

Each man is an individual. It sounds like you are hAving trouble finding, or attracting, the healthy ones.

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Question for people 35+ who have never been married

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